Well, the truth always comes out.

fatherofamazinggirls · 2021-10-06T13:21:31+00:00

Take care of yourself man.

sicrm · 2021-10-06T13:28:13+00:00

now you know for sure there’s nothing worth saving.

push to get the divorce before that relationship fizzles out.

hombredelgato · 2021-10-06T19:02:25+00:00

One day at a time... Next time you see her you won't even recognize her. It's the strangest thing.

Jonger1150 · 2021-10-06T20:07:40+00:00

No matter how the marriage ended, this will sting.

I initiated the divorce process with my ex-wife in Sept 2020. 3 weeks later I found a condom wrapper in a nightstand next to our marital bed. She told me it was brought home by accident, she admitted to fucking this guy who lives about 25 miles away and the wrapper was in her purse. Checked the phone records and she was telling the truth, but I had to hear about this sweaty sex fest.

No matter how the divorce goes down, we're not wired to let sexual partners go. It takes time to numb it away.

We walk by hundred or thousands of women in an average day and we don't give a shit what they did last night, eventually you just have to reconcile it in your head the same way.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-10-06T15:41:19+00:00

Sorry to hear it man. Hopefully you don’t have kids. Lawyer up, get this moving before her “new partner” gets sick of her and she tries to get back with you.

Advice when faced w divorce

Here is what I did and highly recommend to other guys going through divorce to start doing (these are just the basics).

Lift, heavy weights. If you don’t have access to heavy weights, then body weight exercises and high-intensity cardio. The idea is you physically exhaust your body, which increases good chemicals in your brain. It will make you look better too, which helps with self-confidence. This can help w feelings of anger too. Also more muscles, those are good too.

Start and do BJJ, Muay Thai and/or Boxing 3-6x a week. This will help you mentally as well as physically. Also it will help you be somewhat social. This can help w feelings of anger too. Punching a heavy bag for 5 minutes straight is pretty tiring and builds endurance and strength. And after a few minutes you are just thinking of breathing and hitting and not a whole bunch else.

Find some hobbies to do, old ones you stopped or some new ones. Guitar, woodworking, piano, dancing, yoga, stamp collecting, shooting, home improvement projects, model building. For when you aren’t lifting heavy weights and/or rolling or punching something. The idea is that you find something that brings you joy and keeps your mind and body occupied.

Stay away from alcohol (drugs), do not rely on it to numb the pain. Sure, have a drink or two but don’t let it be a crutch. You are stronger then that. Also use this time to fix your nutrition (I prefer low carb and high protein and fat, along w Intermittent Fasting). And also get your sleep, your brain needs to be sharp while you are going through this. Can’t sleep? Try melatonin, sleep / relaxation apps, meditation, prayer, fixed bed time routine.

Start pursuing some alternate stream(s) of income other then your regular 9-5. Start w writing business ideas that you could do in 10-20 hours a week then start pursuing them. Doesn’t have to be huge but something that brings in extra money and gives your mind something to do. (Legal bills will add up quickly, even on amicable splits). Maybe doing some driving for Lyft / Uber or Door Dash, real estate investing (podcast Bigger Pockets) or maybe you have some skill you haven’t used in a bit that can bring in some extra cash (Tutoring, guitar lessons, dog walker, etc).

Learn to meditate, starting w a couple minutes a day and work your way up to 10-15 minutes. (This actually lowers my blood pressure, I’ve measured before and after. It also helps w obsessive negative thoughts). There are several apps out there, I use Headspace. If you are religious pray, read your Bible or other holy book.

Make your living space your own. Whether you get to stay in your house or have to move. Over time put furniture, art, plants, and other items that YOU want and will be proud to show to people you invite over.

Get a therapist. You might have to trial a couple before you find one that you click with and you feel that they understand you. Do NOT feel bad about firing them. If they are any good they will help you set some goals for the sessions. Sometimes sessions won’t be super productive other times they will be. It’s a process that takes some time and won’t last forever. But it will help you struggle through the mental quagmire (shit) and grow stronger and move on.

Reach out to friends and family to keep those connections alive or to re-kindle them. Be careful about venting to family and friends about your situation or Ex. It is alright to do for close relationships but keep it vague and short. That is what the therapist is mostly for.

Read books and/or listen to audiobooks, here are some recommendations that I found helpful (I really think the audiobooks are a good investment. I can take a 4 hour road trip and finish a book. Learn to listen at faster speeds.):

• ⁠Models

• ⁠No More Mr. Nice Guy!

• ⁠The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

• ⁠The 4-Hour Workweek

• ⁠48 Laws of Power

• ⁠How to Win Friends and Influence People

• ⁠The Rational Male

Can’t Hurt Me

• ⁠Extreme Ownership

• Discipline Equals Freedom

• ⁠Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

• ⁠Stop Walking on Eggshells

• ⁠Magic Words

• ⁠The Co-dependent’s User Manual (The last 4 are if your Ex was a Narc or Borderline)

The above are just the basics, if you have kids there should be a few others things you should start doing. If your Ex has a personality disorder there are several more things you need to do.

Do not share w your Ex you are doing these things. If she finds out, ok but this is your business for you to focus on. Do not let her draw you into talking about these things. They are yours and yours alone.

This not a sprint, it is more like a marathon, just keep moving forward one foot in front of the other. Your journey won’t be straight, some days you will feel like shit, some days you won’t. The important thing is that you keep doing some positive things in your life, for yourself.

And lastly, do NOT jump right back into another serious relationship. Figure out the part you played incoming to the divorce. Maybe it wasn’t much or maybe it was. Figure that out and be honest with yourself and accept feedback from those that know you (family, friends, therapist). Be ok w being on your own for awhile. Do NOT repeat the same mistakes that got you where you are right now. I would recommend taking at least a year to work on the above before dating again. If you really focus on the above you will go back to the dating market, if you so choose, in a much much better position.

Don’t give up, you’ve got this

Least_Winter9632 · 2021-10-06T14:17:23+00:00

That’s brutal, sorry to hear mate. Sounds like you deserve much better.

mrk177 · 2021-10-07T00:35:42+00:00

Sorry brother stay strong man. It gets better with time.

cdjohnny · 2021-10-06T17:45:50+00:00

Sucks, I've been there. Lock up your money now

No_Committee8461 · 2021-10-07T03:35:18+00:00

Damn man that is rough to hear, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm still in the divorce journey myself but from what I've read from a lot of sources is, when a person leaves a marriage due to an affair or just to fuck around and live the "free" life, it almost always has a spiral down period for them.

They call it the "fog", it's where your spouse leaves and seems happy/carefree/remorseless because they think they're getting everything they wanted, but once they get out of that fog it hits them like a truck and they transform and become bitter. Kind of like the cliche of a wife leaving for a dude then getting "pumped and dumped", then reality sets in. It seems to me like a bit of a blessing and a curse that she came right out with her true intentions.

I feel like my situation is similar in that a big reason she decided to leave was to live that "carefree do whatever I want and fuck around" life she missed out on, though I missed out on it too because we were both in high school when we got together. Her words "I just need to do what makes me happy." She has yet to come out and say it like your wife did, but like you say the truth always comes out. Time will tell me.

But even know that probably won't make this any easier on you, and I wish you the best of luck on this journey. Keep your head above water, exercise and healthy eating will soothe the pain slightly, and time is the only medicine. There are men going though this journey right beside you, we gotta stay strong and get through to the other side. Best of luck.

Mountain_Split_2381 · 2021-10-07T20:11:59+00:00

Jeez man! Time to pray for her and allow God to handle her.

ProchinaMarxist · 2021-10-13T13:47:28+00:00

She belong s to the streets

DeepSpace85 · 2021-10-17T06:28:02+00:00

I feel for you with this on so many levels. Some parts of my situation are so similar to that right now.

Some days are harder than others for me, and I question myself and my decisions as to how I got to this place, but anyone who can just flip a switch, and walk out on you to someone else, never truly cared about you (or at least not in the way you probably wanted them to). This is all so new to me, so it has helped me reading some of these responses, and seeing what other people are going through or gone through.

I feel so broken at this point, but the only true piece of advice I can give you - people can change if THEY want to, but the only one YOU can truly change is yourself, so use this difficult time to make yourself someone better than you were yesterday.

Don’t give up if you falter a little bit too… I think we all do that sometimes, and it isn’t about the fact that you had a hard time, but instead how you picked yourself back up in that moment, and kept moving forward.

Don’t give in, and don’t give up on yourself. Stay strong.

YouPeopleAreGarbage · 2021-10-06T14:43:06+00:00

Document everything for ammo in court.

Title	Well, the truth always comes out.
Author	Grey_Bear_40
Upvotes	46
Comments	39
Date	October 6, 2021 12:48 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/q2jqol/well_the_truth_always_comes_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/well-the-truth-always-comes-out.1077080 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077080

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