I hate her, how can I forgive?

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-15T19:01:23+00:00

> What did you to to forgive?

I forgave myself.

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Sometimes you have to give up on her. Not because you don’t care, but because she doesn’t.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-05-15T17:32:04+00:00

Here’s my thought: “forgive and forget” is terrible advice. Do neither. Find a way to deal with the anger and move past it.

akihonj · 2022-05-15T17:38:47+00:00

It's down to choices, when you choose to stop giving a fuck you'll stop hating, that takes time.

When I caught my wife cheating it took me a long time but eventually I said to myself, she chose to do that, she chose to burn it to the ground not me. When somebody makes that choice I can choose how I deal with it, she chose to do that and I chose to stop giving a fuck about her.

At that point I stopped hating her, it's really really hard to hate somebody you don't give a shit about.

Eedoryeong · 2022-05-15T16:20:59+00:00

I chose to let myself see that forgiveness is a selfish act that has nothing to do with the forgiven person. It is an act of removing power from the other person over decisions in my life. It is not sitting down to tea with one's oppressor. It is a gift of serenity you give yourself. You can still keep the lessons moving forward. But you do move forward.

Also, remembering everybody is always free, all the time (not to commit crimes of course) helped.

James1933-75 · 2022-05-15T18:18:35+00:00

OP, you are confusing forgiving with forgetting.

HelixFish · 2022-05-15T17:03:16+00:00

I just let it go. She is controlled by her fucked up brain and it has nothing to do with me or even her. It doesn’t help to get mad. I think she is to stupid to forgive and I don’t let it get to me enough to make any of her fuck ups forgiveness worthy. Fuck her.

Bipolar_investor · 2022-05-15T17:35:44+00:00

How can you forgive someone that you never got involved with...

The one you knew is dead, or worse... Never existed outside of your head...

The one you're dealing with now, is the mother of your child...

The one that never changed is your ass, either love it or hate it... But i suggest you take care of making it better day after day and caring for yourself as if it was somebody else.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2022-05-15T21:27:03+00:00

Job 1 is your kid. You have filed, but this is a long, long journey you have ahead of you.

You are nowhere near ready to even start thinking of a new relationship.

mfolivas · 2022-05-15T16:25:26+00:00

before you forgive her, have you forgiven yourself? I tried 2 years trying to fix the fuck up that my wife did (she had a year and a half affair) and even after that she was still madly in love with the AP. I had to forgive myself for a lot of stuff and more importantly, know that this has nothing to do with you but about how empty/unhealthy she is
anger is normal (there was a time that I couldn't even hear my wife's voice) but it's a secondary emotion, why is it that you can't let go of that? Once you get the root cause of that, then you can start doing the work to heal
what I've learned is that time doesn't heal everything bro, doing the work/action is what will heal you brother...you need to do that
work with a MALE therapist or better yet with a group of men that have gone through this
you sound a lot like someone with PTSD, have you tried EMDR?

TheRealDrWan · 2022-05-15T18:41:40+00:00

If you’re divorcing, all of the expectations of married life are gone. Any of the “why doesn’t she…” do x, y, z? Are over.

You are both independent adults. Treat her as such. No need to bend over backward for her, but treat her with the respect you’d treat any other person you’d meet.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-05-16T01:59:02+00:00

So I was falsely accused of rape and was criminally charged once I found out she was cheating on me and wanted to divorce. That one false accusation was enough for me to go from being a primary parent to not seeing my children for a year. I've been fighting for 3 years and it may seem like I may get every other weekend.

How did I forgive? I couldn't until a friend said, "If it was easy, everyone would be doing it". I also realized the reason I wasn't able to forgive was my ego. "She doesn't deserve to be forgiven". But I know if I were to survive the HELL she put me through, I had to work on my ego.

So everyday (and I continue to this day), I forgive her. It's not enough to say it, it has to come from the heart. It's still hard for me to forgive, but I try every day. Not to get too religious, but reading the Bible, where He was nailed to the cross and asked the Father to forgive his murderers, may help put your hurt in context.

It's not easy brother, but you're doing it to survive. Hate will eat you up from the inside. Forgiving will free your soul. You're doing it for you, not her.

Gattsama · 2022-05-16T07:12:20+00:00

Forgive might be the wrong approach. Consider, acceptance. The goal is to move to indifference. Hate is a powerful emotion and just as committed as love.

First, work to accept that she did NOT destroy anything and that she did not lose her love. She is what she is and whom she is. She is not under your control. The only two things you can control are your feelings and thoughts. It is not the event itself that upsets a man, but his view of it. Try to step back and find a path towards: she is what she is, I see and accept that. No other outcome could occur and I can not control what did. Like a rapid dog that bites you or a child that cries. This is her nature.

Second, with indifference as the goal, ask how much power do you want her to have over your life going forward. Then accept that the only person that can give her power is you. Hating her is giving her power going forward, like you said messing up possible future relationships. It's not about forgetting the past or being delusional. It's about accepting only you control your thoughts and feelings; and releasing everything else.

The rage you feel is normal and natural. Also look at your own errors and issues. This is NOT a blame game, work on fixing anything that is not as it should be with yourself. If you focus on making sure you are: physically fit, mentally fit, financially fit and emotionally fit; you'll find that anger tends to decrease on its own. Because really an internal issue, not an external one.

I'm still working though my own BS, but if you focus inward most of the externals you just stop caring about... and that's the real goal. To just not carer anymore. Not able to lost marriage or the BS, but about her. She becomes just another person walking the planet.

Good luck out there...

2022-05-15T21:00:03+00:00

You forgive when you realize that the situation she has created for herself is constant hell and that nothing she does can undo the past. She’s suffering enough, so forgive her and move on.

CantCopeAnymore24 · 2022-05-15T21:02:40+00:00

Let it run its course, but make sure you're moving in the right direction.

You aren't alone with what happened. It really sucks when you think you found a good marriage for your children and it falls apart. Whatever the reason, it hurts the most for your children knowing the life you had planned for them.

Some times we are forced to rebuild our lives. I can tell you first hand that you can be an even better parent by yourself. I know what it's like walking on eggshells, and that can be severely limiting on what you can do as a father.

As far as yourself, heartbreak and betrayal are understandable feelings. You have every right to feel what you're feeling. Do what you need to, to keep processing things. Try not to ruminate and fester, but if that happens, do your best to come out of it. It may take time, but you have time.

Best of luck and stay strong.

CropCircle77 · 2022-05-15T22:55:52+00:00

Hatred makes you suffer. You don't have to forgive. Just try and grow out of it. The perfect life never existed.

thefudmaster · 2022-05-16T04:27:33+00:00

Make sure your hate turns to indifference. Life is far better outside of marriage.

perilousp69 · 2022-05-20T12:38:57+00:00

I plan to carry my hate long into the future.

What my soon-ex is doing now to the kid is unconscionable. Sometimes the meanings of words match. There's no hyperbole. Society might not like it, but you have experienced A and felt B. I B = hate, we have reasons and those reasons should matter.

Some people deserve hate. They have earned it. Grace is a two-way street. In a lot of areas of our lives, we should probably take a better look at what we're forgiving people for. Some people are unworthy. We let it go on and on.

I'm not saying I know your situation enough to calibrate your hate, but we shouldn't be afraid to use the words that match our feeling.

FriendswithPoodles · 2022-05-15T17:19:55+00:00

Realizing that hating someone affects only you. The other person couldn’t care less. Don’t give her that kind of power over you.

sicrm · 2022-05-15T16:16:42+00:00

forgive to help yourself.

walking around with hatred isn’t going to help you or your kid. but that doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with her.

having an outlet to keep your head clear can help if you don’t have one already (going to the gym, picking up a hobby, joining a fighting club or class for something you want to learn) can help as well.

if you go with the fighting club, tell the trainer a little about what you’re going through. then get work out until you can’t anymore. then pick a day to do it over again.

crunx22 · 2022-05-15T20:19:34+00:00

Find a healthy outlet and move on. Otherwise it will consume you and destroy you.

PriestofSodom22 · 2022-05-15T23:34:13+00:00

I didn't forgive, just over the course of three years and living life, it got less and less until I rarely if at all think about it or her.

derelictherds · 2022-05-16T16:37:29+00:00

The divorce hasn't been finalized yet you're worrying about not being able to "open up" for a new relationship? Focus on not getting screwed over in the divorce.

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-17T02:56:54+00:00

You don't have to forgive her. Just get what you can for you and the kid and move on. Let the hate motivate you but never let it make you angry in the course of the divorce, because then you lose.

Gattsama · 2022-05-17T06:10:23+00:00

https://youtu.be/6S2rL7qdUnY

It's only 1min long, Butters explains how he is able to forgive his grandmother

upfnothing · 2022-05-19T06:03:48+00:00

Don’t forgive her. Forget her like the tree you pass to work and not notice.

Crazy-Championship-4 · 2022-05-20T02:12:19+00:00

You can’t bro.

Title	I hate her, how can I forgive?
Author	Falafelluvr1976
Upvotes	31
Comments	33
Date	May 15, 2022 4:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/uq9axl/i_hate_her_how_can_i_forgive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-hate-her-how-can-i-forgive.1209890 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209890

Comments