Forgiveness

nsbbeachguy · 2024-05-08T05:07:23+00:00

Forgiving her isn’t for her, it’s for you. And keep your forgiveness to yourself- not a conversation for her. Also, when did the mental illness start? Any idea what brought it on?

Ni_koli · 2024-05-08T04:10:33+00:00

I'm in the same boat as you.

My stbxw had a rough 2nd pregnancy, PTSD and post natal depression, no matter how much I begged her to go see someone for it, she refused, she clearly didn't want to see herself as weak and needing external help, she was always stubborn like that.

That was Dec 2021. In Nov 2023, she had a dentist visit that triggered a neurological disorder, and she ended up going into hospital by Dec 23, she called for seperation from her hospital bed, said I didn't do enough for her, I had already pulled away in 2023 as I saw that she wasn't reciprocal with the energy I was putting into the relationship, would just sit and be vegetable on her phone, tik tok, Instagram etc, wouldn't contribute round the house, was distant to me and the kids, I couldn't handle it so I dived into work head fist to try and escape the collapsing of the marriage,.even went to therapy on her asking, but she never went when I asked her.

She then went and fucked her coworker on what would of been our wedding anniversary inarch this year, I have no doubts she was likely dabbling in an emotional affair with them last year, so instead of being a family.unit she was already fucking around with new excitement.

I try to be forgiving but people need to be accountable for their actions, and she's Been snake with lies after lies since she came.put of.hospital this time round, so it's hard to find forgiveness atm, but I know I'll have to, to get over it in the future

upvotersfortruth · 2024-05-08T02:22:48+00:00

Forgiveness is for us, not them.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-05-08T01:03:15+00:00

OP, you got actual proof she didn’t cheat? Because I bet she did.

Paterculus523 · 2024-05-07T19:34:16+00:00

Just make sure you have the concept down.

To forgive is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

This is not reconciliation, the restoration of friendly relations.

It’s important to release those feelings of past wrongs done to you. It’s better for your mental and physical health. Stress is a killer, dwelling on the past blinds you to the future.

This also doesn’t mean you can’t be disappointed by new and continued wrongs.

I would say never reconcile. She may be a person you will have to see and deal with for the rest of your life if you have kids. Here is how you interact keep it calm and respectfully cold, following the divorce decree and parenting plan. Only be flexible when it is in your kids’ and/or your best interest.

I recommend contact only through text and email. This keeps it on the record at all times and you can maintain accountability.
If she is abusive say it is abusive and end the conversation don’t become involved in her drama it only benefits her.

justsomedude1111 · 2024-05-07T18:43:18+00:00

Everyone is spiritually malfunctioning in one way or another. I have 16 years of experience with a Borderline Personality ex wife. I'm not trying to imply that's what's happening with your ex, but things can change rapidly with mental health. If forgiveness is something you want inside between you two, my experience says it's best to write, a lot. Start with your resentments. Then write an open letter to her and save it as a draft. When you have more to write it want to edit, it's there for you. Write a gratitude list. Everything good and bad that's come, stayed or left, be grateful. It's especially good to have around when you're having a bad day, but more important to look over when you're having a good day. Write down what role you had to play in your resentments. Easier said than done, but if you're honest with yourself you'll find something. Then, when you're ready, ask her for forgiveness. Be honest and specific about it. Tell her you're sorry. And if it starts to get ugly, just hang up or leave. Let her sit on it for a while. This move mows right through narcissism. And you'll be practicing the best mental health hygiene there is, and that is self honesty. No more self deception. You'll eventually see that she forgives you but is too sick to admit it, and you forgive her because you're able to move on with the same understanding. She's sick.

Capable_Luck_2817 · 2024-05-07T18:19:36+00:00

Friendly reminder that you can move on without forgiving someone. “Forgive but don’t forget” is a backwards mentality. Forget but don’t forgive.

theduckbilledplatypi · 2024-05-07T18:10:23+00:00

The wife you knew no longer exists. That was the main revelation that I had that helped me to move on when I started to hear the things she would say that just weren't her or the way she was acting that wasn't her at all either.

In its place is a woman that has fully convinced herself that you were the root of all of her troubles. Remember the better times with your wife as you remember her and accept that your wife, for all intents and purposes, is dead and replaced by someone else. I know this is a weird way of looking at it but for me, believing that my ex wife is not her, but a malformed version of her true self and herself is truly dead, has helped me to move on and forgive. She's not coming back.

Character_Let_3982 · 2024-05-07T17:54:08+00:00

I've reached the point of having no more fucks to give. I'm not sure if that counts as forgiveness or not. But there's peace there.

I hear of people keeping their ex as a casual to close friend. That would be my preference. She's dripping in venom tho. She victimized herself and, you know, not being a shrink or anything, I think that's her locked-in identity now. Her new friend group actually formed out of that victimization. There's a pretty large facebook group out there cheering her on actually. They are all new faces to me.

I think most divorces eventually die a heat death. Apathy.

gabriel-kornilov · 2024-05-07T17:46:47+00:00

Take your time. Start with forgiving yourself. The rest will come later eventually...

krazykanuck · 2024-05-07T17:35:12+00:00

It might help to try to shift how you view it. We're all flawed and shitty in one way or another. Your ex is just another shitty person who thinks all the things she thinks are true and being done to her. In her mind she is justified.

Forgiveness isn't about making up with them, it's about realizing it doesn't fucking matter what they did or didn't do from now on. You can't change it, you don't need to reconcile it, and you shouldn't dwell on it. Forgive her for being a shitty person, which she WILL CONTINUE TO BE. There is no fault or reason to it, it just is. Accepting that is the forgiveness.

And to be clear, it's not for her or for anyone else, it's for you to be able to move that shit out of your mental space. To not have it affect your mood. To truly move on and kick the ass outta life moving forward.

kublakhan1816 · 2024-05-07T17:19:29+00:00

I think I have forgiven my stbxw and then I’ll randomly be sitting alone and think about some bullshit she has done and realize I haven’t yet. I’m sure I will completely one day. Still fresh.

NoLawfulness8554 · 2024-05-07T17:11:26+00:00

I've forgiven my STBXW. She did the best she could for the skills she had. Forgiveness is really a benefit to you, that you give to yourself. Good luck.

CaliDude75 · 2024-05-07T16:39:28+00:00

In my case, it was a “slow death.” We just grew apart emotionally and physically, and I got tired of being taken for granted. I accept that I contributed to the failure of the marriage, but refuse to take 100% responsibility. I didn’t feel like she was willing or able to make the changes to make things work.

The bigger issue with forgiveness for me was with myself. I even asked my ex to forgive me for some things, and she did. We’re still on amicable, but arms-length terms. No kids.

Reflog1791 · 2024-05-07T15:55:46+00:00

If you use divorce as a springboard to improve everything in your life, forgiveness is easy.

Improving your life is the thing to focus on, not your ex or forgiveness.

Go to gym, get buff, update wardrobe, get a premium haircut. That is good for a raise at most workplaces.

Pick up a hobby and make new friends. Golf is the obvious one.

If you focus on ex wife, it will be much more difficult to improve your life because you need that focus to make new dreams and accomplish new goals.

I’m 5 years out and not only do I forgive my cheating ex wife, I thank her for her treachery. It was just what I needed to LIVE my life, as opposed to grinding out the 9-5 just to pay bills and placate ex wife.

The other side of divorce can be awesome if you let it go and move forward in earnest.

Realistic-Wizard8230 · 2024-05-07T15:54:17+00:00

I don’t and will never forgive her. I forgive myself, though, for being so naive and putting up with her abuse for so long. I don’t tell her that, of course. Don’t ever tell her you won’t forgive.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-05-07T18:24:56+00:00

I always say all women are emotionally ill or crazy there’s just a different level for them

Title	Forgiveness
Author	LeftySmithy
Upvotes	12
Comments	23
Date	May 7, 2024 3:48 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cmf3g0/forgiveness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/forgiveness.1517780 https://theredarchive.com/post/1517780

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