This is in response to a post I saw on another sub about a woman whose husband left her after she was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. It was, on the surface, a heartbreaking story. I was surprised to find that the comments were filled with people saying that this is so common that cancer centers have a special protocols and counseling to warn women of this possibility. The general consensus was that men are just terrible people who refuse to care for their SO.

It seems that there is some truth to the claim - men do leave more frequently under these circumstances. But I've been on both sides of this dynamic. I had cancer in my mid 30s requireing multiple surgeries and 6 months of chemotherapy. And I als had to care for my wife for several months while she recovered from neck and shoulder therapy. Of course, this is only one example, but the differences in our expectations were pretty obvious and I think those differences go a long way to explaining why men are so much more likely to be DRIVEN OFF by their sick wives.

First: Men are WAY better patients than women. When I had cancer, my mindset was basically "How can I deal with this so it impacts my wife and family as little as possible." Sure, she had to drive me to and from chemotherapy appointments every other week , but I managed al of my home medications on my own. I continued working through chemo so there was no difference in our income or lifestyle. I continued doing my normal household duties. I let her drag me along on all shopping trips (even though my WBC was 0 and it was the peak of the covid pandemic) because she didn't like to pick up any of the heavier groceries. I humored her and tried all of the ridiculous herbal cancer remedies that she googled in her endless time off while I was working. And I basically tried not to complain about my discomfort unless someone specifically asked about it.

My wife, on the other hand, needed surgery for a repititive use injury affecting her shoulder and neck. Her attitude was "I can't do anything, so BeginningDealer has to do everything for me." If I didn't organize her medication schedule and bring her her doses, she wouldn't take them. If I didn't prepare her food, she wouldn't eat (for the first couple of weeks). If I made a meal, she wouldn't bring her own dishes back to the kitchen. She stopped working completely and didn't resume for nearly a year (even though she had no medically indicated limitations after a couple of months). Every conversation revolved around her operative pain, disability, and depression because 'she was never going to get better.'

Basically, the difference is that male patients still expect and want to do most things for themselves and female patients tend to expect most things to be done for them.

Similarly, many people were claiming that Women were superior caregivers but I also found the opposite to be true. Sure, women may be more superficially empathetic. My wife and female relative were way more likely to ask "how are you holding up?" "How do you feel about your cancer?" (how do you thin?) But, at the same time, they were also far more likely still expect me to show up at my nephew's birthday party across the state, regularly help with any chore that required lifting more than 10 or so pounds, and continue paying for all of our bills.

On the other hand, I was less likely to ask my wife those kinds of questions, and I was more likely to express frustration that every conversation for months revolved around the minutae of how her neck and shoulder were feeling today, how that compared to yesterday and last week, and how she predicts they'll feel tomorrow. But, I also made sure that she never had to lift a finger unless she wanted to.

I definitely understand why men get burnt out with sick spouses. Their need for constant empathy and validation of their feelings becomes a black hole that can never be filled and doesn't allow room for any other topics of conversation. And they casually expect their loved ones to pick up most or all of their former responsibilities with no thanks or expectations that they try doing the things that they are capable of.

I take marriage vows seriously, so I don't approve of anyone leaving their spouse without very good reasons. But maybe we could do a better service to women with cancer by teaching them to be better patients and insisting that they make reasonable efforts to continue meeting those responsibilities that they can rather than treating them like delicate royalty. Let's end the "Sara Comen Syndrome" where female cancer patients make their entire life revolve around their diagnosis (which frequently requires far less treatment than what I endured and continued functioning fine) and insist that they continue acting like adults and treating the people around them like human beings.

EDIT: Thank you fellow redditor for adding this context: ATTENTION!!!!!

This doesn't get out nearly enough, but the study that found that was retracted because of a coding error. Couples that left the study were coded incorrectly as "men leaving sick spouse".

Please edit the post to begin with this disclaimer in all caps. Feminists and women broadly have been circulating this falsehood at lightspeed lately and people here need to know to immediately dispel it when they see it.