Fuck, this hurts.

Zealousideal-Bear-37 · 2023-04-08T13:36:19+00:00

Don’t date man . Focus on you . You’re in pain . Don’t numb the pain with another person . Heal and be complete yourself .

WildestWaltz · 2023-04-08T14:25:31+00:00

STOP keeping tabs on your ex. You are extending the pain.
Hide away anything that reminds you of the previous life. Out of eye, out of mind.
Distract yourself, keep busy - Read, watch movies, watch some netflix series, go out, take the kids out. Oh, and clean - That works pretty well.
Absolutely cry when and where you feel comfortable. Don't hold back. Cry your heart out. That is part of human grieving process and one of the way for healthy emotional discharge. You will feel lighter and better after that.
Remind yourself, she does not deserve you, despite your mind saying otherwise.

Edit: Formatting.

JonathanApple · 2023-04-08T13:31:20+00:00

Forget her, focus on your kids. They need you and they need you to be strong. Good luck brother.

rookiepatchaut · 2023-04-08T15:33:31+00:00

You’re already dating?

I was married for 12 years, been divorced / separated for two now. I’m still not ready to date and I know that. I don’t plan to date until I’m comfortable being alone and am sufficiently over her.

If I date before I’m over my ex, I’ll probably hurt the next person, or enter in a LTR with the next person who happens to say the right things. I made a huge mistake marrying this woman, but if I repeat the mistake, that’s on me.

Picking up new hobbies, improving career, and getting in better shape have taken up my time.

And I’m also 46, so it’s not like time is on my side. But I can’t mess this up again. (My ex, who I loved so much, cheated on me).

You’re not over ex, and you shouldn’t be after only 3 months. I’d hold off for now, but everyone is different. You need to really analyze what went wrong in your last rel, and what standards are non-negotiable for you in your next rel. Time is precious whether you’re 26, 46, or 66.

Gonzo458 · 2023-04-08T14:43:10+00:00

Brother, it hit me 6 months later. I thought I was grieving at the start. Then I made some bad coping decisions until I realized I was only destroying myself. Then all the emotions hit me like a tidal wave recently.

You will get through this. We all will. As much as I hate to say it, time heals. And time takes time, my friend. I'm here for you if you just wanna talk or need a shoulder to cry on. Yes, you can cry. You can scream. But we don't stop in hell when we're walking through it. We find a buddy and keep on keepin on.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2023-04-08T16:25:23+00:00

You'll here this alot but brother, make yourself a home gym and start hitting that anytime you get thoughts like this. Get a 100lb punching bag too. It's been absolutely game changing for me to get back in my weight lifting routine. I had lots of emotions that took precedence over the lifting but since I started doing it so much, I didn't realize in the meantime I packed on some muscle again and my 38 year old self has his 22 year old body back. And guess what, that stands out because the average 38 year old is built like a bowl of jelly these days. On top of that, a middle aged dude with his stuff together, is a good Dad AND has a nice body is cat nip for all the hot single moms out there. I haven't started dating as I'm going to take some serious me time but damn, the attention I'm getting lately and insinuations are REALLY tempting.

You aren't alone, it seriously sucks to look at the woman you took vows with to throw it aside but she is going to find the landscape out there isn't great. Don't kill them with kindness but torture them with your success.

Melynthos1492 · 2023-04-08T15:15:21+00:00

Hit gym. Read No More Mr nice guy. Lose weight, focus on hobbies

realvvk · 2023-04-08T14:32:12+00:00

Do not date for at least a year. You will regret it. Focus on your kids and your life. Be the best father you can. Read up on divorce, relationships, kids of divorce, child custody, family law. Consult with attorneys. Make sure you have an iron clad parenting plan and custody order. Your kids are your first, second, third and tenth priority — everything else comes after that. Don’t badmouth your ex in front of your kids. If you suspect she does that — you need to act asap to help them. Read books on parental alienation.

Mugennsx · 2023-04-08T14:08:20+00:00

Agree, focus on yourself and your passion and mission in life. It will put your mind in a good place. There are no guarantees that love or a relationship will last in life, please stay strong. My own papers are coming..

No_Key_6276 · 2023-04-08T14:27:46+00:00

You need to get past her before you can even start dating. You need to heal or you will bring that baggage to your next relationship if you decide to go that way. The woman you married and fell for is gone, she’s not who she was and neither are you. Focus on hobbies and working on yourself. Focus on your kids. Life gets better. It won’t be easy but it can be easier.

joemoorcarz · 2023-04-08T14:55:08+00:00

Don't suck it up!! Feel free to be hurt and angry! You need to get those out of your system and can't help but feel it. Focus on supporting your children, and taking care of yourself. Find a hobby that keeps your mind occupied. Arrange private times when you can cry and rave away from the kids. Eventually you'll find the feelings lessen. Then work on your self confidence you are still as great a guy as you where before her. You'll know when you're ready to start dating.

phalo · 2023-04-08T15:08:30+00:00

Everyone is ready to move on at different times. You don't sound like you're ready to date, even if it's just for practice.

Heal first, focus on the kids and don't ruminate on your ex, that person is gone.

simjanes2k · 2023-04-08T16:45:45+00:00

Everyone else is right. Stop thinking about your ex, as rapidly as possible. We all know 100% that this is impossible advice to fully take, just keep in mind that there is a reason we all say it. You absolutely cannot forget the woman you loved so recently and gave your life to, but you have to. Fast.

All of your attention should be on yourself and your kids. That's the only right move.

Also, dating won't help. Please trust us on that. Don't chase that cheap gratification. It leads to more pain.

morrowrd · 2023-04-09T10:26:58+00:00

Man, I wouldn't worry about dating right now. You're still extracting yourself from a mess and you're not over it. Your jealous about what your wife is doing with other men, comparing dates to your wife....not fair to them. Going into dating just for the sake of practice, is a bad idea and unfair to the women your dating. Your basically wasting their time. I too am from NY, and am in the tail end of a divorce. I am enjoying my peace and quiet now, and even though my wife (ex now) is in another man's home, thank God for him. Only because he inserted himself when he did, which was immediately following our separation, (like one day after), she began to transition out of my life and into his rather quickly. Be grateful for these other guys taking your problem off your hands. You don't need to be with a woman who doesn't love you anymore. Hang out with your kids, watch tv and play with them, and go hiking or something by yourself and enjoy your peace. Date later, there's plenty of time and fish in the sea.

whowhat468 · 2023-04-08T17:33:56+00:00

CRY! There’s nothing wrong with crying bro. I was the same way until it hit me all of a sudden. What triggered it was a family bbq that we usually attended together, sure I laughed and enjoyed the usual banter. However when I got to my place I literally collapsed on the ground sobbing…. The good news is after that long deep cry I never did it again. I mean sure I had bad days but the tears never swelled up like it did that day. When you do date try not to compare anyone w/your wife. Don’t replace her. LEVEL UP!

No-Blackberry7887 · 2023-04-08T18:20:58+00:00

I read through some of your earlier posts. Your wife is a vile creature who abused you and your child. She probably has serious mental issues. You truly deserve someone much better. I can't tell you it doesn't hurt it does, but in the long run you'll be better off. That depends on you though. Get IC and focus on yourself and on your children. I applaud you that you had the courage to file for divorce and get out. Things will get better.

ThenPersonality7555 · 2023-04-08T18:37:57+00:00

I don't know. I break down and cry missing my daughter and afraid for what the future holds, and how bad I'm going to come out of this divorce financially. Like, I cry all the time. Last night I broke down going through all my daughter's old pictures, such a happy girl, and now in the middle of a divorce. I don't care about my ex, she was dead and gone years ago, but missing my kid and what my life looks like on the other side of this breaks me down every day.

Decorum1 · 2023-04-08T20:11:57+00:00

Updateme!

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ranger69danger · 2023-04-08T21:13:53+00:00

You are doing a hard thing for your kiddos and you deserve to 1) let her go, for all of your good; 2) take good care of you - avoid the booze; 3) spend some extra money on eating well and exploring a new hobby or rec pursuit (I specifically suggest hopping on a dirtbike or moto).

You will be happy again some day. Keep leaning on your buddies! This community of people not (too too)broken by divorce from a woman is here all the time. Lean on us!

You can do this brother. I beam you good vibes! You’d be welcome to come take a ride with me just for the crucible that you are being melted into: I believe that good self-care with support from friends, strangers, your deep well of Dad Strength™️™️, and finding the simple joys of the wind in your hair, bugs in your teeth, and the thrill of piloting a rocketpony (even just for a short ride around the neighborhood) will crystallize you into a better bigger version of the man that you are today.

We are rooting for you.

Zardozki · 2023-04-08T22:03:09+00:00

I don't have kids so I can't relate to that pain. I wish you well though. My ex cheated in a really evil way that drove an ice pick right through my heart and I wasn't sure how I'd recover, but I did after taking a year off. The divorce process alone was a side job that took about that long and the thought of dating was uninteresting. I'm writing sort of a long post because I'm coming up on the year anni of my separation next week.

I was in no way ready after 3 months. At all. Everyone says this because it's true - don't bother with women and focus on your little ones and yourself. What does a woman have to offer you right now anyway? I dunno about you, but sex with uninteresting women is just jerking off barely elevated.

I wasn't ready until I felt something reawaken inside and I had an "I'm back" moment. For me, that was around the 10 month mark when the final orders were delivered. I spent most of the last year evaluating all the things I was accountable for that led to me choosing a loser and perpetuating a shitty codependent relationship. I was already a fitness person, but you should get right on that if you aren't. It'll lift your spirit and make you feel powerful again.

I got lucky and met a lady that shares almost all of my interests (ex never did) and likes me for who I am, not my paycheck. Sex is non-stop and off the chain. Hanging out and just chilling is actually fun, and I enjoy talking for once. Everyone told me it gets better and I didn't know how to receive that, I'm sure you don't either because you're in the shit right now. Brother, it does and it will. I promise. Best of luck to you and your kids, you'll be alright.

Successful-wet-fart · 2023-04-08T22:15:50+00:00

I cry everyday in the car when I’m alone. I cry & I scream. I keep a bottle of visine red eye in my center console & a small box of tissues. When I’m done I’ll visine my eyes & dry with tissues. Usually at a red light or parked. Then I’m able to put on my normal happy face for the world. Hold it in when you have to but let it the F out when you can. Use the pain as motivation. Go for a run until all you can feel is the pain in your legs & the burning of your lungs. Use your anger to keep you going one more step. One more step. One more. Pretend every extra step you force yourself to take is a step on her face.

northdakotact · 2023-04-08T22:24:51+00:00

It may take you time but you will get closure. It's over 5 years for me, my ex is apparently not happy and married to some ugly simp yes man.

Me, I may be in my 50's but I'm single and retired.

ImprovementBrave3015 · 2023-04-08T22:34:35+00:00

Shit man. I’m sorry. I feel your pain. Look I separated from my soon to be ex, and move across the country. I now live in a place where I do not know anyone outside of my co-workers, I have not had a genuine friend in over a year. I haven’t even had so much as an invitation to do Something with someone in almost a year. I go to Work, and home. I make one trip to the store about once every couple weeks. You have your kids, and for that you are blessed. mine have been manipulated by my ex to think that I am a bad person to the point my middle child has said to me on more than one occasion that she doesn’t want anything to do with me, and would rather kill herself than talk to me.

Yeah it hurts. You are not alone. As people have said focus on you and the kids. I know it’s hard but that grief needs to happen. Avoid relationships until you can move past the grieving phase. It’s not fair to you while in this phase. And it’s really not fair to go on dates, she doesn’t deserve to be used. She is taking a chance and needs to see if there is a connection, and not getting compared to your ex, she is her own person and you need to be in a place to separate that before you start dating.

THX1138-22 · 2023-04-08T22:41:11+00:00

Your sentence "she shared so little in common with my wife..." shows that you are looking for a replacement for your wife, which is not going to work well in the world of dating. Each woman is unique and trying to find one that is like what you imagined your former wife to be, will be like finding a needle in a haystack. I understand the desire to start dating in order to fill the gaping void, but you are basically filling the void with dynamite.

I think, instead, you should try filling your life with meaningful and fun extracurricular activities. One that really helped me was signing up for an improv comedy class. Sounds weird, but it was a blast. First, we spent most of the time laughing and having fun. Second, the other classmates were great--they were open, adventurous and accepting. Third, half of them were recent divorcees or were breaking up from a relationship, so were were all open to connecting as a group. Fourth, learning how to be funny has really helped in other areas of my life. Fifth, it is in-person and that is so important in this post pandemic world. The whole experience was such a gift--I looked forward to it every week. Just look up "improv comedy class" in your zip code and you may find a few.

timascus · 2023-04-09T00:53:43+00:00

Don’t date brother. Time will help. I know it hurts worse than anything right now.

rsmiley77 · 2023-04-09T01:00:31+00:00

I agree with everyone saying not to hold it in. Get it out. You must grieve. The thing that surprised me about the grieving process is that it isn’t like the movies and tv where it’s a straight line…. Nope. Anger will hit and it will hit again. All 7 will come and go over and over again. When you let it out though you hope after a while it’s like a train horn. More and more distant and less painful and taxing overall.

Also you don’t seem like you need to be dating but I do get it. We’ve all been there. I’d just remember divorce is a marathon not a sprint. Your ex has a head start on you right now but there’s an excellent chance you’ll catch and surpass her. Run YOUR race.

Ecstatic-Eye-5766 · 2023-04-09T01:01:53+00:00

Don’t “ practice “. Respect yourself and the other person. It’s a process and you are going through it… let it all out man.. don’t hold it back and maybe punch some sand bag let all the anger out ….exercise helps a lot too… mentally and physically. Take care u will be fine.

Lumpy-Prior3261 · 2023-04-09T02:44:08+00:00

Dude just let it go as far as her in a hotel room with some other guy she's broken that's why it won't last they all think it will until that day comes when the wife's have to shack up with a guy that really does t want a living gf it always goes south pretty fast. My wife I caught her in her birthday she should have been home by 12:30 am the latest well after work I guess she decided to go screw the guy she had been hanging out with well I caught her at 5 am and to top that off I spent over $14 for her bday a new wedding ring and a trip for us to go to Hawaii because I felt bad we didn't get a honeymoon when we got married so the ring it didn't bother me but the trip I got from her mom she was a travel agent paid In full it was a price cut I couldn't get a dime back of that money and I didn't go so I showed her both gave to trip to my best friend and his wife but they didn't want to except it at first until I told them why I was giving it to them to this day they are the only 2 people know about my exes Affair.

Title	Fuck, this hurts.
Author	tecnic
Upvotes	37
Comments	36
Date	April 8, 2023 1:05 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/12flhqy/fuck_this_hurts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/fuck-this-hurts.1213710 https://theredarchive.com/post/1213710

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