Our conversations devolve into fights so often :/ help.

SRaeM92 · 2022-05-15T16:13:41+00:00

I dated someone like that. I wish I had good advice for you, but honestly, there’s a good chance that characteristic is engrained in them from childhood experiences, or simply their DNA. Not only does he have to be right, you must subscribe to his way of thinking as well. And I’m sure if you tried to explain your plight regarding your unease about this, he’ll probably have a difference of opinion and… well, you know where I’m going with this. Best of luck to you, friendo.

Fingapapit · 2022-05-15T14:21:47+00:00

Have you considered introducing him to Jordan Peterson? One of the Petersonian ideas is "You don't really win in a fight with your spouse - if you insist on that, then you're with a loser" - he might see it differently when put that conversations, especially with spouse, need not be arguments

girlwithasidecar · 2022-05-15T15:53:15+00:00

What sorts of topics are you fighting about? Is it a difference in values?

Catesa · 2022-05-15T15:21:59+00:00

Ask questions. Allow him to decide that he was wrong without saying it directly. He sounds prideful, allow him to save face. How do you know that others experience the things the same way that you do?

CigarettesandAsh · 2022-05-15T16:55:58+00:00

In my experience, this is a big sign of insecurity. He's trying to control other peoples' POV because it makes him feel safer/more secure. I have no idea if this would work, but I'd try approaching it from that angle but make it about yourself. Something along the lines of:

'When we discuss things, it hurts me when you immediately disregard my thoughts and opinions. It makes me feel small and unloved, and I feel like you bring up topics just so you can shut me down. I don't enjoy talking about things when you deride everything I say.'

Chances are he'll argue about that. From then on, every time you feel him getting super argumentative, just say 'O.K.' in the most bland, defeated tone you can muster, and refuse to engage him on the topic anymore. He asks you a question about whatever you were arguing about, just switch the topic to something mundane or say something like 'I have to go and put a load of laundry in'. The rule is that he gets one chance every time a topic comes up. So, for instance:

Him: My coworkers ordered pizzas, and one of them was Hawaiian. Who the hell orders Hawaiian pizza?

You: Maybe someone asked for it? I find that everyone says they hate Hawaiian pizza, but somehow it's always the first to be gone.

Him: No, pineapple on pizza is an abomination and anyone who likes it is fucked in the head and God hates them (yada yada yada).

You: (in the most depressed, defeated, fed-up tone ever) O.K.

Or, in a better case:

Him: My coworkers ordered pizzas, and one of them was Hawaiian. Who the hell orders Hawaiian pizza?

You: Maybe someone asked for it? I find that everyone says they hate Hawaiian pizza, but somehow it's always the first to be gone.

Him: Not in our office. Every other pizza was eaten, but half of the Hawaiian pizza was still sitting there, molding on the counter top.

You: Eh, different strokes for different folks.

The key here is to make sure he knows that his argumentative style is hurting you. Every time you say 'O.K.' it needs to be a reminder of that conversation where you laid that out. This is based on the concept that men want to be protectors. It should cause him pain to know that he's hurting you. On the flip side, you need to encourage any deviation from his argumentative style. If he gives a little leeway to acknowledging that other people have different experiences, or says things in a less heated way, or whatever change for the better you might see, you need to reward that by continuing to engage.

However, if his need to be right is more important to him than the knowledge that he is hurting you, there's no fixing it, and you'll have to decide if this is something you can live with forever.

Anonymous_fiend · 2022-05-15T17:04:59+00:00

When my fiancé does some mild version this it’s usually because he is feeling disrespected (even if I’m not disrespectful). He feels disrespected by people in the outside world so he wants a safe haven at home. When it feels like I’m challenging him or disagreeing he feels the need to prove himself. And when I get hurt/frustrated/invalidated and react from that it can be emasculating. He wants me to look up to him. I’ve learned to express my opinion in a more playful way. And when it’s not the right time to debate/discuss things. If he has a lot on his plate mentally he may not be in the right mind frame. Then I give him some space if he’s feeling bothered. He has issues saying he’s wrong in the moment but afterwards he’s able to apologize.

Maybe he wants you to admit he’s right all the time because he wants you to look up to him. Or he’s feeling insecure in some way. Find some ways you can build him up/show respect during these conversations so he knows you’re just trying to connect with him/doesn’t get defensive. And yeah I do think you’re activating that side. When men talk to each other about opinions they tend to be like this. Emphasizing your girly side/playfulness usually helps imo. Also tone really matters. React only to his words not his tone. And watch yours. A lot of fights are about deeper feelings/issues.

henrycatalina · 2022-05-16T09:28:45+00:00

" I never learned anything while I was talking" this is a helpful piece of advice. I need to sell in my career and questions are the most powerful tool.

You ought to have him explaine and define "connected". Genetics? Yes. Maybe in the future? Unknown. Never again? For now yes. In the past, yes. Useful in the future? Unknown. See how pointless the argument becomes as you explore with questions.

You can't win arguments or get anyone to see another perspective without asking questions. Acknowledge their point of view first.

Facts are independently verified. How you feel about your father and family is not verified except by you. No convincing anyone.

Next argument, only ask questions and don't respond by disappointment or disagreement but rather curiosity and acknowledge his points but dig deeper. He'll be forced to wonder what he won.

Being a know it all is unattractive and you should subtly explain this somehow. I know I've been guilty of this as I know lots of obscure information about many subjects. It is a family trait which I grew up around. Best to be controlled.

herzogin_eva · 2022-05-15T14:45:47+00:00

Wow are we married to the same person?

I don't really have an answer for you other than I've sort of given up on sharing my opinions with my husband at the moment. It's not worth me sharing if it's just going to cause pointless conflicts. Maybe one day when he's ready to listen and consider perspectives that are different than his I will, but for now, I'll find other ways to stimulate my mind.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-05-15T15:24:31+00:00

Bad defensive mechanism?

Niki_Biryani · 2022-05-15T16:10:15+00:00

He also has a very strong moral character

Ohh. So one of those virtue-signaling types? God, they are awful to deal with. Everyone needs to realize that most humans are capable of doing evil. We should stop being naive and understand our own proclivity of evil. We are all made the same way and if circumstances were different and if we were in someone else's shoes, we might not be as moral as we pretend to be.

Someone put it very accurately in a short video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8cAD0DEcJE

Furthermore, being intolerant of differences of opinion is getting more and more common these days. Especially, with social media pushing everyone into the same unified thinking process where diversity of thought is looked down upon and thoughtcrime is becoming somewhat common.

Your partner needs to be a little more open-minded, more tolerant, and a lot more humble. You are making him sound like a teenager.

riceweight · 2022-05-15T17:21:03+00:00

It’s a good thing he’s just a boyfriend, otherwise I’d not have good advice.

I dated someone like this. Lasted 2 months before I got sick of it and broke up with him. He asked for feedback, I cited this as a main reason, he couldn’t wrap his head around why it was wrong / irritating. I moved on to a man with strong morals but also a very curious and explorative mindset.

Dating is for vetting. Marriage is for maintaining.

If you’ve already emphasized how important peaceful discourse is to you and your boyfriend refuses to understand, you need to consider how important this point is to you in a relationship.

minimalistorange · 2022-05-15T18:52:46+00:00

Truly I am dating this person 😭 lol

henrycatalina · 2022-05-16T11:41:09+00:00

Best to laugh it off but not make sport of him.

aussiedollface2 · 2022-05-16T21:08:24+00:00

My husband is a lawyer and very opinionated lol. Not to stereotype but it’s true. He’s toned it down over the years and learning that he can’t negotiate people out of their feelings or opinions. It’s just a certian personality type tbh xo

Nervous_Shock3909 · 2022-05-18T12:07:19+00:00

Eh I think I'm like your boyfriend a little, idk often I feel like I need to be heard too, because I never was heard growing up. But I listen to what others say. Although I think I have this problem to, I guess u gotta get him to realize he needs to listen to

purple_pansy88 · 2022-05-23T00:13:04+00:00

My husband is exactly like this, has been ever since I met him. It's not so much moral character but with him it's being 'logical' and doing things 'intelligently'. I just humor him or if I'm not feeling like it I quietly and gently disengage from the conversation and I don't give his behavior space in my life. Whenever I continue with my point it makes everything worse and can turn into an argument.

He's a very efficient man when it comes to machines but he has no idea how to deal with people. In fact he's socially clueless. I'm not an expert at all but I think I'm better than he is when it comes to common sense during everyday social situations. I can see when his behavior is bizarre or offensive to other people but he can't.

We all have shortcomings. Mine is that I'm slow, prone to anxiety and I struggle with binge eating. I have to put up with his faults and he has to put up with mine.

Title	Our conversations devolve into fights so often :/ help.
Author	Furry-snake
Upvotes	33
Comments	35
Date	May 15, 2022 2:08 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/uq6wko/our_conversations_devolve_into_fights_so_often/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/our-conversations-devolve-into-fights-so-often.1114144 https://theredarchive.com/post/1114144

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