A few years back, I was in 2 bad relationships with men back to back. I was massively taken advantage of in both of these relationships and it left me feeling completely defeated and physically and mentally drained.

I had some issues because of childhood abuse and codependency, but I was also operating from the misguided belief that men and women largely respond to being helped in the same way.

In my relationships, I often took on the role of the "Fixer" that I'm sure many of you are familiar with. I had no real attraction to the men I was in relationships with, I was mainly with them due to a combination of pity and very low self esteem.

Whatever the issue, I would "take care" of all of it, it started off with just polite offers to help them with something, it ended with me being a full time nurse, chef, maid, escort service, administrator, job coach, life coach, therapist, etc. I did this because I thought 'This is what you do for a partner, I would be grateful for the same if I were in their shoes'

It started to affect me mentally, I've always had a fairly strong sense of identity, this started to change. I felt like I didn't know who I was, just a provider of services for a partner who barely noticed or acknowledged how much I was doing for them. A faceless, nameless, slave. A background character that no one cared about. My career and life starting suffering as a result.

One day, I remember crying in front of my ex and saying 'I feel like if I died from exhaustion, you'd just step over my body and go out to look for my replacement' he didn't respond beyond shrugging.

What surprised me most though, is how the more things I volunteered to do for them, the more hostile and hateful they seemed to become towards me over time. This made no sense to me as women for the most part, have always been grateful and kind when I helped them. I've always been grateful and happy when people have been nice enough to help me too.

The attitude changed from 'Thank you for the advice about my resumé to 'Why haven't you written my resumé yet?!' the more I did for them, the more the entitlement and bitterness grew.

Lots of men get their sense of masculinity from 'Dominating' and being 'above' women, be it intellectually, financially or otherwise. Applying for jobs for them, calling their doctor for them, you think you're helping, but you're actually attacking their ego and sense of masculine pride. You doing things for him (ESPECIALLY career/financial things) is confirmation that he is incapable of doing it for himself, hence the massive illogical resentment and anger towards you.

This also applies to offering to pay on dates (implying he's not capable of providing). If you give to him in exchange for nothing/little, it doesn't make him appreciate you, it makes him devalue you.

Of course not all men are like this, but do you really want to take that risk given how serious and life altering the consequences can be?

After I dumped my last ex, I reflected on the relationships, mistakes I made and why I put up with such poor treatment. I began researching, reading books, reading stuff online and started to piece together what had happened and the consequences of being a 'Nice girl' with no boundaries with men.

Due to the damage my exes inflicted on my mind/body/finances/health, my entire life had been derailed. I was thousands in debt, had no job, was in poor physical and mental health, didn't trust anyone and felt devastated that I'd wasted years of my life on them.

I made the decision to take all that energy and desire to help/do good and direct it towards my self and my own life instead.

The results have been astonishing.

I cleared my debt, got MULTIPLE jobs, got a job at a very competitive firm, went from unemployed to earning $82k in a YEAR, my physical health is the best it's ever been, I'm actively working on my mental health now.

I'm only in my mid 20's and I couldn't be more excited and hopeful about the future now.

If you'd like more posts/info about my story, please let me know in the comments!

TL/DR: Doing things for men is you investing your time energy into them in hopes that it is appreciated/reciprocated. This is rarely the case and often backfires leading to the men resenting and devaluing you. Focusing that energy on yourself is a much better investment.