I’m in a situation where I’m feeling a bit torn. Some context: I’m a mom to two, in the middle of a two year long divorce. I have primary custody. My ex lives out of state and we split because he cheated. Our entire marriage was emotionally abusive to me. I was the definition of a pick-me but since getting away, my spine has shined up and I’m much better at making decisions that are good for me. He provided but otherwise was a NVM. He could never let me feel good about myself and constantly threw temper tantrums that terrified me, stuff would get broken. He would undermine me with the kids too and parenting was a nightmare because nobody respected me. That’s finally improved because he’s no longer present everyday although he FaceTimes the kids every night.

The current situation is that he has a new gf who lives with him with her son. This started about a year ago and I have complicated feelings about it which are exacerbated by the fact that he took the kids to visit him and never told me about her. They told me about her when they FaceTimed me and they were clearly feeling very weird about it - like he pressured them to keep it from me but they told me anyways. They like her, she is apparently nice which is cool and great but being deceived about it from the start has just made me even more bitter and angry. She is basically there living with them being a mom to them when they are there.

Other things have happened which contribute to these feelings: -he visited in the fall and brought her with him and didn’t tell me, yet again the kids told me she was there after visiting with him -they visited him and we met 8 hours away from my home to exchange them and she wasn’t in the car but then the kids told me she was hiding out in McDonald’s -the issue is less that she exists and more that I’m really sick of the deception and disrespect. Also not telling me and having my young kids(6 and 8) cover for him isn’t good for them -last summer after they came back from visiting, he would FaceTime them and she would get involved - every night I had to hear her voice and it wasn’t good for me. I asked him to stop but he used that to taunt me. So I just told him that FaceTime is just for the kids and him and doesn’t involve extra people and if he had her get on and talk to them I’d let her know that. He hasn’t had her on since then. -for Christmas I had the kids and of course they wanted to FaceTime him, and he used that to ask me if she could talk to them “on Christmas bc it would mean so much to her she misses them” and I said no. The holidays were really hard for me and I was pretty depressed and him just asking really pissed me off. It was my time with them so why should I share it with her? She has no place in my holiday. -the kids don’t really care. They like her but aren’t actively missing her and wanting to talk to her. -I feel like she is really pushy trying to push her way into mine and the kids lives with a total lack of consideration and respect for me. Clearly he’s encouraging this but I just know if it was me, if I was dating somebody who had kids with an ex, I wouldn’t be so eager to step all over his ex’s toes. Also whenever they visit with her she dresses them up and fixes their hair different and to me it’s just more overstepping. -one time when me and him were discussing things about the kids on FaceTime, I could hear her offscreen telling him to “just hang up” over and over again. Clearly uncomfortable with him talking to me for whatever reason. Could be because it usually gets him riled up but still that is not her place. -he owns a house and is housing her and her son while me and his own daughters are stuck living with my parents until this expensive divorce is finalized. He is in the military and gets extra money for housing to house US but he’s using it to house someone else while we are still married.

I have mixed support over this. On one hand I feel like I’m just protecting myself and not showing respect and consideration in a situation where they have shown no respect or consideration for me.

Some of my friends and family think I should just accept her and cooperate with what he wants for the kids sake, and on the other hand I’m not preventing her from being in their lives - just limiting how contact with her affects MY life.

So my question is, how would a HVW handle this? I feel like allowing her to push her way in would make me feel like a doormat but but I’m obviously still really bitter and biased so maybe I’m not being reasonable here? I think I am but what do you think? How can I honor my own feelings and protect myself emotionally if I give in and accept her into our daily lives, into my home and space like he wants me to?