One of the main ideas of RP thinking is to recognize the truth of sexual and relationship dynamics even when the truth is uncomfortable. In this spirit, I'd like to address the concept of infidelity in its many forms. TRP is amoral, which is not the same as immoral. We're here to understand human nature, this does not absolve us of morality. Understanding human nature can help us better navigate life. Needless to say, not I nor anyone else here is condoning hurtful behavior

Nothing happens in a vacuum

There are many reasons why people step out of their marriage. Here are a few.

  • A lack of sex
  • A lack of intimacy
  • Sadness
  • Loneliness
  • A lack of good boundaries and safeguards
  • Feeling trapped
  • Feeling unheard
  • Midlife crises
  • Revenge
  • Annoying spouse (nag, critical, etc)
  • Feeling ignored
  • Narcissist

I'm sure there are more reasons. We may not like these reasons, we may disagree or be vehemently opposed to these reasons, but that doesn't change that people commit adultery for these reasons.

Please note that these reasons are in no particular order except for the last one. It's last on purpose because it's rare. Most people in this world are not narcissists. Most people who cheat, aren't doing so just because they can, they're doing so because something is wrong. Maybe that something is legitimate and reasonable, maybe it isn't. It's still a something which is the reason for the cheating.

We can only fix ourselves

We can get into a whole debate, trying to understand why they don't just divorce, but this won't help us, so I'll stay out of it in the post. I may or may not address it in the comments. Point is - people don't leave for a multitude of reasons, some legit, others not legit. That's their problem. What we need to know is the things that we can change about ourselves so we can lesson the temptation for things to get as far as cheating.

A big part of fixing ourselves is this simple but potent question - am I doing all that's incumbent upon me to fulfill the needs of my spouse? (There are many types of needs).

Often times, people cheat only after trying relentlessly to communicate the issue to their spouse. If they feel like they aren't being heard, like they're talking to a wall, it means that someone isn't listening. If this is you, you ought to work on listening. It's easy to just "dump his/her cheating ass" and you're perfectly in line for doing so. However, if you don't learn to really listen, what will stop you from repeating the cycle in the next relationship?

Same is true with regards to many other areas of conflict. The adultery is just the pot boiling over, there were many moments of rising heat which led to the pot finally boiling over. We each need to ask ourselves - how can I improve? We need to have introspection even if we aren't even close to infidelity.

Blame and empathy

When I was younger I'd hear stories of infidelity, divorce, abuse etc and my reaction would be that of extreme rage, anger and blame towards one party and extreme sympathy, hurt and understanding towards the other party. I'm a very active member of my local community. In this capacity, I am exposed to the deep dark secrets of many. One of the things I've learned is that things are hardly ever black and white and that I don't believe either side unless I know 100% for sure. I assume that each side is telling part of the truth and exaggerating the rest.

As an outside observer, it's important to know that your empathy is very helpful and your blame is very unhelpful. No matter how black and white it seems, empathy - even towards the one you think is dead wrong - is very helpful. Blame is very unhelpful. Unless you're the judge, jury or law enforcement, it usually doesn't matter who's to blame. What does matter is - how can I improve? What can I learn from this?

Empathy is to identify with the feelings of another. (This is not the same as sympathy.) Blame comes from a "high horse".

Conclusion

You don't need to condone anyone's infidelity nor do you need to take back a cheating spouse. However, understanding why they cheated should be a wake up call to fix what you can fix. It's easy to be part of the bloodthirsty mob who wishes to lynch the cheater and it's just as easy to repeat the same mistakes next time around.

People don't cheat just like that, there's always a reason. Sometimes the reason was something you could have fixed, other times not. We can't safeguard ourselves 100% against being cheated on, but we certainly can increase our chances by decreasing the temptation for our spouse to cheat.

I wish you all to have happy and successful marriages. May we take home the lessons without ever experiencing it in person, in the family or among close friends. Amen!

Cheers!