The author lists three kinds of intertwined behaviours.

1) Abusive Behavior - Includes actions that engender fear and intimidation, or undermine the other person's self-determination. Many controlling behaviors may also be abusive within the context of physical or psychological abuse.

2) Controlling Behavior - Includes abusive behaviors but also actions that are undermining of the other person's self-determination or self-esteem. This includes unilateral complaints, controlling the agenda, freedom from accountability to the other person (e.g., coming and going as one pleases).

3) Insensitive and/or Alienating Behavior - Includes all abusive and controlling behaviors listed below, but also actions that are self-centered, inconsiderate, selfish, and isolating or withdrawing.

GLARING RED FLAGS

1) Quick involvement. A large number of abused women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged, married, or living together. He comes in like a tornado, claiming, "You're the only one who understands", or "the only one I can talk to", "the only one I've loved this much". He will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that the woman may feel guilty or that she's ‘letting him down’ if she wants to slow down the involvement or break off the relationship.

2) Obsessed with their ex. Always makes the ex, the topic of the conversations. Claims to be friends with the ex and talk to them excessively.

3) You dont feel like you can be fully yourself. As a relationship progresses, you should feel more comfortable with your partner and share more of yourself. It's a red flag if you either dont feel increasingly safe to share your experiences, interests, thoughts, and feelings or you feel judged or criticized when you do and begin to hide or suffocate parts of yourself that your partner disapproves of.

4) Increased symptoms of mental or physical health problems. Your body, mind, and spirit are all interconnected, which is why symptoms of stress, depression, and anxiety show up in our bodies as well as in our thoughts and feelings. Be sure to notice new or worsening health problems, increasing feelings of anger, resentment, fear, and stress and consider whether they may be related to your relationship.

5) Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. He keeps you confused by sudden changes in his mood. You may believe he has some sort of mental problem because one minute he's loving, and the next he's exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of men who beat their partners.

6) Hypersensitivity. He is easily insulted, claiming his feelings are "hurt', when in actuality he is angry or taking the slightest setback as a personal attack. He will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are just a part of living (for example, being asked to work late, getting a traffic ticket, or being told about annoying behavior).

7) You have to justify their bad behaviour. If your partner is rude to your friends, you shouldn't have to tell them, "Oh, they're rude if they don't know you, but they're nice, once you get to know them."

8) A tendency to run away from difficult discussions. If your partner lacks the emotional or behavioral skills needed to cope with problems and runs away from them instead, this can have a negative effect on your relationship.

9) Playful use of force in sex. He may enjoy throwing you down or holding you down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where you're helpless. He is letting you know that the idea of rape is exciting. He may show little concern about whether you want to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. He may begin having sex with you while you're sleeping or demand sex when you're ill or tired.