Can't Take the Plunge

ThrowAwayAccount__0 · 2022-09-05T15:59:55+00:00

I know how that feels to have 3 months of freedom and realize how much better things could be

Some things I've learned over the years doing that

1) I have much more time to do anything and everything.

2) I've traveled more in the past 2 years than I have the past 10

3) when traveling, there's always the excitement of something new, and having the freedom and cash to just do it is great.

However

4) there's nobody to share it with. Social media is a trap and just gives you the idea that it's real companionship, it's not.

I will contact parents every now and then, but it's typically just me and my thoughts.

5) I have to make sure I pay attention to my thoughts. "oh this would be cool if she was here..."

Quickly has to turn into

"That's right, I would never have the energy or happiness to leave the house when she was here..."

6) And if I want to spend an entire day sitting around doing jack all, looking up new hobbies or reading a book? I can do that. No responsibilities other than work.

So you have to really master your thoughts and learn to push the BS out.

All in all, I think you'll enjoy the change in pace. New apartment, new city, new experiences. No baggage.

I procrastinated and wasted 6 months before getting the paperwork filled. Don't wait. It's just torment with no benefits

Striking-Trainer8148 · 2022-09-05T15:09:01+00:00

You CAN take the plunge, you just don’t want to yet.

Men are natural builders. You look at the last 3 decades and think you built something. You don’t want to tear that down.

But you do acknowledge that something needs to change. So either make it change, or choose to live this way.

Not making a decision is the same as making a decision.

To choose not to decide is to decide.

captainchippsixx · 2022-09-05T14:51:10+00:00

Your summer trip bought you some time. But eventually living this way is going to a accelerate your death. I finally said fuck it. All your years aren’t going to be like the summer trip, but you have a chance to be happy and healthy! I don’t think you can do that with the current arrangement.

ramboton · 2022-09-05T15:49:46+00:00

The financial issue is a big one, I am also retired and worry about the same thing, half my pension plus alimony.? Sounds like to me she is getting more than you are....You work 30+ years to have a stable retirement and then you have to pay to be happy.....it sure sucks.

No-Zookeepergame4373 · 2022-09-05T16:26:57+00:00

Go for it if you can. I am a little younger (48) , married 24 years and feel the same. I am nkt retired and will be paying a hefty alimony for a long time which is making me hesitate but I want out, I want to explore a new life as well. We married young and have grown apart. Both our fault as well. It happens. She isn’t a terrible person, just not in love with her anymore.

Good luck to you. I hope no get the same courage to get out soon

Plebius-Plutarch · 2022-09-05T16:22:26+00:00

Thank you for posting this.

I am in a near identical situation as you described. Just can’t have the discussion , it’s more the mechanics and the difficulty broaching the subject.

sicrm · 2022-09-05T16:22:47+00:00

more likely than not, you’ve lived at least half of your life already.

is staying on this marriage really how you want to spend your other half?

TheOleCurmudgeon · 2022-09-06T05:21:01+00:00

Do it now while you are still relatively healthy and can go back to work if necessary. Get it done and over with so you can face your diminishing years without this boat anchor. The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to go for you. Congrats on your kids turning out fine.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2022-09-06T11:25:19+00:00

I have looked at reality in the face. I have seen the devil and I am unbowed. I will not flinch or back off. I will absolutely move on.

dudefromyork · 2022-09-06T13:01:43+00:00

How do you want to live the rest of your life? You know what the “do nothing” route looks like. “Do something” is not as painful as you’re building it up to be.

I’m not going to tell you it’s easy. You will have 6 months of stressful gut wrenching terror. But whatever is on the other side is likely better than where you are now.

You just need to start. Go speak to a few lawyers and find out what the path would be and how much it’s likely to cost you. Look at a few places that you might be able to afford. Think about who will get “custody” of friends (spoiler:probably her). Watch crazy,stupid love but ignore the last 20 minutes.

Then decide what you want to do.

Character_Town_3983 · 2022-09-07T02:31:15+00:00

Thanks to all who responded. There's nothing holding me back now and it's time for me to give myself a deadline and stick to it.

chicken_po_boy · 2022-09-09T18:55:39+00:00

You’re not afraid of being divorced. You’re only afraid of getting divorced.

Life is better on this side. You’re 54. How do you want to spend remaining time on the planet?

If she’s unhappy as well, you might be able to part ways amicably.

Deezcleannutz · 2022-09-21T18:15:37+00:00

Today is better than tomorrow. Get ready though. Everything is going to change. But you’ll prolly be better off for it.

onwarddespite · 2022-09-05T15:13:29+00:00

Either choice will have its struggles and joys. The grass seems greener but sometimes the grass on the other side needs more work to maintain green. Unhappiness for both of you is horrible in the ultimate. I would suggest sleeping in separate rooms. If you have a basement, move in there. Maybe she is still your best friend that you can’t live with, or without. There’s always a way to move the dial without breaking it. I wish you the best of luck.

gunperv51 · 2022-09-05T16:27:50+00:00

"Band-Aid" it.

(As crazy as it sounds, ask your lawyer for a list of lawyers they respect and who they are willing to work with to make the divorce amicable and equitable for both of you. You don't want to be side swiped by a shark or worse--someone who will purposely draw this out and drain you of every penny in your pocket and then some.)

Make one more joint session with either a marital counselor or a religious leader you're both comfortable with. Tell her you're filing for divorce and why. Make sure they both understand that this meeting is only going to be for one session and you're really done. Let her know EVERYTHING that has bothered you, from soup to nuts, and then let her have her crack at you. (For all you know, she may be feeling the same way about divorcing you as well.)

Then pull off that damn bandage and deal with the sting like the big boy you are...

(Just remember since you had kids, you both are still going to be in each other's lives, so be amicable at all times. If she goes low, don't stoop to that level. Hold your head up and be a gentleman in any dealings with her publicly (what you think of her privately is another thing. Gibbs' Rule #4: Best way to keep a secret--Keep it to yourself. Second best, tell one other person—if you must. There is no third best.))

Jasey_Cones · 2022-09-05T18:30:17+00:00

Talk. Communicate with her. So many women spend at least a year absolutely hating and resenting their husbands, get over their grief in private, and then once they are truly over you... Tell you they want a divorce.

Don't be a woman. Be a man. Open up and talk to her. Before it gets to the point of no return.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-09-05T21:43:25+00:00

Did she get fat?

techfreedom93 · 2022-09-05T14:12:03+00:00

31 years is a long time together. Especially in old age with diseases increasing, it's better to have a helper. Please think thrice about divorce after such a long time together and no serious issues like affairs, etc.

graphic_fartist · 2022-09-06T03:18:57+00:00

Open up your relationship, go polyamorous.

dogsrule2019 · 2022-09-05T17:19:56+00:00

Sounds like.your first step is to just talk to her. She likely feels the same but is afraid to bring it up. With proper legal guidance maybe yall do 6 months apart and see how you each feel. Maybe prior to that you establish what the post divorce financial picture looks like for both of you so that's already clear during the separation. Assure her you don't hate her blame her. Ask if she's happy and excited.to see you when you get home from being away. Just start the conversation. She knows you're not happy and hopefully yall could work to figure out what that looks like for each of you. Doesn't necessarily have to be what you have now or straight-up divorce. Good luck, sir.

david10277 · 2022-09-06T01:45:19+00:00

Nothing is worth your happiness ...its not the cost of the divorce its what it's worth.

That stress will shorten your life span.

Character_Town_3983 · 2022-09-06T02:19:58+00:00

Hi OP, I’m wondering about the last line of your post
“Maybe I’ve listened to her crap for so long that I’m not seeing a way out of it” Is she saying something that makes you think staying is the right choice? Also, was it alright with her that you traveled without her for two months?

Title	Can't Take the Plunge
Author	Character_Town_3983
Upvotes	26
Comments	56
Date	September 5, 2022 1:57 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/x6gukv/cant_take_the_plunge/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/cant-take-the-plunge.1130007 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130007

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