Can you at a later point in an established relationship – bring up exes as a conversation for reflection?

No-Village-3946 · 2022-02-26T18:20:18+00:00

See https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/post/establishing-assertiveness--queen-energy-from-day-one (part about emotional baggage)

No, do not ever talk, at any point, about your ex to a man you're vetting/dating/whatever. There is literally no reason to. You should keep your self-deprecating personal anecdotes to zero. Do not overshare. Do not provide anyone with that ammo. What do you get out of it? Save it for your girlfriends, though I am of the opinion that most of your Ls should be kept close to heart unless you have very sisterly relationships with them and they open up similarly to you.

Out of principle alone. It's not his business at all. Why does he need to know that? Operate on a need-to-know basis. Don't be an open book.
An ex is an ex is an ex. You two didn't work out, so what is there to discuss? It's over and done with. Are you also going to start talking about job interviews that went nowhere? Colleges you got rejected from?
What do you or him honestly get out of it? Ok, so you tell him about some pleasant memory of attending a dinner party with your ex and the place was decorated so beautifully and the food was amazing.... and ?? What do you or the new guy gain from hearing about it? If you're trying to make him jealous, we're all grownups and that's childish shit. It also doesn't work long-term. If he likes you, he should genuinely like you. Or if you tell him about unpleasant experience or this song/place reminds you of your ex... same question, what does either of you stand to gain from that info being shared? Do you think it'll make him more determined to step up and replace the negative associations in your head with positive ones? Get real.
You might think your stories are fun/funny, but he will only find them amusing in a sick, twisted way. What he hears is all the bullshit you tolerated. Now he knows he can start pushing the bullshit envelope with you, since you're used to it. It also says a lot about you as a woman that you accepted that treatment. On here, we've all been there, done that, bought the T-shirt so we don't judge each other but men absolutely will judge you negatively for it.
It makes you look like you're not a well-adjusted adult. Like someone who still cannot accept what happened and is living in the past.
It makes things awkward. Even people who have been together for years get uncomfortable when exes are brought up, regardless of the context. Any "relationship Q&A" video on Youtube will show you that nobody ever likes hearing about their significant other's exes.
If you think talking about how your ex did you dirty will make him treat you better, you're dead wrong. Men do not empathize like that. Women do. It's one of our weaknesses that renders us vulnerable to LVM. When a man goes on and on and on about how his ex made him feel small or was crazy or used him for whatever the hell, women resolve to do the opposite of what his ex allegedly did so they can stay in his good graces. Men are not wired this way. At best, they won't care. At worst, they'll throw it back in your face later.
You shouldn't have to exert any effort in making him care for you. He either cares or he doesn't. If you give him the script, he'll just read along, pretending to be a decent and caring guy and because you're still ruminating about your ex & reliving the bad times (TBH, if you were 100% over your ex you would not even be asking this question), your standards are probably low, since you're using your ex as a benchmark. If your ex never called, you'll feel overly grateful if your current guy does call you. If your ex never took you out, you'll feel overly grateful if your current guy takes you out to Applebees. You'll start walking on eggshells to keep it going. He will take advantage of your trauma and low standards by doing the bare minimum because hey, at least he's not like your ex. Your emotional state will make it hard to decipher if he actually cares or is just playing the part.
Just like we women don't want to feel like we have to triangulate with his ex, don't make a guy feel like he has to do that either. By bringing up your ex in any capacity, you make him a factor in your new relationship. Why give his sorry ass that kind of power?The new guy will feel like you're keeping a running tally between him and your ex. Why sabotage things?
Don't ever use your emotional baggage as a vetting tool. Sharing personal and unflattering info is a bad way to vet. You won't discover anything of value from it and you will expose yourself for no reason. What are you expecting him to do anyway? Tell you how sorry he is for what happened to you and promise he'll be better? Tell you it's fucked up? Those are just words anyway and they mean nothing if not backed up by action. Vetting is about evaluating a guy's actions, not his words. You're giving him an opportunity to sweet talk you.

Inspection-Critical · 2022-02-26T17:08:00+00:00

What's your end game?

I don't talk about my exes because they're dead to me. I don't say that out of anger, just sheer indifference.

Tbh, I don't talk about anyone who's no longer in my life, even for the perceived entertainment value to current friends. I've done that in the past until I realized a) it was unattractive and b) it meant I wasn't over them for one reason or another. People don't talk about things unless there's still an unresolved emotion there.

I might mention an ex in passing down the road if it were relevant to the conversation. Gossip doesn't count. I mean real context like we accidentally ran into the person in the street.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-26T17:14:27+00:00

If used as a vetting tool it will backfire spectacularly as you’ve just given the new man in your life a blueprint to how much emotional/verbal/physical abuse you will tolerate.

Even if it’s to make fun of your ex, I personally wouldn’t do it.

“Well that other guy she was with said the wimmins are only good for sex and sandwiches, so I can say whatever I want about the wimmins just as long it’s not as bad as that- hurr durr”

Your ex is in the past for a reason- focus on the present and future.

Vaahla · 2022-02-27T07:38:09+00:00

I talk about the thing I want to talk about without mentioning the ex.

“I spent some time there a few years ago” doesn’t matter it was on vacation with an ex.

“Last concert I went to was X” with an ex lol.

Just be vague and mysterious lol

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-02-27T11:08:21+00:00

The less said about exes the better. In fact you should create the general impression that you were treated well in all past relationships. He will work to treat you better.

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-02-26T18:57:49+00:00

My situation is really different from a lot of people, in that not only are my exes a part of the same community that my SO is, with hundreds of mutual friends/acquaintances, but I married one of my SO’s closer friends.

And that’s been the case for most of my relationships. They all know each other, or of each other, have met outside of our relationships, and have context of their own. The one guy that didn’t know any of my exes, he was the only one who had a problem with that, or the mention of exes. He really didn’t understand how I dated so many people that knew each other.

Each man I was with had absolutely zero issue with mentioning other relationships. But I also was very mindful about it, never making it seem too fond or like I was stuck in the past. My SO welcomes talking about my ex husband. We’re both very angry with him, deeply hurt and disappointed by the choices he made in life. We talk about him every week, I’d guess.

So my perspective, from what would be the opposite of most, I’d imagine, would be to remember that everyone is different. Rules don’t make it impossible to make mistakes, but they’re good to have for reference.

My advice is that if you bring up a STORY that has your ex in it, only insecure shitbags will have a problem with it. Anyone who wants to pretend that they’re the only dick you’ve ever had is dangerous to your mental health. Anyone who wants to control your narrative or past is a walking red flag and should be outed as quickly as possible.

So yeah, I mention exes. I bring them up early and gauge their reactions. If it makes them uncomfortable or contentious, I’ve saved myself some time. If they can enjoy the stories, then they’re not baby-men.

In that regard, at least. 😒

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-27T00:39:53+00:00

Absolutely you can. Jack and I talked extensively about our exes. We talked about the life lessons we learned, what we learned about being a good and bad partner for them and for us. We talked about dealbreakers, what we did and did not want in any future relationships. We talked about the big five: money, sex, religion, work, housework, and agreed on all.

Humans are natural storytellers. We tell stories to help ourselves find perspective and objectivity, and occasionally experience epiphanies. We put ideas together in stories. When you look back, and narrate how you saw and felt things, you solidify your history and you put your stamp on it.

I'd push a little further and say when you're in a new situation, and it's time to talk about history, because at some point, we all have a rather storied life, NEVER feel afraid or ashamed to ask! And ask a LOT of questions. It's a vetting tool: any defensiveness means secrets, means hiding a truth that doesn't make him look good. Answering everything, and at length, means someone has come to terms with it, and can look at it dispassionately. Really being over an ex means indiference, not love or hate; you really no longer truly care. It is just a part of your past like going to school.

You should never pretend exes didn't exist! They are a part of your history, for better and worse. Learn from all of them! That trite phrase, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or for good, is true. Everyone we are in contact with has things to teach us, some serious, some not so serious. Some people can even teach us how to relax and have fun.

Jack's and my ability to talk about exes let me know he was the one. I loved how although there were lingering feelings of things like disappointment and confusion over where they were coming from, sometimes even disgust at their controlling and withholding ways, the more we talked, the more those feelings could be let go of. It was very cathartic to talk about our exes, see each other's histories, and know about each other more as full people.

CherubBaby1020 · 2022-02-28T03:04:26+00:00

My ex husband died from a drug overdose when I was 26 years old.

It's a major part of me and my life and my values and the way I see the world.

To me, it was incredibly important to be able to speak about this with my future husband and I needed him to 'get' it in the way most people don't.

FDS is a strategy for dating that helps you clear away the riffraff to find someone who meets your personal standards for a life partner.

Practice FDS to the letter until you rebuild confidence in your intuition and have strong boundaries.

If it's important to you to find someone you feel you can share your past with, then that is a standard for you and that's something you should learn to vet for.

Title	Can you at a later point in an established relationship – bring up exes as a conversation for reflection?
Author	teaandcoffee717
Upvotes	88
Comments	17
Date	February 26, 2022 4:56 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t21jju/can_you_at_a_later_point_in_an_established/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/can-you-at-a-later-point-in-an-established.1102797 https://theredarchive.com/post/1102797

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