She moved out, and I am devastated

HelixFish · 2022-08-12T13:58:08+00:00

You’re not a failure man, and things will change. This is just the start of a new journey in a new direction. Change is fucking hard. You didn’t stop being strong because you got divorced. Take time for yourself and do the things that will keep you strong, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Eat healthy. See a therapist. Find a group of guys. Where are you located? You can do this and you will do this. For yourself and for your kids.

gtivr4 · 2022-08-12T14:08:17+00:00

I can definitely relate. Divorce is a huge shift. This weekend is my first proper weekend alone without moving chaos. I have a huge list of things I want to do and yet I have no clue what to do all weekend. It’s going to be a long process of resetting big parts of my life.

jalopkoala · 2022-08-12T15:11:55+00:00

5-6 years out myself.

The first couple of years for me were darker and more depressing than my failing marriage. Depression hole on the couch any time I didn’t have the kid with me.

The most recent two years are brighter and more fulfilling than 99% of my marriage. And the other 1% was just naïveté and being high on young love.

You’ll get there. It won’t be easy and, unfortunately, the most important ingredient is time. Which we have no control over.

You got this.

Physical-Pie748 · 2022-08-12T17:52:48+00:00

you dont need love validation from women and relationships, you need to love yourself , there is no better half of you, you are the whole package alone.

women shouldnt be the focus of your life, they should only be a part of your life. focus on yourself, not on women. you can have relationships with them, but never focus on women. you are the most important person in your life. so put 95% of your energy into yourself, and not into other women.

LiberateMeFromYou · 2022-08-12T14:17:22+00:00

I feel you bro, it's just the beginning of a new journey. It's a going to take time for the adjustment, but during this time work on yourself. Join a local club in your favorite activity, join the gym and it's ok to go places by yourself. Focus on making yourself better and being a good Father. Everything else will fall into place

mrk177 · 2022-08-12T16:39:54+00:00

You sound like me a year ago. I was good with everything, we got along very well. I kept the house as well, she stayed two months after we were officially divorced because of the housing market and finding a house at that time was rough. But when she moved it hit me hard, I felt utterly depressed, I started drinking. I took all her pictures down because I couldn’t bare to look at her. When we spoke about the kids that was hard too.

I finally came to the realization was just to embrace the pain. It’s the only way to move forward. I did a lot of writing, started focusing on myself improvement and hobbies. With the house I’ve customized exactly the way I want it. It doesn’t even look like the same house anymore, I made it a place for me and my daughters.

I know the friend thing is hard we had mostly mutual friends. They preferred her over me which is fine she is the social butterfly and I’m just not that person. If you need someone to talk to, reach out. I was lucky enough to meet some really awesome people on this subreddit that checked in and helped me through it. If I can pay it forward hey everyone wins.

Good luck man. Focus on you and your 4 year old.

Psychological-Net-62 · 2022-08-12T17:19:58+00:00

Dude... I feel you.

Married for 15 years here and two kids (15 year old Son and 11 year old Daughter)...

My wife told me last week that I was emotionally unavailable during the marriage. This resulted in her losing love over the years and now she has no feelings for me at all.

(I was a Police Officer for 12 years, ended up making Sergeant and put most of my time into my career and supporting my family)

She is dead set on the notion that she wants to move out and insists there is no way forward other than divorce.

The family home was a gift and is still in my parents name so she has no claim to it.

She will take possession of my Jeep which I will pay off in a few months so she can drive the kids...

She can also have the furniture in the house and 3 of the 4 TVs...

I am keeping my Ebike, cookware, smoker, grill, 1 TV and anything that belonged to me before we were married. I can replace nearly everything else as time goes on.

I've already had the moment of looking at the house and breaking down because was OUR home but you need to move forward bro... just keep moving forward.

Sitting and reliving this nonsense is unhealthy at best.

CharlestonChewbacca · 2022-08-12T20:42:17+00:00

I can relate. It's not final yet, but my life flipped upside down this last year.

After about 9 months of COVID, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I was content, but my body wasn't regulating my brain chemicals properly and I felt lethargic all the time.

Then, during COVID all of my friends in this town moved. I've been wanting to move anyway, and we were starting to save for it, so even after quarantine ended, I was putting off joining groups and activities and making new friends until we moved and I could kind of start over. (Though I have friends and family in the city we were planning to move to).

Well, last year my mom cheated on my dad, so they separated and my dad (the sole income) had to move into an apartment, and take full custody of my extremely high maintenance special needs sister, while working an incredibly stressful job and still paying for my mom's crap.

I didn't handle my parents' separation well. I didn't talk to my mom until last month, which was almost a year since I last talked to her. My little sister REALLY didn't handle it well. Her health and mental state rapidly declined to the point we can't really take her out in public anymore without being extremely careful. She's had to be in the ER a lot too.

A few months before my parents' separated, my grandma (the grandparent I was closest to) came down with stomach cancer. I've visited her many times over the last year, and about 4 of those times were to "have my last conversation with her" because she didn't look like she was going to make it.

I hated my job, because all of my friends left during COVID and the company didn't do anything to build community back up after quarantine, and it just felt dead and unwelcoming. I felt like a cog in the machine. This sapped all the energy from me that I needed in order to finish my Masters degree. I felt like giving up on school because I was stressed and overwhelmed. So, with the encouragement of my wife, I took some time off school and pursued a new job. Got a new job, fully remote, that I love and started in April.

So then, last month, my wife tells me she wants to separate. I won't go into details, but basically we "grew apart." Later that week, my grandma passed away. The next day I go up to be with family. My wife asks me to come back to talk about our future. So I go back home. This is when she tells me she wants a divorce. Less than 24 hours after my grandma died. (My first grandparent who has passed)

Needless to say, I felt pretty empty for a while. She's been staying with a friend since she told me she wanted a divorce.

Our divorce is close to finalizing. I've been looking at houses, and my cousin is going to come live with me. My wife and I just need to sell our house first. So, I've been packing up all my stuff this week so we can put the house on the market.

Everything I pack is full of memories. 11 years together. My family has fallen apart. With my grandma gone, my other side of the family split up because of my hateful, racist grandpa, my parents split up, and my sister not being herself anymore. But it was okay, because I still had the love of my life, an amazing dog, and a house I felt happy and comfortable in. Plus, her family has been more like family to me over the past 6 years than my own family. Now that's all gone. I feel like it's just me and my dad against the world right now. At least I still have one really good friend who is close and will always be there for me. But all my other friends who are still here are just a step above acquaintances.

I regret that I haven't been able to recognize what she needed and give it to her. I will probably feel that forever. But I'm trying to be charitable to myself because I had so much going on. Nothing I did was for myself. I was working hard, to make good money to set up a great future for our life. I was trying to support my family through hard times. But I didn't prioritize her when I needed to.

I wish I could go back and tell myself that everything else will work itself out. That the thing I had control over was the thing I had going at home. That I should focus on that and invest emotionally in my relationship, rather than just dumping time into ensuring our finances and spending the rest of my energy elsewhere.

She didn't feel loved, and I wish there was a way that I could let her know how much love I feel for her. I wish I had someone else who knew me like she did. My mom, my sister, my grandma, my dad, and my best friend are the only people who even come close, and I've effectively lost 3 of them in the past year.

If I had another chance, I'd do everything with her. I'd never leave her side. I'd find a less stressful job and be happy with what I have at home. I'd spend time planning adventures and experience for us to continue making memories.

But I know it's too late and I know those are just wishes and I need to move on. I tried downloading a dating app, but I literally can't even find anyone else attractive right now. With every photo I pack away, I feel like I'm locking away another part of my past that I'll never get back. Every souvenir, trinket, or board game I pack away feels like I'm acknowledging that those memories are just mine, and not ones I get to share with someone anymore.

Everything I've done for 11 years was to build our life and our future, and I don't even know who I am without that. And I don't have anything stable to fall back on because everything else in my life changed around the same time.

So yes, I can relate. I feel like a failure. It's hard for me to find motivation to work anymore. To do anything for myself, because even when I would try to be better (health, study, etc) it was always to be a better person for her.

You're not alone. And while I have a lot of trouble taking my own advice, I want to tell you something. This is an opportunity for us. An opportunity to find out who we want to be and become that person. It may not feel like it now (it certainly doesn't for me) but we will find love again, and this opportunity gives us the chance to pick up something new.

I plan on getting a mountain bike and a kayak once I'm settled and picking up some new healthy hobbies. I will finally have time to get better at woodworking. And I haven't decided which I want to do yet, but I'm thinking about either getting my pilot's license or taking piano lessons.

We'll be okay. We'll probably always have regrets. There will probably always be a place in our heart reserved for our exes. But we can't change the past, we can only look forward and set ourselves up for the best future we can.

I don't know you OP, but as someone who shares this trauma with you, I love you and I want to see you get better. If nothing else, because it will show me I can do the same. You're not alone. I'm in this with you and so are many people here. We will get through this because, well, there aren't any better options.

Ok-Scallion-2508 · 2022-08-12T18:03:43+00:00

Im a gay man, I always “train” my straight brothers who married and have happy families that Who is the most important person to you? It is YOU, YOURSELF, not your wife, not your son, not your daughter , it is YOURSELF. It is NOT selfish or something like that when you are SELF FOCUS person! That means when shit might happen, you r gonna be fine, not sink into the black hole.

upvotersfortruth · 2022-08-12T15:06:02+00:00

You’ve done right by your family. Have no doubt.

pissed_off_elbonian · 2022-08-12T19:01:59+00:00

I get shit for not having friends while working… or not making enough money…

Not gonna lie, part of me is looking forward to the future solitude.

whatskeeping · 2022-08-12T15:18:56+00:00

I can relate too but it gets better. Learn how to forgive her and still be friends. You have a chance to succeed, your not a failure. Give it some time then pick yourself up and kick some ass out there. Btw it took me 2 1/2 years to feel normal again.

Weedwillmakemerich · 2022-08-12T16:50:06+00:00

I can relate. I sacrificed everything for my wife and daughter. I thought giving them the life I never had would be enough. It wasn't. I been out about 4 months. Was very fortunate to end up the way I have. Been dating successfully, but I find myself wishing the other women where her. Your not alone....just work on yourself. I hit the gym 4 times a week and stay busy to try to pass the time. I hope some day I won't look at it like that, I hope the same for you.

Gattsama · 2022-08-12T23:27:37+00:00

Hey sorry you are going through this. I'm in the middle of divorce, no kids. You need to start working on rebuilding yourself. You want to be physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit.

Start with physically fit. You don't have to join a gym. You can walk, run or hike. Do calisthenics. Jump rope. Get some free weights and a bench (costco or Amazon).

I suggest finding an active that is male focused. Ex BJJ, judo, running club etc. This does a few things. You get the exercise, but you can also start to make new friendships. With time you'll find the other single Dad's with kids and divorced guys, lean into and on them.

Pick up an old hobby or start at new one. Don't know you work schedule, time or money. But anything that you enjoy and has lots of depth & breath.

Exercise is equal too or better than SSRIs (anti-depressants) but you have to be scheduled about it. Not just when you feel like it, but even when you don't. Ignore your feelings and do the physical activity, it will help and stabilize/improve your mood.

Be safe out there

DivorceCoachMarcin · 2022-08-13T13:42:18+00:00

I went through a divorce 3 years ago and I have been in the same situation. I did not know where to even start my whole life shattered into pieces I missed my kids. I was living paycheck to paycheck I had to move back to my parents house, I couldn’t afford mortgage or rent I was in a very dark place I hit the rock bottom I couldn’t live like this I couldn’t function I was so overwhelmed with negative emotions and negative self talk. Couple months after the divorce I was so sick and tired sitting on the couch watching tv and wasting my life I made a decision, spent all my savings and hired me a mindset coach best decision I made in 6 months the coach helped me turn my life around. I have accomplished more in 3 years than I have in 15 years when I was with my x. Now gents I’m on a mission.

I’m a Certified Divorce Recovery Coach helping men and women recover and rebuild after divorce.

I’m passionate with helping women and men go from feeling lost, broken, not good enough, lack of self-confidence, no purpose in life to starting the next chapter of your life feeling vibrant, powerful and confident that you won’t repeat mistakes of the past.

If you want to:

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Theedon · 2022-08-12T16:29:53+00:00

Sign up for a group event that you like. Make it a goal to introduce yourself to everyone there. If you don't find a friend there find another group or Hobbie. The goal is to get out there and fill the void she created with quality time. Not drunken depressed, pour me time. It is going to help the healing process start.

You will need to forget about the EX. There is a new person in her place and it is not someone that wants you in their life.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-08-12T17:07:03+00:00

Congrats and welcome to the club!

You will be fine. Focus on yourself by working out DAILY and focus on your job.

Lots of men on this sub have met their other partners and have succeeded financially. Just stay focused and remember that 2nd marriages have higher rates of divorce (60%) and most divorces are initiated by women (80%).

Grousers · 2022-08-12T17:27:21+00:00

Take small bites at a time. Focus on you. Putting one foot in front of the other

Wassp868 · 2022-08-13T02:12:45+00:00

That last paragraph is what men are expected to do but then are taken for granted by the very women we do it for.

It will be okay my friend, the loneliness will come and go. i've found things to do that take up my time and better me. A lot of women out there are toxic feminist, so be careful who you let in your life.

RxRobb · 2022-08-13T06:31:55+00:00

At least you have a house

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-08-13T13:26:12+00:00

Never make someone else your priority. You should be your priority.

Title	She moved out, and I am devastated
Author	Falafelluvr1976
Upvotes	42
Comments	30
Date	August 12, 2022 1:43 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/wmlmf3/she_moved_out_and_i_am_devastated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/she-moved-out-and-i-am-devastated.1127600 https://theredarchive.com/post/1127600

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