So as the title says I used to identify as aroace, I identified with the term myself after noticing my lack of desire to date men, were in reality for a long time since childhood I've been so put off on the inside by everything men did, though I didn't exactly treat men badly, I still saw them as my equals and still treated them normally.

I took the term aromantic after noticing how much I hated romance, I didn't know this was the embodiment of my disgust, to me it was like a stupid nonexistent fantasy, there's no way the love was real, though I thought I was only for judging women for a normal desire they have, my only explanation was there's something wrong with me that denies me from seeing any charm in it, so I searched found the term aromantic, and it made sense to me I would hate something I didn't understand.

I took the term asexual after noticing women around me getting excited after seeing a hot guy around, I didn't realize my lack of interest was deeply ingrained with how I was raised to view attraction and intimacy in general, since I lived in an extreme purity culture that even having a bf made you a "wh*re", and any form of physical intimacy including sex was this disgusting animalistic taboo subject, I thought people had sex only to have children, my parents have never been intimate besides an occasional hug in front of me, which made me believe that's true (i now realize my father hates my mother).

The only place I learned about sex was from the porn I came across, so the idea of attraction given to me was from a depraved man's pov, the objectifying kind, and I didn't want to look at another person in this way, whenever I looked at a guy I found good-looking I felt a strange uncomfortable emotion, like feeling subtly suffocated despite breathing normally a moment ago, i didn't pay much attention to this, and the term asexual gave me that explanation to why again I had no interest in another normal human desire.

It wasn't until I found fds that I came to know that I wanted a romantic relationship, I just didn't think I could ever be loved by a man, because nothing about them made me believe they have the ability to love women and only lusted after them. I also didn't have any way to vet a man to know if he wasn't "settling" for me, I was incredibly taken aback by the audacity and ego of these less than mediocre men that I didn't want to find anything appealing about them (how does it feel like to be rejected by my "ugly" inferior being?), and I never came across someone I was actually interested in romantically, I never looked in the first place because I was taught a LVM was "the best I can get" and "that's the way all men are", if that's what men are, then I don't want them.
Now, at last, I formed a healthy image of a good man with the help of fds.

Seeing the way women talk about sex here gave me a whole new perspective, I thought there was something wrong with me if I didn't want to be degraded while having sex, and I was slowly ridding of the purity mindset I grew up with, also I looked up porn that was specifically made for women and I was astonished by it, I've never seen anything like that before, and after watching it I couldn't get the desire to be held and looked at that affectionately out of my head.

I can feel attraction, but it's tied to romantic attraction as well, so it starts as really subtle and becomes nonexistent if I didn't like someone's personality, that's why I didn't believe I could feel it. after realizing this I felt broken and betrayed, but I'm glad I was able to recognize this and start healing, I didn't know I even had a problem before, I love you ladies for giving me the opportunity to do some self-reflection ❤️

Also if you can recommend some media I can consume to have more perspective of a healthy sexual and romantic relationship so I can replace the filth I've been consuming and rewire my brain again, I would be immensely grateful.