Overwhelmed by Divorce

Greadle · 2022-08-24T21:49:55+00:00

Mine was almost the same. 10 yrs. Her and my friend (neighbor) fall in love. In my state i was able to make them pay. In every way. It took 3 years to get ok. After 5 years we were all vacationing together and enjoying life again. His kids, my kids, their new kid. Its all good. He did me a favor. And i love to see the look in his eyes. He knows he did not improve his life, he improved mine.

Let me know if i can help

MyIssuesandStuff · 2022-08-24T19:41:54+00:00

Are you in an at fault state? If so get proof of the affair. If not don’t bother unless it speeds the process.

Drink water when you can. Eat when you can even if you have to force yourself.

Don’t drink alcohol or at least not to excess.

Get a therapist you are experiencing grief and trauma.

Try to exercise to keep from sitting around.

Don’t talk to her about anything other than logistics.

Separate your finances. Close joint accounts. If you are direct deposit into a joint account change it to a new one in your name only.

Stop looking at her as the woman you married. She is not.

Get the book Leave a Cheater gain a life

Lean on family and friends. Tell them what she’s done so she can’t blameshift. Also you will not want your social and family circle to believe whatever she’s saying.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2022-08-24T19:48:06+00:00

You’re not alone. My now ex wife of 27 years left me for a childhood friend I grew up with. The anger and bitterness can be consuming. Definitely get into therapy asap, it has really helped me accept her for who she really is. I also discovered she’d had other affairs over our almost 30 year marriage. It’s devastating and you will need help.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-08-24T21:51:36+00:00

This past week has been more than I can handle after finding out that my wife is cheating on me with one of my best friends...

Jesus, man. That's gotta hurt like a mother-fucker. I would ask how you're holding up, but it looks like not all that well. That would be difficult for any man to deal with.

All I can say is I promise that these feelings DO fade. Your mental fortitude is being tested now like never before and you have a right to feel like everything is falling apart. It only feels like it's going to be like this forever; it's not. You'll look back in a few years when you're with someone else and living it up and this will all be a distant memory. I was there not long ago and now I'm happier than I've ever been.

For now, start journaling, get it all out on paper, start exercising, don't start drinking or doing drugs, and find a good therapist and a better lawyer. No marriage is perfect, but you didn't deserve that. That man was never your friend and your wife is a two-timing slut. There are better women and friends out there to be had.

Spiritual-Educator-7 · 2022-08-24T21:03:22+00:00

I don’t know if you have this option, but consider taking some time off from work. I wish I had done that. Don’t rush, just take it one step at a time.

AStirlingMacDonald · 2022-08-25T01:03:04+00:00

I had the same thing happen, one of my closest friends, and we had three kids. I stayed and tried to reconcile for 4.5 years before walking in on her with another one of my (then)closest friends. Believe me, you are absolutely making the right choice to leave now, and not waste another few years before getting stabbed in the back again.

ad74b2wl · 2022-08-24T22:49:00+00:00

Separate joint bank accounts ASAP ASAP ASAP. Don't rob her, but take what's your's. There are plenty of stories on this board of husbands opening their bank account during a split and finding not only her share gone, but their's too.

JD-Anderson · 2022-08-25T02:59:03+00:00

I was where you’re at about 10 years ago. I lost so much weight, and I thought I wouldn’t make it out alive. But once the dust started settling, I started to gain weight again (too much at one point per my DR), and started seeing my marriage and ex the way it really was and not what I made it out to be.

I can say clearly I have had better memories and an overall much better time these last 10 years then during the whole marriage.

johnnybozzz · 2022-08-25T06:36:08+00:00

There is a lot of free advice in here, some good, some not so much. I will give you this… “this too shall pass”

Of all of this advise, make a list. The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. You’re stunned, shocked, in denial… it’s coming at you from all directions and you don’t know where to turn.

Sit down, close your eyes and breath. Start with a simple step, then another, then another. All moving forward, towards a goal of recovery and rebuilding.

To the guy who tells you to punch your former friend in the face… I would say visualize your visits with your child through bars.

To the guy that says blame this and fight that, remember you have to be in a relationship with this woman as a co-parent until your child moves on as an adult.

Your checklist is your own but the vindication you seek comes from the road you travel. The high road is the the one your children may not understand at first but will always understand later in life. When they deliver you grandchildren, whose house are they bringing them too at Christmas? Focus everything on your kids, let them judge you on your deeds. They will do the same to their mother ;) This is a long game my friend…

Rocky quote, “nothing hits you as hard as life… it’s doesn’t matter how hard you hit back, it’s about much you can take and keep fighting, how much you can suffer and keep moving forward, that’s how winning is done”

Take your first step, rebuild yourself!

SirDon22 · 2022-08-24T20:11:00+00:00

Think about your wellbeing first of all! It's tough but you only have one life, take care of yourself! It feels now like everything is falling apart, but it will get better with time. Even 10 year marriage is just a short episode in your life, people live to 100 nowadays lol you will rebuild your life

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-08-24T21:29:51+00:00

> any wisdom, tips, or ideas to help move on

Treat it as a business transaction, because that's what it is.

warrior_up · 2022-08-24T22:55:08+00:00

Cheese and rice man, dude needs to knuckle up for some shit like that. If you’re not gonna beat his ass than I’d advise you keep the emotional stuff to yourself so you save some self respect

Get away and distance yourself asap. This is a tough one, and I’m truly sorry you’re facing such betrayal and distrust in someone that was suppose to be your ride or die.

This will have an impact on you, get angry and turn it into something great. type of people, that can look into mirror after stealing a man’s life away from him are not people that have a happy ending. They’re sick. Fucking pathetic

You will. Toughen up. Hang in there and keep reading. Fuck all the advise about what to do and what not to do - do whatever you gotta do to get yourself through the next three months, as fast as possible. When you start breathing again then worry about best practices. Even if you have to sacrifice some time away from your girl to get your emotions in check and get your mind right, do it. She’ll understand when she gets older fuck everyone, fuck everyone’s advice - get yourself well

Hurricane1323 · 2022-08-25T18:06:15+00:00

My heart really goes out to you. I have a 6 year old little girl with a woman (STBX) who basically just ghosted on the marriage, she did the bare minimum in terms of making it look like she tried but she had decided well before we started therapy that she wanted out, I think.

In any case, I can only imagine how hard that is, and those first few nights and weeks are very painful, so I would give this advice:

-Be aware of how something that awful can make you feel negatively about yourself, and actively try to combat that negative self talk and remember it is your STBX and 'friend' who are to blame, and there are probably some psychological wounds from childhood that informed their justification of their behavior.

-You'll get strength from your daughter, I know I do, be mindful of the time you have with her and sit in wonder at how amazing that is so that you don't regret missing anything! Let her love in and give her love and the gift of yr fatherhood.

-If you can, try not to drink too much, or self medicate with substances too much.

-lift weights, burn your anxiety and anger and heartbreak out of your system on a daily basis with exercise - it was and is indispensable to me.

-Get a good therapist, pref a man, who will help you navigate this. One who knows about men's issues

-Ask for help, don't be afraid to lean on people, and try to be around people in some capacity.

Good luck, brother, it's awful, and im sure that level of betrayal is tough to bear so go easy on yourself, and let people help. And bask in the glow of your daughter. That kind of love is like nothing else on the planet.

iaag82 · 2022-08-25T19:46:04+00:00

I’m sorry brother. This is all too common. Please remember that your interests are no longer the same. Don’t fight to get her back. Let her go

Repulsive-Fall1019 · 2022-08-25T22:30:09+00:00

Hmm that’s a hard one. Those are very different and bad forms of betrayal that speak about the character of the person who did it. Im gunna be honest with you and ur not gunna like it. That will never change and the damage is done. U should of been seeking legal council but whatever. That woman is not your friend and neither is your friend. Take it with a grain of salt. Learn ur lesson and don’t bring ur girl around any of your boys. And don’t ever try to take someone who disrespects you like that, for anything more than the behavior they exhibit. A 10 year marriage can either be bliss or hell, mine was 4 years of an even mix of both as mine is carrying along in the beginning stage currently. A woman like that will never respect you. And you trying to make sense of somebody else’s poor choices. Is only gunna age you. And when u look back on ur life ur gunna be like wtf. Im only 28 and I see the current state not looking good in my future. My wife is a lovely woman decent soul, imperfect like the rest of us but unfortunately she is also a woman whom while not unfaithful, is also not looking at the big picture. So I pulled the trigger. very diff people. Forgive your wife and go find happiness my friend

georeddit2018 · 2022-08-24T19:34:54+00:00

A so sorry. You need to find a close friend, family member or therapist to vent to during this difficult process.

Freefaller6 · 2022-08-25T02:40:04+00:00

Dont try to rationalize the irrational. It happened, your marriage is over, move on. You’ll mind fuck yourself if you can’t just accept that. Life’s short, hit the reset button and get on with it. Find some new pussy immediately, and you’ll see there is life after death. It was better for me than drinking. Oh, don’t drink-it will make it worse. I can say I was devastated at first and after a year since filing, I am still not divorced, but I am happy again.

HorrorAd1946 · 2022-08-24T23:38:33+00:00

Others have said well enough so far. Some men are able to look past this and still try to settle things out instead of divorce, I could never do that myself. Once she has violated herself, I could never go back. I can only offer my sympathy and pray God bring healing to your soul. Divorce is hard enough, let alone having to deal with this. And just a side note, they won't last, it will pass and both will realize what they did, not that is much consolation. Use this site as needed to continue to get support, tips, etc..

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-08-25T11:35:18+00:00

Most humans are untrustworthy pieces of garbage. Be more selective of who you trust and always verify that their words and actions line up. There aren't many truly genuine people but when you find one don't let them go.

WartimeDad · 2022-08-25T13:59:00+00:00

Super hard man. Really sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t your fault. Go easy on yourself.

Exercise hard. Meditate. Get therapy. Hobbies. Friends. Reach out on here when you need it. Stay strong and keep your head up.

You deserve better and I promise in a couple years you will be in a much better place and on a track to be happier than you’ve ever been.

dat3percent · 2022-08-25T16:11:28+00:00

I’m sorry for ur pain. Grieve ur marriage and wife. Don’t suppress ur emotions.

Time heals all wounds. Ex’s who cheat never prosper. They’ll Always end up being a cheater. Blessings 🤍🤍🤍

Warm-Magazine-8260 · 2022-08-25T17:08:56+00:00

I was married 14 years. I have a 8yo boy and a 14yo girl. Me and my STBXW were best friends for the first 10-11 years of our marriage. I let most of my friends go and entwined myself into her family. Not speaking to family much. We married in our 30's this was my 2nd marriage and I really believed i had it right. I put all I coild into being a good provider. She was a stay at home mom, took care of the kids, the house, helped me with my businesses, but never committed to them. Our sex life was great all the way till the end. We partied usually of Friday nights, coke...about 5 years ago she started using oxycodone when we place an order. We moved into our dream home 4 years ago and she admitted that she was now using daily for 2 years. For the next 3 years i saw her go to a 500/wk havit. I worked alot and she started texting the drug dealer. I found deleted inappropriate texts from him. We had 3 major blowups because i was not confortable with the "text" relationship. Night before the TRO was put on me, she told me this guy was stalking her. I asked her if she wanted my help. Obviously she said she can handle it. 3 weeks after we separated she started a relationship with this guy. Fast forward 3 months he and his mother are now living in my house with my kids. I just filed for divorce last month. She is a complete addict, but is functional and is great at hiding it from her family. I approached them for intervention, but she made me out to be an abusive husband to them. I am far from perfect, but never physically harmed my stbxw in anyway. Her family opted to not get involved. Had my first court date yesterday for emergency motion to drug test, judge heard us, visually could see wife was having problems (Zoom hearing). They give us a court date sept 22???? No drug testing. Appointed guardian at litem...I know she cheated, i know she is an addict, when i see her its not the same person i have know for 22 years. I watched her fall apart over a 3 year period. I told her every step of the way how it changed her thinking, to the last thing to go is your morals. Well she lost her morals, she moved AP and his motger in with my kids. Her family won't help, courts wont help. Why should i fight and throw mote money at attorneys. She wants to settle. She is out of money.... I know i made mistakes, could of been more attentive to her feelings. Bottom line she was in a year relationship with her drug dealer and i tried everything to stop it. I just cant get over this (been 9 mo) . I feel i should just make agreement to sell house, pay debt, split the rest and give her custody. She is not a bad mother just a drug addict. I cant sleep. I think about it all day. Court yesterday was crushing to me... All i can say is when i do see her to get kids every other weekend i know why i ledt and gave her satisfaction of a TRO which has since been lifted. She a drug addict cheat. Why cant i let this go? Let her go? Im hoping that once they are out of our house i can begin to heal...just my story

miltntmac · 2022-08-27T22:37:19+00:00

Following for advice. In the same situation

captainchippsixx · 2022-08-29T01:16:54+00:00

This is only what you know. Time to divorce and let her cheat on this guy. But he will dump her soon after because he doesn’t have to do the heavy lifting right now. He will realize she is a cheater and go what was i thinking.
You should broadcast what happened to your family, her family, this guys family. That’s exactly what they don’t want. Time to pay the piper.

Your child is young. It’s sad I know but you can make it work. Tough sledding. A little payback is nice.

Title	Overwhelmed by Divorce
Author	Newt_5884
Upvotes	26
Comments	40
Date	August 24, 2022 7:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/wws72p/overwhelmed_by_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/overwhelmed-by-divorce.1129498 https://theredarchive.com/post/1129498

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