Queens, how do you maintain being an HVW friend when your friends are being pick-me’s?

CountingDownTheDays5 · 2021-10-04T15:17:06+00:00

As a HVW nobody around you should influence your ideals, hobbies, desires, wants. This is even if they share a space with you. Sometimes you cannot help people, but notify them of their actions and how it could harm them in the future is all you can do. It isn't your job to police people's actions.

CantoErgoSum · 2021-10-04T15:33:06+00:00

One of the traits of a HVW is that you are secure in your identity, your likes, your wants, and your needs, and you are not subject to the influence of others, especially pickmes. You should certainly express your concern for them, do it gently and firmly, and then step back. Another trait of a HVW is understanding that we are all adults and we are responsible for the consequences of our actions, including wasting time with LVM. It's hard to hide, but there's only so much you can do about it. I appreciate your concern for your friends; it's a good thing that you want to support them. Sometimes the best support is offering your concerns and stepping back. They've been told, it's their job to absorb the information.

LavenderBlossomBlue · 2021-10-04T15:27:43+00:00

It’s really hard for me to sit back and watch my friends. I give my advice when they ask for it. And don’t hang out with their LVM. And I’m here when they see the light. In the meantime, Now, I’m more selective of my friends.

candyfox84 · 2021-10-04T16:01:53+00:00

I don't give people advice unless they ask, just like I don't want their advice. Occassionally, when I need advice through a difficult patch at work or at home, I go to a deeply trusted source whom I solicit. This year I am turning 37. I have grown a lot this year for a variety of reasons and I had to cut off a few friends because I have less tolerance for certain things. You change a lot as you approach 40. Definitely lower threshold for any type of BS.

thatsmisswitchtoyou · 2021-10-04T15:27:20+00:00

Sometimes I find this difficult. My sister and I have become such good friends over the past few years, and we both tend to talk about FDS mindsets a lot. The problem is that she still seems to be a pick-me in real life application. For example: we talk about having high standards from all relationships, but she tolerates LVM as friends despite knowing and acknowledging they are LVM.

I definitely challenge her and feel I can be honest with her, but at the end of the day she will still make the choices she does until she has a real "a ha" moment. I think she gets stuck on the lonely part. She doesn't want to be alone because she hasn't found comfort in solitude. Anyway, with her I can be more vocal and upfront, and she seems to be catching up.

With some of my other friends.. I sort of accept some things while challenging other things in a slightly gentle way. I have tried to choose what hills to die on, and how to encourage them to remove the rose colored glasses. At the end of the day if they don't listen, I just stop wasting my breath. I wrote one off entirely this year because she waved a pick-me and LVW flag loud and proud at one point, and started a whole slew of drama I wasn't about to tolerate. My sanity is priority...

Anyway, not sure if that helps... but to sum up all of that: I have some friends who are worth being patient with, and some who were not.

jingks_ · 2021-10-04T16:04:58+00:00

I tried intervening as gently as possible with one of my pickme friends, but I might as well have been talking to a wall. She’s been going back and forth with her NVX and keeps getting hurt by his ongoing shitty behavior surprised pikachu.

I’ve had to mentally disconnect myself from the situation because I found myself feeling hurt and offended that she ignored my advice, when in actuality this has nothing to do with me. The choices she makes are entirely her own.

2021-10-04T18:47:40+00:00

I ask questions. In the past, I would just listen if a girlfriend was telling me about a LV guy she was dating. Now I ask questions and let them come to their own conclusion... "how did that make you feel?" "Why do you tolerate that behavior?" "Don't you feel disrespected?" "What are you getting from staying in this relationship?" "Do you think this is adding anything positive to your life?"

After a while they realize that you're not longer engaging in their LVM stories and stop sharing them. Or they start to realize that they could do better. If it becomes too much let those friends go.

vitryolic · 2021-10-04T20:40:28+00:00

Unfortunately in this day and age it’s difficult if not impossible to not have some Pick-me influence in our friendship/peer groups, since being a Pick-me is the default for a lot of women because of how society has socialised us. I’d start by keeping this in mind, and be realistic in the best you might do is reduce Pick-me influence rather than eliminate it.

I try to recognise my friends Pick-me behaviour and distance myself from situations where I know this behaviour will increase, for example drunk nights out where certain friends are trying to pull guys. On controversial topics, I’ll ask them questions and suggest what I would do, rather than openly critiquing them. Pick-mes don’t react well to being judged, since getting approval is their main motivation. I use the sandwich method (positive/negative/positive) to discuss difficult topics. But ultimately keep as much distance as you need to maintain your piece of mind.

xfelugirlx · 2021-10-04T17:03:32+00:00

Don’t let other influence your beliefs, you can try helping them but never insist if they don’t wanna do it they won’t

CandidKick · 2021-10-05T01:30:22+00:00

None of my close friends are pickme’s. I have a family member who picked a terrible man. I basically lift her up as much as possible, praise her for all of her accomplishments and show her how she should be treated by others, especially her spouse. Unfortunately, her spouse is an abusive NVM.

Whenever her spouse treats her badly, I show how normal people should react. When he insults her, I act shocked and tell her how amazing she is or that I could not imagine my own spouse pulling that crap. I have also told him off, call him out on the behavior others have normalized, etc. You can also try pointing out red flags so that, even if she blows off your concerns, she can’t help but start to notice them. Maybe not even talk about her LVM in particular, but something along the lines of ‘I would never date a man with red flags, such as X, Y and Z’. That way, she will start to notice X, Y and Z without feeling like she has to defend her LVM from you.

Since my husband is a HVM, I basically talk about all of the amazing things he does and how well he treats me. You can try this, too, if you know a HVM. What I have noticed is a lot of pickme’s or women who date NVM is that they were treated badly by men growing up and have low expectations for men. Raise those expectations for her. Show her the difference between who she is with and the type of man she could be with.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-10-04T19:07:31+00:00

I just voice my opinion when asked for one or casually say something like "that would be a deal breaker for me" without insisting they rethink their relationship. Any direct confrontation will only make them defensive for as long as they are wearing those rose-colored glasses.

I am also very honest if I don't like the guy and I say so. I've blocked my friend's boyfriends before and explained why, so there were no hurt feelings.

bubblegumsparkles · 2021-10-04T18:28:39+00:00

My little sister is a pick me and it sucks. I’m definitely interested in seeing responses to this, I showed her this sub but I don’t think it’s resonating.

SimplySharon1215 · 2021-10-04T20:54:14+00:00

My friend divorced her husband about 3 years ago and immediately began "dating" a guy she has known since high school. He lives in another state and will not come here to see her. Furthermore he has all of the negative traits of her ex-husband. It is so sad to see. She has not asked for my opinion, but when we are together she complains about him and I listen and try to respond by giving her advice and support. At the end of the day her philosophy is she would rather be with someone then alone. It breaks my heart because I see her personality changing and she seems miserable. Our friendship is not as strong as it once was because it has gotten to the point where I don't want her talking about him.

It's difficult because at the same time there is no support there for ME either- not dating, not planning on dating. Friendship is a 2 way street and I see this one ending.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2021-10-05T03:12:20+00:00

I give my two cents but distance myself when I get tired or they don’t want my input. Sometimes they will end up spending less time with me because of their boyfriends disliking me. But if their man gets too bothered by me, it can be a wakeup call for them at times. Like I have one friend who is a pickme due to her very low self-esteem, but after talking with me, she gets more confident and assertive of her wants and needs. She revealed to me that her boyfriend can always tell when she just finished talking with me and has commented on it. (“You must’ve been talking to Japanese_Lasagna,” in response to her asserting herself.) I just hope someday she leaves him.

gugalgirl · 2021-10-04T23:24:59+00:00

I have struggled with this in a few different friendships. I used to try to get them to see that the guy was trash, but it honestly just ruined one of my friendships. I realized that I felt two separate issues: one is disappointment that they aren't the woman I thought they were and the other is the desire for their own well-being.

For the first one, I think it really depends on the person. I have one friend I basically parted ways with because the disappointment was too bitter for me, but then with others maybe their pickme tendencies aren't as bad and I'm not as let down. It might not be the best answer, but I personally have a really hard time moving past it if someone really let's me down in their character.

For the second layer, I think the best way to help anyone change is to meet them where they are at and gently provide information or highlight their own contradictions where you can while maintaining trust and open communication. If you come out too strong they will feel ashamed and just hide it from you. I have a libfem friend that I desperately want to leave her lvm asshat of a bf, but I know I have to just be patient and help her realize how much he sucks over time. Since her real issue is low self-confidence, I just do my best to remind her of the what she really deserves and boost her sense of worth.

macabrasive · 2021-10-05T20:01:33+00:00

I don't anymore. It distracts me from my life and goals by taking the time out of my day to answer the phone to hear the same problems over and over again. I don't have patience.

Recently my old close friend's boyfriend was all over the news. He had attempted to run over three women (yes, she was one of them), and then crushed a police car - with her truck. He has no license, no ID. There was a manhunt for him for weeks. While this was happening, she was calling our mutual friends trying to find places to hide him out. This man has beaten her, has destroyed her self esteem and life, enabled her drinking and drug use, and almost two years ago gave her fentanyl when she was out of her mind and she overdosed and almost died.

I stopped answering the phone from her last year. I told her I'm exhausted with her life decisions and we're clearly not on the same path.

Platipus6 · 2021-10-04T22:32:50+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/or4znt/boundaries\_this\_is\_mine\_that\_is\_yours/

Noemie_Mathilde · 2021-10-05T05:21:06+00:00

Only provide simple fds advice like "be careful", "no need to rush into things"

t3ddi · 2021-10-06T00:30:34+00:00

I've stopped interacting with my Pick Me friends/best friend of over a decade, because by giving them air time, I have only enabled them to delay making the changes they already know they need to make as grown ass adults.

Title	Queens, how do you maintain being an HVW friend when your friends are being pick-me’s?
Author	firegirl110
Upvotes	189
Comments	24
Date	October 4, 2021 3:13 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/q17e4g/queens_how_do_you_maintain_being_an_hvw_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/queens-how-do-you-maintain-being-an-hvw-friend.1077541 https://theredarchive.com/post/1077541

Comments