Abortion/men’s choice

Ferbuggity · 2022-07-08T15:47:10+00:00

Driving you to abortion clinics every week when you're this far pregnant, threatening his own safety when you say no.... you don't need this selfish, manipulative behaviour when you're about to be a mother, and probably a single one at that. He very clearly doesn't want to be a father. With things this volatile, it may be best to put some distance between you. If he's panicking about money/responsibility, you can both talk to a lawyer in your state and get advice on mutual agreements. Where I live, we can agree on a figure that suits both rather than the state deciding, if we want to.

You both sound very young, I hope you both have family and friends to turn to. Remember, the most important person in this is the baby and its welfare. If your bf can't be a parent, it's all on you, And late term abortions are not very safe and it sounds to me like you dont really want one. You can consider adoption, but trust me, its no decision to be making over someone else's tantrums. You are very likely to regret it a lot, if you're not 100% happy to give your baby up. Whatever you choose, be at peace with it. If you choose to have it, leave the door open to him being a father to this baby in future, he may change his mind later.

welcometothejl · 2022-07-08T19:59:41+00:00

You're not being unfair and I would guess the pressure has nothing to do with how you've handled the situation. I personally feel like the pressure comes from society and the fact that even though you're telling him he can come be a father when he is ready, at any point you can change your mind and he will be fucked. He could owe child support, as well as back child support. That's a lot of stress, and unfortunately it is just the way things are.

duhhhh · 2022-07-08T14:57:10+00:00

I feel that’s fair because I don’t want him to think he’s stuck being a dad when he feels like he has more things to do in life before fatherhood.

The thing is even if he doesn't want to be a father, he still is suddenly in debt to you. He probably owes 5-7 years income in child support. Even if you don't ask for it, the state will demand it of him back to birth if you ever apply for state benefits before the child is 18. If he if unwilling or unable to pay, he may lose his library card and driver's license, will lose his passport, and will likely be sent to jail repeatedly until he pays it all off. Repeatedly going to jail tends to destroy his career prospects and future family if he has one.

That is a lot of pressure/anxiety on him and he gets no choice in the matter while you have choices both before and after birth.

Pleasant_Economics97 · 2022-07-09T10:15:50+00:00

Please do not murder your child. Just drop the dead beat

orezoftheworld · 2022-07-08T19:59:07+00:00

Sorry to hear that and I hope you guys find a solution, but pressure that you are getting at this time is unacceptable. If you want to keep the baby and you are willing to raise on your own, that is your right. The baby needs his/her father, but life is never perfect. I hope you don't think to keep that baby because you love the guy and think that he will come around, since this is unfair to him and your baby, but reading your post I am not getting such vibes. It's tough being a single mom, but it is your life and you should make the decision that you will regret the least. I can't comment on your BF behavior since I can't relate. I have never been in this situation, but there were times that I insisted for my GF to take plan B, even when in one case she didn't like me pressuring her (I wasn't ready to be dad and settle down and didn't want to take chances). Good luck to you friend and I hope it works out for you whatever you decide, but my personal opinion is that children are treasures and should be loved and adored by their parents. In case you keep the baby I hope your child is healthy and beautiful and you will have to do the rest. Not sure if this was helpful but good luck.

5150hot · 2022-07-09T01:27:37+00:00

Six months and you want the baby, yes by all means keep the baby. He sounds like he has problems but just push on without him.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-07-09T01:56:39+00:00

In my state it's been abolished pretty much except for the threat of the mothers health. 6 months ? That's a whole baby literally 😩 Do you not have family to help you keep your stance in place firmly?
Can you get away from him . Stay with family ? I'd be worried he'd do something desperate.

AL_25 · 2022-07-09T12:51:38+00:00

No, you ain’t unfair. You said want to keep the child and it’s your choice. You said to him that he doesn’t have to be there or be a father if he doesn’t want. You ain’t forcing him to a father and he shouldn’t force you to doing something you don’t want.

The_Peacock_King · 2022-07-08T18:35:49+00:00

I'm under the belief that if abortion isn't mutual between both consenting parents who had consensual sex. Then the baby should be delivered.

I think that's fair, and what you have offered him as consolation is also very fair.

Aquariumpsychotic · 2022-07-10T06:37:38+00:00

If she has the right to an abortion a man should have the legal rights to give up all legal responsibility for the child. Edit only read the title. He is abusive it’s your choice and at 6 months I don’t think you legally can

HikuroMishiro · 2022-07-10T17:54:56+00:00

Holy crap the comments here are disgusting. You are absolutely not being unfair in keeping the baby. He already made his choice by having unprotected sex, he does not get to intimidate you into killing your child. If you were both on birth control and it was the .00001% of the time you got pregnant anyway, I could see a small amount of pressure initially, but definitely not unprotected and definitely not six months on. You need to prioritize your actual baby, not some man acting like a baby.

ExpertRacer · 2022-07-08T20:39:30+00:00

You gave him the best option possible, most mothers don’t do that, you respected his wishes and he threw it in your face, I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way, you have no obligation to stay in the relationship, but unless he becomes an imminent danger to the child, always give him the option to see them

sparkydoggowastaken · 2022-07-09T03:19:51+00:00

womans choice on pregnancy, always. good on you for giving him the choice, but hes just being an asshole at this point. you get to decide if the baby lives, he decides if he gives you money for visitation/raises the child. seems fair to me, hes just being an asshole now. but if you ever sue for child support youd be an asshole. ask where the anxiety comes from, if its this just try to make him understand. but your body your choice.

3-10 · 2022-07-09T06:11:08+00:00

Don’t murder your baby because some dude is an asshole.

I’m a single father and my ex is hell, but I still don’t regret having our daughter and dealing with all the crap she gives me including false accusations.

Aardwolfington · 2022-07-08T15:00:35+00:00

No, you're being completely fair. It doesn't sound like you're even insisting on child support.

CatPeedOnTheSofa · 2022-07-08T23:33:50+00:00

You are an 18 year old CHILD. You unanimously decided to drag him through a dramatic (and ongoing) event and ruin not only YOUR life but his life, as well. You don't see it that way, of course, because you're literally just a kid, but you are. I feel sorry for him.

Direct_Geologist_536 · 2022-07-08T15:42:25+00:00

Man he is doing something really wrong here

Shot-Repair-2470 · 2022-07-09T04:05:08+00:00

Leave him and find another man that supports your decision to keep the baby. He is clearly not right mentally

Accomplished_Ad2910 · 2022-07-09T07:32:14+00:00

Tell him he can back off and have nothing to do with you and you dont want anything from him

SteveorJimmyorJack · 2022-07-08T22:53:48+00:00

You are being a good mother keeping the baby, and if he loves you, he will understand how selfish he has been, and will love the child. If he doesn´t support you on something that means so much, then he is no good to you. He is not ready now? Will he ever be? It is in those cases that we find out if someone really loves us.

Mythandros · 2022-07-08T22:20:52+00:00

Here's my take: If you want the kid, that's fine. He shouldn't try forcing you to abort, but at the same time, you shouldn't force him into fatherhood.

If you choose to keep the child, you alone should absorb the cost. After all, you are choosing to keep it.

Offer to sign papers allowing him to give up fatherhood of the child. Once signed, make sure you don't try getting any kind of financial recompense from him. Ever. Do not go back on your word.

While keeping the child is your right, paying for it should also be your responsibility. Not his.

KissMyAsthma-99 · 2022-07-09T02:16:35+00:00

Don't kill your child.

Snivelingincel · 2022-07-09T00:53:57+00:00

Why did you decide to keep a kid by someone who doesn’t want to be a father

MydnightRose · 2022-07-08T21:56:46+00:00

6 mos is too late for an abortion! Tell him that ship has sailed. Both of you are putting the child in a bad situation. A selfish mother who thinks a child doesnt need 2 parents to thrive, and a selfish immature father who doesn't want the child and will eventually end up leaving. They say sex is an adult choice but even adults don't know how to do it correctly without the unintended consequences. Bottom line tell Daddy Dearest abortion is off the table! Should have done it 5 months ago, if at all.

AffectionatePapaya13 · 2022-07-09T08:49:32+00:00

You're crazy if he's the person you wanna have a child with. Keep in mind, after you have his kid, your dating pool shrinks by a substantial amount.

iwantpaintodie · 2022-07-08T19:37:19+00:00

He’s very, very manipulative!

donnasunderland123 · 2022-07-08T20:13:51+00:00

I don’t feel bad for him. He knew the risks going in. U can’t force a chick to have an abortion because you’re too beta to control your lust

DavidByron2 · 2022-07-08T15:12:45+00:00

I personally told him I didn’t mind if he didn’t want to be in the baby’s life

That's not really your choice is it? If you can't pay for it then the government will force him to pay up and if you happen to change your mind from what it is now in the future (perhaps under duress from others) then future-you can still screw him over. So your promise at this point isn't worth much. Not that you are promising.

I don’t want him to think he’s stuck being a dad

Well he's at your mercy and it's fair for him to hate you or be incredibly worried because of that I would say. You could totally wreck his life and you don't seem that concerned about it. Well it's his life you'd be wrecking not your own. Of course it depends on your circumstances like for example did the two of you make any agreements before having sex? probably not.

Am I being unfair keeping the baby?

Probably. Again not sure what other agreements or arrangements you had before sex. But if the shoe was on the other foot everyone would tell you that he was being totally unfair. If you had wanted an abortion and he was somehow able to force you into having the baby (at his choice), even with the understanding that he'd take care of it afterwards not you, I don't think you'd see that as fair would you? You'd probably feel it was a huge deal that he was forcing you into without your consent.

Did you at least warn the guy that you wanted to have a baby before you had sex? It feels like you'd be better off finding a young man who actually likes you and wants to have a family with you, don't you think? It's hard to raise a baby by yourself but if you really want that then you could get an anonymous donor either from an institution or casual sex with some guy you never see again. If this was just an accident that happened to give you the chance to massively screw over a friend to satisfy your own desires then I think in any other situation that happened people would be horrified if you took the opportunity given to you by the accident to take from your "friend". But in this one case you'll find no shortage of people willing to tell you it's fine to screw him over.

The fact that you came to the one place where people WON'T tell you that, suggests to me that you're feeling guilty about this choice. After 6 months you may not have much of a choice left but you can always place the baby up for adoption. You could even then re-adopt it yourself which would sever legal responsibilities for the father -- but frankly they probably wouldn't let you since you don't seem to be a good potential parent for an adoption (single mother and I'm assuming without a job?)

RoubandoMerdina · 2022-07-09T02:56:07+00:00

Keep the baby. Drop the dude. Sign a paper and record a video saying that you both agree that he has no ties to the kid and that you will never wish to force him to become a parent through court. Heck, talk to a lawyer asking for a way to give him the guarantee that he will never be bothered by you or your kid.

But as soon as that is solved, make sure you don't ever see that man in your life. Your values just don't align and you should've never been in a relationship with him but what's done is done and everyone makes mistakes. However, as soon as get got physical and touched you, you only stay near him if you are a masochist without any self love or worth. Furthermore, he wants you to abort a child that you want when you are already 2/3 months away from giving birth. He doesn't value life, he doesn't value you, he doesn't value any of your wishes. I obviously just know the part of the story you shared here but he seems to be the opposite of what you should be looking for in a man.

Rahbin_Banx · 2022-07-08T20:22:42+00:00

You are a Saint. Wow how can you put up with this? You are doing all comprimising. Your giving him an open door to not be a father. All he wants is to have sex with you and take zero responsibility for the consequences of sex. He sounds like a misogynist womanizer.

No my personal opinion is that IF killing our children is going be legal, then men should have the right to financially abort as well.

DirtyPartyMan · 2022-07-08T19:55:19+00:00

As Laws stood a month ago it was “My Body, My Choice” but only if you’re a woman unfortunately.

Depending on your state she may have to keep it to term or face criminal charges.

Current Social Climate places men in the back seat once you release the sperm.

But once the child is born, now the law has a say. Still not you.

From a Man’s perspective nothing we want matters Unless we’re agreeing to everything because that’s what we want.

velvetalocasia · 2022-07-08T15:26:47+00:00

I sincerely doubt that you can still have an abortion.

VulcanSummers602 · 2022-07-09T01:12:27+00:00

I know I'm about to get downvoted to hello but why would you want to be tied to a man like this? Abort so you can leave and never talk to him again. Go have children with a man who actually wants to have children with you.

brokenarrow27 · 2022-07-09T00:04:09+00:00

You are not dating a man, you are dating a selfish little asshole. Have better standards when choosing a partner. If he is not in the babies life, he will regret it terribly in the future.

museumsplendor · 2022-07-08T20:32:50+00:00

WHAT STATE ARE YOU? I would go to a domestic violence center. They will give you free housing.

Quit taking his calls. He is not your boyfriend- he is an attempted murderer.

museumsplendor · 2022-07-08T20:26:50+00:00

Honestly he is going to love his baby and is just scared. Do not have an abortion.

Go to the crisis pregnancy centers and they will have diapers and cribs and everything you need.

My baby daughter is the sunshine of my life.

Dark forces want everyone dead.

Your baby could survive life if you gave birth this week.

freerossulbrich · 2022-07-08T23:12:39+00:00

Sometimes I wonder how can a man like that be a dad anyway? He doesn't even want to be a dad. Yet he'll become one. Pay nothing, or be forced to pay child support.

And this is the issue why I think sex should be transactional.

When sex is transactional, things like this can be discussed BEFORE you have sex.

Women can see that the guys have money and want to have children. The guy can say from the beginning whether he wants to have children or not.

But women cannot consider money before having sex or get pregnant. Men cannot offer reasonable deals. People are supposed to have sex by feeling around. Then this sort of things happen.

Ali13929 · 2022-07-09T01:00:10+00:00

It’s too late now and he seems… unstable? And did he know those first couple months ?..

Edit: side note I just got banned from r/femaledatingstratagey or whatever it’s called just for commenting and being on this sub. Smh. Their reasoning is complete bs too

archit1405 · 2022-07-09T02:34:47+00:00

Do him a favour and never go to fucking court.

AffectionatePapaya13 · 2022-07-09T08:53:34+00:00

Don't stick your dick in crazy kids.

Diligent_Advice616 · 2022-07-09T01:41:52+00:00

That poor child is going to be raised by a child and have no father. Give your children the best chance at a stable life people don’t do this at 18. Wait until you can at least drink for gods sake.

Input_output_error · 2022-07-09T08:27:42+00:00

Where to start with this trainwrak..

No matter how you spin it, after 6 months the only real excuse for an abortion is the mothers health. I'm in no way against abortions, but after 6 months the fetus is very close to be 'viable' if not 'viable' already. (viable as in able to live outside of the womb) If there is a line to be drawn with abortions i believe it should be right there.

I personally told him I didn’t mind if he didn’t want to be in the baby’s life if he wasn’t ready and maybe if one day he realizes that he is ready he can come meet them. I feel that’s fair because I don’t want him to think he’s stuck being a dad when he feels like he has more things to do in life before fatherhood.

This is a lot to unpack, this intertwines a few things that should be separated. That you don't mind him not being in the child's life isn't something that is up to you to decide. It is the only decision that the 'dad' can make. But that is only the physical part of 'being in the child's life', the financial involvement is something that he can't choose not to be a part of and neither can you. Next to all of this there is still the emotional part of becoming a parent, specially when it happens against your will.

You might not want him to think he is stuck being a dad, but, he is stuck being a dad and you have made this decision for him. From what im reading he made if very clear from the start that he didn't want to become a parent. Him not being there seems like a dead giveaway of him wanting no part in any of this. So you keeping the child in the first place was unfair to him, but like i said, aborting after 6 months is not really an option either, that ship has sailed.

Every time I tell him no he starts breaking down and the last time he had gotten physical with himself so I agreed to make an appointment so he could relax. Mind you I’m 6 months pregnant as of yesterday.. I don’t know what to do I’ve been trying to be there for him but it’s hard because I know I want to keep the baby.

First of all, i do not condone his behavior, but, i do understand it. He feels violated and without agency. You have made a choice that affects both of your lives equally, while you welcome the outcome of this choice, he does not. He feels trapped, the fact that he got physical with himself makes it scary. If you really want to be there for him then you need to find him help ASAP.

You trying to talk with him isn't going to do him much good, you're the one that is causing all of this to happen to him (from his perspective). Your reassurance will probably only serve to heighten his existential crisis.

No matter how this play's out, this guy is going to emotionally scarred because of this. Even if the two of you grow old together this will always be something that will keep nagging on him. He wouldn't be the first man that killed himself because of a situation like this. Of course these are the two extremes and anything in between is just as possible.

I understand this isn't a picknick for you either, being pregnant doesn't exactly sound like fun. The best advise i can give you is to get help, both for you and your baby daddy. It takes a village to raise a child, try to get as much ready for the child while you still have the time/strength. Get both your and his parents involved, regardless of any feelings, this baby is coming and it's going to need help 24/7.

Admirable-Door1724 · 2022-07-11T07:52:32+00:00

Imo that’s very fair. You’re giving him an option to not be responsible for the child, or to be responsible later on if he wants to be. If he tries to make you get one, tell the doctor you do not want one. I don’t understand why he doesn’t like the option of not being responsible if he doesn’t want to.

Title	Abortion/men’s choice
Author	Technical-Compote384
Upvotes	146
Comments	191
Date	July 8, 2022 2:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/vucf9w/abortionmens_choice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/abortionmens-choice.1122569 https://theredarchive.com/post/1122569

Comments