Only moving in together after getting engaged? Are we sure about this?

Lurkinglarkspur · 2020-01-14T03:01:11+00:00

Having lived through the "only living together after marriage" parade thanks to my parents' religious mania, NEVER AGAIN. My wasband is by all accounts a decent man and now years later we're on amiable terms- but we should have NEVER married. Our cleanliness standards, willingness to plan, even how we liked to spend leisure time were so opposed that if we had been able to spend even two full weeks living together before tying the knot I'd have never accepted his proposal. Less than a month into our marriage I found myself on my knees trying to scrub his piss out of the floor and I nearly walked out that day. My mental health couldn't take the absolute chaos he spawned just walking through the front door, much less the state of hellish grime he created just over the course of working from home a few days a week. I never saw that before we got married- turns out his grad school roommates would pitch in and do a group house clean when I would come over. No way am I ever allowing myself to be duped like that again. Marriage is an absolute trap unless it's to an exceptional man.

VelvetKnuckleduster · 2020-01-14T00:02:59+00:00

I think it's important to remember that a ring isn't the only way of measuring commitment. The time and energy that a man spends paying attention to you, fulfilling your emotional needs, and supporting your personal growth also shows commitment, and when you measure it that way there are boyfriends who are more committed to their girlfriends than a lot of husbands are to their wives. A ring won't save you from becoming a blowjob maid and choosing not to get married or to wait several years won't doom you to it.

blackopium777 · 2020-01-13T22:29:38+00:00

In my honest opinion, I would only be sure about engagement/marriage after living together for at least a year. There are obviously downsides of this aswell, but personally I dont trust a male who proposes too early in a relationship. I want to be sure that he will not treat me like a maid before I decide to marry him.

circescircus · 2020-01-14T04:12:50+00:00

I moved in with my fiancee after engagement, and I do think it is a good strategy in many/most cases.

Men are just too eager to play house and waste a woman's time. You can really separate the wheat from the chaff by only moving in together after engagement. It's really risky otherwise.

Most engagements seem to be at least 6 months long. Where I live, the average is 1-2 years. The standard lease is 1 year long. It's not like people get engaged and are married a few weeks later. Generally, it takes at least several months to plan and organize a wedding. People even take their time with elopements and 2-10 person weddings, since weddings these days are productions and take time to plan.

You can break up the engagement, if living together proves to be a disaster, or if you find red flags.

Even if you booked venues-- I'd rather lose a deposit vs marrying the wrong person. I'd also rather lose a deposit vs losing time.

Your point of view is valid-- nothing is a guarantee. But I'd say that moving in together without even discussing life goals, is a lot worse and much more common than moving in after getting engaged with dates and everything set.. So many women get taken advantage of because they assume that there will be a natural trajectory, that they'll achieve relationship milestones in time, when none of that is true at all.

I don't think you need to go as far as to have venues booked when you sign a lease together-- but at least have a ring, an announcement, family and friends asking when the wedding will be, etc. Not some BS "we're talking about it" thing.

jalapenopancakes · 2020-01-13T23:27:23+00:00

All you need to do is show up unannounced once to his place. What’s the state of his home? If it’s a neck beard nest complete with piss bottles, you have your answer. Going on a week long vacation with him is also a great test.

I would much rather establish his commitment to me and be absolutely sure that he’s wanting marriage (while having to know slightly less about his habits) than possibly risk getting into a forever girlfriend scenario. I didn’t intend to wait this long but the difference in time between my marriage and moving in together was about a week. None of his habits surprised me years later.

luna_kuma · 2020-01-13T23:10:02+00:00

Ok, I can take this one step further: How is it a good idea to marry a man when you don't know how he will behave after a kid is born? Should you then have a baby with him first before agreeing to marry to him?

See how nonsensical this can get? The truth of the matter is that: you don't know. There is no guarantee that your seemingly HVM will not one day flip the switch on you. That is why the core of FDS is to always be able to walk away. Doesn't matter if you just* started dating, engaged with venue deposits down, or married for 10 years with kids.

janeaustenfan99 · 2020-01-14T17:50:25+00:00

I agree. This is how I learned myself and my ex should not get engaged as he was discussing. It's the only way to truly know someone.

rftw2013 · 2020-01-14T04:20:53+00:00

I'll never again move in without a ring and a wedding date set.

If you move in, now he has license to waste your time. You can't date anyone else, because he knows your comings and goings. You DEFINITELY will do more house work and wife shit. He gets a wife without the commitment. What do you get?

No man is getting that from me, unless he wants to wife me. Until then, I'll keep my own household and do exactly as I please, when it pleases me, and with whom I please.

9penguin · 2020-01-14T09:56:47+00:00

Cohabiting is marriage without the cost, it makes the man comfortable to drop his defense down and show you his true self. If he's a slob you'll know, if he's abusive, he'll start, every his flaws will be visible on the spotlight when you live together. Even the biggest liar and conman will be exposed, that's why I think women should definitely cohabit before marriage.

Now, I don't suggest cohabiting when the man is clearly not HVM. Men who want to cohabit to split rent and bills? Men who want to move in but don't even want exclusivity? Men who want to know where you live after first date? Shut that shit down. Only cohabit when you're comfortable enough to be with him longterm. Cohabiting is also not for the woman who is weak to pressure, still have pick me behavior or afraid to be alone.

Any woman cohabiting MUST be able to do one thing : Kick him out/get out when he fails to pull weight OR start to abuse/take advantage of you. As long as you can do that, it doesn't matter when you live together with him, even early on the relationship. Sooner is good for women with firm boundaries, you won't really know your guy until you've lived with him. Don't marry a man who won't pull their weight, if he's a slob and expect you to do housework and mommy him when you live with him, he'll not suddenly change after marriage. Drop and block.

Edit: I forgot to mention cohabiting is useful to women mostly to know his real self and how your marriage life would be. It's the best tool women have to reveal his true self, so only use it for men you want to marry. There's a case where you're completely satisfied with him but you cohabit for too long and the man got comfortable to bother marrying you. If that's the case, separate and tell him you'll only live together again after marriage. Try not to cohabit for more than 1 year.

ThunderofHipHippos · 2020-01-14T22:53:43+00:00

I wanted a trial run, but on my terms and with my security prioritized, not his.

My lease, my apartment, my rules. He can put some stuff in an entry closet, pay half the rent, and stay over pretty often so I get a sense of extended time with him. But I get final say in all decisions relating to the place since it is MINE, not his.

If he messes up or fails to propose by my deadline, he ends up homeless. I still have my gorgeous apartment AND I gain a closet. I lose nothing and my life stays stable.

Not everyone's cup of tea, but works for me!

thewetdog_ · 2020-01-13T22:42:11+00:00

I don’t think not living with someone classified as only seeing their good side. Otherwise people would never break up and never get sick of each other’s shit until after they were married and living together!

I think the best way to smoke someone out is with time, as in not rush into marriage, not let yourself get lovebombed.

Fight with the guy. Get into a screaming match with him once or twice in a year or two year long relationship. Let him show his true colors. The good, the wonderful, the bad, and the ugly. The only way to do this I believe is with time.

I think people can hold it together and hide their flaws not geographically as in they can do it so long as you don’t sleep in the same house together, but temporarily, because everybody cracks in a ltr.

Time reveals everything and if you take your time you can know if this is the hvm for you, virtues and flaws.

derpinat_butter · 2020-01-14T15:44:59+00:00

I also don't rush to marry my bf and we live together. I want to date him sone more and also we are both kinda young (24 & 26).

Scotsburd · 2020-01-14T16:56:49+00:00

I got the ring and the wedding booked before he got the privilege of my presence in his home. I'd spent plenty of time there, no nasty surprises. Even after the wedding I have always been prepared to walk if need be. Not happened yet, but it could. Never get complacent, always have an escape plan.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-01-14T10:09:49+00:00

My stance on this is to move in with talks of an engagement. I will only move in with someone I know I want to marry. I am not wasting time and money moving all my shit into an apartment to then break up and move out.

When I move in with someone I’d want an engagement within the year.

And to address your point about not knowing how the guy will be in the household: I agree. However, if you’ve dated for long enough, slept over at this house etc, you should have an idea of what he’s like. Does he make you dinner or does he order in? Is he messy? Does he ever clean his own apartment? If you’re dating a guy who’s a mess, don’t expect him to all of a sudden not be messy when living together. This is why messiness is a large dealbreaker - I don’t want to marry and live with someone messy.

Also, in my experience, at a certain point in the relationship you could spend a lot of time at the guys place. Some weeks I would sleep over at my ex’s place for 4 nights in a row. That, plus travelling, would tell you everything you need to know about the guy before moving in together. Obviously there will still be surprises after the move in, but they won’t be as large and scary if you’ve spent proper time with the guy beforehand.

Title	Only moving in together after getting engaged? Are we sure about this?
Author	Silky_Goldfish
Upvotes	64
Comments	51
Date	January 13, 2020 10:21 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eobh10/only_moving_in_together_after_getting_engaged_are/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/only-moving-in-together-after-getting-engaged-are.684877 https://theredarchive.com/post/684877

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