How do I save this marriage?

ChompySnack · 2023-01-22T17:40:54+00:00

Protect your financial assets. Tbh it sounds like someone who is trying to justify in her own mind why she’s having an affair. Looking for old grievances and disconnecting physically sounds like she’s feeling guilty. The harpy single friends are always a bad influence on marriages.

chunckyd · 2023-01-22T17:51:56+00:00

I am in the same boat right now. There is no pleasing her you are wasting your time. Once she withdraws like this you are done. Catering to her needs is a futile waste of effort. Woman never forget and probably much like my wife she will bring up shit from years ago. My wife still brings something up from 6 years ago not everytime there is an argument but i would say 60% of the time i here about this incident (it was NOT cheating or abuse to be clear). Trying to win her over will do nothing because the last thing she wants to see is your face. Sorry for you - stay strong.

I am not saying she is cheating but this video outlines the steps she is going through.

[https://youtu.be/Hg0oElWfGDg]

ballzdeepinbacon · 2023-01-22T18:50:21+00:00

I killed myself (almost literally) over trying to please my ex. I also got almost nothing in terms of physical affection (touch, cuddling, sex etc. she at one point told me to find it elsewhere. She told me she couldn’t give me what I needed (thinking sex) but when I told her I just wanted touch and affection she wouldn’t give that either. You can’t change her mind, do yourself a mental favour and move on, find someone who loves you the way you need. I did.

DocHolliday80 · 2023-01-22T19:44:50+00:00

My ex wife began behaving like yours in 2021, and also was hanging with other women (several different women and groups of them) who I think influenced her decision of asking for a divorce. We finalized the divorce process last week.

She was sharing an office at her work with the ex wife of the common friend that acquainted us, who used to vent about her ex husband on my wife, and how much happier she was after divorce; also several of her friends had divorced lately.

I tried to fix things, to no result.

Women give each other bad pieces of advice.

EvidencePlz · 2023-01-22T18:44:36+00:00

Let this one go. You need and deserve a new P sleeve.

I'm incredibly attracted to her

That's a life-threatening disease called Oneitis. There's still time to recover.

"ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on." -- Rollo Tomassi.

Source: https://therationalmale.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/

Beamformer · 2023-01-22T17:40:04+00:00

I wasted years trying to save things after mine checked out. The harder you try, the weaker they will see you.

WartimeDad · 2023-01-22T22:08:16+00:00

Be prepared for her to rewrite your entire history. Everything will suddenly be seen through her onion glass of resentment and self delusion.

Why is she doing this? Because she is framing you as an awful, abusive, evil man. Why is she doing that? Because she is about to do something unforgivable, and she needs to make that make sense in her mind.

The likelyhood that she will turn this into an extremely contentious divorce is high.

Can you save the marriage? Absolutely fucking not. Get that out of your head. It’s not even worth saving. Your life, and the lives of your kids, will be so much better after she’s away from you and being toxic on her own, away from you.

You need to prepare yourself by recording conversations with her. She is going to be baiting you into arguments. Creating conflicts. She wants to get you to become emotional and upset. Your goal should be to always stay rational, and get her insanity on tape. And protect yourself from her forthcoming false accusations.

You need to hire an attorney. You should aim to file first. You should not leave the house.

It won’t be long before she goes nuclear with a restraining order based on lies. It gives her a huge advantage in the divorce.

Consider this your warning!

Theedon · 2023-01-22T19:54:11+00:00

Sir, I played the simp in the final days of my marriage. It didn't help. It only weakened my position. You are the Man of the house. It is time to act like it. File for the divorce now. Show her you have the balls to stand up for yourself. Show her that testosterone still flows through your veins. Put the house up for sale now because the market is dipping. Be that asshole Chad that her single girlfriends point out to her at the bar. "Look at how manly Chad is." Is what they tell her. Her fantasy is to be with him because it is exciting and makes her wet.

You are chasing a women that has rejected you. She will keep rejected you because it empowers her.

I am sorry if this hurts to read bit it is what is happening.

reddit_1999 · 2023-01-22T21:13:42+00:00

Ah yes, the wife's support system of women telling your wife - "You go, girl!" Isn't it wonderful? /s

In my wife's case I call it the "Happy Divorcee's Club." It's nothing but a bunch of women who are divorced, separated, or maybe even still married, but openly think that their husbands are nothing but assholes. Some of them have recently had boob jobs and/or lap band surgeries and are suddenly feeling real sexy again after not having men give them a second look for decades. From experience I'll tell you that unfortunately these women will have 10 times more influence with your wife than any sensible person advising her to try and save her marriage. And then throw in all these dating apps available to them and they really feel like the world is their oyster. It's really a sad fucking state of affairs today.

Bipolar_investor · 2023-01-22T16:57:55+00:00

Be careful, a woman would toss it all for no reason. And the more she knows you don't want her to, the faster the destruction process will go. Consult with a lawyer, and prepare yourself, she probably already has a replacement lined up

captainchippsixx · 2023-01-22T17:27:45+00:00

Stop chasing. Start the divorce plan. Say fuck it. Someone advised no more mr nice guy book. Read it! Or just say fuck it like I said.

You have to plan for the worst. I’m sure someone has better ideas than I do. But the Worst is she makes false accusations against you. Maybe she won’t but the post you typed leans towards she will. Start accumulating evidence to support you being a good person, husband and dad.

Next she could wipe the accounts and try to kick you out. Have a spare key, copy of the deed. Put alerts on the accounts. Lower credit card amount to use. Start cash backing and stash some cash.

Look. She may already started a divorce plan herself. Stay on the offensive, don’t sit back and wait for her.

Also. Your new attitude towards her may shock her out of this bullshit. But you have to be committed. Go back to being the man you were. Hang tough. Kick aZz. If you want to go this route….. then. I also advise airing the shit into daylight with both families by your self. Tell them how it is. Just like you told us. And tell them you feel divorce is the only way. Be cool. Own your shit if any. Go with facts. She said this. She will not have sec with me or kiss.

gtbjw85 · 2023-01-22T20:55:23+00:00

It’s dead Jim

glassofwater05 · 2023-01-22T21:36:21+00:00

Lot's of people have recommended The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. I started listening on Wednesday and finished it today. It is full of ah ha moments, and it has truly changed how I'm looking at our divorce. I was basically where you are two weeks ago.

stent00 · 2023-01-22T22:06:57+00:00

Dude knockoff the acts of kindness crap from that love languages book... She's already checked out. Her girlfriend group are not helping. It's known that friends give the worst relationship advice. Stop thinking her as an object of desire as she dosent want to be near you with a 10 foot pole..ya you've got a serious case of one itis... It only goes away with time. And a more abundance mindset

xadmin123 · 2023-01-22T20:26:49+00:00

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. You may need to read up on it and it will explain her behavior.

crypto_keeper88 · 2023-01-22T21:16:53+00:00

There is no saving a relationship once your partner is checked out and is filled with resentment. Move on is the only option

CrazySanta7 · 2023-01-22T23:18:54+00:00

Bro, stop what you are doing immediately. She is gone, and the marriage is over. The sooner you realize this, the better. When women are done, they are DONE. 90% chance she is cheating on you. Women ALWAYS have a reason to leave and a place to land. 'Not my wife' is a common response, but it's reality once you understand female hypergamous nature.

Biologically, men are able to get assigned a task or problem and work on it until fixed. This is a detriment in this situation. You 'want' the marriage to continue, so you are putting on this damn kindress circus act. It will not work! She does not want it, but you are trying to manipulate her. She will lose more respect for you. Imagine some woman comes off the street and comes up and says,'I love you!'. You kindy walk away, but she continues to follow you and proclaims her love for you. She tries to give you gifts, etc. The strange wonan in this story is you. Stop.

There are two certainties in this situation; 1,) you will likely divorce, 2.) she is probably at least emotionally involoved with someone else, and 3.) You are going to be okay. You have to start acting as if the divorce is going to happen. Stop being Mr. Nice guy, and get in touch with an attorney. Talk to a few of your good friends for some support. Most don't want to hear about your problems, so only tell a few trusted people. Get in the gym, get sleep, and eat right. If you are like most, your sleep sucks and you lose weight (divorce diet). Get back to things you did before marriage. Golf, bowling, pool, etc. Do not make changes for her. These are for you. Trying to show her your 'a new man' is manipulation. Start preparing for YOUR future, not one with her. I guarantee she is preparing for one without you.

It's going to seem like your life is ending, but it's not. You will be strong AF after this. Take your lumps, learn your lesson, and don't get married again. If you need to get laid, just hold off. Potentially, you could get pinned with adultry, depending on state. After that...go to town. I did the same. If you want no commuttment, there are sites like seeking arrangements, but you got to pay to play (you are paying them to leave lol)......all relationships are transactional anyway. It's definitely cheaper than divorce from a mans perspective. Good luck, bro.

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-01-23T01:58:01+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat my friend. My wife has been treating me exactly the same since October and right after new years came the divorce talk. No sex in over 2 months. I spent the first two weeks of January depressed as hell, begging her to reconsider, do marriage therapy, doing all the laundry, dishes, cleaning, watching the kids etc. Then we went to therapy last week and she absolutely DESTROYED me to the therapist, a few things were true but most of it was completely made up BS or theories about everything. We drove home in silence, she tried to give me a hug when we got home I didn’t hug back. It was at that moment, listening to this women absolutely destroy my character with BS that I realized it was over. I lost 14 lbs since January 3rd when she hit me with the Divorce talk because I had no appetite even though I lift weights several times a week. Wanna know what I ate for dinner the day after therapy? A fucking two pound porterhouse steak baby, rare as hell. Why? Because I was no longer desperate to keep her and couldn’t care less, I feel fucking amazing. That woman you married is gone man. The woman you live with now wants to destroy you. You need to prepare for war and understand that she will not fight fair. I meet with a lawyer tomorrow afternoon and best believe I am going to fight like hell. Fuck her and her whole scheming family.

Plaguedispenser · 2023-01-22T19:46:59+00:00

Sounds like exactly where I am at. I love her dearly and would do anything to repair the damage in our relationship. She doesn't want to hear anything. She has a group of online friends and co-workers that are reinforcing the idea of throwing me to the side. All of my mistakes are literally recorded in notebooks and online and she consults them regularly to remember why she shouldn't ever trust me again. I've gone on a huge journey of self improvement over the last year and it isn't even acknowledged.

When I read that she was literally praying for a divorce and not for a chance at saving things I knew it was over. I filed the next week.

Now I'm dealing with the guilt of leaving and the fear of being ruined by child support. I love and want to support my children but there are only so many hours in the day to work.

playerknowmore · 2023-01-22T19:58:48+00:00

This may sound crazy but the only way to save it is to file for divorce. If she is using separation as a behavior modification technique, or if she is using separation to put feelers into the dating market; divorce will prevent her from seeing you as a backup plan. She may have her eye on some guy at work, but it's complicated; you need to force her hand.

Not only put the divorce on the table; but demand she modifies her behavior or else. This way if you do get divorced you walk away with your dignity. Dignity and self-respect are way more important than having a wife.

Don't say anything; surprise her with the papers. I did this three years ago and I'm still married.

San_Ra · 2023-01-22T21:02:41+00:00

You dont. You save your relationship with your kids.

ProcedureAltruistic3 · 2023-01-22T22:23:25+00:00

Same here. Mine had a boyfriend within weeks of leaving. That was the catalyst in the end. The things she's bringing up are justifications for her behavior behind your back. And her friend group either doesn't know about him yet, or they do and like him better because she's literally been poisoning the well knowing this is the direction she's going. Women, for all their emotion, don't make sudden decisions. This is all planned out to your detriment. The advice I have is stop trying to get her back and start putting up a defense because she's already ahead of you. My stbx had another man and a lease signed before I knew what hit me. Start thinking the worst.

yosemitesam00 · 2023-01-22T23:31:34+00:00

Now she wants a separation because she is stuck thinking about truly human mistakes that I've made over the years.

Fuck that. This ship has sailed and it's something she's been planning for a long time. Get a lawyer, do not sign anything from her, and do not move out of the marital home.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-01-23T04:17:15+00:00

This sub is not where you are likely to find advice to salvage what may or may not be left of your marriage. Two to marry, one to divorce. If she's done, she's done and all these flaws she's finding in you is how she is justifying her cheating in her own mind. She's punishing you for her guilt.

FineTransition96 · 2023-01-23T06:15:43+00:00

I was in the same exact situation - small mistakes that got blown way out of proportion. She slept on the couch. What can I tell you - I am very sorry because it was an unbelievably hard time for me as well. We were married for 10 years, together for 13. We have two children - 5 and 7.

Our divorce was finalized last week on Tuesday and now I am officially single again. She got half the assets I alone have built (since she was actually pretty lazy and all the providing hinged on me). She got a very awsome deal in the divorce - basically all of my money - but I at least could keep the house since she could not afford it anyway - even with "child" (mom) support. Child support for our two kids - loads of it. Financially I am in a bad spot, but since I am used to working like a mule, I will just continue for a few years and everything will work itself out. It's a bit unfortunate because I thought that by now (I'm 41) I could actually wind down a bit and relax on the fruits of my very hard labor for the last 10-15 years. I literally had no vacation (self employed) for 7 years now - just so we could have this beautiful home for our family.

I can tell you one thing though: I am fucking glad, that I am rid of her. I just feel free and ready to get on with my life. So basically: It really DOES get better with time. You will get used to the new situation, it will suck for a while but eventually you realize that you are way better off without a person in your life that thinks it's ok to treat you like she does.

You gave your vows to each other and she broke them. Not you - she alone. Everyone makes mistakes in a relationship - especially a long one. Everyone says things that are shitty, that they would like to "erase" but all they can do is apologize. To hold these things over one's head years later is just a sign of a really bad, unforgiving, vengeful character or as others have said: She is just trying to justify something else (maybe an affair). Also only a thing a very shitty person would do. Nothing you want to have in your life.

Hope you are doing ok man - it really sucks. Try to surround yourself with family and friends as much as possible.

ariesmel1 · 2023-01-22T23:14:01+00:00

Hi - How old is she? Is she Peri- Menopause (40+) or Menopause? Menopause is when she does not have a period for 12 months minimum. She may need to get her hormones checked. Look into Bio Identical hormones and the DUTCH test. natural and safe.

Decorum1 · 2023-01-22T22:52:30+00:00

Remindme! 3 weeks updateme!

fff

skyscraper54321 · 2023-01-23T01:44:55+00:00

What is there to save? I read your previous post and it seems almost certain she's cheating on you. Add to that she is treating you worse than dirt.

Even if you want to repair this marriage (which I strongly advise you don't) the first thing you should do it stop engaging with her shit behaviour. If you simp and keep being nice it will only drive her away. Take some advice here and get your shit together.

Data_Fan · 2023-01-23T03:37:16+00:00

Best way to save it is to prepare to walk away. She's behaving like this because she can. She may or may not know what the repercussions could be, but she probably doesn't care because you allow it to be this way. You are working out to stay physically healthy. Put the same effort into your emotional health. I'm not saying this will save the marriage, but you will be healthier, and thats what really matters

LonelyNC123 · 2023-01-23T16:17:38+00:00

Friend - I hate to tell you this but the marriage is over. One person can't save a marriage by themselves, both people have to try.

whowhat468 · 2023-01-25T21:15:08+00:00

It seems like the end of the world, I know man.. it hurts! I’ve been through it! The woman that said she loves you and would never hurt you, now could possibly hate you? Cheat on you? The visual’s I used to torture myself with my ex wife were awful!! seriously though. It doesn’t look good. But I promise you. There’s someone better for you out there. Think positive

Adventurous_Rain_279 · 2023-01-26T15:30:07+00:00

First, we stop having sex( once a month/once few month/ almost 0). She started blaming for no attention to her, she was bored( no job, no kids). She started pointing to me being different/ugly, not taking care of myself, fat, nasty. And it went like a spiral.

I tried pahycotherapist, she agreed ( and then ran away every time time has come). So never went for joint sessions

It felt, she completely checked out. I couldnt believe it and seen no valid reason for such a change

And , after half a year ive found out she had ankther guy for half a year.

So, when women is checked out, you lost her trust, emotional connection, respect.

She will be doing anythjng what her enotions will like. Typically, sex and “risky” stuff on the side with a male she respects

And , indeed i hated her girlfriends. They were messy amd crazy, and 100% helped her to cheer up to quite quitting and cheating. They say “you diserve more” and etc. They just want to see , how she gonna be screwed. But she is not understanding that.

So, i recommend you to lawyer up. And keep it quite. Fill for divorce mate

Cause one day, you will hnderstand that somebody already fkcs you wife. And youve ignored the signs

And in your case, you look like one of us/ mr.nice guys.

Sorry, but you just have to admit it is done

** beware, when it starts going to divorce, they will ask you to “not file papers”, promise to fix it. Dont fukcing believe it. Thats intentionally , prolonged road for additional elimneta and making sure they “collect evidences”, they hide miney and etc. so at the moment of divorce, they will be poor little thing. They gonna tell you’ve cheated and , you are rich.

Title	How do I save this marriage?
Author	tecnic
Upvotes	14
Comments	58
Date	January 22, 2023 4:53 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/10io573/how_do_i_save_this_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-i-save-this-marriage.1149350 https://theredarchive.com/post/1149350

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