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cachecowgirl
[–]thewetdog_FDS Disciple94 points95 points96 points 6 years ago* (9 children) | Copy Link
11 years? *Openly admitting you’re not in love?
Boyfriend quite possible could be gay and girlfriend may be just the beard 👀
Imagine a straight man staying in a monogamous relationship when they have admittedly lost feelings several times? Lost the spark?
[–]cachecowgirlFDS Newbie[S] 70 points71 points72 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
There was another quote in the article I should've included: "If you're having a crappy time most of the time, that's not a reason to break up." Like, what? I'd hate to know what she thinks is a good reason to break up 😂
[–]SibyllineSiren37 points38 points39 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
This sounds like one of those people who defines their entire life by the relationship they're in and they think you're only successful in life if you're in a relationship.
She sounds terrified of being single, so she'd rather make excuses for staying in an unhappy in a relationship than spend even one second being single.
It's sort of sad...
[–]JoanHollowayWannabeFDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Honestly, I understand that mentality. Its taken therapy (and this glorious FDS community, bless y'all) to even begin to move past it. Once, after a break-up, I told my mom "I just don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. I feel purposeless."
She nearly stopped the car and started almost-screaming at me, not out of anger but just heartbreak. She's sacrificed so much for me to have a life she couldn't have even dreamed of. I've lived abroad, traveled to at least a dozen countries, graduated from a top 10 university, had plenty of professional opportunities, enough savings to fuck off for 2 years and STILL pay our house's mortgage, and many long-term friends who looked after my needy ass self and did their best to build me up.
Yet, here I was with self-esteem so low I couldn't function and felt empty inside. I genuinely thought if I wasn't in a relationship, none of it mattered. I cannot tell you how pervasive that feeling was - or how dangerous. Thank baby Jesus I was never with an abuser, but I absolutely lived and died by my partners' approval, happiness, and/or mood. All it would've taken is one shitty guy to exploit that to its worst manifestation.
May she start her journey to healing soon!
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanFDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh wow this is so sad to read and resonates with me so much. I think I’ve slipped back into that way of thinking and living. I’m so glad I found this community and starting to see a new therapist too.
[+][deleted] 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
[removed]
[–]gursky0FDS Apprentice7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
My ex's friend has been leading on his forever girlfriend for a literal decade. They're cowards.
[–]7_0f_9FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think a lot of them are just waiting for their pickmes to dump them so they don't have to feel like the villain and can whine and complain to their friends about their "evil ex". I've had guys intentionally act as bad as possible to get me to dump them and often (in my pickme days) it didn't work. I knew what they were doing so i detached and waited on them to give the breakup speech.
[–]gursky0FDS Apprentice3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Typical LVM, avoiding any kind of responsibility.
[–]Parking-ActFDS Disciple51 points52 points53 points 6 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
That is truly sad! I was reading a post someone made about their husband being mean to them when angry and doing typical pathological cluster b behaviors and many were shouting "marriage counseling" at them while Im just thinking leave him , kick him out! I think many women are waking up to atrocious men. But sadly, many are enduring horrible relationships for years they can never get back because of "love" and "relationships take work" tropes.
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist32 points33 points34 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I had my first genuine abusive relationship two years ago. When I finally decided to leave, I started describing it to people as an abusive relationship. Their first question every time was "oh, did he hit you?" No, not exactly, but he got a little rough "joking" a couple times. One time really injured me because he dropped me on purpose. He was VERY mentally and verbally abusive though. The same people told me "he's a nice guy, you two just aren't a good fit". Riiiiiiiiiight. Thankfully he proved himself over and over to them that he is in fact, NOT a nice guy. They admitted that to me, but still insist he gets invited to big group get togethers.
[–]cachecowgirlFDS Newbie[S] 18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yikes. I wish more people would realize that there are many ways of being abusive. So glad you were able to leave and that's messed up that he's still included.
[–]buffysummerrsFDS Newbie17 points18 points19 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Why are girls LIKE that? What IS that?
“Oh he seems nice to me.” “Give him a chance.” “Well he looks fine.”
Who the fuck cares if he seems nice to you. Wow you talked to him for 4 seconds of your life when he was on his best behavior. Guess what I also could also be a piece of crap to someone behind closed doors and pretend to be a nice sweet person to everyone else. That’s how MOST abusive relationships are. Are these idiots who say “Oh but he seems nice to ME?” braindead people? Do they lack intuition?
[–]1Here4BachFDS STRATEGY COACH45 points46 points47 points 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
I stopped reading after I saw “boyfriend” and “11 years” in the same sentence.
[–]perhapsbutnottodayFDS Disciple16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A forever girlfriend trying to raise an army of equally miserable women who won’t quit relationships when they should.
Way to ruin a good book by associating it with holding on to a LVM!
[–]AigonorusFDS Apprentice25 points26 points27 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He never loved her to begin with.
11 years no ring in sight. Wow!
It takes a special strain of virus to infect people's brains with this level of pickmesha and LVM behaviour
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie28 points29 points30 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
That Gottman book is a good one, but any relationship book only works in a genuine partnership. No book is going to help if you have a non-committal man baby or worse, an abusive partner.
[–]raiu86FDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agreed. The Gottmans are great. Their stuff can make you a better boss/coworker/friend/parent, not just a better SO.
[–][deleted] 19 points20 points21 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately I have a strong suspicion that the majority of relationship self-help books are purchased by Pickme women trying to figure out how to keep the situationship going with her LVM.
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yep and there’s a whole book specifically for that. I sadly know because I fell into that trap. The book made sense if you didn’t think too hard or look too deep. Respect your husband, don’t nag, etc... but once I joined the connected fb group and saw it was a bunch of abused women trying to magically have a wonderful relationship I was like holy Fuck. Not only is it wrong it’s reckless and dangerous.
The mods would delete any comments of dissent or urges to divorce too so it was a giant echo chamber of “just be a perfect wife and your husband will become Prince Charming.”
It was seriously sick. I wanted to tell so many of those women they were being abused and nothing they did would make their husbands not be shits but it would have been deleted anyway so I just left for my sanity.
[–]bloompthFDS Newbie31 points32 points33 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
People really dont understand that love is less about feelings and more about actions and choices, especially since our culture conflates love and infatuation. I've fallen "out of love" with my husband before but that's because true love for a person is not something you can just fall into. He truly is my world and fluctuating infatuation (which is affected by anything from having a bad day to where I am in my cycle) has nothing to do with our bond.
I say all this in the hopes that this is what the author is talking about. But still: lol @ 11 year boyfriend.
[–]extraacct1234Ruthless Strategist9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This sounds like fun 🙃
[–]ScotsburdFDS Disciple18 points19 points20 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ah, the forever girlfriend's guide to low self esteem...
[+][deleted] 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Poe's Law got us all tripped up 😔
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Even as someone who believes that good relationships can hit rough patches and recover this really makes me feel ill. 11 years of being someone’s girlfriend and “I don’t love him” isn’t a reason to leave? That is for when you’re dealing with postpartum depression/dying parents/cancer/layoffs and need to remind yourself that you’re in it for the long haul. It’s not for when your bf can’t get his head out of his butt long enough to decide whether or not he wants to marry you and resorts to lying on the couch drinking beer playing vids every night so he doesn’t have to talk to you about it.
[–]buffysummerrsFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Um, it is when you don’t want to have sex with them, when you don’t feel anything when they walk in the door. Also, did this book ever ask WHY you fell out of love? Maybe he’s a LVM type of guy and you realized he sucks at life.
I don’t even know why I need to explain myself. I don’t need to explain why I hate Brussels sprouts either or why I like cats over dogs. You either feel something or you don’t. There is no grey area... that’s called friendship.
[–]7_0f_9FDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
What fresh new hell is this lol
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[–]thewetdog_FDS Disciple94 points95 points96 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]cachecowgirlFDS Newbie[S] 70 points71 points72 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]SibyllineSiren37 points38 points39 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]JoanHollowayWannabeFDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanFDS Disciple3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (3 children) | Copy Link
[removed]
[–]gursky0FDS Apprentice7 points8 points9 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]7_0f_9FDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]gursky0FDS Apprentice3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Parking-ActFDS Disciple51 points52 points53 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist32 points33 points34 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]cachecowgirlFDS Newbie[S] 18 points19 points20 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]buffysummerrsFDS Newbie17 points18 points19 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]1Here4BachFDS STRATEGY COACH45 points46 points47 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]perhapsbutnottodayFDS Disciple16 points17 points18 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]AigonorusFDS Apprentice25 points26 points27 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie28 points29 points30 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]raiu86FDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 19 points20 points21 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]timetofliptablesFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]bloompthFDS Newbie31 points32 points33 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]extraacct1234Ruthless Strategist9 points10 points11 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ScotsburdFDS Disciple18 points19 points20 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[+][deleted] (1 child) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]MagicAte_8FDS Disciple4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]buffysummerrsFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]7_0f_9FDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link