Keeping interest & attraction alive.

Loose-Bet-3787 · 2023-01-26T23:45:16+00:00

Novelty is the source of a lot of excitement in the beginning of a relationship. You’re discovering new things about a new person and it’s thrilling. When you get to know each other this obviously slows down. Some people can get too sucked into each other, become one. This is what some people think is the ideal partnership. But then there is 0 novelty and therefore, little to be excited about. Having your own friend groups, your own interests, continuing to challenge your own self and work on yourself with make you grow as a person. As you grow new parts of yourself will then develop. New parts for a partner to get to know and fall in love with and keep them excited to discover you as an ever evolving person

chalkandapples · 2023-01-27T01:46:43+00:00

I feel like if you lose interest after the initial phase and ran out of topics to talk about, you're not actually compatible, you were just riding the wave of novelty and lust. I have friends I knew since I was 5. I never ran out of topics to talk about with them. It's not normal to get bored of people as you get to know them.

If you have to force it to keep it interesting, it's better to try to find someone where you don't have to do that.

even though nothing is a mystery or anything to unravel anymore.

Your partner is not the mystery or the adventure, he's your party member. Why is everyone trying to use their partners as mystery boxes? Read a mystery novel, explore around town, or play Phenoix Wright or something.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-01-27T00:20:46+00:00

Do you believe people in long term relationships have that attraction alive even after years together?

Plenty of couples can.

In my opinion to have long-term interest in one another it takes a few thing (some you can select for, some are luck):

Chemistry
Compatibility
Communciation

West-Ad-9697 · 2023-01-27T11:36:19+00:00

check married red pill reddit.

How do you keep the attraction alive & women, what keeps you interested in a man long term even though nothing is a mystery or anything to unravel anymore. Thank you.

Well there should always be a mistery. Women are inherently curious, want to find and explore creeks and folds of your personality. Just be aloof, give them reasons to investigate more and ask "What?" when you drop a sudden nugget like, you have a pilots licence or backpacked across the rockies.

It's really not that complicated to be interesting and there's virtually no difference between being interesting and having a interesting life.

Keep chemistry going by flexing (politely) on male-female dymorphism indicators. Make a decision super fast, press her body over your head, be horny and show her how much of a groppy caveman you are - do man shit just because you can. Navigate and drive like your old man. Empty your brain and genuinely not think that much. (ironically this makes you seem like a better listener - because you know the issue isn't listening, it's that you have usually much more important and interesting shit to think about - and you can basically finish her sentence for her after a few months.)

Love bomb her when she is feeling girly, fist bump her when she is feeling aggressive and plan the world when she is in her head and super analytical. Tell her general stuff out of the blue like: it's all going to be ok, I will always love you, Life is so awesome with you by my side. I need your sexy little body. - they are not verbal contracts - don't worry - it's just conveying emotions. It gives her cues on where your emotional state is and gives her the security and sense of occasion to get into that vibe as well.

Old guys would call that keeping the flame alive, old gals would call it never ending courtship. Gen xrs would call it being a misogynism pig. But all women that know, would call it - that's how that one guy was during the best years of our life.

GodEmperorOfIncels · 2023-01-26T23:21:56+00:00

Do you believe people in long term relationships have that attraction alive even after years together?

Yes but not in an ACTIVE sense but PASSIVE.

Image your first time walking, it was a task (ACTIVE) but now you subconsciously (PASSIVE) just do it.

This applies to successful long term relations as well; after being together for so long, they don't have to think of things to keep the attraction or interest alive, its already embedded in their head...

Safinated · 2023-01-27T00:05:35+00:00

We like each other and hanging out together, and care about keeping each other happy. I don’t see what is so mysterious and difficult about that

WilliamWyattD · 2023-01-27T17:45:15+00:00

A breakdown in the relationship can end sex. But sex can also wither from a lack of novelty and excitement.

Two people who have strong libidos and both stay in shape can maintain a decent sex life for a long time. Generally, the quality of it will change from passionate to a kind of comfortable mutual pleasuring over time. But many people are fine with that.

If the OP is talking about trying to really retain that passionate element, then that is a lot harder. Typically, most advice along these lines involves sacrificing some of the comfort benefits of the relationship as excess comfort tends to be antithetical to raw passion. This kind of advice involves things like keeping as much of your lives separate as possible. Not letting them get used to your unclothed body so it is still exciting: don't walk around barely dressed, pee with the door closed, etc. Spend less time together--don't be each other's 'everything' (lover, best friend, companion, sharer of hobbies, etc,). You get the drift.

The thing is that for many people, even if the above works, the costs are not worth it. When I have passed this advice by women, many told me that the above was WHY they were in a relationship. Passion was supposed to fade. They would not trade the comfort for the passion. Plus, several said they would just become insanely jealous if their partner kept so much of their life a mystery.

So no easy answers. Just tidbits from the readings I have done on this.

As a side note, some couples have found that if they do adventurous and novel things together, like skydiving or exotic travels, or safaris, that some of the novelty, danger and excitement can transfer to their sex lives.

VeliVoy · 2023-01-26T23:06:16+00:00

Please discuss. Thank you. I am trying to learn and know more.

96tillinfinity_ · 2023-01-26T23:20:41+00:00

Because they didnt have dating apps and multiple options where they could have just discarded that person for the next one on their smartphone

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2023-01-26T23:36:50+00:00

What you described sounds like people who never developed a strong connection in the first place. I don’t think it’s hard to stay attracted to somebody long term once I’m in love.

nastyfella · 2023-01-26T23:39:39+00:00

Yes! You do it by having new experiences together. You have your own life too so when you come together you can share your interests. Keep dating them, surprising them, and making them laugh.

nunchuckbitch27 · 2023-01-27T00:49:37+00:00

It’s easy to keep attraction and interest alive for a really long time if you were compatible in the first place if you share the same interests and have similar personality types keep it fun and spontaneous but communicate so it builds to a deeper level

Novadina · 2023-01-27T01:22:19+00:00

Do you believe people in long term relationships have that attraction alive even after years together? If so, how come?

Yes, I believe it is possible because I’ve been in a relationship for 16 years and am extremely attracted to my partner. The attraction evolved, so it starts as excitement - but what I was excited about is the potential for it to be what I have now. It flowed naturally from excitement to contentment and I actually prefer this type of attraction, personally. In the beginning I’d see my partner and be like “ohh I think I’m falling in love, how exciting! I wonder if he is interested in trying something different in bed tonight“ with some nervousness about scaring him off if he’s not into whatever I bring up or whatever… and now I see him and have all these wonderful memories of us together and am like “ohh I love him so much, I hope I have many more days like this” and I know he’ll be up for trying something new in bed as he always has been so I have no anxiety about bringing it up at all. And I just have this solid knowledge that he has my back due to our history of him being there for me, and it’s so comforting. Thinking about it makes me feel the love, which leads me to wanting to make love and just really express how much I love him and feel it from him.

What is important to me to keep the attraction is really just quality time together. I need to feel those warm fuzzy love feelings, and have time to just bond together and really enjoy doing something together.

Fearless_Trouble_168 · 2023-01-27T02:13:32+00:00

We all tend to get lazy in LTRs because our brains aren't flooded with infatuation anymore, and we're used to the person.

I've heard men complain their partners stop wearing makeup/lingerie or doing anything fun in bed.

I've heard women complain their partners stop bothering with date nights and want to just chill in their sweatpants yet again until sex happens. And again, fewer fun things in bed.

Happy long-term couples don't stop appreciating each other. They give each other compliments, have new experiences together (and apart, that's key!), and don't take each other for granted.

Tbh though everything I've read on the topic suggests long-term monogamy can be rough for both men and women. Sex is most exciting with novel stimuli and one's long-term partner isn't novel, they almost feel like a roommate. It's odd to me we all judge people for getting bored in LTRs when that's so incredibly common.

SoldierExcelsior · 2023-01-27T02:23:13+00:00

I never lost attention for any of my GFs I just realized we weren't compatible the relationship ran it's course I didn't want marriage or children they did..except for one..and that one said she lost attraction for me.

MistyMaisel · 2023-01-27T02:51:35+00:00

Absolutely. If anything, I'd say I'm more attracted to my fella than I was when we first met or first got together.

I actually think it's really simple. People assume attraction is most related to novelty. And don't get me wrong. We certainly haven't stopped dating each other, flirting, adventuring, having new experiences, growing as people together and separately....and that is important.

But it seems like everyone forgets how attractive commitment, loyalty, and shared experiences are. How much it means to look at someone and know they're real and mean it when they say they love you because they've actually been there for you through bad days, bad months, and stresses. To know that you can just like exist imperfectly and they'll still wanna rattle your can of beans. How special it is to have routines and rituals together that you made together. How great it is to just know someone is about you and you're about them. To have someone be able to take one look at you and know where you're at and what you need or are feeling. To remember where you guys used to be and see how much they have opened up and changed and improved and to feel proud to have been there and a part of that. If that's not sexy or attractive to you, then I'm not sure you really deeply like the idea of love and relationships.

As for sex, I'm not bored yet. If you're about the details of your lover and pleasing them, I'm not sure how you ever get bored or don't notice the little variations and changes happening. Until one day it isn't just a little different, but hugely different. Maybe I'm a lunatic, but I'm always stunned people get bored of sex with their partner.

And also, my final note: gratitude. We've both had difficult lives in very different ways. We've both been through the ringer of previous relationships. And we both don't necessarily have super easy lives now. We both have so much gratitude towards each other for being the bright spot and best part of the day for each other every day. We both constantly express our gratitude for the stuff the other does day in and day out for each other.

begayallday · 2023-01-27T06:56:44+00:00

To keep that attraction alive, I need a few things. To not feel like I’m a stand in for my partner’s mom. For my partner to consistently show me and tell me that they are attracted to me. And to a lesser extent, for them to make an effort to look good for me.

I know dudes really roll their eyes at the idea of “emotional labor” and think it’s some kind of made up feminist buzzword, but let me tell you. It is real, and it. Is. Exhausting. If I’m not only doing 90% of the housework, but also having to constantly remind him to do his 10% and getting attitude about it, as well as having to remind him to make appointments, remind him to go to those appointments, make sure he isn’t ignoring potentially dangerous health issues, keep track of what we are out of and when the bills are due and how much money we have after those bills are paid, etc etc, … I kind of feel like at that point I may as well have had another child.

With regards to the second one, the fact that a dude is willing to put his dick in me is not enough in and of itself. Dudes who are not into dudes fuck other dudes in prison. I had a roommate once who jerked off into a Costco sized stack of bologna with a hole cut through it. A guy being willing to fuck me out of convenience is not a compliment. Tell me I look good! Make me feel like you actually find me attractive! If some fuckboy in a bar can do it, then I think a guy I’m married to could probably figure out how to make the effort.

As for the last one, my expectations are modest. Clean your ears out sometimes, clip your toenails, and wear something sharp every once in a while. I don’t care if you gain weight or lose some hair.

MarBitt · 2023-01-27T07:17:41+00:00

What keeps you interested in yourself?

It's not like you already know yourself too well and that's why you stop caring about yourself and you'll just bore yourself for the rest of your life. It's a question of whether you care enough about yourself to keep you interested.

Let's say you take up a new hobby, for example some martial arts. Either you do it for a while because it's new and then once you get the hang of it, you realize it's not for you. You learn quickly at first, but getting deeper is more and more laborious and you don't want to do it. So the problem is not that the martial art no longer hides any secrets from you, it could not be improved in anything, but that it is not for you, you do not feel enough love and passion for it, you do not enjoy doing it enough.

But if it is for you, on the contrary, the better you know the martial art, the better you are at it, the more you usually enjoy it. And you keep discovering deeper and deeper levels, until finally you get to know the whole world and yourself with the help of this martial art. You think to yourself, this political debate, it's like a cover, a few quick punches and then... Knowing that martial art and looking at life through the lens of that art has become part of you.

It is similar with a relationship with another person. If all you were interested in was the superficial layer and then you lose interest, then she probably wasn't the person for you. But if she's the one for you, then you start to dive deeper and deeper. You are getting to know the other person better and better, and the better you know her, the more you enjoy getting to know her.

Each person has a whole world inside, a universe ready to be discovered for a sufficiently determined and enthusiastic explorer. You become a master at knowing that particular person. And when you finally get to master level, you will find that you have actually taken only the first step and can start a real relationship and getting to know each other more deeply.

8inchchinesecock4 · 2023-01-27T10:16:15+00:00

all things are impermanent.

gymbro718nyc2 · 2023-01-27T15:49:03+00:00

Although I'm married and love my wife, I don't really think that human beings were meant to be monotonous for longer than a couple of years.

toasterchild · 2023-01-27T19:08:51+00:00

Other people are not my source of entertainment, they are people to seek out entertainment with. My husband and I are great friends and have great conversations regularly but we also make adventures together on a regular basis and actually enjoy spending time together doing interesting things. Sure if we stopped putting in the effort to make time for us then it might fizzle out, but why would we want to do that when it's so much better the other way?

Title	Keeping interest & attraction alive.
Author	VeliVoy
Upvotes	12
Comments	46
Date	January 26, 2023 11:04 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/10m5dl0/keeping_interest_attraction_alive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/keeping-interest-attraction-alive.1150106 https://theredarchive.com/post/1150106

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