Sexual issues in a HV relationship

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-11-29T23:00:29+00:00

I've felt similarly in terms of having been (at some level) traumatized from past sexual experiences as well as feeling used from sexual experiences. Even though my last ex was very gentle and caring, I still couldn't enjoy sex for a lot of the reasons you mentioned. What I'm doing now that has been helping is working on my sexuality on my own, without a man's involvement.

I read on this sub once that growing up as girls/women, our sexuality has been shaped a lot by men (via being groomed, preyed upon, told we need to do xyz, our first sexual encounters with men as opposed to ourselves, shame, etc.), whereas boys/men had their own freedom.

The book The Tragedy of Heterosexuality by Jane Ward has also really opened up my eyes and has helped me explore my own sexuality. Not totally sure if it will help you in this case, but wanted to throw it out there in case it resonates. Goodluck :)

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-11-29T21:15:23+00:00

You might check out the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She breaks down female sexuality in a new way (and points out that our sexuality has been reduced down to a lite version of men's when we work in totally different ways) and introduces a dual control model of sexual response, the accelerator and the brake, in which she describes that being aroused isn't just about being "turned on" (the accelerator) it's more about "turning off the offs" (the brakes).

I found myself highlighting entire pages and saying outloud "so that's what that was?" It's not some sex positive lib fem bs, it's actual data and lots of interviews with women presented in a way that helps you understand how your body specifically already works rather than trying to change it.

jkklfdasfhj · 2021-11-29T21:32:18+00:00

Sex therapist would really help dig into all the murky bits. They also have spoken to a lot of patients and have a good understanding of these kinds of issues. Wishing you all the best.

ultblue7 · 2021-11-30T00:27:41+00:00

Sorry you’re dealing with this and about those traumatic experiences. In addition to the great things others have posted, can I ask if you’re taking birth control? In my limited experience with it, my libido started tanking as well and its known to induce depressive symptoms. Im not really sure what a solution would be; just want to call your awareness to it if you are taking it. I don’t mean to discredit your past experiences either.

Frogspocket · 2021-11-30T00:25:38+00:00

Healing from trauma cant really be rushed, so therapy + time is really the best path forward.

In the meantime I would suggest meditation. You can search for things like tantric meditation and/or sexual healing meditation. Ideally try to commit to it for a few weeks, even if you feel silly doing it, because sometimes it takes a bit of time for it to click.

aeorimithros · 2021-11-30T16:14:46+00:00

I've noticed you've only engaged in 'quick fix' suggestions such as reading a book or checking on your birth control.

You need therapy and to process your past trauma. Your avoidance of acknowledging those suggestions makes this very clear. A healthy sex life is worth working in, put on your bravery pants and put in the work. That is what HVW do.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-11-30T00:28:10+00:00

It's been almost 10 years since I was raped. I've done toms of therapy. I'm finally starting to get past what you mention.

Do I have any advice? Maybe talk things over with your partner so he can assure you. I would not tell him about the abuse, but maybe make it general to women or ask for what you need. "Can you tell me how much you want to give me pleasure/orgasm?" "Women sometimes feel extra pressure during sex. Can you check in with me and ask how I'm doing?" "Can you ask me if I want to stop periodically?" All of this might help address your fears and discomfort and will also keep you grounded.

You could also tell him you want to stop and when he respects your wishes that might also help reassure you. Do this a few times. Women often feel they aren't allowed to stop. And after rape you feel men won't stop.

Good luck ❤️ It will get better with time too.

Waste-Win · 2021-11-30T16:05:38+00:00

You know constant bad sex experiences from the past can really mess you up, more than you could even notice. Therapy if you can afford it would do wonders.

overthinker4444 · 2021-12-03T17:43:28+00:00

I watched a while ago a video about different stages of intimacy. Intimacy can start days before the actual sex. For instance, "warming" each other up by making deep eye contact? But more to create a special bond between you two if you get what I mean. So not foreplay but creating a special bond before you start the actual sex. If someone knows what I mean please help. I don't remember the vid name or tiktoker.

riseaboveagain · 2021-11-30T00:03:53+00:00

This person might not be a good match for you if you are only a year into the relationship and you’re experiencing this sort of trouble. I’m sorry. 🧡

Title	Sexual issues in a HV relationship
Author	Squeakendorf
Upvotes	143
Comments	26
Date	November 29, 2021 9:04 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r55myw/sexual_issues_in_a_hv_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/sexual-issues-in-a-hv-relationship.1089653 https://theredarchive.com/post/1089653

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