Question for dads and men currently in committed relationships; did you fall into typical gender roles and before the relationship how strongly did you believe in gender roles?

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-05-30T16:51:23+00:00

My mindset completely changed when they put our baby in my arms.

At that point it wasn’t about anything- even gender “roles” it was all about “I want to be the best dad you could ever have”.

Turns out just loving them and doing your best while being who you are seems to be working.

harmonica2 · 2024-05-30T17:11:39+00:00

I am in a relationship but I don't know if their are typical gender roles as opposed to just two people loving and supporting each other.

Purple_Cruncher_123 · 2024-05-30T17:22:32+00:00

Some aspects of our relationship is 'traditional' sure. Others are more egalitarian. I've mentioned elsewhere, but I think of it more as a lead vs. support than a male vs. female role. Historically, society aligned men = lead and women = support, but that need not be the case.

Both the fiance and I do corporate work where travel and long days/meetings are involved. On days where I WFH, I do the cooking, days where she's at home, she does the cooking. We split chores based on preference and ability. We split care of our dogs (I walk him at night, she walks him during the morning/day).

It's about what works, not what society tells you about how it 'has to' work. A good chunk of it for us is having a clear communication system about what tasks/chores belong to who so there's no confusion. We solved this by having a shared Google Sheets, and it creates an accountability system we can negotiate on if anything seems unfair. Hate to toot our own horn too much, but we've managed to avoid a lot of petty arguments I've seen in other couples because we don't allow it to get there to begin with (we do of course have arguments about bigger things in life as others would).

wtknight · 2024-05-30T18:22:23+00:00

My relationship is pretty traditional. I do most of the work and bring in most of the money. My wife does most of the chores. I’m not a father, though. Things just worked out that way because that’s what each of us prefers to do.

Wattehfok · 2024-05-31T03:17:07+00:00

Not a dad, but the missus and I have been together for over 20 years.

For the most part, no - traditional gender roles aren’t really a thing for us. We just do what works for us.

We’ve never been big believers in traditional roles - despite the fact we both grew up in pretty traditional households.

She’s always been smarter and more career oriented than me. I work hard; but I just want a job. I’ve never wanted a heap of money or a fancy job title.

She works longer hours than me, so the greater burden of housework falls to me. That’s as it should be.

We’ve both got stereotypically male and female hobbies, she’s a girly girly and I’m a very masculine dude, but that doesn’t really play into our roles.

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Fan_Service_3703 · 2024-05-30T17:54:11+00:00

(Not a dad)

Never liked or believed in "gender roles", though did spend teen years thinking as a man I needed to be big and powerful and a provider.

GF earns 2-3x as much as me. If we go for dinner or to a hotel, she decides where we're going and she pays. If we're just getting a few drinks we'll take it in turns each round.

We're both stylish. She expects me to make a great deal of effort with my appearance and I expect the same of her (unless there's a good reason like illness or time contraints). I would not be comfortable wearing jeans and trainers while she's in a dress and heels.

In terms of gifts etc, we've probably spent about equal amounts on each other. She's bought me much more. I've bought fewer but far more expensive items.

Dense-Tell-6147 · 2024-05-31T00:12:23+00:00

No. I married a progressive woman after several years living together.

I knew we wouldn’t fall in traditional roles and so it has been since, especially with kids.

Kapoue · 2024-05-31T03:45:26+00:00

I tend to do the manual work because I'm better at it. My gf does more cooking than me because she enjoys it. We split the rest.

It's not about gender roles, it's about our roles.

cromulent_weasel · 2024-05-31T03:04:41+00:00

I would have been happy to be a 'home husband' but my partner didn't earn nearly enough for us to live on her income.

CraftyCooler · 2024-05-31T07:23:54+00:00

I didn't believe in gender roles in relationship and our marriage is egalitarian(i think so at least), but not in the sense that we have some 'ledger' of chores, we both are doing our best to have everything done. When our son was born I was trying really hard to do as much as I can - so obviously when I was not at work I was also changing the diapers, ironing the clothes, waking up at night to feed with the bottle and making a bath of our newborn son was mainly on me, because my wife was not confident enough. But - my wife was doing majority of stuff regarding the child care for first 3 years because I am making enough to provide for us, and we've also both inherited some money so we have other sources of income and we've decided that it will be better like that.

Now majority of things related to raising our son is on me during the day, because I am wfh and my wife is commuting to the office, so making a breakfast, going to preschool, making a dinner, visiting the doctors is also on me. My wife is better organizer - so she is usually setting up these appointments, and she is usually doing the shopping and she is very good at technical stuff regarding house, so it is on her to plan and organize any renovation etc.(we also have flats for rent so she is running this business mainly by herself).

I'd say that it is working for us, because we are using our best skills to reach the goals, not really looking into what is 'male' or 'female'.

AstronautExisting230 · 2024-05-30T20:14:31+00:00

if you're in a committed relationship and you're still on this subreddit, you're wasting your time.

kongeriket · 2024-05-30T23:25:09+00:00

Short answer: Yes. And yes.

I make a lot more than she does and the only reason she still works is because it's somewhat fun for her. She didn't work in the first 4 years of our son, though. If her income would become zero again, I'm not even sure I'd notice in the household's finances for several months, lol.

I've always been conservative on these things. And specifically fished for a wife who was willing to adopt a conservative lifestyle if/when children are in the picture.

ksmigrod · 2024-05-31T04:07:48+00:00

We initially knew, I will work longer hours (8+commute), and contribute more to our finances. My wife is a teacher in public school, less hours, less money.

I expected pretty even split of chores, but when our son was born situation changed. She pushed him into my care as soon as I returned from work and she took responsibility for house chores.

Now the boy is 10 y.o. I'm supervising his schoolwork, I transport him to extracurricular activities and I spend quality time with him. My wife cooks for us, washes our clothes.

So it is neither traditional, nor even split in responsibilities.

abaxeron · 2024-05-31T09:51:29+00:00

I did not believe in gender roles at all until reality started hammering me in the face. My SO was an infrastructure engineer until her health collapsed under weight of constant business trips to remote locations. After recovering, she decided that it's time to have a child. The child got born also with some health complications that required just enough attention not to afford her pursuing career opportunities (and childbirth was not smooth). Currently, I have been a sole breadwinner for more than 10 years. It's taxing, but I carry on.

McTitty3000 · 2024-05-31T07:38:31+00:00

I believe in gender roles, I believe in the man being the head of the household the woman being the heart of the household, and you go from there , now in the grand scheme of things I don't think I'm the best person to ask about fatherhood because I was a teenage father and my kids are grown now so I wasn't perfect in terms of raising them, but one of them has a very traditional marriage, the other one is single right now but yeah, I don't know if I answered the question but there you go lol

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