Pre-nups

ExistentialJelly · 2021-10-16T14:01:10+00:00

Pre-nups are a good way of protecting people. But it has to be planned with a fine tooth comb. My aunt's divorce opened my eyes to a lot of flaws in not protecting oneself.

Assets that predate the marriage are not to be split in the case of divorce.

Assets acquired after marriage are to be split depending on other clauses.

If there is a stay at home partner, x-amount of money only they have account access to needs to be made with regularly paid installments.

While stay at home spouses won't be working, measures need to be taken to ensure their credit is on good, active standing so that they aren't screwed out of surviving in case of divorce.

Infidelity loses you a 50% division of assets and the cheated on partner acquires the majority. It also loses them the house and they can kindly eff off to the nearest Motel 6.

There should be a laziness clause too... but don't know how it would go. Like of there is no division of labour in the house and one person is doing all the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing.

thewetdog_ · 2021-10-16T18:17:34+00:00

The biggest protection a woman can have within and after a marriage is not a prenup or a post up but her own separate means of generating income ie. a job.

Men on the internet love to complain about divorce rape and how women get half of everything but if this were true, would there be so many struggling divorced mothers?

Consider that if you have a prenup/postnup there are men out there who would rather hire a hitman to kill you rather than pay you a single penny. You have no way of knowing if the man you married is that kind of man.

I know it would be amazing to spend your days with your adoring husband and hilarious kids and feel protected to leave if he fucks up but a prenup won’t give you perfect protection. You’re not your husbands child either- the law doesn’t require him to support you after divorce.

Do you have a degree? Are you capable of working and maintaining a dignified productive lifestyle (even if it decreases on luxuries and enjoyment)? You will be on your own.

By all means get a prenup if it works for you.

But do not make the mistake of thinking a prenup is your biggest protection because it’s not.

gingerandlime · 2021-10-16T12:56:15+00:00

My thinking on prenups is this: two people who care about each other in this moment enough to get married should want each other’s financial future to be as safe as possible, and a prenup is one part of that.

The way I think of it is that both parties are saying: in case I turn out to be a very different person than you see me as now, at least the financial impact on you will be mitigated by this agreement we have in place. And I think between self aware, caring, realistic people, that’s not a lot to ask. There are different ways of going about it, but to me that should be the goal of the document.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-10-16T10:20:51+00:00

I am very much in favour of them to protect the woman's financial interests.

Whether you are the high earner (protect the results of literal decades of work to get you where you are) or low earner (obvious reasons here; you're even more vulnerable), you need to consult one hell of a lawyer before you make ANY commitments to a man. I don't care if it's marriage, or moving in together, or buying a house together, act like there's a nasty divorce coming 10 years down the line and prepare just in case. An HVM would understand that the odds are stacked against women in this society, and would support you in looking out for yourself.

When a man mentions a prenup however, it's a red flag. I often hear prenups brought up in the context of the man being the high earner, and the women essentially signing away her rights if anything goes wrong, while often agreeing to play the role of a SAHM. This is absolute peak clownery, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to acknowledge it will end badly for her.

I've got a PhD. I finished medical school. I make a very comfortable living, don't want children, and would only consider a relationship that entails living separately but enjoying each others company on dates. I used to want marriage, but over the years my economic situation tipped such that it would only benefit the man (even more so than usual), because I am obscenely more successful than the vast majority of men.

But my point stands, women like me still need to ruthlessly protect their interests, just like women in financially very vulnerable situations need to ruthlessly protect their interests, because most men feel entitled to only take, and given the chance they will find a way to do that.

I feel strongly about this, and happen to have a VERY aggressive lawyer that I lend out to close girlfriends before they make these decisions. It's saved a few of them down the line, and REALLY kicked some LVM in the arse ;)

repurposedschleem · 2021-10-16T11:44:07+00:00

I have a very middling relationship with “pre-nup.”

My NVX wanted one. He was a welder making 50k a year, with a savings account of like 20k (big deal when you’re 24) and I was a freshly graduated college student who put myself through school and was the first one to even go in my family. So while I had a good 50k job as well (also a big deal at age 21 when your parents never made more than 20-30k each and spent a good chunk of your life homeless), I had no real savings yet. When he brought up a pre-nup I felt insulted because if I were truly attempting to dig for gold, I think I could have done better than a…tradesman who I’d out-earn in just 2 years anyway. But also it made me feel like he was already expecting a divorce and he wanted to make sure I was fucked over.

So eventually he got over the idea. We lasted four years and he tried to see if he could get alimony because by the time we broke up, I was making 70k and he was topped out at 52k. Luckily for me, in my state “short term marriages” (less than ten years here), no one is entitled to anything unless they specifically agree. :)

Now, I’m in a relationship with a man and I make more than twice what he does. And I’m sure that the gap is only going to widen as I progress in my career and continue honing skills, while his industry is notorious for underpaying their skilled people. Him marrying me would absolutely be to his advantage, while I’d have a lot to lose if we were to make it 10 years.

So I guess that’s a long winded way of saying I’m in favor of them when the earning gap is enormous and the agreement protects a SAHM type as well as the powerhouse career women. But if the desire to have one comes from a man deluded enough to think you’re after his very modest means and he wants to ensure you’re left destitute…run away.

lvioletsnow · 2021-10-16T15:25:15+00:00

I'm in favor, but also understand they're easily and often broken when the disadvantaged one doesn't have a good lawyer during writing and dissolution. So, marriage is not always a good idea depending on the circumstances.

Like /u/hopeful_flounder93, the way my region's laws are written, along with some policies specific to certain accounts and tax laws, in the event of a divorce my (*hypothetical) husband would (potentially) be entitled for me to pay him alimony for the rest of his life.

Yes, even if he beats me. Even if he cheats. Even if he just up and bounces. The reverse is not true.

Edit: To clarify, I am not married. That would be not very smart of me.

randomgirl34861 · 2021-10-17T08:13:46+00:00

Hope for the best… but always plan for the worst. I’m not yet married, but I live with my boyfriend (which is a decision I thought long and hard about. I realized it was my best option, even if we do break up because he pays 80% of our rent and for most of my other expenses. This area we live in and our living situation are my safest option and allow me to save up the most money.)

We adopted a cat together. The shelter asked us if we wanted to register her microchip. My boyfriend said because she’s an indoor girl, we don’t need to load information into her chip (he’s never owned a cat and doesn’t understands how important it is to have that info on there) so I agreed…. Despite fully understanding how important putting the info on the chip is. That information is how you prove an animal is yours. The next day I called the shelter and paid to register the chip in my name. I have all her vet papers and receipts from all the stuff she has filed away and hidden. If anything goes down, that’s my cat. I’ve paid for everything she has, taken her to every wellness visit and my name is on that chip. Was it sneaky? Maybe a little? The lines are blurry for me at this point. But, if he acts right he will never even know I did these things so they shouldn’t concern him unless he has plans to act up.

I am the lower earned in my relationship and I’m pretty sure it will remain that way. I also know I will never be unfaithful… But, that’s all I know. I’m not sure if I’ll have one child, two or if I can even have them at all. So I’m not sure how I will go about this prenup situation. I worry that if I have one, it will protect him more (prenups generally seem devised to protect the higher earned). I’d really love to see a special thread or post on prenups for women who are the lower earners in their relationship.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-10-17T02:45:35+00:00

I agree with your take 100% -if he's not willing to compensate for you bearing children then he isn't worth marrying or carrying children for.

Also, I think women should only contribute maybe 10% (of your income) towards a shared account, keep the rest separate and use it as you like. He must bear the living expenses or how is he improving your life and proving he can handle providing for children?

sacchilax · 2021-10-16T16:27:52+00:00

I agree with you and your thoughts.

abirdofthesky · 2021-10-16T16:04:47+00:00

I’m going to go against the grain and say I’m generally not in favor of prenups except in a few specific circumstances, like when a spouse needs additional protections in addition to what the law provides - for instance, if a spouse is staying home to raise kids and should be entitled to extra support, or if an inheritance is mutually agreed upon to be the couple’s mutual retirement plan. Basically, they should only be used from a point of love and generosity in my mind.

For the vast majority of people though, prenups just aren’t necessary. Generally the law in most states/developed countries is pretty fair.

dkwantsdk · 2021-10-17T06:01:21+00:00

Think of it this way - you already have a prenup when marrying, it's your state's laws regarding marriage assets. Know what you're getting into.

thewetdog_ · 2021-10-16T13:17:03+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Pre-nups
Author	Educational_Pool_635
Upvotes	158
Comments	65
Date	October 16, 2021 9:55 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/q990mb/prenups/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/pre-nups.1079219 https://theredarchive.com/post/1079219

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