Collaborative divorce?

mehmench · 2022-11-28T23:04:40+00:00

If there is contention then you'll just be wasting money. Mediation is probably mandatory where you live so you'll probably at least have to do a session with a court appointed mediator. They suck though and in my experience don't really do much (one meeting).

Just because you have the money to waste, doesn't mean you should.

Just because you think the other parent is a terrible person, doesn't mean it's against the law to be a bad parent or person. Going for full custody with no legal basis for such is only going to make you look like an ass and hurt your children.

Set aside your rightfully bruised ego (from one betrayed spouse to another) and do what's best for your children.

Accept mediation if it is forced on you. Work with your attorney to understand the law where you live and what you're entitled to. Use this forum to help with that if you want (though we are not usually attorneys). If you're in a no fault state - the affair isn't going to do anything but damage to YOU and your children. Try to minimize that damage by getting some therapy, getting them some therapy and working through your trauma instead of actively causing more trauma.

Accept that you are in fact in trauma right now. You're fight or flight response is absolutely ruling you right now and for you - that's fight. Name it to tame it and instead of acting on emotion and creating a situation that is going to be long and drawn out and literally take years off your life AND hurt your kids more than anything - find the path that get the divorce done quickly and as amicably as possible. Even if SHE isn't amicable (mine isn't) that doesn't mean that you don't have the opportunity to be the better person and let it go.

Recognize that her cheating isn't likely much of a reflection on you - it's a reflection on her. In fact, you've probably been struggling for a long time in this relationship and now this happens? Well, what you've got there friend is a 'get out of jail free' card on the responsibility for her choices. You might be responsible for some of how she felt - but you are not responsible for her choices. Maybe you weren't the best husband or father (we all fall short sometimes) but her choices are hers. She could have ended it prior to cheating at minimum. She could have done the right thing but her defects allowed her to take the entitled way out.

Get that court date, let the judge decide, minimize the damage.

azwildcat74 · 2022-11-28T22:53:12+00:00

Tried starting things this way. Midstream my now ex wife realized there was going to be no golden egg laying goose for her and she tried to make an every other weekend dad out of me claiming I was an abusive narcissist to her and the kids, never one time said anything of the sort to or about me in 11.5 years together until that point.

Divorce is a contentious thing, someone wins and someone loses on shit and it makes hard feelings. You don’t have to be a dick but I’d lawyer up and have someone strictly in YOUR corner. Can’t do something in the best interest of everyone all at once.

I lawyered up immediately upon her claims and am paying half the child support I had agreed to on my own when we were amicable and still got 50% custody. You don’t owe her anything.

IvoShandor · 2022-11-28T20:30:07+00:00

My ex and I did this, but we're amicable and were very civil about it. We worked out the details before hand, 50/50, and just told our lawyers this is what we wanted. Reluctantly, the lawyers agreed but not before they tried to be sneaky ... but, eventually we convinced our lawyers they need to listen to their clients and do what we say. They did, it worked out. Not sure how you'd do a collaborative divorce if things are contentious.

vinnizrej · 2022-11-28T23:57:25+00:00

If you’re unwilling to compromise on your positions then it’s a waste of time. But realize that you will not get everything you want if you go to trial or make the judge decide any issue. Collaborative divorce can be good for high earners. A forensic accountant will be involved to ensure your financials are split correctly.

You can’t have the mindset of getting one over on the ex if you want collaborative divorce to work. Realize that you’re getting divorced one way or another. Collaborative divorce will get the best result for you both, as well as your kids. Staying in the court system is unpredictable and will not give you a result you can tolerate.

pk2at · 2022-11-29T00:06:00+00:00

I would try to negotiate with STBX, tell her hostile relationship is not good for kids. Try to get as much of marital property as you can, don't start with negotiation saying you want 50/50

upvotersfortruth · 2022-11-29T02:40:30+00:00

Collaborative law only works for the most amicable of divorces, where both parties are businesslike and only some minor details need to be worked out. Otherwise, you'll both hire lawyers for the collaborative process who can't represent you in the litigation and who will withdraw when the "collaboration" inevitably breaks down and you'll have to restart the process with the only gain being probably some information on the other side's negotiating position.

Collaborative law is for mature, well-adjusted adults who mutually want a divorce on fair terms for the other side. I have seen maybe one or two divorces on this sub where collaborative divorce seemed viable. And even then, there's always a risk of it blowing up.

Think two high powered execs who don't have much emotional investment in the marriage and could show up at a dinner party together with no tension and laugh about the past. If that's not you, seriously consider opting for a standard divorce process.

ChiGuyinBigD · 2022-11-28T20:58:48+00:00

You should work it out collaboratively. Only the lawyers benefit when it’s contentious. We actually went to trial because my ex was so disagreeable and ridiculous in her requests for the division of assets, etc. Would have preferred to work it out rather than have a judge make the decisions about who gets what. In the end, you want to move on. Fighting won’t help you move on. But if you want to help your lawyer get more rich, then fight her. Just my two cents. Best wishes.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-11-28T22:14:39+00:00

You can collaborate as long as you get what's fair plus custody if that's best for the kids. I am all for being collaborative but don't forget the main goal is to get what's important to you. Even if you collaborate she still isn't going to be your wife anymore

47omek · 2022-11-29T14:41:11+00:00

As others have said collaborative only works if it's not contentious. In your case, aim for trial as quickly as you can get there. Don't waste time with a ton of BS back-and-forth churning attorney hours. It will take a looming court date and possibly a walk up the courthouse steps with the threat of a stranger in robes deciding her fate to make your STBX a rational person for long enough to get a reasonable agreement signed. "We'll just see what the judge says" is your response to her inequity.

hubbyouttahere · 2022-11-29T15:08:14+00:00

Don't go down collaborative. Do mediate.

Technically collaborative means the lawyer you are working with would be "barred" from litigation if you went down that path.

If you do without prejudice negotiations, you can take a more collaborative approach in negotiations, but without forcing a formal "collaborative" procedure.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-11-29T17:26:45+00:00

Collaborative divorce is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. It only ensures that you'll be paying for divorce twice.

dogsrule2019 · 2022-11-29T20:07:52+00:00

I’ve often wondered if the majority of amicable divorces stem from the woman cheating, and the hostile divorces stemming from where the man cheated.

Title	Collaborative divorce?
Author	soontobesolo
Upvotes	4
Comments	24
Date	November 28, 2022 8:26 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/z77fg9/collaborative_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/collaborative-divorce.1141487 https://theredarchive.com/post/1141487

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