Feeling guilty: my depression + ADHD destroyed my marriage

lostcanuck007 · 2022-11-08T13:09:49+00:00

having defects in your physiology that develop over time or were there when you were born isn't your fault for the most part.

picking a partner you didn't know would abandon you at a moment's notice may very marginally be your fault (maybe you didn't vet her enough or stuck with her when she needed help/wasnt contributing)

but sticking with someone whose willing to run out on you asap....and then pining for them is your fault.

essentially. you couldn't have stopped this if you tried. you are 95% A ok and in the right. Forget what everyone else thinks. I speak from experience, because i tried getting out when i noticed SHTF.....andthen got introduced to the worst divorce imaginable, i am talking news worthy bullshit.

the guilt is engineered into you...this is your body trying to keep alive the level of guilt you had subconsciously but there is no external power feeding into it....so its manifests in your conscious. its going to go away in a bit.

ride the guilt. it'll be over...i took nearly 2 years, some do it a lot faster, some do it slower. BUT understand one thing clearly, she abandoned you in a time of need. She is a worthless human being. Do whatever you possibly can to be rid of her in your life. And she will comeback, as soon as you are worth something and get a handle on everything, she will be back. and that's when you tell her to sod off.

make sure you are independent of needing anyone else. because one people see that you are vulnerable but good at heart, they will take advantage, and know you will fall for the first kindness and pair of legs that open for you. go for it, don't commit but date, have fun, have a ton of sex, but never be dependent on anyone.

goodluck, and you will be ok, promise :)

JD-Anderson · 2022-11-02T18:06:14+00:00

The reason I was given for my ex divorcing me was my crippling depression and anxiety for the last year or so of my marriage. After it was over, and she was gone, the depression slowly started to subside. I realized it was because I was in such a toxic relationship. I don’t feel guilt because of that “in sickness and health” clause we had to say.

Physical_Listen5649 · 2022-11-02T06:04:47+00:00

Yeah I felt a similar feeling a year or so after getting divorced and getting back on Vyvanse. But it is what it is. If she and you were meant to be you wouldn’t be on here. Just be the best version of yourself.

I’m much better mentally physically and emotionally since going back on my ADHD meds. And there is nothing wrong with being the best version of yourself. Stop ruminating on the past and focus on how your future will look.

us027952 · 2022-11-02T03:54:36+00:00

To be honest. I read the whole thing and I’m not impressed. I have been in this myself. I feel for you. I’m just a man cave dweller and if you want friends lmk

Greadle · 2022-11-02T03:04:39+00:00

ADHD, bi-polar, wife cheated, marriage ended 8 years ago. About 7 years ago i started Psychedelic therapy. It saved my life. I don’t take any anti depressants or anxiety meds and no weed or alcohol. I just don’t want other stuff. Its been amazing.

So, Shrooms are legal in DC and a few other states. LSD is my favorite. Inexpensive, very high quality, consistent and easy to get. And there are ketamine clinics opening up too! Ketamine treatments are expensive but the industry is pushing insurance to cover it for people with chronic depression.

Flaky_Consequence_75 · 2022-11-02T02:27:09+00:00

MrCleanyaHands,

Just want to share for solidarity. I’m mid-divorce, 11-yr marriage, two kids. Newly treated for ADHD and depression, and it definitely feels like a catch 22 for me. Our attachment styles, my emotional disregulation and years of high-functioning alcoholism ran our marriage into the ground. Do I think she could have been stronger or more supportive? Possibly. My poor memory doesn’t allow me to comprehend the full effects of my behavior on a kind, creative, introverted woman.

Rumination and resentment are the big enemies for me. Obsessive thoughts and illusions are what lead me astray of my decision to navigate this time with humility, compassion, and understanding (even when I don’t understand.) Six months of sobriety and psych treatment make this easier, but in negative spaces it seems unfair. I know that is also an illusion. I’m in treatment for me first; kids a close second.

I can only share with you that gratitude and my desire to no longer take, blame, or run keeps me in a hopeful place that once I find myself on more solid ground, I can start being the example I want to be, and showing those who care about me that I’m capable of their trust. You can do it too.

somethingsimple78 · 2022-11-02T02:19:13+00:00

After my divorce I have had loving relationships with 2 women who absolutely got me and my ADHD and anxious attachment quirks. You'll get through it. Just concentrate on liking yourself first.

AllBlackAllWhite · 2022-11-02T01:30:13+00:00

Almost the same here, married 4 years and together 7. My wife has redefined our entire relationship by my depression so I would say yes, I know exactly how you feel. Since I got the divorce papers a few months ago I have been through horrible depression, the worst of my life, and so much regret it's insane. But I've come to understand that logically it wasn't all me, especially at the end. You are absolutely right that the right person would have stuck by you. That's what we need to keep in front of mind. That is what eases the guilt.

It takes two to make a relationship work but only one to end it. We all get to choose where we want to focus our efforts and our exes have chosen to spend theirs on destroying what we shared. I've tried to save it. I've begged and pleaded. I've tried logic, I've tried explanations, I've tried to appeal to the amazing love we once shared. None of that has done anything but keep my pain train rolling. I've tried and that is the best I can do. Ultimately it's not completely on me and never could be. That's not how relationships work. If the responsibility of getting is here is not completely on me the guilt isn't either. The end of this especially isn't on me. I am not working for it, she is. You have to learn to shoulder what is actually your responsibility and that is much easier than trying to bear it all.

I have bad days, very bad days where all I know is darkness and pain, but I would say overall I'm coming to terms with it. By far the most important key to that is not losing myself to rumination. I won't allow myself to do that anymore. It is a big part of what destroyed me and subsequently my marriage. When I start I immediately go do something. Play a game, watch a show, take a shower, go for a run, whatever it takes to stop the negative thought spiral. I've gotten very good at that, I barely ruminate anymore and I can usually pull myself out of it quickly when I start. It's very much a learned skill that you have to be constantly vigilant about practicing. It gets easier with time and eventually becomes habit.

Another thing I am learning, and this is very fresh, is that hanging around these subs is keeping the pain and negativity in front of mind. I have to move past this and to do that I have to actually start doing it. It's nice to get empathy and understanding, to share and listen, but what I want more than any of that is for these extreme feelings to actually stop. To do that I have to start letting the past stay in the past and learn to live in the present. To eliminate the constant reminders of the gaping hole in my heart. I spent a lot of time and energy focusing on her and this is where it got me. I don't want to be here in this state of pain and suffering. To get past it I have to focus on the person that will get me past it. That person is me.

Agitated-Fee-6497 · 2022-11-02T01:14:29+00:00

My exe has adhd but she did not want to get medication for it. We built in several tool over our marriage but it took a lot of effort on my part....if I wanted her to cook dinner I had to send a calendar invite etc etc. I took care of her for years and she appreciated it so much...but then it was like a switch and she started acting like inwas treating her like kid....she ended up leaving for someone else very soon after that. I have guilt that I could of done even more...but I know I did more than husband would of.

gorlewski · 2022-11-02T01:03:16+00:00

I have ADHD and depression. I treated the depression for years with medication. Was diagnosed with the ADHD about 5 years ago. She did not believe in the diagnosis. I treated it with medication as well.

What I should have done is also treated it with therapy. I feel some days that this divorce was all my fault. I do know it takes two to tango.

I’m now taking care of myself. We are doing what is best for ourselves and our daughter. I do wish that we would have talked years before we got to this point.

The guilt will be there for me and that is what I will have to work out with my therapist. I have also taken to writing my STBXW letters and then promptly deleting them. It makes me feel better just to get the feelings out of my head.

I wish you luck sir.

Alaric_theGreat · 2022-11-02T00:38:53+00:00

I'm in a similar boat I think. Too depressed to want to share right now.

gaidaysi · 2022-11-01T23:55:28+00:00

🙋‍♂️ Had been mentioning for years that I likely am depressed but high functioning, but she thought it’s all attention seeking behavior. Last year started to realize I likely have Aspergers, she dismissed that again. Now separated, I’m figuring out I have pretty bad ADHD which is why I couldn’t finish anything I started, or kept on changing jobs every couple years. She still feels I’m trying to make excuses, and I just need to try harder.

I do wish I would’ve sought professional evaluation earlier, possibly could’ve still been living with my kids full time. Life is way more difficult to manage now

Gattsama · 2022-11-01T22:12:24+00:00

Sorry you are going through this man. Guilt is normal and nature, but also a waste of time. Because we don't have a time machine, we can't change anything that happened. We can only learn from it and grow. Also you can not control anyone or anything except yourself. So if she choose to terminate the marriage that is her choice. Yes you influence but you do not cause or control.

You have issues and demons you need to work on. Focus on them, I know its hard but don't focus on things you can't control. You can not stop your wife from choosing to terminate any more than you could have stop the war in Ukraine. These things are NOT under your control. People will laugh when I give the war analogy, but step way back and think about it. You have more interaction and influence, but no control over your wife either. You can NOT make her happy, sad, stay, loyal, etc. She chooses how she responds to situations that occur.

A lot of people have conditional love these days. Love is NOT a feeling, it's a series of choices and actions. What most people do however is conditional; I will only choose love / act loving when you do X. If you do Y I will not act or choose love. And the number one reason people choose to not act loving is because they are not happy.

No insult to you, but think of a parent and child. Do you love your child only when they listen, are playful and cute. What if they cry, whine, get hurt, have a major medical illness, won't sleep, etc. Do you choose to not act loving? Change it to work. There's a difference between respect and respectful. There are always people at work you don't like: boss, coworkers, lower on the food chain. Do you yell at your boss, make demands of your coworkers, abuse those under you? No, you act respectful; EVEN IF you don't respect or like these people. Because you choose too. Respect and love are action based; actions are under our control. Our emotions will vary. I love my Mom, but she can be a pain in the ass! But I choose to act loving regardless. Same with my marriage, I choose to act loving regardless of how she acted.

I'm not saying that unconditional love exists (see Chris Rock: only women, children and dogs) but that the choice to act loving does! Aside - I'm in the middle of a divorce, the STBX was not capable of choosing to act loving unless I did X,Y,Z first; but even if I did that she just moved the goal post and asked for more. She told me to leave and took her ring off, 3wks later I said we need to terminate, she talked me into trying a reconciliation. 3mo later I had just finished working 13 of 14 nights in a row when my Cousin called to say my last paternal Uncle had died (end of the line). I called to meet her for breakfast. So here I am, no sleep, emotionally upset, reaching out. She took that moment to address my past behavior in the relationship, took her rink off again, gave me an ultimatum to put mind back on, said she was no longer my wife and was now my girlfriend because I wasn't acting like a husband. So this is the best she could be?!? We are separated, I say I want to terminate, we are trying to reconcile and this is the best she can bring to the table. So I choose to terminate.

Get the help you need, and remember love is a choice that manifests with actions. Feelings are going to come in go. Talk to your therapist about the guilt, but try to accept that her choices are NOT under your control; she reacted to your choices / life, but it's on her.

Be safe out there

FunkyTownMascot · 2022-11-01T21:45:31+00:00

I wish I could understand that. My ex was a cheating whore so I have a much different dynamic.

I hope you're getting the help and doing the work you need to for your own benefit, brother.

austino7 · 2022-11-01T20:11:06+00:00

Mine was like this too. She knew I had ADHD but constantly criticized me because of my shortcomings. Like forgetting things at the store, it’s like I’m already annoyed with myself I did that I don’t need someone making me feel worse about it. I suppose there might be women out there who are more understanding but in all my years of dating and relationships the women always complain about the same things. At the end of the day it’s just who I am and it’s been made clear to me I’m not worth it for anyone to stick around. But there are people out there with ADHD who do find loving partners… just don’t want to leave it on a negative note. I’m just still recovering from my abusive ex.

sicrm · 2022-11-01T20:02:31+00:00

it’s very situational.

I’ve read stories where something small leads to a divorce and others where the husband cheated left right and center and the wife wants to stay and work on things.

Fun-Possible7676 · 2022-11-01T19:37:44+00:00

I overcame the guilt by using the opportunity to improve myself, through forming healthy habits, therapy, and new medications. I failed my first marriage but I will work hard to not fail my next marriage.

Anthff · 2022-11-01T19:36:10+00:00

Jfc I feel you. When my mental health began to deteriorate, she was out the door. I was just beginning a new career after supporting her on her journey for ~8 years; it was finally my turn. It really took a toll on me and she didn’t stick around for shit. She’s selfish. She sucks as a friend, a person, and a partner.

Title	Feeling guilty: my depression + ADHD destroyed my marriage
Author	MrCleanyaHands
Upvotes	19
Comments	31
Date	November 1, 2022 7:22 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/yjiewn/feeling_guilty_my_depression_adhd_destroyed_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/feeling-guilty-my-depression-adhd-destroyed-my.1138516 https://theredarchive.com/post/1138516

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