I'm falling backwards into a dark void that seems endless. Her emotional and psychological abuse over the years have taken their toll on me. Being told that you are a loser and an asshole every day really hurts eventually from someone you love and trust. I've held her up on a pedestal like she is a celebrity and I adopted the peasant mentality to keep her happy.

I'm only a few weeks in, our little kids don't know that daddy is leaving. The trauma from a terrible childhood divorce is resurfacing. I'm an amazing father and I'm told this frequently from others but that's not good enough for her. She has never cooked in 15 years for me, cleaned the floors, cleaned pot/pans - she has only ever done misplaced laundry (because of her expensive clothes).

I know of at least two affairs that she still denies, but I have evidence. This feeling is like being on a trapeze and knowing that the other bar is waiting for me. I'm not afraid of flying into the expense of unknown, I'm afraid of letting go as the protector of my family.

I'm ashamed to envision my title as a divorced man when I've done nothing but treat her like a queen. I'm ashamed that I somehow convinced myself that I wasn't a king. I'm ashamed of the terrifying horror that my children are about to experience, they are great kids who don't deserve this.

Our first real mediation is in 2 months and I will not be leaving my marital home. Today, I'm consulting with a third lawyer who is very experienced.

I just want my family back and for her to jump to the inevitable point of realizing what a mistake she's made. This epiphany is being delayed by her lonely and irresponsible friends reinforcing this destruction of my family.