Throughout life, we find ourselves challenged to take accountability: be it for ourselves, our careers, relationships, or else. Our determination to do good by others (i.e., be accountable) is motivated by perfectionism, cultural norms, religion, media, our own goodwill, and systems of oppression. Even though I am an avid believer that learning to take accountability for ourselves is essential to our growth, it is important to remember that taking accountability can also be weaponized against us.

This post is here to remind you of two things:

• Unless unaware or unsafe to do so, you have the accountability of leaving unfavorable relationships (no, you’re not “too sensitive” or “over-reacting”).

• Unless unaware, you have the accountability to know when and by whom it needs to be taken.

That is why FDS strongly advocates for us to review, internalize and consistently revise the material: the Handbook, recommended literature, strategy posts, etc.

My ex’s treatment of me and my issues with it equipped him to “rightfully” shift the burden of accountability on me. Hopeful, I was convinced that it was us working in a team of two on resolving/repairing the hurts — I worked to heal from it/learn from it/resolve it, and he worked to “be better”, whatever the fuck that meant. Ultimately, this dynamic enabled severe neglect and built up resentment, which later lead to an end of said relationship (thankfully). Whilst it was my ex’s conscious choice to avoid doing his fair share of work (accountability and adequate repair), I trapped myself into staying because I thought myself “accountable” as well.

Yes, here comes the very toxic cliché that most of us hear: “it takes two”. This was one of the (besides my poor boundaries and lack of self-esteem) contributing factors as to why I chose to stay.

We already know that the ability to partake in healthy relationships favors a solid understanding of one’s self (standards, boundaries, wants, needs, etc.). Of course, this does not eliminate the fact that relational dynamics can also get extremely complex. Given that said disagreement happens in the context of a mature partnership, where conflict resolution can be navigated respectfully, with minimal strain on one’s comfort, boundaries, or well-being. Nonetheless, we have to start learning how to adequately differentiate our (if any) direct responsibilities from those of our partner’s/dating potentials.

In any partnership that is of unhealthy, low/negative/no value nature, the “it takes two” narrative (be it unspoken or not) will damage your mental and emotional well-being. If you find yourself invested in this mindset, challenge yourself to get rid of it — or else it will keep you stuck in partnerships and friendships that are simply of no benefit to you. This mindset had me assuming that I was, to some extent, to blame for the damages inflicted on me (after all — I thought to myself — I also had my fair share of biases, and sensitivities, and traumas).

I see women on this sub perform ridiculous mental gymnastics to see if they have to hold themselves accountable for being “irrational” when, for instance, vetting a man:

• “Is he [insert a manipulative tactic] or am I too sensitive?”

• “Is he [insert immature behavior] or am I over-reacting?”

• “Is he [insert overt/covert red flags or am I reading too much into it?”

No, you are very likely none of those things. That is why you have to gain the necessary knowledge and confidence to engage in validating what you see in front of you. That is why you have to learn where your accountability lies.