Former SWer looking for input, advice, wisdom, etc. from FDS on how to move on with my life & heal.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-02-04T00:44:35+00:00

To commenters: make any nasty comments and I will ban you!

Angeli_33 · 2021-02-04T01:09:05+00:00

First I want to say I'm so proud of you 👏👏👏 and the efforts you are taking to take a different turn in this life.

In regards to any "shame" or "regret" you may have, I want to seriously emphasize the following: we all make choices in this life that we end up regretting in the future. Literally all of us do. The only ones who don't are people who've either lived in isolation or are rare lucky ones (as rare as lottery winners). So there's no need to beat yourself up about it. Trust me, none of us are perfect. Our past is one of the paths that lead us to who we are today. As long as you strive to be a better person, there's no need to hold your past against yourself.

Also, I want to say don't be your own worst enemy/critic. Don't do that to yourself. I say this because I've done things in the past that I hated myself for doing. I planted the seed of regret in my heart and it slowly started eating away at me. Subconsciously, I felt inferior. I attracted terrible people into my life because I thought that's what I deserved. I just hated myself, but I wasn't aware that I did. One day I did magic mushrooms (they're legal in my country) and I saw my reflection in the mirror and nothing had changed physically, but mentally I thought differently of myself. I realized I had not been such a bad person after all. I was a kind and pure soul underneath everything and for the first time in years, I was properly reintroduced to the real me again. I had been too hard on myself unnecessarily for years. So don't make the same mistakes that I did. Don't bury regret in your heart. Don't let your past define you. Life's short, don't neglect yourself, love yourself. You deserve it. And move on. Whenever you do feel pain or regret use it as a reminder to keep going in the direction of growth. You can do it ✌️.

coldfoot23 · 2021-02-04T01:28:42+00:00

I’m also a former sex worker both internet and stripping/prostitution and what’s helped me is knowing the source of my oppression. Radical feminist literature has helped me immensely and surrounding myself with like minded women has been healing.

Firstly, the guilt is going to be all consuming at some point but know that ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. We live in a culture that tells women forms of “empowerment” are through selling your body as if you’re an object. True empowerment comes from skill and learning to actually better yourself. I decided to go into trade school to become an electrician in order to have my own dependence financially and to learn a skill set that is practical.

Second is trying to reclaim the autonomy of your body. This was and still is difficult for me. I felt like my body was everyone else’s but mine, coupled with being in a marriage where my ex husband essentially helped pimp me out— I felt like I had no ownership and I almost did porn because of it. Till this day I’m so glad my self esteem was so low that I couldn’t fathom seeing myself on camera. Sex and sensuality isn’t inherently disgusting it’s beautiful, but the porn culture and industry has made it perverse. Try to rebuild a relationship with the connection between body and mind, because I know from experience you tend to dissociate the two in order to get the job done.

Third and most importantly, take your time. This is an every day healing process, be kind to yourself. You’re a victim of this shitty brain washing that’s put women in harms way of users and abusers. You WILL move past this and you will feel whole again. One thing that’s helped me although it’s a tough read is “Pornography” by Andrea dworkin (a lot of heavy stuff in there and I’ve broke down crying/had to skip over some parts bc a lot of it is too real). Also “the body keeps score” is another great read.

It’s been about two years since I’ve been fully out of that life and I still avoid subject matters that trigger certain memories, every day I realize something about my sexual abuse that makes me connect the dots in painful ways. I have a painful relationship with sex and bouts of self disgust with my sexuality. I don’t know when I’ll be intimate again but right now I still feel like a shell. HOWEVER every day im getting stronger and secure in myself, every day is a new lesson in self love and forgiveness. I can PM if you need anymore help 💕

aquietsword · 2021-02-04T01:29:01+00:00

Don't stop looking for the right therapist. Some honestly suck and could do more harm than good. Be critical there because it's important, but don't give up on it. Good luck 🧡

LilithWon · 2021-02-04T02:45:53+00:00

I'm truly glad to see you here 💕

Seems like you are already taking great steps towards healing (therapy, deleting accounts, scrubbing your internet history). You absolutely deserve to feel proud of yourself for this.

It takes time to rebuild one's life so all I can really say is be kind to yourself. Be patient. There will be times during your level up journey where you may be tempted to be really hard on yourself, and when that happens I ask you to exercise self-compassion. When we cringe at our past selves it can feel like we're doomed but in reality, it's a sign that you've changed and grown as a person.

One thing to keep in mind as you heal and recover, you'll be confronted with an entire patriarchal system that will try to keep you down bevause you're a former SW. Including, but not limited to, the madonna-whore complex and purity culture. Men perpetuate the idea that certain categories of women are "permanently damaged" for example "daddy issues" aka women who suffered parental neglect, women who have been traumatized and abused, former SW, women with "too high" body count etc. The important thing to remember is that these patriarchal norms are not a reflection of who YOU are as a person. There will be men who try to tear you down, who will try to make you think you don't deserve to be treated like a human being because you were a SW. Don't listen to those assholes.

Focus on leveling up, keep reading here at FDS, go to therapy, sort out your career options, etc. and everything will be okay. Hugs 😊

Most_Ruin_2246 · 2021-02-04T01:11:15+00:00

I think the first thing is to forgive yourself. If you have any feelings of self-hate or guilt. Your allowed to move on and not be defined by this. You are worthy of love and a life after this. Please be gentle with yourself.

brittneyinblack · 2021-02-04T05:16:49+00:00

I think the other comments have been really spot on for your emotional and mental well-being. Career-wise, you're already doing great with rebuilding your social media and all of that. Put your stuff on private, etc. And then just go for it! Pick a career you want and make the path forward. Don't let yourself be stopped by thinking your past work will limit you. Pretend you're fresh out of high school and it's time to venture forward with your career plans, whether that's going to school or learning a trade or whatever!

When it comes to dating, you do not need to tell every partner about your past. The handbook has some bits on this; I would keep that to yourself until he has been thoroughly vetted and wait until you're in an exclusive relationship. It's simply not his business. And it's such a vulnerable piece of yourself that I'm worried the wrong guys will use it against you and hurt your healing. It's okay to protect yourself!!

I wish you all the best in your journey 🖤.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-02-04T03:36:08+00:00

This is sooo awesome, congrats!! Be gentle with yourself, it's not your fault we live in this motherfucker of a culture that markets nudity as empowerment.

You've done the hardest part, so be proud of your bravery and courage.

Take it easy, and know that the ladies of FDS support you ❤️❤️

JesusisKingisLord · 2021-02-04T01:37:02+00:00

I love reading your post and the comments of those who share similar experiences with you. You are a badass for making such a dramatic life change and not being trapped by your past. Major props and I wish you the best. We are here for you, girl.

Sapphonie · 2021-02-04T11:19:49+00:00

I have been through similar. Stay away from men for a while. Do NOT ever mention this type of stuff to ANY man. Or woman who could tell a man. Do not drink/get intoxicated around men, in case you relax too much and tell them this. Play dumb if sex workers or something similar comes up in conversation. You don't have any idea about that seedy underworld, you are shocked at what you have heard!

No. Male. Therapists. No. Male. Therapists. No BDSM. No BDSM.

Female therapists can also have a lot of internalised misogyny unfortunately. Please remember, NO ONE can victim-blame you. It is weird how sexual abuse (you were abused) is so common, yet so few therapists seem to know what they're on about. If it doesn't feel right with a therapist, leave. You're the boss, you're the consumer.

Do not look through the eyes of the oppressor. If you ever have negative thoughts...are they the words of a male objectifying or degrading you? Recognise it. It's not you and you can't try to puzzle it out and try to understand why they did what they did or said what they said. You can't hope to ever understand the way they think and behave, or to integrate them into who you are. Your brain may try to do that, internalising their view of you. That's half the self hatred, right there. CAST THE SCROTES OUT OF YOUR SOUL.

Paranoia. It sucks, but decreases over time. Research into coping techniques and learned responses from other ex-sex workers (with regards to shutting down criticisms of their past). The main tool used to try to hurt women is shame. Truth be told, your naked body/its actions are a NATURAL thing and the idea it could be used to degrade or shame you is ludicrous. If you ever feel fearful of being "exposed", please separate yourself from the situation (and looking through the eyes of objectifying males) and imagine how many women would rally round you, support you and never shame or objectify you. Do NOT look through the oppressor's eyes with regards to anything, your body is just your body. The work should have just been work (not that that is possible with sex work). If the worst did happen, reach out to women, have some trusted women you could call if you were exposed (God forbid). Noting cannot be overcome, even the shame people try to heap on women who did exactly what patriarchy demanded.

pickadaisy · 2021-02-04T03:20:54+00:00

I don’t have advice right now, but I am sooo happy you found us. You have infinite joy ahead of you...in your control. 💛

askmeifilikeanal · 2021-02-04T07:09:54+00:00

The good news is that there are so many naked women on the internet I don’t think you have to worry about changing your appearance beyond maybe your hair (maybe) to not be noticed or recognized. Most people look so different in person anyway and even more different when dressed. Very proud of you!!

theawkwardalli · 2021-02-04T04:26:53+00:00

So proud of you! Welcome to the first day of your new life 🤍

nenindis · 2021-02-04T09:54:19+00:00

I do not share in your experience entirely, neither do I claim to, but I have fallen into the nudes trap in the past. Now, it's an obvious "never again" and, similarly to you, I've never exactly felt a sense of connection to myself. I have, however, taken most of the steps you're taking now in my journey:

I've sought out a therapist. I am happy you're doing the same! Therapy can be of tremendous help in understanding the core of what's happened to you and help you navigate through it, ideally equipping you with the tools to become your own therapist. If, at any given moment, your therapist does not display an objective, non-judgmental approach towards your choices, your situation, or your context, I would recommend you go to another. Your mental health is of tremendous importance. The fact you're opening up about what's happened to you is incredibly brave and any therapist who shows even the littlest sign of disrespect (disregards your perceptions, tries to push too hard their own approach, doesn't actively listen to you or make you feel heard) is, to my opinion, not a proper person to be in a position of a therapist.
I've cut off, blocked, ghosted toxic people from my social circle. In your healing process, you absolutely do not need disrespectful, abusive or otherwise toxic people. You do not deserve to be dragged down by friends or family members. You go low contact or no contact with them. Ever since I've done this, I've had more time to focus on me rather than their drama, problems or lack of self-awareness and self-accountability. Anyone who lacks basic human decency does not get to breathe the same air as you do because the air you breathe is sacred.
I have read tons of books that helped me understand and add deeper comprehension to my context. For me, the deepest wound has been parental abuse, so that has been my main subject of focus because I didn't need "closure" from people who're ready to gaslight me when my troubles are brought up. I've sought knowledge because knowledge is power. Now I know my parents are a bunch of overgrown children. I do not care for their problems. I do not let them interfere in my life in any way. I hardly speak to them in the first place. My "closure" came from knowledge and the knowledge I have worked to accumulate has helped me move on.
Write out meditations, musings, practice self-compassion, forgive yourself. I, too, regret ever having allowed subpar individuals to be part of my life or myself to be consumed with them. I held on too tightly because I tied my worth as a person, as a woman, to external validation. Now, I am aware that I, too, am a nebula bursting into a multitude of colors. I am complete. I am lively. I forgive myself for all I did not know and how I behaved back then. I forgive myself because I acknowledge I was caught up in a vortex of factors that were outside my control.

Again, I do not claim this to be the universal recipe for healing. Everyone has their own process. Please know I am very proud of you for the steps you have taken. Please know I am rooting for you and wishing you all the best, OP!

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-02-04T09:56:03+00:00

Don't ever feel guilty, remember girls are surrounded by images of objectification and sexualisation from such a young age. I was talking to a friend about this yesterday, I was aware of page 3 and bay watch from a young age, at 10 I wanted breast implants, I knew if I didn't have boobs I'd have implants and I did in my early 20s. I have worked as a lap dancer and escort, all this stuff is normalised, we are both encouraged to sexualise ourselves and punished for it. Boys older than me put porn on in front of me and my friends without our permission, this is grooming. This and the sexualisation in the media is systematic grooming and sexual, emotional and psychological abuse of girls and women, the society we live in and the exposure to objectification and sexualisation of women is abuse and control on a mass scale. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about! I can't believe I did it when I look back but now I acknowledge there was so much trauma, brainwashing/manipulation, of course money was also a factor, or lack of it. The weird thing is I've only recently realised I have a fear of men, I think the industry also gives women a false sense of control over trauma.

2021-02-04T06:11:31+00:00

I suggest reading the handbook and wiki, it’s a gold mine and I really appreciate the effort put into it

pikkpie · 2021-02-04T15:45:58+00:00

Welcome to the gang sis. You'll love your time here! Glad you realized the horrors of this astrosious industry! Young Girls can learn a lot from your example! I am sorry you had to go through that but you've come out stronger than ever! Cheers!

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-02-04T19:17:45+00:00

Even if many of us HAVENT been sex workers, almost all women have used their sexuality to gain power or acceptance at some point. It’s almost impossible to grow up in a deeply patriarchal society and not dabble in that to some degree.

The first steps away from these negative behaviors is hardest. But the farther you get the less you’ll want to go back. Keep. Moving. Forward. It doesn’t matter if at first it’s millimeters. Eventually, you’ll be able to move forward in leaps and bounds.

You are worthy of every good and amazing thing. Stay brave.

KateJ1982 · 2021-02-04T19:43:38+00:00

No advice, just want to say my heart goes out to you for what you have suffered. You're amazing, you're valuable, you're worthy of kindness and respect, and you're doing the right thing.

nicoleo2019 · 2021-02-04T04:08:47+00:00

Congratulations! You did something to change your life, and that in itself is an achievement. Always love yourself more than all else.

LevelingUpQueen_ · 2021-02-05T11:34:11+00:00

My heart goes out to you.

Please do not blame yourself. Be kind to yourself. I know this is something easier said than done and it requires daily work. You might feel guilty or shame, but REMEMBER: It is not your fault. You did not know any better. You were brainwashed and manipulated. You were programmed to think sex is “empowering”.

I’m glad to know you have already taken the steps. Finding a good therapist will help you a lot in the long run. I also recommend meditating and reading, getting to really know yourself and what you truly enjoy doing. Spend time working on your hobby/skill and build strong friendship with like minded women.

Please stay safe and strong, queen.

Title	Former SWer looking for input, advice, wisdom, etc. from FDS on how to move on with my life & heal.
Author	throwawayokay88888
Upvotes	282
Comments	27
Date	February 3, 2021 7:23 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lbvrw0/former_swer_looking_for_input_advice_wisdom_etc/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/former-swer-looking-for-input-advice-wisdom-etc.740514 https://theredarchive.com/post/740514

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