What advice would you give a 36 year old incel?

thetruthishere_ · 2023-11-08T14:31:39+00:00

Stop calling yourself a 'stereotypical incel' for starters.

lilycamilly · 2023-11-08T14:21:51+00:00

I'm glad to hear you're in therapy! That's a wonderful first step, please stick with it!

My advice would be to expand your social circle, try some activities you've never done before and meet new people, and try to make genuine FRIENDS with some women with NO expectation of attraction/romance. Hang out with some women that you aren't attracted to and get used to talking to women as people, not some mysterious other species. Hell, hang out with some old ladies! Volunteer with some local services for the elderly (or volunteering in general is a great way to meet new people, try your local food bank!)

Do things that improve your confidence. Get a flattering haircut, buy some new clothes that you feel good in, hell, even go get a mani/pedi! Clean your place up if you have trouble keeping it clean, make your life setup something that you can feel proud to present to people. Also, get a plant or two if you don't have any! It's a good feeling to take care of something and watch it thrive under your care. Do things that make you feel capable and confident.

Can you tell me what about your personality you think keeps you from being successful with dating?

IrishShee · 2023-11-08T14:23:41+00:00

Do you have friends? What advice would you give to someone who was never successful at making friends and is now bitter and resentful?

Probably something along the lines of “no one is entitled to friends just because they want them. All you can do is be a good person, work on your social skills and hope for the best. You need to reassess how you’re coming across to other people and realise that your bitterness is not only unfounded but it’s also palpable and putting people off.” - you need to take that advice.

Mrgeorgen7 · 2023-11-08T17:44:00+00:00

If you don't see yourself improving in therapy then find another therapist. Preferably a man.

Get CBT because its your limiting beliefs that are stopping you

Join a support group

Focus on socializing. Making friends, volunteering at church etc...

Put yourself in front of people as much as possible. Go to as many social events as possible and try to make connections.

Justwannaread3 · 2023-11-08T15:01:50+00:00

What methods of dating have you tried?

WRX_MOM · 2023-11-08T15:24:38+00:00

Improv might help with self esteem and learning empathy. If you have a hard time connecting with women on an emotional level it may help learn some new skills.

tinyhermione · 2023-11-08T16:34:18+00:00

How are your social skills? Do you have friends and a social network?

fathergoose77 · 2023-11-08T17:55:25+00:00

From what you wrote and your comments, it seems you have trouble asserting yourself, your needs, and asking women out. Like you try your best to not really be seen or cause any conflict - just ask questions and listen, no opinions of your own, lack in confidence in who you are as a person.

Do you have trouble in general with people pleasing and asking for things you want? Example: would you comfortable right now to reach out to one of your women friends and asking them to go to an event/activity/movie of YOUR choice? Or do you generally just go along with what everyone is doing and don’t really know what you actually enjoy doing? Have you ever asked a woman out not on OLD

I’m asking because being assertive sounds like one of the issues here. It’s not a masculinity thing either, both men and women need to learn how to be assertive when needed. Also, you seem to not really know who you are or what of personality you have - kind of like a blank slate. If you don’t know who you are, how do you know what kind of woman you’d be compatible with?

What specifically are you working on in therapy? If you feel like you’re not improving at all, discuss this with your therapist. People are not mind readers and they can’t help you if they don’t know what you need.

TelevisionGloomy5458 · 2023-11-08T18:21:02+00:00

Start having female friends. Take some college classes like cooking, french language or other classes that force you to interact with women. Take a yoga class, etc. you need to put yourself in real life situations where you have to interact with women

Queasy-Librarian3477 · 2023-11-08T20:48:54+00:00

You’ve never had sex?

Ifhes · 2023-11-08T20:52:38+00:00

Well, start by stop calling you an incel. Are you giving too much importance to being in a relationship to the point it frustrates you? It would probably get worse and worse with time. It is a cycle, you feel bad for being unable to have a relationship, you get mad, you feel bad, you feel scared to be alone, you try to have a relationship urgently, it goes wrong because you might be acting unnatural due to previous stages, repeat. Break the cycle, work on you first. Pursue your greatest dreams little by little. You wanted to be an artist, or a scientist? Prepare yourself, pay a course or dedicate time to learn on the internet for free. What music do you like? movied and the such? maybe learn some more about their history, maybe read some phylosophy books related to all that. Be interesting to yourself. Work on your look, learn to trim your beard, try different styles, ask yourself what feels right on regards of how you look. You don't like something about you that cannot be easily changed? Are you sure it cannot be easily changed? No? dedicate time and effort to learn how to improve it. Yes? Well, then it is a matter or perspective, you need to feel okay with yourself one way or another, having the wrong height, or the wrong face is not an objective fact, it is entirely in your mind, you are right for yourself! Once you are right for yourself, you can start worrying if you are also right for other people and I assure you, you will.

DangerStarfish · 2023-11-10T13:38:58+00:00

"Fuck bitches get money."

Focus on getting paid. And go places guys with a lot of money would typically be at. A hoe is going to solicit you eventually.

Pay the fee, get a nut, go about your life.

Romance and marriage is basically prostitution anyways.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2023-11-08T14:56:22+00:00

If therapy isn't working try another therapist or discuss how things are going with your therapist. Make some friends with guys and develop those masculine traits. Hit the gym and improve your grooming and style.

Justdance13 · 2023-11-08T15:29:54+00:00

So after my divorce I almost when that way and I was your age. The first thing I did was to look at where I felt I was wasting time. Internet browsing was a big one, video games another, and of course porn because I was lonely. The easiest thing to stop for me was porn, then internet browsing, and finally video games. Then I looked for things that interested me. I mean anything including stuff I wanted to do as a kid but was told no. So I got into dancing and allowed myself to watch rom-coms which gave me conversation starters with women. I started practicing languages and traveling. I started yoga because I treated my body poorly for years. I went vegan because I had heart disease and got a skin care routine. I started to love myself and treat myself better and that helped me.

sliprymdgt · 2023-11-08T19:40:46+00:00

The pictures you posted.. I really don’t think that’s the real you. That’s PLENTY of muscle. More than the average male and looks alone you wouldn’t have trouble getting a girlfriend.

Edit: your pictures are literally watermarked. What else are you not being honest about?

Why deceive internet strangers? You just want the tips but are afraid to post your real pictures? How can you get real help if you’re posting a fake you?

You want a relationship? Start by telling the truth to yourself and others, however unpleasant it may be. That temporary pain gives way to beauty and meaning.

What’s stopping you from interacting with the world in a completely honest way?

legend503 · 2023-11-08T15:33:22+00:00

At this point... Just get a prostitute where it's legal.

You're 36. You don't sound to happy about turning your life around.

Gain muscles and ask every woman out that you meet.

Embarrassed_Menu5704 · 2023-11-09T04:42:13+00:00

Your mindset is shit. Why would you talk down to yourself like that. You are what you think. Build yourself up in every area of life- financially, physique, spiritually. You know exactly what to do but you don’t want to do it.

TobiasWhitechapel · 2023-11-09T06:06:05+00:00

Hey brother! My advice would be to try the "desired" passion like buying yourself a bow or some shit like that, try to envision the greatest self, what a kinda-silly hobby he would do, maybe you were watching something when you were a kid and thought:"Wow when i become an adult, i'll definitely do that!"

Go for a walk outdoors, but keep it safe Forest or mountain would be preferable

And do some dumb childish things while in nature, play with a stick or some shit :D

I've tried, it is very helpful

And staying active man, i won't advise the gym if it is not your thing, try other sport

I am a strong believer that you at first plays should not worry about the opposite sex, or whatever you are into You should make your life interesting for you! Y.O.U Not for the portfolio on dating app or some pics on Instagram Try this first(enjoy life by fulfilling your childish desires and making your life interesting) And then document your life via dating apps and et cetera If needed of course And try as much as possible to enjoy the real world I wish you the best man! Hope everything will be great!

neoexileee · 2023-11-09T10:57:29+00:00

For me: I was once an Incel. Now I’m married to a girl who is basically a model. There are honestly 3 steps that I took.

Be yourself.
Become the best version of yourself. Even the act of trying can just earn you respect
Put yourself out there

I got a ton of rejections but quite honestly the one that accepted me was the best one of the lot.

CharlerBubbenstein · 2023-11-09T17:45:22+00:00

Looksmax, hit the gym, weird socially approved clothing and accessories to enhance status and learn how to not fall for anyone giving you attention

Acceptable-Meet8269 · 2023-11-09T19:23:41+00:00

My best guess would be that the problem is your energy/vibe and that it's bad, which people feel despite your good looks, social skill, techniques, hobbies, kindness with volunteering etc, because you have unresolved childhood trauma. You should absolutely look into this. If you think it's impossible for you to have trauma because you weren't abused/nothing terrible happened, look at this lecture and learn about how children can be traumatized despite having loving parents with the best intentions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_akH6Cin6E&t=3935s

This kind of trauma (called soft t trauma or developmental trauma) is extremely common in society, most people have unresolved childhood trauma to some extent, across a spectrum of intensity, because of how much society stresses parents and multigenerational trauma, which is very common.

Most therapists knows very little about trauma, especially soft t trauma, so they don't see it when they come across it, even though it underlies so many problems people have, which is why most therapies have often very little success.

Operator_Diego77 · 2023-11-10T06:28:01+00:00

1st stop calling yourself an incel, and bc of that, in therapy start working in your self esteem. Keep working on you, I also recommend you to have a skincare routine, apply some exfoliants on your face.

Also I suggest you to try meditation and to read about stoicism, also theravada buddhism helped me a lot in hardships, but it can be Islam, Christianity, whatever.

Pay an escort or a sex worker, I know we've told about all this rubbish of "your 1st time gotta be special" It'll be but as everything in life, it'll be something temporary, The girl I had ny first time lives in another city and we don't talk anymore, and no you're not less of a man for paying for that, even millionaires, politics do it so.....

Operator_Diego77 · 2023-11-10T06:32:09+00:00

Also, what about being a passport bro? I guess you're either american or brit. If so, try traveling to latin America or Asian countries like Japan, India, Philippines or Malaysia

Cultural-King-7964 · 2023-11-15T16:16:37+00:00

Get off this subreddit.

Title	What advice would you give a 36 year old incel?
Author	6022141023
Upvotes	24
Comments	104
Date	November 8, 2023 2:07 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/17qmeqj/what_advice_would_you_give_a_36_year_old_incel/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/what-advice-would-you-give-a-36-year-old-incel.1237702 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237702

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