You should’ve asked...

captainmagictrousers · 2017-05-25T15:36:54+00:00

When men want something but don't ask, it's their fault for not communicating. When women want something and don't ask, it's the man's fault for not reading her mind.

Demonspawn · 2017-05-25T16:11:01+00:00

It's simple:

If women don't want to have to ask the men to perform a task, then women have to give up control of the household chores. That means that the man "isn't wrong" when he doesn't do the chores the same way in which the woman would (not pick up the towel, just take the bottle out of the dishwasher).

The issue is that women don't want to give up that control. They want to be the determiners of when the job is complete... and yet don't want the responsibility of that managerial role to direct the subordinates.

You can't have it both ways. Either you are the boss or you aren't. If you are, it's your responsibility to direct. If you aren't, you can't tell someone they did the job wrong.

2017-05-25T16:32:14+00:00

My gf and I had this fight recently. She was upset that I had not cleaned something that week. I explained that I didn't consider it dirty yet and that if she wanted it cleaned to her standards and not mine, sh needed to ask for it to be done when she wanted it done. She felt it was unfair for her to keep track of how clean X-thing was (though sh was clearly already doing so)

So I asked her how many miles she'd been driving with the oil light on in her car. She admitted she did not know, so I told her, and politely asked for the umpteenth time that she take it in.

Ended that fight mighty quick.

Loki_the_Poisoner · 2017-05-25T16:10:46+00:00

So this one showed up in my house too. My relationship with my wife is pretty equal and open, so it took me by surprise.

After I thought about it for a couple of days, I explained to her where my cognitive load was. It wasn't that I didn't have it, it's that I was focusing on other things. She agreed that the things in my cognitive load were worth it, and now she appreciates me more.

I appreciate the comic, not because it's right (because it isnt) but because it opened the conversation.

RapeMatters · 2017-05-25T15:48:06+00:00

I mean, there's a certain point there the author made but didn't realize it. In general (outliers/exceptions exist) women are the managers in the home while the men are the manual laborers. Men do what they're told - women do the ordering.

I own a small business. That means that, at my business, I must both manage other people and do part of the work. I am, at work, exactly what she talks about being at home.

I certainly do more work than my employees do, because I am both "doing" and "planning", but I also have more power than my employees (within that context) for the same reason.

It's also worth noting that in many relationships (again, not all) men are criticized by their wives or partners for doing any work in the home because it wasn't done to their partner's standards, or not done the way the partner would have done it.

She should do what my wife and I do - we have a chore list, and unless the work is clearly deficient in some definable way that is pre-agreed upon, there is to be no complaining about it. That way, when I do the dishes to spec, there's no cause for complaint. If she mows the field to spec, there's no cause for complaint. If she puts the laundry in and it's my turn to dry and fold, we both to it to spec on the agreed upon fashion, and there's no issue.

If we have children, the chore list will then just be expanded to include the child in rotation. Same rules.

Demonspawn · 2017-05-25T16:21:25+00:00

Also: Men Who Do More Housework Have Less Sex

Rasalom72 · 2017-05-25T15:51:49+00:00

I had this type of talk with my wife a while ago. It's not that I (and most men) don't do things if not asked... we just don't waste all the fucking energy on useless crap that women do.

They call it "nesting" and it's a female thing. MEN DON'T NEST. Women feel compelled to do way more then is necessary around the home, and then they blame men for not "sharing the load".

Remember men.. "You are not responsible for all the extra crap your wife/ girlfriend/ sister/ mom/ aunt/ etc, CHOOSES to do".

Also, I know some women will not only want her man to do something, but she will want it done her way.... after a while of this, the guys just start saying FUCK IT, she want's it done a specific way, she can fucking do it herself.

As an aside, this doesn't really address the way men and women think about doing work. Most men I know would consider it an insult if someone came and started doing things for them without being asked. "I can handle it." or "If I wanted your help, I would've asked for it." Like it's a challenge for him to properly manage his time/ resources/ activities and still get everything done.

I'm like this... when my wife comes in to "help" me with dinner, I shoo her out, because she will want to do something her way, instead of mine, and she will end up messing up my timetable/ schedule, and get in the way of my process.

I always say, "Ask a man to do something (his way), or tell him how you are going to do it (your way)."

TessarS · 2017-05-25T15:29:42+00:00

My wife literally sent this to me last night. I too am conflicted. Some of what is said makes total sense. Some just sounds whiny. After reading, I figured I could try some of the stuff because, I love my wife. But some of this just seems like complaining just to complain.

Neko404 · 2017-05-25T16:37:23+00:00

Here is my little life experience as evidence.

Even if I go out of the way and try to do more things she still tries to do it all. Just before dinner I throw a load into the washing machine. She cooks up the meal we eat and enjoy the meal and I start to clean the kitchen. Scrubbing dishes throwing them in the dishwasher etc. well then she wants to do a load of laundry and I get an earful about leaving a load in the drier, so I stop cleaning the kitchen and grab the clothes out of the drier and toss them on the bed. They were towels big deal if they get wrinkled. So I go back to the kitchen or try to anyways to finish cleaning and there she is cleaning the kitchen and I get another earful about how I didn't clean it properly, well of course not I never fucking finished cleaning. So I try to tell her to get out of the way and let me finish and that goes about as well as you'd expect, but she does leave and I start to wrap up the kitchen only to get another earful over the unfolded towels at the foot of the bed.

So I suppose what I am trying to say from my perspective, IF YOU WANT US TO DO MORE AROUND THE HOUSE STOP DOING EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE AND FUCKING LET ME DO MORE.

zulu127 · 2017-05-25T23:27:03+00:00

Part of the problem is that many women actually view men's work life as an adventure they're going off to, to be recognized as heros, to save the world. Well it turns out, as many women have to come to realize, that work isn't all fun and games. It can be gruelling, thankless and boring. After helping take care of the newborn, he realizes that he would like to bond and help for a longer time period but he's got to bring in the cash and can't afford to push things too far. There is pressure on the man to go back to that ~~shitty job~~ marvellous adventureland to feed house and clothe the family...oh, and to save the world.

ayumuuu · 2017-05-25T16:32:26+00:00

I can't speak to the experience of other couples, but my wife and I both take on mental loads. Like if we have company coming over she will make a list of everything that she feels needs cleaned and divvies it out to herself and me. However, I have a mental checklist of the contents of our pantry, fridge, and freezer, what I plan to make for dinner for the next few nights, and whether or not I need to go to the store.

Honestly "the you should have just asked" argument makes sense to me. I have never been upset with my wife for not doing something when I didn't ask her to. To my knowledge, she is not a mind reader, a trait we share. If I need something done and I for some reason cannot do it currently, then I ask or just do it later (if it's not time-sensitive).

I feel like the majority of this problem could be solved with a task sheet, chore wheel, etc. You do laundry, I cook, you put the kids to bed, I go grocery shopping, etc. Then there's no guesswork and the mental load is much lower for both parties.

4man · 2017-05-25T23:05:46+00:00

What isn't included is the complaints women make when men do participate in household chores. Men in relationships soon learn women like to complain, it either drives the man away or they get used to it and it just becomes background noise.

Ted8367 · 2017-05-26T02:38:19+00:00

Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” !

So enthusiastically received, that it got translated for her...

Why so popular? Seems to me that her point is trivial. Everyone going about their daily tasks has this mental load, not just women. Perhaps there's something special about housework? But anyone who has lived by himself [Note the inclusive use of "him"] will need to bear all that load himself.

There may be an extra organizational effort when unrelated people live together, sharing an apartment for example. But this hasn't resulted in interminable complaining cartoons that get translated into other languages. No, the special essence here is the man-woman relationship. As we all know, the essence is always women have it worse.

The trouble with women have it worse is that, by and large, they don't. Their relative privilege over men is becoming more and more obvious, and the ladies really have to strain their inventive faculties to cover it up. Thus we have to endure manspreading, manterrupting, and so on, as if these were genuine causes of complaint. The story is wearing a bit thin...

And then Emma comes to the rescue with mental load, almost completely borne by women, Emma says. Thank you Emma! That should be good for pushing the narrative for a few months at least!

That's why it's so popular.

Jadugara · 2017-05-25T15:23:33+00:00

I keep seeing this posted around by women on social media. I have conflicting feelings about this...thoughts?

TessarS · 2017-05-25T16:05:10+00:00

Hitting the nail on the head. I can't agree more. If it were delivered more factually and less emotionally, I think it would be easier for the "average" guy to take it in without feeling a nagging resentment at the author. When I was reading it, I kept thinking, man this information good, but the woe is us delivery made me not want to continue reading.

TessarS · 2017-05-25T19:11:43+00:00

I think that may have been the overall message of the author, but there can be good info inside bad bodies of text. I'm not saying I agree with it, but as a married man I can see some of these things I can improve on.

splodgenessabounds · 2017-05-26T09:03:44+00:00

First, it's true that some men really do need to be told to do obvious shit around the house. Some men, not all men.

That out of the way, what this (apparently endless) so-called cartoon doesn't even hint at, let alone mention, is what the bloke is doing while all this utterly essential domestic labour that the poor, oppressed woman is slaving tirelessly at. Has he had his feet up watching the footbal, beer in hand? Or has he just got in from fixing the car (that she broke the other day, again), or building the outhouse/ garage/ pergola (that she wanted), or just got in from a 19-hour day on a roofing job (the money from which is needed to fix the car/ build the wall/ pay for Jayden and Ashleigh's private school fees)?

2017-05-26T11:09:47+00:00

cooked a single meal for the baby

What meals do you cook for a baby? This bothers me more than it should.

choosing a nanny

So relatable! The very idea of having a nanny is so out of this world to me. I like that you have a nanny, but apparently can't afford a phone to remind you of shit. You reference a grocery list, so clearly you can make lists. But you have to "remember" all this other shit? You can write that down too.

Modern technology makes most household chores a breeze.

The problem with this person, whoever wrote this drivel. Is they are failing to recognize their own personality flaws. If you can't focus on one single task, without getting distracted, then that's you being scatter brained. Why didn't you put away the groceries right away? I always put the groceries away as my fiance brings them in, and then we finish together. "Time spent now, is time saved later" heard that somewhere once, and I try to tell myself it when I want to put something off. [doesn't always work, but I try]

If I want to clear a table, I clear the table. I don't get sidetracked unless I want to procrastinate on what I'm actually doing. Even if unintentionally, I know that's why I do it. I can recognize this problem in myself. And I don't blame it on anyone other than myself. Because if I really want to do it, I will do it.

You weren't "taking 2 hours to clear the table" you were running around with your head cut off, being distracted by other things you need to do so you kept putting off the table. Your husband can clear the table no problem, because it's one task. He doesn't make the one task into many. If you didn't, you' get that done faster. And then you can move on to the next thing and focus on that.

Title	You should’ve asked...
Author	Jadugara
Upvotes	26
Comments	48
Date	May 25, 2017 3:22 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/6daa8p/you_shouldve_asked/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/you-shouldve-asked.921931 https://theredarchive.com/post/921931

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