How to date men less smart than you

super_thinker_ · 2020-09-29T22:59:03+00:00

After dating a few too many intellectual, abusive narcissists during my college/grad school years, I've learned to itch my intellectual scratches online, with colleagues, and with my friends instead of with my romantic partner.

Now, I prefer to date extremely sweet men who are smart in other ways - emotionally intelligent men who are smart around the house (know how to fix things).

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-09-29T22:48:35+00:00

I’m an asshole when anyone says nonsense lol. In all seriousness tho, if they don’t give you a mental boner, they just don’t. I don’t normally recommend dating down for anything and I feel you on this one. Most guys are so... dull. Uninterested in life and things around them (and uninteresting). I’ve dated one guy where I felt somewhat mentally stimulated (no degree, he just liked learning things so he did) and even then, it came with a smidge of narcissism and condescension that I definitely wouldn’t be ok with in a long term life partner, it wasn’t a serious relationship. One of the many (MANY) reasons I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may just never meet someone who hits enough boxes to make me want to not be single. Nothing I can do about it, I can’t make men smarter, so might as well just move on with life 🤷🏼‍♀️

ThrowawayKITTY777 · 2020-09-29T22:55:33+00:00

I wouldn't say you're "doomed" to a small dating pool of supersmart dudes because I think dating to match your intelligence is a good way to weed out lesser guys who won't make you happy. It's more of a blessing.

I DON'T date men who aren't on my same level of intelligence, knowledge and conversational skills. I don't want to spend a relationship being bored or annoyed.

Yes I've discarded dudes that look good, dress well, are kind .... because being with them was going to be me dumbing myself down because they couldnt understand what I was talking about.

Go ahead and narrow your choices to men who have your same or greater intelligence, trust me you'll be more happy in the long run. If that means you're only dating PhDs, so be it. You deserve mental stimulation in your relationship.

*Edit : Not putting up with listening to boring nonsense from a dude isn't "being an asshole". I'm sure you've politely told some guys they were wrong or didn't know what they were talking about and have gotten some shit and been called an asshole for it. You're not, most men just can't stand to be corrected.

hypointellectual · 2020-09-29T23:00:22+00:00

The thing that sucks is that extremely book smart men are emotionally dumb. The hard part is finding an EMOTIONALLY intelligent man. For a book smart man, you can at least know you can find them at universities or certain companies. But emotionally intelligent men are the true unicorns.

juliesans · 2020-09-30T00:09:20+00:00

Simple answer: don’t. God, there is nothing I hate more than a man who doesn’t understand what I’m talking about because he’s uneducated. I don’t put up with that shit anymore. It makes me feel like I’m dealing with a toddler.

Saitschik · 2020-09-29T22:58:57+00:00

You know what you want so go for it. The dating pool might be smaller but if you don't want a man with a lower education level than don't force yourself.

Even though I am pretty sure there are men as smart as you with lower degrees, not everybody pursues a PhD for one reason or the other.

But that's not the point. If it isn't attractive to you it will never work so keep your standards and accept that there might be dry spells.

missjtobby · 2020-09-30T00:08:29+00:00

Education is not always the best way to measure intelligence. I’ve dated guys with high school diplomas that were smarter than me (bachelors degree and work in a clinical research lab) as well as guys with JDs and MDs that were socially awkward and incapable of having the deep conversations that I enjoy having. The higher educated guys were just very good at taking tests. And the smart guys were small business owners who didn’t need a college degree.

How I deal with dating now is by focusing more on the intellectual conversations rather than the piece of paper hanging on the wall. I want to know that a guy is emotionally available and open to deeper conversations that are not always focused on work or school. These types of guys are harder to find but they’re out there.

yanyanfan · 2020-09-29T23:50:55+00:00

The HVM dating pool is minuscule for everyone. Making intelligence a deal breaker isn’t going to get rid of a ton of HVM. It’s not like I’m compatible with all HVM and you aren’t because of your intelligence. We must find compatible matches who are HVM. Your pool isn’t smaller than any other woman on FDS. Don’t date men less intelligent than you.

NoMoreLVM · 2020-09-30T10:13:01+00:00

One thing I’ve realised is that “intelligent” is not the same as “having a PHD”. That said, I make sure men have an undergrad degree from a good university. My ex didn’t go to university and though he was intelligent his bad spelling and gaps of knowledge in culture annoyed me. I avoid men in academia because in my experience they have huge egos and think they’re incapable of misogyny because they know who bell hooks is but are completely incapable of accepting any criticism. I would say have a minimum level of education you would accept but don’t limit yourself too much.

I used to only date artists because I thought only artists would understand me. I realised that male artists are threatened by my success and refuse to value my work, and even though we may have similar interests at the start they would still end up being dismissive towards my taste in music/films etc. Men with regular jobs are much more supportive, they may have not heard of my favourite films but I value it more when a person puts in the effort to enjoy what I enjoy. Don’t tie yourself to a “type” that clearly hasn’t worked for you in the past

Wise-Jelly · 2020-09-30T06:52:07+00:00

The mark of any reasonably intelligent person is the capacity to admit that there are many, many people who are smarter than they are out there. If you can find a "smart" man who abides by that principle and his actions match that- then he is HV.

I also go for smart men and have dated several that were extremely "academically" impressive. My favorite "smart" LVM was the Harvard physics professor who looked like a thumb and couldn't hold a decent conversation to save his life.

I enjoy the kinds of conversations and how deep you can get with men who are more intellectual- however, there is a backlash. These men are often extremely insecure and rely on being "smart" as a core part of their identity- so when you bring up a great counterpoint in arguments they can sometimes lose their sh*t. The *ego* can't handle a woman who has something to say that goes against their own worldview (which is so "smart" that anyone who would disagree is automatically wrong or an idiot) My grad school advisor is the perfect example of an LVM academic- petty, childish, and insecure. These men are usually not capable of providing any kind of emotional support, because they expect women to pander to their ego.

Also, if they are *ahem.. ugly or conventionally unattractive then good luck- they will convince themselves that the only reason you would be interested in them romantically is if you are a golddigger (even if all they have to offer are elite degrees and "potential") and spend the rest of the relationship resenting you. Yes, this will come out in the form of vicious insults and passive-aggressive fighting.

You have to walk the balance between "smart" men considering you to be intellectual enough as a partner to show off or engage in debate with, while not being "threatening," arrogant, or abrasive when expressing your ideas. This is extremely f*cked up and sexist but sums up what many "smart" men mean when they say they want a partner who is their intellectual "equal."

CountingDownTheDays5 · 2020-09-30T00:53:14+00:00

Lesson you have to learn education doesn't always equal intelligence, nor increased intelligence. The one thing I learned working in the court system in my city. As I was surrounded by lawyers, judges, and people of higher education it was plain and clear to me idiots can have PhDs, JDs, Masters, and MDs. Do not be foolish enough to believe such a notion. I have met law clerks smarter than judges, smarter nurses than doctors. So my suggestion is expand your options. Not everyone pursues a PhD because it's 1. costly and 2 in many cases not needed for 6 figure + income in specific fields.

It is much more fulfilling BTW to have a guy who is emotionally, physically, sexually, and mentally intelligent. That doesn't always come with a PhD. Often the intelligence you are speaking of aka high education books smart, are idiotic when it comes to all those other things. So expand your pool, that is truly intelligent. While keeping the same requirements for HVM.

111pearlgirl · 2020-09-30T06:40:17+00:00

I definitely find it very attractive if a guy can teach me something new. I’d say I demand more emotional intelligence cause I find book smart people to lack some qualities often. He has to have the social skills, have goals in life and be emotionally stable and available.

nat890 · 2020-09-30T08:30:49+00:00

I agree with many of the comments suggesting there’s more important things like emotional intelligence to worry about and to get your intellectual stimulation elsewhere. I once dumped a guy cause his favourite show was The Bachelor and I couldn’t understand how someone could be so stupid. Instead I ended up with the intellectually stimulating narcissist who turned out abusive... which just kept me wondering about whether I would’ve been better off with The Bachelor guy lol. I’m sure neither are right for me now, but let’s just say I’ve reprioritised my list of qualities to look for in a guy.

LittleBiitchyBanana · 2020-09-30T08:53:49+00:00

This is a hard one to differentiate a bit. Intelligent as in a narcissistic way- no way, I am done with that. When a man tries to on purpose use difficult words, trying to look smart etc this irritates me so much and bores me at the same time.

However, I met a guy recently (not a date!) that doesn’t have a college degree, but he’s very smart intelligent and just fun to talk to.

So my point is, I do not cross people out just because they are intelligent in a way of having a degree or not. I just look at the person, their emotional intelligence, the overall thing.

lissette_acn · 2020-09-30T17:19:05+00:00

[deleted]

2020-09-30T17:57:12+00:00

Most women are smarter than most men. Personally I would prefer an emotionally mature man with common sense and a love for hard work and not focus so much on their level of education or level of specific knowledge (like someone with a PhD would) in a field that we probably won't end up talking about anyway. There are many idiots brute forcing and brown nosing their way through phds in a lab somewhere anyway. That being said my ex was a lot dumber than me, and felt really insecure about it so it didn't work out. He would say that people in ivy leagues are all dumb and just really rich (because he was jealous of my college which wasn't even ivy league and the fact that he failed hs and had to go to community college, which he blamed on the system and his learning styles of course) and would take online iq tests constantly and convince himself that a slightly above average level meant he was a genius. Just a mess.

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2020-10-01T01:17:44+00:00

I was like you too and only dated men who challenged me intellectually. I went through some things and all of my dating standards changed. The best man I’ve ever dated was dumber than dirt. But he was unbelievably kind, upbeat. And he actually liked learning, it was just a new hobby for him.

I think competing in any aspect of your life with a partner prob isn’t healthy. Like if you’re super into fitness and you want someone to push you to work out harder, find a friend for that.

Idk. Your standards will prob change as you have more relationships and your long term values change.

I think it’s much harder to find genuine, kind, men who view women as equal partners than to find men with PhDs.

redfarmmmmm · 2020-10-10T17:55:52+00:00

If you want to date high calibre man, you have to be smart and beautiful.

I dont mind dating a guy who is less smart than me as i dated guys who were in Phd and still stupid in street smart sense.

I would take good looking guy with good personality over smart guys at any time of the day.

Title	How to date men less smart than you
Author	lissette_acn
Upvotes	67
Comments	41
Date	September 29, 2020 8:28 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j27i4i/how_to_date_men_less_smart_than_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-date-men-less-smart-than-you.275407 https://theredarchive.com/post/275407

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