Is this guy a red flag?

Consistent-Citron513 · 2024-08-30T06:14:56+00:00

Yes, there are many red flags here.

Desert_butterfries · 2024-08-30T07:19:44+00:00

Block him

greendream15 · 2024-08-30T10:21:04+00:00

What everyone else has said: he is a bunch of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.

Your concerns are valid.

He was testing your boundaries bringing up sex.

You sound like a lot of things he’s doing makes you feel uncomfortable. You’re aware that you’re infatuated and admitted to being a people pleaser.

If you feel like this is worth continuing, I think you might face a lot of disappointment, suffering and rebuilding of your self.

My younger self would stick around thinking I could probably change him, but my current self would tell this guy we don’t want the same things in life and cut him lose—complete no contact and block on everything.

Believe what he’s telling you except the sweet-talking.

I don’t think he’s worth it.

Enjianah · 2024-08-30T10:48:31+00:00

You are talking about red flags, when you should be thinking of compatibility. This guy wants to have freaky sex, and you don't. Do you really need to expend and write so many words to come to the conclusion it won't work out ? Sometimes being direct and plainly honest rather than trying to analyze for hours to find excuses is more productive.

sodarnclever · 2024-08-30T10:55:19+00:00

Hi, people pleaser in recovery here.

It will be a valuable skill for you to learn not to laugh off your discomfort, or shrug off bad behaviour. The cool girl / girlfriend act will make you seem to have values different than yours truly are, and will attract the wrong people.

Learn to speak up about how you feel, if the person you are with doesn’t like it and no longer has the same level of interest, that’s not the person for you.

I am not suggesting you be judgemental or hyper critical, but when a boy says he drank with an unavailable woman and then fingered and fucked her, it’s okay to say that makes you uncomfortable. Laughing it off makes you appear okay with the infidelity, with him potentially taking advantage, with his crude sharing of his conquests…

RaquelP98 · 2024-08-30T05:58:50+00:00

Yes, he is a red flag. Men disguise their degenerate tendencies with “honesty”. He was overly honest to you about how he views women/ sex. Keep that in mind when thinking about moving forward with him. Is this a man you want to be with the rest of your life? Will he make you feel safe? Will he protect your vulnerability? You are a virgin and you are so young! Please don’t let some loser who just wants 🐱 to get you attached only to break your heart for another girl. He actively slept with a woman who had a boyfrend, he has no morals. He has experienced sex with many women and won’t find it special with you. My advice, don’t date men in their 20’s. They are all extremely horny, not financially stable, and don’t plan on getting married anytime soon. A virgin woman is so rare and you are so important! Don’t let just anyone inside your life or inside your body.

little7bean · 2024-08-30T17:20:37+00:00

girl. run. he’s sleeping with women who are taken? what’s stopping him from sleeping around when he’s dating someone too then? clearly has no values. and admitting u want a threesome is annoying too. hate when men do tht

Tight-Suggestion3033 · 2024-08-30T20:57:17+00:00

He sounds like the kind of guy who wants the trad wife home but then will go out and get his “needs” fulfilled outside the marriage. Not worth it. You’re still young you’ll find someone better.

HaleyMayc · 2024-08-30T15:48:15+00:00

Many red flags, and you should also be upset he did that while she was drunk. He's a POS. Drop it babygirl

Admirable_Oven_8690 · 2024-08-31T03:03:01+00:00

He has no remorse. He's gonna do the same to you. Drop him gurl.

lady_marm · 2024-08-30T13:11:40+00:00

He's telling you what he wants/values very plainly. He likes freaky sex and wants more of it. That makes you uncomfortable and is unlikely to change unless you compromise your own values. To some, he's a red flag. To others, you're just not compatible. Either way, I personally don't see this relationship transforming into something better/great for either if you. You fundamentally are looking for different things.

What concerns me most is that he seems to be testing your boundaries by bringing up sex like this. I assume he knows that you are a virgin and take sex seriously, so he should know you are not compatible. If you choose to stick this out a little longer, I'd just keep a cynical eye out for any coercion or boundary pushing.

Ultimately, it is your life and your relationship. I think you already know this won't work out as you have painted him as a red flag in your mind already and these conversations have made you uncomfortable. All I can say is trust your gut and make solid decisions. If something is telling you that there's something off about this guy or situation, you might want to really really reevaluate things.

WildCardWinner · 2024-08-30T23:27:51+00:00

If a man with any type of home training brings up sex around you, you should react uncomfortable and disgusted. Don’t laugh it off. Walk away. This is called VALUING yourself. If he has good parents, their words about being a gentleman in front of a LADY will come rushing back and he’ll realize he is messing up and is losing a good girl.

Young lady you are more valuable than you can imagine and the game is to trick pretty women into giving themselves to smooth talking, non commital sex junkies.

You are a lady and should be surprised that a man would have the audacity to speak about that type of thing in front of you.

It’s degenerate and he’s gauging your reaction.

If you react disgusted, he will feel shame and will be either man enough to apologize or will double down on being a little boy and will act offended that you’re “upset at his honesty.” It’s a desperate trick to sleep with you.

You are losing the game and you need to button up because the more you laugh and stay silent. The less respect he has for you.

If he feels shame and changes his ways there might be hope but I’m more inclined to believe he’ll do the latter solidifying that you are just a toy to him that he will use potentially giving you a child, an std and at the bare minimum I PROMISE: emotional damage.

Men are proud creatures, don’t reward this guy for acting like a pig, and punish your future husband with the trauma that will come from this guy bragging about hitting you along with 4 other chicks.

You get one first time. Demand a ring for it.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2024-08-30T11:21:16+00:00

He sounds like a horny young man. Nothing here sounds abnormal (he takes sex easily available to him), but you don’t seem the agree with how he views sex, so you’re likely not compatible in that way.

icounternonsense · 2024-08-30T16:26:32+00:00

another thing he said that alarmed me was that apparently every man fantasizes about having a threesome

This is absolutely not true. Statements like this only serve to paint other men in a bad light.

This guy is exhibiting a number of red flags - no doubt about it.

TheXemist · 2024-08-30T17:35:23+00:00

Hey, I talked to people like this and you can be blinded by the first person who comes at you being “super sweet & nice” and validating your existence, when everyone overlooked you before or treated you like you weren’t important in their life. It’s a trap, don’t fall for it! The kinda guy you’re looking for DOES exist, you just gotta search a little longer and be ok being single a lil while longer. You’ll find out later you weren’t even in love with him at all, just excited because he gave you a fake mask of love when behind the mask is a rotten sense of values & ideology. You do NOT love a person who doesn’t love your values back. Don’t let him convince you your beliefs are wrong, or that he’s just “living his best life”, from what you describe he’s a sex pest. If you try being friends with him first he’ll probably just go away too lol.

Don’t lose your virginity to this guy, he seems gross and doesn’t see a partner like you see a partner, you need your equal. I promise you there are guys out there who aren’t going to resent you for not doing a three some, are a flight risk for hand waving cheating, and actually deeply desire a genuine loving, reciprocal relationship with a woman.

I like to say, go for someone older, I reckon only 0.01% of 24 yr old boys are serious about women, and need to sort who they are first before they start moulding their own woman (probably for a lack of modern manhood initiation). That still doesn’t weed out time wasters 100% but you gotta keep looking for someone who sees relationships similar to you. Be their best friend for 6 mths. If they stop talking to you or visiting you regularly before then he doesn’t see a serious future with you.

AutoModerator · 2024-08-30T05:27:41+00:00

Title: Is this guy a red flag?

Author scream0fthebutt3rfly

Full text: Hello,

I (21F) am seeing this guy (24M). For context, I am a virgin, and really value the act of sex. The guy im seeing has way more sexual experience than me.

Anyway, he told me something that really concerns me the other day. He's in the army, and while deployed in Europe, he had sex with a girl knowing she had a boyfriend.

For context, we were talking about strange sexual experiences (he brought it up), and he told me how she was just a friend, but she got drunk, and he started fingerings her and had sex with her in a public place.

To me, this was a huge red flag, but I just pretended to laugh, although I was deeply disturbed by this revelation.

I think it is horrible he did this knowing she had a boyfriend.

I really like him, but I think his sexual past is just too much for me to take.

Also, another thing he said that alarmed me was that apparently every man fantasizes about having a threesome, and this was one of his fantasies as well.

I am totally not okay with this, and I'm a bit sad that he was so jovial about this. I just laughed along because I am a huge people pleaser.

Also, I find it a bit disrespectful to talk about this kind of thing with you're trying to get to know.

Anyway, are these valid concerns to have? I got cheated on in my last relationship and it traumatized me. I don't know if I'm overreacting or what.

Other than this, some other things that bother me is that he is kind of avoidant, but also not. He doesn't respond to half my messages, but begs me to video call him (we are temporarily long distance due to an internship I'm doing in a different state). I'm just so infatuated with him right now just because we've spent so much time together, and he can be genuinely sweet at times.

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janeb0ssten · 2024-08-30T19:36:09+00:00

Trust your gut. You know there’s something (many things!!!) wrong here. Drop him and move on; you can find someone better!

No-Comfort1229 · 2024-09-01T10:57:23+00:00

you should believe your intuition, this man is probably not right for you, you can read between the lines that your subconscious already feels this even if your conscious mind doesn’t want to accept it yet.

TheBunk_TB · 2024-09-01T18:46:11+00:00

I know that I am a little late to the party, but I have pondered on this for several days.

Unpopular position:

I think you both have a mismatch of goals and desires.

It isn't a red flag to have a fantasy. You both have a mismatch in taste there. He isn't "wrong", he is different than what you are desiring. (I desired something different than my lifelong partying gf).

The drunken encounter? A toss up. (I have been the one pawed at and dry humped). Disgusting? No. Is it a little concerning that he messed around with someone that has a bf? Could be. Depends on if the dude was a guy from his unit or friend group. (A red flag is someone that doesn't have a code and wreaks havoc in his environment.)

I have never been responsible for a woman's fidelity. Personal accountability should be their responsibility. It isn't mental jiujitsu.

I have also been the young man forward deployed in a foreign country with beautiful women. I did my best to meet a woman to start a life with (US and overseas) and observe a Christian family life. It was tough because of the availability of RPW type women. It was also easier to deal with stress by drinking and carousing. ("The church" wasn't exactly pro-active in providing an alternative).

Your concerns are valid. This guy might not ever get it out of his system. You both may also have a different approach or beliefs on sex, dependent if he is interested in committing to monogamy.

(Please note: I am not a huge fan in engaging in sexual activities with women that have had anything to drink. Our current legal system in many places has made it clear and it is better to steer clear of it. I also think that you should be a "freak without warning" completely sober.)

mysteryprincesse · 2024-09-04T00:04:21+00:00

Honestly not many men voice out their fantasies and crazy sexual experiences that much, I don’t know what to say about that openness of sexual desires. It’s giving I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE I HAVE GAME AND I KNOW HOW TO F.CK just like teenage boys trying to boast about imaginary girlfriend they had and crazy sexual fantasies they had imagined and lie to girls and their friends to look cool.

Anyway if the stories are true : RUN 🏃🏻‍♀️

I have a feeling this guy has zero sexual experience and wants to look cool it’s super unusual for men to say stuff like that and especially in a proud way and to a person they are getting to know, most men would keep that to themselves in hopes to not scare the girl away thinking they are a creep, it’s just weird af tbfh

Typical_Search3368 · 2024-09-04T02:45:47+00:00

Who is worse, him for having sex with a girl knowing she had a boyfriend or her for having sex with a guy knowing she had a boyfriend?

I'd say her. Unless she was blacked out drunk, she made the choice to sleep with him. If she was willing to cheat on her boyfriend, it would've happened eventually, whether with him or another guy. Women are the guardians of sex, and she let it happen.

Guys wanting threesomes is pretty damn normal.

Don't sleep with this guy and lose your virginity to someone who doesn't value it like you do. I'd only consider it after this guy has demonstrated his commitment to you. So, a committed real relationship at the very least. You can't sleep with him for awhile due to the distance anyway.

But no I don't think him having sex with a girl with a boyfriend or wanting to have a threesome are red flags.

VictoriaHand616 · 2024-09-08T13:22:39+00:00

That's not just one red flag! That's a series of crimson flags.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2024-08-30T13:20:31+00:00

Men are supposed to be the leader in a relationship. If there's something about him that causes you to feel emotionally unsafe or just uncomfortable, then he will not be a suitable leader for you.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-09-01T14:07:04+00:00

I will give you a couple of alternate takes, for balance:

I think it is horrible he did this knowing she had a boyfriend.

He didn’t cover himself with glory, but don’t you think that’s really more of a “her” problem than a “him” problem? She cheated on her boyfriend, he didn’t.

apparently every man fantasizes about having a threesome

Yeah, that’s pretty much true. 99% guys just aren’t gonna be able to put it together though.

Anyway, are these valid concerns to have?

Sure, if these things make you uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, though, it just means the two of you are not compatible on these issues.

I got cheated on in my last relationship and it traumatized me. I don't know if I'm overreacting or what.

So there’s a thing that women sometimes do where they hold the next guy responsible for whatever the last guy did. Be careful of that. I wish I had a dollar for every time I got to say “I’m sorry your last boyfriend was mean to you.” Just be careful of that going forward.

One thing to remember in life is that there are people who are different than you. That doesn’t make them good, it doesn’t make them bad, just makes them different from you. Similarly, when it comes to relationships, you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you. Good luck.

Calm-Confusion7530 · 2024-09-03T08:16:36+00:00

Just so we're clear: He raped his friend while she was drunk.

Dionne005 · 2024-08-30T13:02:38+00:00

You’re 21. Why bother with all these committed relationships. Get what you want out of life vs pouring out. You have control not the men. These guys are not your husband. If you have to ask if it’s a red flag it most likely is 100%. Enjoy life and your dating opportunities while you’re young. Get free things. And guess what…you don’t have to have sex for it.

CountTheBees · 2024-08-30T06:34:28+00:00

It's worth further investigation. Don't let on how you feel until you get more information but I think it's too soon to cross him out as well.

It's possible he told you because 1) he was horny and thought it would make you horny and lead to phone sex 2) he was ashamed of how he acted as well and needed to get it off his chest or 3) trying to impress you with his ability to score with drunk loose women (?)

Anyway. I think you could have asked follow up questions like "did you ever see her again?" Or "do you know if she broke up with her boyfriend after that?" Or "would you ever date a girl like her longterm?"

The threesome thing as a fantasy... Lol, sure every guy thinks about it. It doesn't mean it has to be a reality. Again some follow up questions would be good. "Is it on your bucket list or is it just a fantasy?"

Bringing up sex a lot while getting to know you could be a sign that he's only interested in sex and not you longterm, but it could also mean he's horny. Hard to tell.

I hate to say it but some military guys also visit brothels while deployed.

Ask follow up questions in a neutral tone. He'd get the hint from your (platonic) questions as well that if he's trying to impress you/arouse you it's probably not working. And then you can judge how sincere his attempts to backtrack are.

He's probably going to continue bringing up sex so I'm sure you will get at least one opportunity to ask questions.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-08-31T09:20:48+00:00

Clearly he is not your type for multiple reasons. Move on honey.

I don't think he is being wrong or disrespectful. He is field testing what you are into. You are not into it. Even worse you find it traumatic. He is a walking mental Trigger. Please just move on quickly. Save yourself and RPW the drama.

Title	Is this guy a red flag?
Author	scream0fthebutt3rfly
Upvotes	14
Comments	44
Date	August 30, 2024 5:27 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1f4nkjy/is_this_guy_a_red_flag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-this-guy-a-red-flag.1528829 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528829

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