Is it unhealthy to approach all men within a dating context as potential predators as a was of staying alert and protecting oneself, instead of the alternative of seeing each man as innocent until proven guilty?

VaselineB · 2022-01-15T12:33:36+00:00

It's not about being super suspicious, but you don't want to be overly trusting or pressured into being nice. The words predator and guilty in this context are veering too far ahead, as you'd be making assumptions about the person, instead of properly vetting them/getting to know them. However, If you are getting tons of red flags, but can't figure out why, just block & delete. Don't second guess yourself. It's always wise to err on the side of caution though, and that goes for any relationship.

chainsawbobcat · 2022-01-15T14:11:45+00:00

Maybe instead of guilty until innocent, look at it as unworthy of my extra time love and attention until proven worthy. It is ENTIRELY possible to live a life where you treat men and women alike with dignity and respect, as a professional as a stranger, without actually giving your energy to anyone. I simply do this in the context of dating, I treat it like any other new person and reserve my energy until they're true intentions are clear. I think treating men like they could be a predator is giving more energy than I need to. I protect my personal information my energy and my physical self always, but that didn't mean I can't have a pleasant date. I'm not waking away like omgg is this the one??? Or omgg but he could be a creep!! Just, let them reveal themselves and go about my queen business.

Tbh I've got a knife in my car and in my purse when I'm out some but that was a practice I adopted when I was 18 and on my own. I've never had to use it on a person but it sure does come in handy sometimes! It helps with my own psychological safety. Personal information, your address your phone number your trauma history, new friends can be on a bed to know basis until trust has been established. The energy expenditure is the most personal one, therapy is really how you learn to "control" this. Our nervous systems can often run the show!

IndividualRoutine661 · 2022-01-15T11:31:44+00:00

Have you read the Handbook?

This is covered in the Handbook extensively. All men are to be vetted.

LonchuraStriata · 2022-01-15T12:13:03+00:00

Is it unhealthy to treat all snakes and mushrooms you don't recognize as potentially venomous/poisonous until you are 100% sure they are not (aka have done your research and "vetted" them)? Of course not, right? That's common sense. It has nothing to do with hating or discriminating against snakes or mushrooms. A mistake could cost you your health or even life after all.

Well, so could a mistake regarding men. And a lot more women are harmed and killed by men each day than by snakes or mushrooms. We'd call a person who pets an unknown snake or eats a random mushroom in the woods reckless or an idiot. But men? Nah, let's give them the benefit of the doubt because not hurting their feelings is far more important than our lifes right?

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-01-15T11:47:59+00:00

All men are guilty until proven innocent. This is the most prudent choice as statistics prove. Too many are predators of women and children, too many are devil's advocates and bystanders to abuse.

Novemberinthechair · 2022-01-15T11:49:30+00:00

Naw, it's not unhealthy. Remember, people devote a lot of time trying to gaslight women into ignoring the self preservation instincts they were born with.

anothernewyorklady · 2022-01-15T13:11:11+00:00

Scientific studies show that women have a higher need for safety than men do. There is also data that shows women’s brains detect danger and evoke fear responses much more readily and to a larger extent than do male brains. Lastly, women are more likely to be physically assaulted by men, particularly by men they are close to relationally. So, all around, your need for safety is greater than a man’s and he should be keenly aware of that difference and accommodate it.

Funny timing - I just listened to this podcast that went into detail about the differences men and women have for safety (link below). One caveat, the host talks about women being cognizant of the “stories they tell themselves” about their own safety in a way that sounded a little different from what FDS proposes, but the part about the data around women and how often we’re victimized by men is the helpful part:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/beyond-bitchy-mastering-the-art-of-boundaries/id1353157595?i=1000419140975

thelionmermaid · 2022-01-15T14:26:56+00:00

All men assume women are weak, submissive sandwichmakers until proven otherwise. So it’s only logical that we do the same🤷🏻‍♀️

melympia · 2022-01-15T12:49:27+00:00

If you seriously want to wait until he's proven guilty, chances are he proves himself guilty on you. So, especially at first, approach them as potential predators.

After you consider the vetting to be sufficient and you've seen enough green flags (and no red ones), you can go with the approach of "trust, but verify".

Once the verification process has shown you more green flags (and not a single red), you can eventually start to trust them to be innocent. However, trust cannot be freely given, trust must be earned.

Zeniite · 2022-01-15T14:01:00+00:00

Absolutely not. Listen to the most recent FDS podcast episode with the author of Why Does He Do That? as guest speaker. It’s really eye opening

Colour_riot · 2022-01-15T14:21:42+00:00

I'd approach all men, even those outside a dating context like that.

Nothing beats hearing a co-worker confess that about that time they could see the size of your breasts through your top + sweater. He then fully admitted to beating to it. I noticed that he kept staring but I was young and NAM (/s) right?

Dating context -> guilty until proven otherwise, but can always be guilty in an instant. The probability of sexual assault is way too high to assume the reverse

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-01-15T12:04:10+00:00

All men have the potential to be rapists. It’s self preservation to make them prove to you they’re not before you endanger yourself.

0tterpop · 2022-01-15T14:33:32+00:00

I think dangerous until proven safe is a more practical approach. Assuming otherwise is to ignore the realities of your lived experience.

goldaloe · 2022-01-15T12:27:07+00:00

This is honestly a really strange post. Even if it's almost synonymous, shouldn't we presume that someone is "not guilty" instead of "innocent"? You don't make any assumptions until you see the information you've gathered over time.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-01-15T12:34:23+00:00

I never assume every man is innocent and a good guy. I am always on high alert and always looking for red flags and warning signs, with every man. We can’t trust everyone we meet, they have to earn it, plus it’s just about safety in general.

Mcccy · 2022-01-15T14:41:18+00:00

I don't think it's that unhealthy, we don't live in a fantasy world and sadly being naive as a woman can get you k#lled

saint-jezebel · 2022-01-15T14:43:04+00:00

This how I see it: it takes a small amount of trust for me to even go on a date with a man, but even then he has to prove himself. He can be great or he can be not good, but he has to prove that. Why would I go out with a man I believe to be a predator when I had time to vet deciding on a date? Why would I assume a man is innocent because that’s rose colored glasses? In the end, something is established to get me there, but there’s nothing established to make me stay. He has to do that. Lack of is bye.

Golden_Lavender · 2022-01-15T14:46:12+00:00

Trust is earned, not given. To assume every person you meet as "innocent" is to assume the best out of their character unconditionally without any information about who they are prior. If you met a guy for the first time in person on a date of about 4 hours, you probably wouldn't create a joint savings account, take a vacation overseas or let him babysit a newborn child/younger cousin/sibling etc.. That's because you don't know him and naturally don't trust him.

People who feel entitled to your trust are predators and people who are offended at a person's apprehension are also predators. People who approach you with carefulness and apprehension is a green flag. You want to take a relationship slowly building a rapport with one another. You are both strangers so you should both treat each other accordingly. There's a reason why people say that a person who tries to force connections with others by telling them extremely personal information about themselves early on in a relationship is a red flags for potential emotional abuse. You cannot rush connection.

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