Does comfort kill desire?

king_of_red_alphas · 2020-01-21T22:42:22+00:00

IMO. Yes absolutely. The more a woman feels like you are “locked down” the less nasty / desire filled she will be in bed IME.

Now, obviously comfort has to reach a level that sex in general doesn’t feel dangerous or awkward, but after a certain point, too much comfort will create sex that feels perfunctory and boring to her, and her body will respond accordingly.

This is one of those things I find TRP to be 100% right about.

Remain aloof, and apply soft dread to keep her comfort just off balance enough that she has that primal need to fuck you into a state of loyalty.

atlantisasalover · 2020-01-22T00:05:38+00:00

I don't know, I can't feel any desire without comfort. Although I'm not married or in an LTR, so I don't have experience in that ballpark either. I'm too neurotic, I legitimately can't imagine a situation where I could become aroused without "comfort".

crookedsummer2019 · 2020-01-22T00:25:46+00:00

In the beginning of most relationships the sexual fire is hottest. After a while the fire gets less hot. It doesn’t necessarily die out, but you may no longer get tingles when they touch your arm. This happens to women and men. You get used to someone, the relationship becomes more stable. But It’s not always the kiss of death.

TheJim66 · 2020-01-21T22:33:11+00:00

For women it definitely does.

https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/d53tvy/is_female_sexuality_actually_a_trap_for_men/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

As you can see female sexual desire declined before any problems in the marriage or kids.Now whether that's because of familiarity or because they secured the man ,it's debatable .Imo it's both.

Familiarity is definitely anathema to female sexuality .It's one of the reasons women have been dating outsiders since forever or why it's difficult to bang a woman youve been close friends with for years.

For men yes and no.Familiarity as long as you haven't banged a woman is actually a turn on.Its only when you've banged a woman that you start losing your desire somewhat but as seen in the study ,the loss is insignificant.Men want to bang new women but they still want to bang the GF/wife

QueenCousland86 · 2020-01-21T23:17:56+00:00

Not if you put both put in the work.

alluringjustice · 2020-01-22T01:02:03+00:00

I think if both partners put in the work they can have comfort AND novelty from the same person. Dust off your Kama Sutra book, change location, bring some toys in, role play, go to a bar and pretend you’re meeting for the first time, take some drugs (safely), keep up with date nights... both partners need to be equally invested in keeping the spark going and it’s unreasonable to expect there won’t be some periods of time where desire drops and you revert just to comfort but, no, I don’t think comfort is inherently the kryptonite to desire rather a lack of effort is.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2020-01-21T22:35:37+00:00

unbalanced comfort kills it, yes

i have given many ted talks here about this

SmurfESmurferson · 2020-01-21T22:49:44+00:00

Yes and no

No, not on its own. Yes, because a man’s comfort - which leads him to stop seducing her - kills her desire. But it’s not her comfort, it’s the fact that she doesn’t feel like he’s attracted to her

darudeboysandstorm · 2020-01-21T22:53:25+00:00

How can you desire something you already have?

Buddhism says desire is the root of suffering. So perhaps that is not such a bad thing.

wtknight · 2020-01-22T02:41:58+00:00

Married men tend to have lower testosterone levels. If their levels get too low, then comfort can definitely kill desire for men. I’m not sure as much about female sexuality, but I imagine that if there is comfort in the sense that their lives becomes too routine and unadventurous that it would kill desire for them as well.

brokegradstudent_93 · 2020-01-21T23:17:29+00:00

I think it’s a mix of comfort but also extreme stress due to children. If you have a baby who is colic, sleep will be a real issue. Women’s hormones can also change a whole lot after pregnancy. She might just no longer have that libido anymore. Sex might be the furthest thing on her mind while she’s trying to take care of the baby. I think comfort can be a factor especially if both partners start to let themselves go but I don’t think it’s comfort alone. It’s almost always a multitude of factors

teibe · 2020-01-21T22:55:56+00:00

Too much comfort yes, but too little also kills desire.

sotaponi · 2020-01-22T00:38:27+00:00

So as random question, since this "madonna/whore" pseudoscience is being spouted by "down with the patriarchy" feminists and other "yes for sexual liberation, buy our sex toys" corporate lobby shills all over the internet today... Where do I personally fit into all this stuff, when I always considered "sexy whores" to be disgusting, but can still delude myself into sexually empathizing with a beautiful and cute (but not nasty and sexy) mother (who was a virgin before we met) and making her feel good, but still acknowledge it being a potentially empathetic mutual delusion? Whereas there is no "dichotomy" as Freud strawmanned it, but simply an ascension. Or rather... a rejection of its opposite. Since your mind is by default sublimated into a purer state of mind, which admires the beauty and wholesomeness of said purity, as well. As it happens when you listen to, for example, classical music. As opposed to rap. And sexuality has no place in it... but still it constantly wants to budge in. Despite having no place in it. So some people want to overcome (not repress; sexual repression is just more pseudoscience) the self-enslavement to this intrusive urge. While still acknowledging that it's necessary for procreation. (People who listen to classical music have better sat scores, too, AFAIK.)

My wife isn't a whore when being erotic or made to "feel good"... But sexuality is still undesirable... it's a less desirable and true state. So it's not bad... but purity is better... purity and platonism can in itself can be romantic and romance is more desirable than succumbing to nihilistic sexuality. Whereas "sexy" whores who screw around have undesirable personalities, clearly displaying a nihilistic tendency. And why would a nihilist be loyal? Aside of the fact that they might even believe in this "madonna/whore complex" existing, then believing that anyone who rejects them does so because "sex is dirty and bad." Which is simply not the case, but them putting their relative dunning-kruger effect on display. Especially so if they actually had "dirty" and "nasty" sex. (Meaning ass-slapping, etc. They are deluded and not well-reflected. It's your own fault if you waste your time with such a woman. Because, of course, when having sex with such a woman, it can become "perfunctory" as one comment here mentioned it. Aside of people aging and becoming less physically attractive. So it's again on you for having strange physical fetishes. Be this the result of culture or not.)

And I do like the way Buddhists see it, too, since Buddhism was mentioned in another comment. They would never refer to "sexual repression." Instead they would call it a "lesser pleasure" not resulting in true bliss. And call you a slave to this desire which you believe to have. Or maybe project onto yourself by looking at your mirror reflection and saying "this dude in the mirror desires this and that thing." Maybe there's something like autoegoprojection? Right... Which Buddhists want to eschew. Then maybe having sex, but not because they are no longer repressed, but from a position from which it won't become "perfunctory" and boring. If they even want to have sex.

Seems to me that the only reasonable relationship would be found in marrying a person following Buddhist beliefs who doesn't believe in Freudian psychology.

Anyway... I know this is a debate sub which wants to argue from "above", but I'd still really appreciate, if somebody who uses these terms (such as madonna/whore complex), reads this and stops ****** throwing them against people's heads.

Reongaro · 2020-01-22T01:36:41+00:00

Or it’s just that they are more over saturated with sex when they have had multiple sexual partners before marriage, so when they are forced to have sex with only one person for the rest of their life after the wild “cock carousel” in high school and college, they feel bored and unsatisfied. It’d be like if you forced a drug addict to only have a small dose of a drug for their entire life after ramping up their addiction with higher doses in the past few years. If they WAITED UNTIL MARRIAGE maybe they wouldn’t feel so unsatisfied, since the first and only times they’d ever have sex would be with the person they’d be spending their entire lives with.

rus9384 · 2020-01-22T09:27:51+00:00

With men there are cases where seeing their wife as a mother creates the madonna/whore complex where they are no longer sexually interested.

That's a rare complex.

So, man or woman, do you think comfort kills desire?

Personally for me it does not. Lack of variety does. (Okay, it does not, I just would wank)

For some other people it does, I am pretty sure. Otherwise there would not be role-playing games.

Dmaned11123 · 2020-01-21T22:14:40+00:00

Not a woman but genuinely want to hear the answers to this.

I don't want my fiance to get bored of me! D:

diffdedbed · 2020-01-21T22:25:39+00:00

I think familiarity and neurological habituation kill desire more than comfort.

poppy_blu · 2020-01-21T23:47:23+00:00

It does for men and women. You have to work at it to keep the spark alive.

PapaPinyun · 2020-01-22T00:20:38+00:00

I want to disagree bc comfort is like a mammal art and need, but then, when the wife seems to be veering into comfort I compulsively start a fight that ends w punitive sodomy

NarniaFox · 2020-01-22T00:35:26+00:00

From my experience comfort creates the mood. If I'm stressed out, I probably have zero interest in having sex and it's quite common for people in general.

barbodelli · 2020-01-22T01:17:37+00:00

You ever heard of the coolidge effect?

It's been studied thoroughly. Exactly what you describe BUT with one caveat. It happens to males not females.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect

And here's a video about it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQuppzt1yEc

You have to admit it sounds EXACTLY like what you're describing. But with men not women.

misiepatysie · 2020-01-22T08:28:34+00:00

As a woman ,the more comfortable I am the more sex I want. The intimacy, the closeness, the ability to express desires, to explore kinks, to be able to trust the other person and allow myself to be vulberable and emotionall makes for a boost in sex drive, and allows me to verbailse the things that really get me going.

CatchPhraze · 2020-01-21T22:30:01+00:00

No. You need a level of comfort in the first place to feel sexual. At least I do.

incompetency kills desire. If she feels like she's doing you a favor sticking around or has to mommy you she probably won't be attracted for long.

Same with men if they constantly see their wives being incompatant in regards to being a sexual partner. (getting fat, not wearing makeup or nice clothes like she used to, constantly rejecting sexual acts and moods) he'll stop seeing her as attractive.

As dating turns into other more serious things, you fill more rolls in that other persons life but you can't just stop the oringal rolls for the new ones. Comfort is fine, it's even needed for most women to enjoy a sexual relationship without feeling judged. But you can't trade competency for comfort

AutoModerator · 2020-01-21T22:07:47+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Maybelowsmv · 2020-01-21T22:32:10+00:00

When he's a cute guy you know and you randomly find yourself thinking of him when masturbating >>

When you are living with him and realise he's the sort to cum, and then not wash his dick after and only wipes it with a tissue... And then expects a round 2 <<<<<<<

Title	Does comfort kill desire?
Author	whichbladeN
Upvotes	9
Comments	59
Date	January 21, 2020 10:07 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/es1yna/does_comfort_kill_desire/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/does-comfort-kill-desire.313382 https://theredarchive.com/post/313382

Comments