STBX sending mixed signals

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2023-12-06T21:42:52+00:00

She is just scared and doesn't want to feel like she's going to regret this. Don't let her keep you in her pocket as a backup. If you're not her first choice, why would you want her?

SkeptiCynical · 2023-12-06T22:09:44+00:00

If the decree is signed, you're done. She's having remorse.

We don't know all the details that brought you to this point, but your relationship is over. No-contact is the best way to end the confusion and move on with your life.

Edit: reading your post history, this makes sense. It looks like you're dating someone else. She's trying to preserve her claim on you. Don't fall for it. The relationship failed for reasons. Don't go back.

captainchippsixx · 2023-12-07T00:29:26+00:00

Dude. Yes there is always a motive.
Yep either backup plan because she has or is getting pumped and dumped. Or she is in a bind and setting you up for an ask- $$$, etc.

Going forward stop answering the phone and stop responding to texts right away. Wait till the next day. And say was busy, had plans last night, forgot. Whatever. Start being a Chad. You need to work on yourself man.

Hit the gym and eat right. Kick aZz at work.

questionoffitness · 2023-12-06T22:19:23+00:00

There were legit reason for the divorce, that she initiated, in the first place. Issues in your marriage that were never resolved, and she had had enough. Maybe she had an affair, or was emotionally cheating, or any of a number of reasons. Now that things are becoming a reality and getting close to being final, she is having second thoughts, or her side guy relationship has fallen through and cant stand the thought of being alone, so she trying to get her claws back into you. This might sound jaded, but this totally looks like manipulation on her part. Her scrambling to get you back any way she can, because her exit plan A has failed already. Playing the emotion card by calling you and gushing out her emotions, wanting to talk and share things and reconnect and hang out... oh, remember all the good times we had, all the laughs and fun.. etc. its all a sham.. its all a tactic to get you back into her life.

Don't fall for it. period. The reasons she wanted a divorce, I'm assuming, have never been addressed or fix or resolved, and will likely come crawling back in short order. She is not your problem any more. She left you.... She ended things. She is not your responsibility any longer. You are NOT her shoulder to cry on. You might be emotional and confused, but that's exactly what she wants, because it makes you vulnerable to her persuasion. Don't fall for any of it.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-12-06T22:33:40+00:00

Her plan A is not working out, so she is back to plan B (you). Don't fall for it. She knows you'll take her back in an instant. Have some respect for yourself. You deserve better than someone who leaves you out like garbage.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-12-06T22:31:23+00:00

Sounds like you’re plan B

bungleweed · 2023-12-06T22:40:12+00:00

Agree sounds like you’re Plan B and she’s just making sure you’re still there for her if she decides she wants you again.

Now, do you have kids? If not then why are you still communicating like this with a woman that initiated divorce? I know it’s harsh and you still care about her but what’s best for you is to minimise contact if you don’t have children. Be selfish here; you didn’t initiate this and she could have stopped things before it got to this stage, or even worked on things with you before asking for divorce!? Maybe in time eventually friends could be a thing but tbh not sure why you’d bother really by then.

Let’s say you reconcile before it’s all finally said and done. Chances are you’ll be keeping one eye open constantly wondering is she’s still committed really or cheating on you etc. That’s no way to live really dude. The hard but right choice is to move on and no contact if you can do that or minimal grey rock and child focussed contact if you have kids is the way.

meltdownthetown · 2023-12-06T23:14:16+00:00

You mention " it is hard not to care" and "you don't want to hurt her". It seems you are not prioritizing yourself. You need to start caring about your own needs and wants. We are conditioned by society to be caretakers and put ourselves second. Work on changing that.

Complicatedlogic · 2023-12-07T01:28:49+00:00

Mines still does this over a year later. Don’t give in, especially if you want to reconcile. She wants to keep you in the mental space you’re in right now. You’re a person too, you don’t deserve that.

Reddit188869 · 2023-12-07T04:54:59+00:00

yep, it’s plan B. Thinking anything else is only opening you up to a world of pain.

lifeisallihave · 2023-12-06T21:45:31+00:00

Sure go ahead and reconcile without taking the time to work on yourself and reassess the situation that led to the divorce.

deep-introduction69 · 2023-12-07T02:24:41+00:00

I would like to know more about how the terms of the D settled out. Like did you have to pay alimony and when did it you start paying? After the house sold or before. Going through it all now and wanting to see if I can delay alimony until hose sells .... anyone else....

Dunkman83 · 2023-12-07T11:39:05+00:00

what does stbx mean?

infinite-ignorance · 2023-12-08T01:34:17+00:00

Man, I read a story a few days ago about a woman who told her husband sometime after the divorce, while she was shacked up with her AP, that she expected him to show up at the courthouse and prevent the divorce from being finalized. That sounds like delusion.

My wife separated from me. Prior to that she spent a lot of time out of the house with friends, just announcing she was leaving and that the kids were with me. No timeline, no checking to see if I had anything else going on. When she was home she kept to herself or was unpleasant to me and the kids. Basically she did not hide the fact that she didn’t care to be around me at all or the kids much and would prefer to be anywhere else - with anybody else. While we were separated, she seemed to be very content and even happy that I was miserable. The more miserable I appeared, the happier it seemed to make her. I was LC with her even though we were in the same house. I sent her a letter telling her I missed sleeping with her and lamenting that it was probably because it was the last intimate thing we had left. She replied that she missed me too, but then went on about how much better her life was without me, how much better she slept, how much happier she was, how energy she had, how she looked forward to her days with eagerness and not dread, etc. That was a wake up. My wife isn’t coming back. I became resolute. I resolved that I didn’t want her if she didn’t want me and I didn’t need her. I started working on myself, what I want to be when I am inevitably single, determining that I didn’t need to consider her feelings any more, read books, for a little therapy, journaled, baby stepping to new places. My attitude changed. I started eating and sleeping a bit better. I had lost weight and I was working out. I bought some equipment. She could see that I was resolved to do life without her. When this happened, she wanted me back.

We are back together. Recently she apologized and said she didn’t know how else to get my attention to get me to change and she knows how much it hurt me (she doesn’t). She thinks things are different now. They kind of are. But not the way she thinks. She thinks I am more loving. I’m not. It’s the same. I have adopted a couple of practices that demonstrate my love in a different way, that’s all. I actually cater to her desires less now than previously because I know that her commitment is conditional and I’m not going to set myself on fire to keep her warm. I don’t argue with her. I just walk disagree and then walk away. She saw a Jordan Peterson video saying that the most important thing to a man in a relationship is certainty and she apologized for taking away my certainty. She certainly did. But she gave me a certainty in return. I’m certain she will leave me at some point. That’s the reality I operate under. She may never leave. But I’m not going to be living in limbo wondering. We know that our kids will leave home. And we love them and care for them until they do. That’s where I am with my wife. She doesn’t know that this is my reality. Yet.

Sorry for the long story. My point is that women don’t always think logically, linearly, nor consider consequences and often operate off of feelings. “I’m feeling discontented so I want to (cheat/divorce/separate/open). My husband is gone and now I’m feeling insecure. So I want my husband back.” Because their emotions can vary wildly and rapidly, it seems like they can be contradicting themselves. My wife told me when we separated that she was tired of pretending that our marriage was fine. A few days later she sent me a message asking if I wanted to pretend that everything was fine for a while and snuggle with her. Completely, emotionally driven. There is no logic to it. I told her that this confused me and she went on some long convoluted rant about how two contradictory things can be true at the same time and not actually be a contradiction. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve read of men who were threatened with divorce constantly and they finally determined to stop fighting and get a divorce. And the wife was all apologies.

Your wife was all cold and distant weeks ago. Is all loving and considerate now. Tomorrow she could be angry and vindictive. Be careful.

silmarp · 2023-12-08T14:46:36+00:00

Or is she getting the sense I have moved on and trying to keep me around.

Everything but this is possible. She thinks she has you around her finger because she has. But she is keeping you in the dark BECAUSE SHE CAN.

Look dude you are into a hell of a fog and you are not thinking rationally. Let me ask you something: What is the name of the animal that walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck and flies like a duck? Can you guess it? Yes, Its a freaking DUCK!!!!

Things in this world are mostly simple, and your ex is not really a special complex woman with unreadable reasons and a mistery. No! You are that one who is overthinking stuff right and left to give her a mysterious semblance in your heart. She is not mysterious, she is not this and that. There is not someone with a gun at her head telling her to divorce and shit.

Thing is, she can't come back to you because you have been disrespecting yourself. No woman can love a man who disrespects himself and she is not an exception. Things are usually as they seem and if people are telling you that she is keeping you as plan b then 99,9999% that is the freaking case ans if it's not then it's just a random exception and very unlikely.

You need a therapist to take the blinders of your eyes and get you to grips with reality. The reality is that she didn't try to stop the divorce, she didn't make any effort to stop it and she wants a divorce. You could in fact have saved your marriage should you do the 180 and grey rock in the very first day she asked for divorce too but the opportunity is looooooooong gone.

Please take your head out of your ass.

Solid_Exercise6697 · 2023-12-09T00:17:46+00:00

Make her suffer and drag herself over the coals for you, if she isn’t willing to, she isn’t being truthful. She broke the marriage, it’s in her to fix it.

Title	STBX sending mixed signals
Author	OkQuail6263
Upvotes	15
Comments	21
Date	December 6, 2023 9:37 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18cezba/stbx_sending_mixed_signals/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/stbx-sending-mixed-signals.1240223 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240223

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