Are they all the same?

MensDivorceCircle · 2026-03-24T07:31:33+00:00

Ask yourself a really deep question, why are you still paying 90% of expenses, why are you making concessions. From my experience, I did the same thing and it was from three places 1) the need to continue to be the provider and take care of her because that was my identity 2) I felt guilt for making the decision and being the “leaver” 3) she was an alcoholic and I was a codependent, so I “had” to take care of her.

What’s your reasons?

Plastic_Canary_6637 · 2026-03-24T06:19:15+00:00

I’m in a pretty solid situation with my ex, we both coparent 50/50 and it’s pretty amicable but it’s the result of setting boundaries. Had a prenup so she was very limited on what she could fight over but she tried her best. I stop my ground firmly and fairly and she eventually realized fighting isn’t worth its. She originally proposed some crazy time split for the kids bc I work and she’s a SAHM. I shot that down real quick and insisted on 50/50. After consulting with her attorney she realized that she’s unlikely to win more than 50/50 so going to court isn’t worth it. Once we started the 50/50 I handled my end, no calling her for advice, no complaining about how hard it was, just being a good dad and taking care of business. I was never rude or condescending toward her and would help out with the little things when I could. So now we’re in a situation that works, super amicable bc nothing else we can do. We for another 14 years till they’re off to college so best to keep things as smooth as possible

If you want to get there keep firm boundaries. You don’t have to be an a$$ about it but keep your boundaries and don’t cross them. If it gets heated step away and have your attorney handle it. Don’t get mad or emotional just stay logical. They will try to take every inch they can, it’s ok to give a little but never cross a boundary

ModernRidesWraps · 2026-03-24T01:17:44+00:00

Lawyer Now!

CommonBubba · 2026-03-23T19:50:29+00:00

Get the to a lawyer now! If you know it’s over, there’s nothing wrong with you filing rather than waiting for her to file. I don’t know what state/country you’re in, however, don’t move out of the house. During my divorce, we got together with the lawyers and hammered out a separation agreement stating who was responsible for what from that point on. When it came time for the actual divorce, (we have to wait a year after physical separation in my state). We just agreed to how things had been and filed and that was that.

DD42_foundation · 2026-03-23T18:57:40+00:00

That is so hard. Look at the end of the day she is doing this for herself, not for the kids. My ex is the same way- my opinion it already makes you the better parent. Believe it and act accordingly.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-03-23T14:36:52+00:00

Oh man, I feel for you. My situation evolved very similarly.

“We maintain current care plan” (essentially 50/50) became “he should be with me the majority of the time”, which became “we’ll discuss it all in mediation and continue therapy” which became “i don’t want to do therapy anymore”…

Followed by months of dodging plans on mediation and “the amicable route”.

And then, out of nowhere… I got seeerrrrrvvveeedddd.

Just do yourself a massive favor, get a lawyer and file. It’s going to land there anyway. Even if you don’t file, absolutely get a lawyer, pay the retainer, and tell them you’ll need them on standby for when things begin. You can hold on to the amicable dream but trust what you’re seeing and know that it progresses from here. Good luck!

I’ll also add that getting a lawyer is cool because you don’t have to deal with shit. I’m literally assigning all emotions, stress, and fear to my lawyer without telling him. That (and actually handling the case) is why he’s getting paid.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-03-23T13:23:17+00:00

> We still see our marriage counsellor once a month to help with co parenting communication.

What exactly is a guy in a sweater vest going to tell either of you that is magically going to fix communication between the two of you? Couples counseling doesn't work. Lots of detail why here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/

You're learning first hand that you don't listen to what women say. You watch what they do. Because the two are not congruent. Women do not have a sense of honor like men do. The concept of a man's "my word is my bond" is foreign to women. You're expecting her to behave like a man when she isn't wired that way. That's why you found yourself in this situation. She was never a unicorn. You were just in denial.

> i am 'used to less time with the kids'

It's called gaslighting. You deserve as much time with your children as she does. Act like it.

UrAristotle · 2026-03-23T11:53:10+00:00

The reality of needing to work more got replaced by the possibility of receiving child support.

kdthex01 · 2026-03-23T10:40:34+00:00

Not all, but most. Fueled by money and attention.

Will_McLean · 2026-03-23T10:39:38+00:00

Many such cases

AntiquePomegranate92 · 2026-03-23T09:17:30+00:00

All females are the same. Some seem different, and their nature comes out, as you can tell. The lawyers will eventually be needed.

Owww_My_Ovaries · 2026-03-23T09:13:26+00:00

Sounds like she talked to a lawyer or had what I call "a little birdie chirping in her ear" (female friend who is living vicariously through her)

Someone got in her head that she DESERVES more. More time with the kids and namely.... more money from you.

She birthed those kids. She raised them while you got your career. She sacrificed everything and held this marriage together!!!

You know that is what she was told.

Dude. If you can talk to her, maybe try one more time. When the wife and I split, thats what I did before it became bad. I talked to her on the phone and we talked about the good times and there was a time when we loved each other. Luckily for me, mine seems to be that 1 in 100 (she also signed a lot of legal paperwork to hold herself to that).

Either way. Time to get a lawyer in the works because the signs are there that this will be expensive and drawn out.

st33l-rain · 2026-03-23T08:39:35+00:00

Your kids are in hs…she just wants you to subsidize her life…lawyer up its about to get wild…keep an eye out for a dv charge setup.

bobbydallas · 2026-03-23T05:34:28+00:00

I truly had the same mentality going into it especially after watching multiple friends make it nasty and dysfunctional. I had such confidence that we would not do that.

I was very wrong.

The person you remember is gone. This is a completely different person you can't trust during this process.

Go consult multiple attorneys in your area. You don't have to retain but you certainly have to be ready. Even if mediation is your goal be prepared to have representation because she probably already does.

Learn greyrock. The words you write and any anger you display will be weaponized against you.

Logic will win in the end. But understand you are not dealing with logic on the other side of the table.

Accept her as a colleague or coworker that you truly don't like or enjoy being around but have to work with. If you can do it at work you can do it here too. Reality is you both own equity in a company you want to see continue to succeed (ie. your kids).

Love your kids more than hating her or her actions. Tell yourself this a lot.

Gattsama · 2026-03-23T05:28:07+00:00

They are not all the same but we are all human. The system is fundamentally broken, and it encourages certain behavior and choices. Bottom line, the more custody and time with the kids she gets, the more child support she gets. And in case you didn't know, the more money the local municipality gets from the federal government.

For every dollar of child support you pay, the federal government gives $0.60 to the local municipality. So the state is also incentivised to award large child support.

So think of it as human nature. More time with the kids, more money, less need to work outside of the home, the state is telling me too, my attorney is telling me to, all my friends are talking me to, and all of social media / the internet is telling me to do it too.

You need to get an attorney and put them on retainer, don't need to use unless she pulls the trigger first. But you want them on standby in case she does. And to advise you going forward even if only behind the scenes. The reason divorces really stay amicable is because of the broken system and money...

Good luck and stay safe out there.

HistoricalRich280 · 2026-03-23T04:52:58+00:00

Sorry, OP. I will say though, from the children’s perspectives… if you have two in high school, I would think their opinions may be given some weight here as well.

Mine much younger but I’ve heard that 50/50 can be a real pain in the a for older teens who may have difficult coursework, jobs etc. and realistically aren’t spending as much time in the home as out of it usually.

If those are your only two kids and both in high school, and you guys are trying to be amicable, is some kind of nesting arrangement possible for their remaining years.

If you are just starting process now and now agreeing on things, seriously divorce will be over around the time the oldest is graduating hs, so child support shouldn’t be a main focus I wouldn’t think.

Really consider what is best of the kids here. If four years are all remaining, and kids are most used to mom running their lives and most used to family home, why not let them have that stability?

Title	Are they all the same?
Author	fiddsy
Upvotes	20
Comments	24
Date	March 23, 2026 4:21 AM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1s173iz/are_they_all_the_same/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/are-they-all-the-same.1576192 https://theredarchive.com/post/1576192

Comments