FR/ interesting phenom

FireTempered · 2017-03-14T14:27:59+00:00

As she was packing, I felt that same old inner dread I always felt before. What will I do without her? What will the kids do? What will the neighbors/ family/ friends think? etc etc. My hamster was spinning.

This is exactly what she wanted. It has always worked in the past.

I felt the fear but it was not a paralyzing fear this time. I did not try to engage her, talk her out it like I did many times before I unplugged. Did not turn it into an all night fight. I told myself to hold fast, and I did. I let her hamster run free and I slept ok.

This is the progress you have been working so hard for. Ending the fighting, ending the butt-hurt, ending the covert contracts. Its is a big job and I see progress here. Keep at it and you will get better and she is gonna keep flipping out until she decides to quit. Her behavior, is not under your control.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Keep biting... Best

SampsonBrass · 2017-03-14T13:16:31+00:00

Something missing from your narrative between Friday night and Sunday? I'd bet on it. If I weren't a retiree on a fixed income.

LewisCross · 2017-03-14T13:27:56+00:00

Your wife has learned over the years to use drama and grandiose gestures to manipulate you and get you to do what she wants. Because it works. Or it has worked on you in the past. That's why she's done this "tantrum/pack bag/it's over routine many times before".

I would have said it's because she feels the relationship possibly ending, so she's throwing the tantrum and leaving, but you've said she's done this before frequently, so I think it's more that she is playing drama queen extraordinaire.

And it works on you. Internally, you're still feeling the same things she wants you to feel - dread, foreboding, what will others think, what will I do without her, etc. You need to get to the place where her leaving won't matter. That no matter what she does, you'll be OK. When you get there, then you'll feel much better.

bogeyd6 · 2017-03-14T13:26:07+00:00

Going to go ahead and disagree with /u/ReddJive . Feeding that comfort test of "packing bags and leaving" leads to more of the same. It's an old trick and it's served her very well in the past. If it happens again and she has no money for a hotel room I would tell her "I'm leaving $500 in the mailbox, have a good life". She wants to walk? Let her walk.

Can agree with the whole lead and train thing. Had the same problems in the beginning. I canceled her participation in everything and yeah she felt like an outsider. The problems that came with it, ugh. Difference was I was a bit farther along. She asked for participation and I allowed a few here and there. Like a child there were problems that came with her "learning" my way. Eventually she worked her way back in. OP's wife is not willing to work her way back in, and instead just lashes out.

In short, I was attractive to my wife, and OP isn't.

innominating · 2017-03-14T13:25:22+00:00

Do you form covert contract when you are nice to her? Does she perceive a covert contract when you are nice to her?

Where is she on her cycle?

mrpthrowa · 2017-03-14T13:31:39+00:00

You handled it again, but you were acting constipated around the PC, just make light of it, like you'd walk a dumb colleague from HR - friendly but not telling them they are dumb in the face. If she acts up, look at her with bemusement and move on. She'll come back.

On the whole packing up and leaving? she'll stop it when she sees it isn't effective. It's a desperate attempt at a frame grab.

addictedtoyourface · 2017-03-14T17:45:26+00:00

You ever play ball with a kid, and the kid got mad and said, "I don't like you guys" and took his ball and left? I always thought that kid was a dick. But then I found the red pill. Now, I'm that kid. It's my ball and if you do don't play by my rules I'm taking it and going somewhere else.

The point is, this is your life buddy. She is sucking the time and energy of the one life that you have with this bullshit. You ok with that? I let my first wife do that to me for almost 10yrs before I said enough. My current wife, though still very much a woman would never do what your wife did. Wanna know why? Because she knows it's my ball and she wants to keep playing. Sounds like your wife wants to keep playing but is confused as to to who owns the ball.

theunconquored · 2017-03-14T22:57:00+00:00

Why haven't you ended this long ago? If she wants to pull that stunt once, I'd tell her that the next time she's not welcome back, if I even gave her a next time.

You want to know what you'll do without her? Whatever you want to do, without someone manipulating you into fear and dread. You'll enjoy your life. Your kids will get to see their father as a happy man. Fuck your friends and family and neighbors. If they don't understand why it is important for you to get out, then it is their loss when you don't associate with them any longer.

You'll be out spinning plates with your new friends.

herp_a_merp · 2017-03-14T13:04:32+00:00

There is a chance that this is a 'preemptive strike' on her part. She feels insecure in the relationship (probably after seeing you change).

She feels that it's ending and she'd rather end it herself to hang on the the feeling of being in control.

I saw sth similar from my wife a few months in.

ReddJive · 2017-03-14T12:56:45+00:00

Well it's kind of hard for her to feel a part of the team when you think she's a twit. HAve you considered mentoring her? Training her?

The a key part of leadership is Lead Mentor Train, but you appearenlty think it's to belittle your woman. Remind just how much lower she is compared to you. I mean why else would she just come out and say these very specific things.

She's calling out comfort test all over the place but your answer to it is to treat like a child. Ok sure RP says her maturity level is at that degre, but she isn't stupid. She knows when you dont want her and that's exactly what you are doing. YOu have made her feel useless, pointless, and she has no input to the team any more.

Is this how a captain treats his first officer? I guess it is if you are a complete and utter dick. She asks for help with the computer and instead of Turing it into a teaching moment you decide to go all high mother fucker in charge and show her how much better you are.

Lead mentor train.

Stop being a dick.

2ndal · 2017-03-14T13:10:08+00:00

I see no issues with how you handled this with her in the situation. But internally you're still a little bitch tucked safely inside in her frame, care too much what she thinks, and are afraid of her emotions.

Try hard to live your life positively and on your own terms. Don't let her outbursts pull you out of your frame. Keep busy and productive. When she returns, you have to do your best to show that her tantrums did not affect you, that you are still happy, busy and productive and living your life on your own terms, being a kick-ass father, leading the household. The worst thing you can do is make her aware how much her childish behavior affects you, or make her think you've been sitting around brooding while she's gone and asking strangers on the internet how to handle the situation.

Fake it 'till you make it.

stonepimpletilists · 2017-03-14T13:55:21+00:00

Have you considered the correlation between your action, and her reaction? Stop being 'nice' or whatever it is you do, if it only gets shitty reactions.

Beyond that, as much as she resents it, she is being a child. Act as if it's a 4 year old, see how your frame changes. Don't reason with a four year old, don't get her buy in. Just grab her arm when she tries to run out into traffic

Consider that you're still using directtalk in a subtext conversation

weakandsensitive · 2017-03-14T15:35:54+00:00

respectful not bitchy and I am, frankly, tired of it.

good for you.

And in addition to having a little bitchfest, what'd you actually do about it? Did you stop? Did you point her to google? Did you ignore her request?

It's cute that you got into a spat of who's emotional outbursts are more important. Cute emotional outbursts don't turn into respect or deference though.

Bad behavior when I'm doing a favor results in me stopping whatever it is I'm doing and finding a better way to spend my time.

"You think I'm going to continue helping you when you act like a cunt?"

"I wasn't being a cunt."

"I felt like you were - I might be wrong, but that still doesn't solve your problem."

chief_slap_ahoe · 2017-03-14T17:28:54+00:00

Should I gave her enough money for one night at the hotel and sent her packing

InChargeMan · 2017-03-14T13:23:12+00:00

I never gave her admin rights because she never asked for them, rarely used it, and her user password is "password". I told her I would fix it when I got home.

You couldn't just tell her the admin password over the phone? What are you, Snowden? If you can't trust your wife to install something and need her to wait all day for you to come home that is pretty sad.

Title	FR/ interesting phenom
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	20
Comments	110
Date	March 14, 2017 12:40 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5zbv6o/fr_interesting_phenom/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/fr-interesting-phenom.198995 https://theredarchive.com/post/198995

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