How to go about dating as an avoidant type?

BellaMob · 2020-10-05T18:57:39+00:00

Don't be an open book to anyone. They can win your trust over time if they work hard enough. It's a privilege, not something to be given away easily.

dzgata · 2020-10-05T20:41:33+00:00

I used to think being avoidant was bad. But honestly it’s probably a self defense mechanism for women. Maybe it’s your gut telling you that scrote isn’t for you.

DadaExperiment · 2020-10-05T20:45:57+00:00

I think not being vulnerable to men is not some handicap, but a distinct advantage in every way.

hopewings · 2020-10-05T18:26:56+00:00

Being vulnerable is foolish for women.

When people tell women to be vulnerable, it's telling her to make herself easy prey for a predator. The reason you are avoidant and have a hard time opening up is because you haven't found the right person, and your gut instinct knows it. Your intuition is a gift. Listen to it.

I've felt exactly what you felt regarding people opening up to me and feeling turned off. They were awful people waving their red flags at me because I made them feel like I was so kind and safe to open up to. One guy told me that when he was 30, he dated an 18 year old, that she was so mature, and they were on a similar intellectual wavelength. Another guy told me that he secretly recorded this girl he had sex with without her consent, but it was okay because he later told her, and she went along with it. Then he sent me the videos. Yet another guy told me that he had rape fantasies. These are just the most egregious examples, but there were other, more subtle forms of "sharing their past" that showed their true colors.

You get my drift, don't you? Keep your emotions guarded. But pretend to be emotionally open, play the dumb fox, all the while gathering crucial information about these men. They believe that sharing themselves will ingratiate them to our inner desire to tell them they are still lovable. You can do that, tell them it's okay, they are still good people, no worries, you don't judge them... and Run. The. Other. Way. That's what I did. I cut them out of my life, and I disappeared.

One day I met a man whose past secrets didn't involve disgusting sexual stuff, someone who made me more attracted to him rather than turned me off as he opened up to me. That was a man worth investigating more, worth giving my closeness and testing the waters being vulnerable with. Don't give your vulnerability until you have thoroughly vetted him.

kettleodumplins · 2020-10-05T22:12:37+00:00

It depends on what you mean by avoidant. Most women who consider themselves "avoidant" have absolutely nothing wrong with them and would rate in the 95th percentile of emotional closeness if they were a man. Additionally, most women feel avoidant because men have not respected their boundaries. Does this keep you from having friends? Performing at work?

Don't ask whether you are avoidant first, but what people have done that have made you uncomfortable. You don't have to hug, touch or certainly kiss anyone until you like them as a person. This does not have to happen on the first date or on several dates, for that matter. What kind of questions are men asking you that you don't like? Would you feel uncomfortable if a coworker asked you these questions? What about a best friend? If you would feel comfortable with a best friend but uncomfortable with a coworker, then they probably asked too personal of a question.

You will find someone that responds to your cues and respects your boundaries, regardless of how reserved you are. If you are trying to change something about yourself so that you can date, then chances are the problem isn't you. If you are also experiencing this problem in other areas of your life, then perhaps read and talk to a professional if necessary to solve the problem and to make your life better, not just so that you can date.

Sisi21cent · 2020-10-05T23:33:49+00:00

I have the same problem. I’m deeply afraid of getting hurt, therefore I tend to be cold and avoidant.

I wish I was a bit more vulnerable, however it has yet to serve me well.

freesm0ke4u · 2020-10-06T01:07:01+00:00

As someone who is a recovering anxious-avoidant, the impression I got from learning about attachment theory is that it's specifically not rational to the situation at hand, but rather a reflection of previous childhood conditioning. Meaning avoidant people are avoidant with everyone including those who are good for them, because they're emotionally unavailable. It's about them, not the people they are dating. I think it leaves us in an unhelpful dead end when we believe that avoidance is because of others. If you are the common denominator, common sense says you're probably the problem. Not in a mean way, just that you should heal yourself before you try to date. Or the same problem will keep popping up with different people.

NaturalSiren · 2020-10-05T18:27:00+00:00

A real honest relationship will require vulnerability and closeness.

If you know you can’t handle that with others, please spend time alone to figure that out and work on yourself.

Dating around can also be seen as a form of therapy. What triggers you? What makes you feel weird? What do you like and don’t like?

Sometimes we don’t know we are avoidant until we see it in a relationship, and sometimes a particular person who is clingy can make us feel avoidant. You might cause more heartache with others and yourself if you don’t tackle it, but acknowledging that this may be an issue is big!

How can you learn to be more vulnerable and close with yourself? How can you be real and honest with yourself? You can accept you won’t be lovey dovey or mega affectionate, but you can say that you need more time, are slower to get to know, that you need X, Y, Z.

But really, you need to be able to give this to yourself first. And that is scary. But it’s ok, and it very worthwhile to explore so you can be with someone who will love you just as you are.

Halofriend101 · 2020-10-06T00:29:44+00:00

therapy sis

Title	How to go about dating as an avoidant type?
Author	honestlyidkfr
Upvotes	72
Comments	19
Date	October 5, 2020 5:49 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/j5o5n0/how_to_go_about_dating_as_an_avoidant_type/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-go-about-dating-as-an-avoidant-type.314817 https://theredarchive.com/post/314817

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