Need a Different Perspective

Independent-Cut-138 · 2023-11-21T12:45:29+00:00

How can you make the decision to stay when she is the one asking for a divorce? You’re not walking away, she is. And she has reasons why. What are they? You can’t just flip this one around like it was your idea in the first place. Is family therapy an option?

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-11-21T12:46:08+00:00

If she’s asking for a divorce I’m not really sure what decision you’re asking about since she’s made it for you.

Has she filed or are you aware that she’s planning to? If so you need to snap out of denial asap and start figuring out who’s going to live where, custody, shore up finances etc. if she asks you to leave the home do not under any circumstances do that. If she can’t stand you being there then she can leave. Get 50/50 custody of your children secured and don’t let her make any huge purchases during the process.

Divorced / single friends are absolutely deadly to marriage. Sorry this is happening to you.

warwww · 2023-11-21T13:03:55+00:00

Indeed to the comments above. Whyyyyyy would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? That is the nexus of it all really. Gracefully let them go and find someone who actually wants to be with you.

Teechumlessons · 2023-11-21T14:50:33+00:00

How can u stay when she is saying she wants a divorce? Her decision is to divorce you. It only takes one person so your question is irrelevant

P_Galley · 2023-11-21T15:27:52+00:00

It's difficult and I am going through the pain of it too. I discovered some inappropriate discussions with another man and gave her an option. Drop it all and work with me to rehabilitate our relationship or we both seek out a lawyer. She chose to try and rehabilitate.

It was pointless. She didn't do anything to match my spirit to rehabilitate. Therapy although good for me was useless for her. She didn't do the homework but just showed up. Therapist said might have to come to grips this is over. She is not showing any signs of connecting.

A year of civil but loveless/ sexless existence continued. I recently discovered again she was communicating with him and crossed the boundary we set a year earlier. Bottom line they check out months to years before they ask for a divorce or carry on an affair.

She was too far gone. And what remained was a shell of the woman I met and fell in love with.

Very hard mate. My only salvation is a tight group of friends 2-3 that know my journey at the moment. And make themselves available to me 24/7. This helps so much.

Fair_Warning_5150 · 2023-11-21T17:40:53+00:00

I was married for 20 years. You know your marriage is over as you shift from partners to roommates, but you don't want a divorce because of the impact that it will have on your kids and you will miss seeing them daily.

Ex found a new circle of friends (mostly divorced women) who I'm sure told her she could do better than me so she filed for divorce. Ex also has financial issues that helped to contribute to the downfall of our marriage.

Staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children is making life for you living hell, which is not healthy. Your older children probably know your marriage is broken. Kids aren't stupid. As a father it's hard not seeing my kids on a daily basis, but that doesn't change the relationship that I have with them.

I've been divorced for 3 years. It's hard starting over. Focus on your children and yourself. Don't rush in looking to date. (tips on here are helpful). Been dating someone for 2 years and couldn't be happier.

techrmd3 · 2023-11-21T19:06:16+00:00

>>>we've recently experienced a gradual shift in our relationship. I don't believe there's another person involved,

RETHINK that assumption Quick bud.

>>>I'm torn between staying in a loveless marriage and walking away from the family I've built over the years.

Don't worry about being "torn" your wifey IS NOT. A woman only brings up Divorce if she's actively considering it and has her exit plan mostly figured out. As in SHES TALKING TO A LAWYER.

Do you have your exit plan figured out? If not it's time to start working on that. AND get a lawyer. Most likely the wifey has or has already gotten some pointed divorce advice.

My story is that the first time Divorce was brought up I ignored it. But as this was brought up repeatedly I did get the impression that the wifey might actually DO IT. So I mentally prepared for this eventuality.

I prepared mentally for my life NOT being defined by being married to a woman who could become an enemy amidst divorce. I learned about how to date (by reading books). I worked on my health and overall appearance (because I'm going to date ya know). I worked on my friendships and my external network to make sure that I had emotional support if I needed it. I made sure my career and skills were rock solid so that I would not have to deal with any random things in worklife while wifey shredded my personal life.

Things I wish I had done. NOTED that wifey setup a bank account separate from previous joint account and started depositing funds there. (I should have setup my own separate account). Done a bit more research on where I might stay if I was asked to leave (apartments, hotels etc). Setup a special "emergency fund" of cash cash only I knew about to make a sudden departure of the family home be easier. Had an emergency clothes bag with clothes and toiletries setup. If wifey decides to call police or claim assault you literally have about 10 minutes leeway to NOT find yourself in the back of a squad car. Started to talk to parents and TRUSTED family members about family issues (really really wish I had done this).

All I can say is my mental preparation was INVALUABLE for me to keep my career on track. No one at my workplace knew I was going through a divorce and were surprised when I mentioned it a year after final. Above "wish I had dones" are really my only regret.

fmlifu · 2023-11-21T18:02:07+00:00

I would advise you to talk with her and ask her why she is asking for a divorce. After such a long marriage, she owns you at least an explanation and "I just don't feel a connection anymore." it's bs . That is what people say when they consider the real answer to be too harsh/ rude .

sinisterkid34 · 2023-11-22T18:47:17+00:00

It’s not your decision. She said she wants a divorce, that’s what is going to happen. The quicker you get through it, the easier it’ll be. You’ll be able to move on.

Secret-Pipe-8233 · 2023-11-22T03:24:55+00:00

I separated and am almost divorced mySTBXW after 23 years of marriage. The marriage had died on the vine but it was her call. She was never going to do the work on the relationship (or herself) so it was the right call. It turned sour after an amicable start.

Some things to consider.

Menopausal woman can become very unstable, so many things happening.
Raising kids in an unhappy marriage (my STBXW experienced this with her parents) is arguably more damaging to the kids than a separation.
I love my two daughters more than anything, if anything my relationship with them is stronger than ever.

My only word of warning is expect choppy, maybe fierce waters. Do get legal advice now, knowledge is not power but lack of it is foolish.

Good luck brother.

Perplexed_pat · 2023-11-21T16:03:32+00:00

Don’t leave! I get it man, you’re going through what will be one of the roughest patches of your life. The pain of divorce is brutal, but it can be an opportunity to grow as an individual. I know it seems corny, but seek out inspiration and knowledge. Read books and listen to positive stories, ignore the negative stories from people who’ve let divorce ruin their lives. You don’t have to let it break you; you’ve raised a family, you do hard shit all the time!

You don’t have to lose everything. There is a mental block with men that make them think they’re going to get a raw deal, don’t believe that shit. I still live in my house and for the first few years had my kids 80% of the time. My ex left and wanted to “find herself” after years of being “oppressed” and “forced” to stay at home with the kids. It’s been almost 6 years and she hasn’t really found herself, but… I’ve become a much better father and have grown exponentially. My salary has doubled, i have all that I need and so do my girls. I’ve healed old wounds, reconnected with friends, and embraced my hobbies. Also my house is a peaceful sanctuary where my kids can relax.

It doesn’t have to be all bad. Shift your focus to you and the kids. Set a date in time that you’ll make the decision with your wife. Maybe ask her if you can shelf the idea for a few months and agree to revisit. In the mean time just focus on you #1 and the kids. Pick up an old hobby, see friends, get a taste of being further away from her. Wish you the best. Stay strong, brother!

Physical-Shame738 · 2023-11-22T07:16:50+00:00

having grown up through divorce - my father was married 3 times to 2 women, I would like to offer you perspective of most likely how all of this is being interpretted by your children in hopes that it will help you make your decision (your youngest is the age I was when my father divorced my mother).

The most important first thing - while you and your spouse may not have directly told or indicated the dissolving state of your marriage, your 4 year old already knows that something not good is happening. May not be able to articulate what it is but knows that something is "off". so if you and your wife are thinking you can stay together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids, do the kids a favor and get divorced. The resentment of staying in a relationship that either one or both of you are faking your way through does incalculable damage...trust me.

Now let's talk practically about legality for a sec...you say she wants a divorce after 21 years due to the influence of her social group...someone should let her know that is not a legal reason for divorce (unless you are agreeing to grant her a No Contest...and I sure as hell wouldn't. Here's why - unless you grant her a No Contest, without a legal reason to petition for divorce, the best she might be able to get through the court would be a judgement for seperation (but she would still be married to you, at least in the short term - it can become a divorce if after an agreed upon amount of time there is no resolution to the seperation). Sorry lady, but you need to hit her or she needs to catch you with your dick in someone or any of the other legal reasons to petition for divorce....marriage is a legal contract. You don't get out of a business contract by going into arbitration and saying you know, my girlfriends think that i should do something else so i want you to terminate this business venture of 21 years....good luck lady.

Now, on the off chance that you are crazy or unstable enough to agree to a no contest divorce, don't you sign anything until terms have been defined, witnessed and notorized. why, in exchange for your largesse in giving her the divorce for no legal reason, you can dictate the terms. You don't want to lose your house? Then don't - she wants out of the marriage, she can get out of the damn house. You like being a father? ok, petition to be the full time parent - she can make visitation arrangements around your schedule and pay child support (yes, it is a reality that women who don't have full time custody can be compelled to have to pony up support for the kids...you just have to know how to present it to the court).

Lastlyu, and this is the hardest part, you should not initiate any legal action of divorce or redress until after you have been served with papers for the divorce. Unless she has violated (and you have solid proof of it) the grounds upon which a marriage contract can be dissolved, the smartest thing you can do is nothing. If she is able to hire a lawyer willing to sue you for divorce having no legal grounds to do so, all the burden of evidentiary support rests upon her. However, if you at the same time, sue her for divorce without a legal reason, the court can enter a joint judgement based on the combatative nature of both parties. And as I said earlier, the only way she gets a divorce without legal standing is for your concession to give her a No Contest Divorce...and yif you go that route, make certain she gets it but on YOUR terms (oh, and i certainly wouldn't agree to alimony...she's single - tell her to get a damn job...your not her ATM once the ink is dry).

Hopefully all of this helps. Wish my father had a brain and the concern for his kids you appear to have...no he divorced my mom, married my stepmom, divorced my step mom...and then for good measure, married my stepmother a second time...why? like i said after the remarriage "because he is obviously as stupid as he looks".

Right now, you hold the cards in this, make sure it falls in your favor and you might lose her, you don't have to lose your kids or your home.

Good luck man....

mhall1201 · 2023-11-21T15:14:32+00:00

The decision to stay or not is probably not yours to make. The faster that you accept that, start repairing that wound, the faster you’ll recover. Another commenter said, “why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?”. That’s a great point. As far as your concerns with her, being another person, you need to come to grips with the fact that there may be. She won’t tell you if there is. Regardless, when she tells you, she wants a divorce, the person you used to know is not there anymore.

As far as the kids goes, I hear many men focusing on “why would she do this to our kids and family?”. While this is valid, it possibly shifts where your focus should be. Assumably, there will be some form of joint custody at the end of this. During your time with the children, your focus should be being the best dad to those kids you can be. Dads are incredibly influential and important in children’s lives. They should not be a party to conversations regarding your feelings about the situation. If they talk about her, listen, and remember that they are children, not private investigators.

I know this group is mainly comprised of guys who are going through terrible divorces. The guys that go through fair divorces generally don’t complain that much. This does not have to be a living hell. Your participation and strategic actions during the process, have a big influence on how the process plays out.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-11-21T15:27:41+00:00

Women don’t leave long term marriages unless they have another man already lined up that they have been with for some time now.

Monkey Branching.

DesertApparels · 2023-11-21T23:04:24+00:00

Islam specifically permits men the allowance of calling for a divorce (triple talaaq), however, a female can ask one from her husband for a divorce (search up what a khula is), and if not granted permission by her husband, then a qadi (Islamic judge) for a legitimate reason. This shows me the wisdom of Islam in marriage laws and divorce laws, clearly outlining the differences in our biology and how a beautiful law like that in Islam could have prevented such a floppy and a one second thought divorce (of course I am fully unaware of your circumstances).

PokerFriend247 · 2023-11-22T01:20:06+00:00

Her EAT pray Love fantasy is just that.

If deadbedroom - outsource and stay Separate rooms if necessary. Agree till youngest X age.

She desires another guy - open relationships but keep unity.

Just think of it like a prison sentence you have to endure.

Why?

As someone who is going to get totally shafted financially and seeing the impact on my youngest education, well being and bonding. My pension obliterated , primarily property based assets.

I would have chosen putting up with my EX BS and just created hobbies and friends, and FWB.

Right now you see children 100% imagine that time cut to 30 - 40% Or less. Alternate Sat/sun

Because ultimately you end up funding her lifestyle and yours at the end of divorce. Childcare and maintenance costs will rip you are new one.

But freedom is good if you can sort out access and not get shafted by biased legal system and scum bag lawyers.

Whatever you decide - tread carefully. Decisions may already out your hands.

A chess game of epic proportions awaits the uninitiated. Know the consequences as best you can.

Liam neeson voice - ‘Good luck’

Title	Need a Different Perspective
Author	Good_Dirt_9914
Upvotes	12
Comments	27
Date	November 21, 2023 11:41 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/180f2at/need_a_different_perspective/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-a-different-perspective.1239003 https://theredarchive.com/post/1239003

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