Told "too intimidating"

2340000 · 2020-09-25T00:22:13+00:00

Girl! I have been there with LVM bosses who tell me I need to smile more, that I'm harsh, a maverick who "needs to know her place" etc...

My advice is to document every single interaction with him. I would not jeopardize your employment if you are new. HR is there to protect the organization, not you. When this happened to me, I spoke up because I also had a title IX claim against my boss. But I was swiftly gaslighted and fired.

I'm finally at a new job now, but it's best to keep a paper trail. Ask him through email how best you can work on his suggestions. Use his wording. Make him respond professionally so he knows you aren't about any crap.

Something off the top of my head : "Thank you so much for your feedback yesterday. I value my contribution in xyz organization and would like to remedy any issues you see. You mentioned that you have considered my professional etiquette to be xyz. How can I rectify this issue to best suit my clients?"...... Wait for an answer🤷

hypointellectual · 2020-09-25T00:22:03+00:00

Fuck that guy. Report him to HR.

Pengtingcalledme · 2020-09-25T00:37:27+00:00

Should've laughed in his face

anotherdamnloser · 2020-09-25T02:12:49+00:00

He is angry that a woman could be so good. He has no respect for women. He’s probably jealous of you as well. I’d most definitely have that documented with HR.

sqqwuuuirtling · 2020-09-25T00:45:42+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry. That's seriously some classic insecure man-boy transference non-sense. Even when I have worked with people who are not aware of how they're coming across, stressed etc, usually I would try to phrase it in a more tactful way and from a place of care. Especially since he works in mental health, again, big time ug and eye rolls.

Psych emergency wtf! I seriously doubt that you're going to be soooo intimidating to someone who's going to be working in a psych emergency environment. Dude needs to work on his soft skills.

Have you had other negative interactions with this person before? when I first read this I thought it was a coworker but since it's your boss that's more concerning.

This is 100% classic scared dude poor boundaries/fragility and blaming women for his feelings of inadequacy. I never really hear men calling other men intimidating. Have you? This is also such a classic sexist microaggression that it's almost cliche.

Despite being incensed responding to your post, I think it might be worth it to wait a little while and try to cool off. It really sucks when people are so sexist but also too dumb to realize how offensive they are being, and then they are your boss.

4E4ME · 2020-09-25T03:37:10+00:00

There's that great line - "it's not that you are intimidating, it's that he is intimidated ".

HR, absolutely. Early and often. Tell them you just want to do your job without the editorializing.

Keep being yourself.

TheLastUBender · 2020-09-25T04:00:44+00:00

I think they are looking for a reaction when they do this.

When my boss said (right after he hired me) that he had interesting feedback from coworkers before he hired me, that I was 'rough but well intentioned' and that I apparently "seem like I am more of a 'what can you do for me' type of person vs a 'what can I do for you' type of person" I literally said, "oh, that's interesting, I agree." Then got up and walked away confidently.

He never said a single word to me about any of this ever again.

(I was surprised myself that I reacted that way, but it shut him right up and we actually have a FANTASTIC relationship now).

th3n3w3ston3 · 2020-09-25T01:18:32+00:00

I'm so glad I have a job where I'm expected to be intimidating and anyone complaining will be swiftly exposed for the sexist they are.

apple_cores · 2020-09-25T03:52:30+00:00

Report him. And also I reply with “thank you” anytime someone calls me intimidating; I hope I fucking am.

2020-09-25T03:05:54+00:00

It sounds like it is vital to your job that you be at least somewhat intimidating. In stressful situations, leaders need to be confident and clear. Report his ass.

theawkwardalli · 2020-09-25T09:10:21+00:00

“Strong women scare weak men”

TheLastUBender · 2020-09-25T09:05:40+00:00

BS. That obviously would not have been his take if you were a man in the same position. The advice to document behaviour if necessary and get feedback in writing is good.

I think it comes down to whether you trust your employer to broadly have your back. I pick my battles and ignore a good deal of gendered BS coming my way in my male dominated workplace. But I can generally call people out if they cross the line. The most important thing is to not let them gaslight you into thinking you are at fault for existing as a woman in that space. Some of them are projecting their BS onto you and will back off if you ignore it.

Half_Halt · 2020-09-25T13:06:15+00:00

That's terrible. Sounds like your boss needs career counseling to help him a new line of work that is lower pressure. Clearly, he's unable to hack it in a busy clinical setting .

maznyk · 2020-09-25T15:56:02+00:00

Your expertise in your field and extensive medical knowledge is intimidating to the green new hires. Can’t you just play dumb this time so the new guys don’t feel unprepared and inadequate?

As if he would ever say that to a male colleague

hail_galaxar · 2020-09-25T14:53:01+00:00

Training a new hire. Ok. I can see that. They might be afraid to ask questions. But you absolutely need to be a boss lady when speaking to your other equal colleagues, like you know what you are doing. Do ask the man that said this if he would be having the same conversation if you were a man. It might be that you are so intelligent that even the other MDs don’t understand you. I have met more than one geneticist that could educate circles around me, but they were the most humble men/women I’ve ever met. It’s fine to educate as long as you are not talking down to them. If this is a matter of you being confident, then duck that noise. Does that make sense? I don’t know if this is a woman issue or a just, you are smarter than an everyone in the room issue. Are they saying you are to mean in your delivery or to smart. I honestly can’t tell from the context. I would talk to the person that approached you. New residents are often scared shitless on their first few days. Hopefully that made sense and I don’t get to many downvotes. I would phrase it like this, are you wanting me to change my personality and delivery or are you asking me to “dumb myself down”?) if he gets defensive then I would go above his head. Are they getting complaints from the new residents? Or is this a thing where the colleagues are jealous of you? If this conversation was coming from a woman would you still feel the same? If your gut is telling you that this is a sexist complaint, then yes go above his head. If this is a matter of you just saying, do any of you have any questions?, then yes, you can help educate the greenie residents. I wish My intellect was a “problem”. Mad respect for you sis.

N2Gen · 2020-09-25T16:44:14+00:00

What a fucking clown.

nat890 · 2020-09-25T14:04:55+00:00

You sound like a choleric temperament, which is an amazing personality trait to have. We often come across as intimidating to LVM or otherwise sensitive types, as we’re direct and to the point and don’t soften or sugar-coat things. The best advice I’ve been given for working with others is to imagine I’m a tai chi instructor instead of karate - aka be calm and supple in our directions while still achieving everything we want and need to. It gets the best outcomes without at all compromising your authority. Beyond that people just need to get over it.

vardebi · 2020-09-25T18:21:51+00:00

Document, document, document, as folks are saying above. You are not doing new hires any favors by "backing off" - they need to know what kind of intellectual chops are expected in their job. Encouragement is a great teaching tool, but I have never benefitted from being coddled as a new hire.

2020-09-25T19:07:52+00:00

OrchidLion · 2020-09-26T00:52:02+00:00

Bring it up. Why is YOUR intellect in particular off putting? Whats the reason? Like I need to know.

Play dumb fox and make them bumble around trying to put their misogyny into words.

unbelyevable · 2020-09-26T15:15:10+00:00

You should absolutely document everything that occurs with him from now on. As one of my mentors says, "Play chess, not checkers."

Title	Told "too intimidating"
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	237
Comments	28
Date	September 25, 2020 12:04 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iz8xqx/told_too_intimidating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/told-too-intimidating.1194927 https://theredarchive.com/post/1194927

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