Q4ALL-When do Kinks become problematic or unhealthy?

Electra_Cute · 2017-04-22T00:25:13+00:00

When it begins to have a substantial negative effect on your life outside of the designated area you are performing your kink.

purpleppp · 2017-04-22T00:24:03+00:00

Not a feminist, but for me feeding morbidly obese people to death is irresponsible. I don't think I would ban it but I find it pretty distasteful.

figthief · 2017-04-22T00:50:50+00:00

I'm sure not I can draw a line but I think it starts crossing into that territory when people are disturbed or disgusted by their kinks on an emotional or intellectual level when not using their "horny brain"

These types tend to repeat "it's just for the bedroom" ad nauseam, enough it makes me wonder if they are trying to convince other people or trying to convince themselves.

WhiskeyOnASunday93 · 2017-04-22T00:09:12+00:00

Before you think I'm being all righteous or judgmental, I've engaged is some freaky sex. I'm personally fairly vanilla, but have basically been encouraged and sometimes coerced by girls to explore their dark side. To a point that made me pretty uncomfortable, but I felt like a proper man oughta be ok with being hyper-dominant and engaging in rape-kinks.

Got weird when she wanted 2 safewords. A fake one, and a real one. The fantasy went from me just being some random macho archetype or character, to her wanting to feel like the real me was raping her. That is, for it to feel real, she wanted to beg/protest using my real name and imagine the real me trucking on after the (fake) safe word.

All from a girl who wouldn't so much as ride me because she didn't like feeling like the dominant one lol, yet I'm expected to transform into a psychopath to get her rocks off.

So yeah, I'm fine with rough sex. But where I draw the line is rape fantasies that go beyond neandrathal manhandling, especially if the girl wants to edge it closer and closer into feeling like the real thing.

And, well, this girl was not in fact totally sane and stable outside of the bedroom either. Now one piece of anecdotal evidence doesn't hold any weight for a generalization, but I'll admit it did make me a little weary and incredulous of obsessively BDSM-oriented girls.

caesarfecit · 2017-04-22T01:46:44+00:00

Here's the conundrum: there's obviously a point where almost any kink can be taken too far.

But we'll never totally agree on where that line is.

My personal attitude is kink is the spice of sexuality. It's very easy to do overdo it, and things are just... bland in the total absence of it.

I think there's two big dangers with kink.

The first is people agreeing to do things they honestly wouldn't be comfortable with, but do it for other reasons, like pleasing somebody. This is the big danger with things like group sex and open relationships.

The second is escalation to an absurd or downright self-destructive point. This is the danger with things like danger sex and extreme S&M. I think part of what makes sex so taboo and naughty is that there is an inherent element of sadism and masochism. You can dress it up as much as you like, but it's there. That's why sex is so often associated with power.

I think sometimes it's fun and ultimately harmless to play with that dynamic, even accentuate it. But you can definitely take it too far and wind up the disturbing territory that sexual killers and pedos occupy. And it's something that must be acknowledged honestly.

Ultimately kink is like hot sauce. Sometimes it makes a dish, sometimes it ruins it.

IIHotelYorba · 2017-04-22T04:12:27+00:00

I keep encountering this term "kink-critical" feminism, and it's usually a negative term. Refers to unfun, unliberated squares who want to criticize what goes on in the bedroom.

Of course. As time goes on and they become more powerful just like every power structure feminism becomes more draconian. You hear many feminists decrying "choice feminism" in general, and think feminists should be their personal army to achieve their own pet political goals.

Do you take a face value people heavily involved in the BDSM scene when they say, "It's pure fantasy and has no bearing on my personality outside of the bedroom."

It's honestly even more feminist bullshit, springing from postmodernist myth and the myth of the blank slate aka "everything is a social construct." You're a very submissive girl and you'd be that way even if your uncle didn't fuck you. Your uncle fucking you is just the reason you also like to get punched full on in the face.

An interesting angle, especially regarding highly-submissive kinks is that it helps that person process past trauma.

I'm very skeptical about it "helping" anything.

Well, ok, that is kind of a conversation stopper because it does feel really shitty of me to criticize how a victim of assault deals with their pain.

Well feminism is about making you feel shitty and like you're stepping on everyone's toes.

But, self-harm is a common way to cope with trauma. We seem to unanimously agree that cutting yourself is unhealthy behavior, but letting a sexual sadist cane you til blood is drawn just seems like self-mutilation via proxy. How is the latter ok?

This is an interesting point and probably right on.

I'd also be weary to take at face value every guy with a very violent rape fetish as being "strictly into the fantasy with zero interest in the real thing" It seems easy for a full-fledged sadist to learn the safe-BDSM pro-kink-feminist lingo and infiltrate that space This may be the wrong sub for this, might have more to do with feminism or psychology. Although power dynamics during sex are frequently discussed here and just sex in general, so what do you guys think?

In addition to the title question: Where do you personally draw the line?

Being a cuck is one step away from being a bugchaser and two steps away from cutting your own dick off. I find these people fucking vile on an emotional level. Then again, I used to have a very dim view of gays 20 years ago. Who knows, maybe ABC will host a show about endearing cuck characters and we'll all get to know them and fall in love with their crazy antics and personalities. Maybe in 20 years I'll be standing in a port-o-potty finger fucking a 22 year old while a pride parade for the CBC community: cucks, bugchasers and consensual sexual cannibals goes on outside.

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[deleted] · 2017-04-22T00:13:54+00:00

When you either A) become completely incapable of having normal sex or B) start forcing it on people that want nothing to do with it.

mistresswhat · 2017-04-22T01:09:20+00:00

We seem to unanimously agree that cutting yourself is unhealthy behavior, but letting a sexual sadist cane you til blood is drawn just seems like self-mutilation via proxy.

Maybe this is an unpopular way of looking at it, but the problem with cutting is that you shouldn't make the decision to use a likely unsanitary method to give yourself potentially permanent scars that will reveal your mental health history to anyone who sees them when you're in a state of emotional crisis. Treatment for people who self-harm generally focuses more on fixing the root problem rather than the self-harm itself.

There was a list going around tumblr a while back of alternatives to try when you feel like self-harming, and more than a few of them were physically painful -- I recall that "wax your legs" was definitely on the list. I mean, you can say yanking all the hairs out of your skin by the root is just socially acceptable self-mutilation, but I too have a history of visiting the waxer when I'm upset and it totally helps, so I can't judge. I often see intense workouts recommended to people who are dealing with difficult emotional issues, and those can be painful too. What's the difference?

Physically extreme sensation can provide relief from emotional crisis, and I don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe not always the healthiest, but that's on a case-by-case basis and very hard to determine if you're not the person's therapist.

comfysofachair · 2017-04-22T02:03:48+00:00

Good question. For me...

Since sex is not supposed to be an individual event you have to be mindful of your partner's pleasure. I will go to great lengths to ensure her satisfaction. As I hope she would for mine.

That said; hateful, disrespectful, or selfish behaviors are out. I am fine with role playing but not when it belittles a group (little people, for example). I know you want a list of forbidden activities but the physical act is a reflectivition of the mental/emotional. And muddy water sports are nasty.

despisedlove2 · 2017-04-22T02:16:34+00:00

X becomes unhealthy when it starts interfering with your ability to lead a productive life.

X=kinks, sex, eating, drugs, ...

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-04-22T02:25:15+00:00

Do you take a face value people heavily involved in the BDSM scene when they say, "It's pure fantasy and has no bearing on my personality outside of the bedroom."

Of course. If someone says X, I'm going to assume they mean X (although, confusingly, this isn't always the case). Also...I'm not sure what you define as "heavily involved" but my favorite type of sex is bdsm. I'm not part of a community/multipartner scene though, just me and my bf.

An interesting angle, especially regarding highly-submissive kinks is that it helps that person process past trauma.

It really can help in some ways, yes. Personally though, normally I use Littles-play/age-play to do this. To each their own.

Well, ok, that is kind of a conversation stopper because it does feel really shitty of me to criticize how a victim of assault deals with their pain.

Hardly. Just because something is helpful to one person doesn't mean it exists in a bubble. Everything can and should be open to some degree of critique so that it can be made better, safer, and more understandable.

But, self-harm is a common way to cope with trauma.

Also true. I never cut because, y'know, scars. But I did/do bite myself when under stress to help relieve mental anguish.

We seem to unanimously agree that cutting yourself is unhealthy behavior, but letting a sexual sadist cane you til blood is drawn just seems like self-mutilation via proxy. How is the latter ok?

I think it can be okay if used sparingly and both partners understand the underlying issues that cause the pain to feel "good". The 2 main dangers I can immediately think of are if the sub uses this as their sole form of stress relief, or if they partner up with a true sadist who may bend/manipulate the sub for their own desires. It's best if the traumatized/recovering person is aware of their needs and takes time to contemplate exactly how the sex they're into is aiding or hindering their recovery.

In addition to the title question: Where do you personally draw the line?

I draw the line at permanent damage of any kind, or doms/partners who are willing to put their needs above their subs/partner's physical and mental wellbeing. Regardless of the role you take or your sex or gender, your needs are just as important as theirs and should be respected as such.

shogunofsarcasm · 2017-04-22T02:42:55+00:00

I am in to some strange things so I try to be open to all sorts at least non-judgmentally because what people enjoy is their own business,

however:

I do not think it is safe or ok if one person actually doesn't want to be involved in the kink, both people have to at least be willing to try

I do not think anything that involves extreme irreparable damage to a person to be ok, a few little scars are fine, needing stitches probably isn't. There needs to be at least some semblance of safety involved

Otherwise, if you are doing it to have fun or to get over past traumas, enjoy yourself.

Unabummer80 · 2017-04-22T04:30:17+00:00

I'd also be weary to take at face value every guy with a very violent rape fetish as being "strictly into the fantasy with zero interest in the real thing"

Except with this, usually it is women having the fantasy. Which makes it acceptable and therein lies your rule for feminists. If it is kink that benefits the woman it is fine, if it just for the man's pleasure it is weird and creepy.

ManSentHisOwnWay · 2017-04-22T09:04:50+00:00

I think every kink can be done/had healthily. It's only when it negatively affects your mental health and life that it comes problematic.

I agree with you that it's too easy to just make the bedroom a no-go when it comes to discussions about power, feminism and sexual politics. We should be able to critically discuss kinks, fetishes and sex in general.

sunkindonut149 · 2017-04-22T13:10:32+00:00

I've looked up the kink scene because some of my classmates in college were on fet life for some reason. There's a resurgence of "male doms" apparently and its considered creepy by the nerds in the real S&M scene.

Entropy-7 · 2017-04-23T02:30:27+00:00

It becomes problematic in a relationship if your required kinks exceed your partner's acceptable kinks.

More generally, if it interferes with more normal daily activities such as holding down a job, maintaining your household, and having social interactions with friends and family.

Take note that in many jurisdictions, heavy BDSM is actually illegal on the theory that there is a limit to what a person can consent to. The legal beagles can track down R v. Brown out of the UK and R v. Welch from Ontario.

The most problematic issue I see is cutting. Instinctively I feel there is something wrong with it but if that is how they deal with their issues there is a case to be made that it isn't much different than getting excessive tattoos or piercings, or the adrenaline junkie who risks life and limb.

Personally, I draw the line at scat or drawing blood.

Entropy-7 · 2017-04-23T02:30:27+00:00

It becomes problematic in a relationship if your required kinks exceed your partner's acceptable kinks.

More generally, if it interferes with more normal daily activities such as holding down a job, maintaining your household, and having social interactions with friends and family.

Take note that in many jurisdictions, heavy BDSM is actually illegal on the theory that there is a limit to what a person can consent to. The legal beagles can track down R v. Brown out of the UK and R v. Welch from Ontario.

The most problematic issue I see is cutting. Instinctively I feel there is something wrong with it but if that is how they deal with their issues there is a case to be made that it isn't much different than getting excessive tattoos or piercings, or the adrenaline junkie who risks life and limb.

Personally, I draw the line at scat or drawing blood.

oneandforall · 2017-04-22T01:22:04+00:00

Why do feminists care what people do in their own bedrooms? Didn't they fight for LGBTQWFDSJ rights?

WhiskersNT · 2017-04-22T02:52:34+00:00

I think having all that structure and rules like they do in a bdsm community, and making a lifestyle out of your kinks is kinda lame. To me that's crossing a line, it doesn't seem fun anymore at that point

Title	Q4ALL-When do Kinks become problematic or unhealthy?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	6
Comments	56
Date	April 22, 2017 12:09 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/66t0c6/q4allwhen_do_kinks_become_problematic_or_unhealthy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-when-do-kinks-become-problematic-or.268690 https://theredarchive.com/post/268690

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