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Is it normal to feel severely depressed after casual sex? How do I stop feeling shameful and worthless?

September 1, 2021
103 upvotes

Two nights ago I hooked up with my next door neighbor neighbor. I had no intention of hooking up with him, but with the influence of a great deal of alcohol it happened. I feel a lot of shameful and regretful feelings related to my actions, because as much as I feel a strong connection, I know it was nothing more than sex for him. I learned post-hook up that he just ended a decade long relationship a month ago, and he still feels strong sexual and romantic feelings towards his ex. In addition, he’s 37 and I’m 25 so the age gap also makes it difficult to believe we could have any real chance at dating or a relationship. Although all signs point to not seeing or hooking up with him again , I still can’t stop thinking about the intensely intimate night we had and these thoughts give me the urge to reach out again. However, with all of the background information he shared about the connection he still maintains with his ex, I can’t help but to feel like I was just used as a rebound. It’s shameful for me, as I never participated in hook up culture, and it’s hard for me not to believe that he doesn’t think of me as an “easy slut” every time he passes me in the hallway or street. Is it normal to have such intense shame and sadness following a hookup? How do I forgive myself for letting myself be used by an older man?

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Post Information
Title Is it normal to feel severely depressed after casual sex? How do I stop feeling shameful and worthless?
Author SignificantCap8064
Upvotes 103
Comments 16
Date September 1, 2021 7:53 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/is-it-normal-to-feel-severely-depressed-after.1066746
https://theredarchive.com/post/1066746
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/pg1na5/is_it_normal_to_feel_severely_depressed_after/
Comments

[–][deleted] 149 points150 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Don’t worry about reaching out, I’m willing to bet my retirement savings that he will hit you up in a week or two for sex. He'll try to convert you to a regular fuckbuddy cause you're young and convenient. Don’t believe anything he says and read between the lines, if it feels like it’s just sex for him, the “connection “ that you’re feeling is hormones so for your own sake tell him to fuck off right then and be stern. Make it clear it was a one-night thing and he needs to come back when he’s ready to date you. Having sex with him again will increase your attachment but to him you’re a post-breakup rebound, probably one of many and this will become a cycle of you getting confused and hurt.

[–]flowerpower102938 26 points27 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I will bet my retirement savings too that he will hit u up first. Ignore and block

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m sure he will, and I’m already looking forward to ignoring him. After I have observed his behavior with other women at our neighborhood bar, it’s clear he is desperate for sexual validation. He is a dud.

[–]Optimal_Grapefruit_5 95 points96 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Negative feelings after one-night stands are more common than many people care to admit. You have to allow yourself to let them go and stop caring about what he thinks. You had a drunken night with a meat dildo, don't punish yourself for it.

What you're feeling is coming back from an oxytocin high; that's what keeps you thinking about that night. There are plenty of things other than sex you can use to boost oxytocin. Spend more time with your friends and show them you care, bond with them over a new shared experience, listen to them empathetically. Cook and eat something nice with someone you care about. Do something nice for someone. Pet dogs. Try yoga or meditation. Go get yourself a massage.

Spend the weekend focusing on taking care of your oxytocin levels and by Monday you'll have already forgotten that guy. Stay away from alcohol 'cause that inhibits the correct release of that hormone.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Thank you for your words! I will most definitely attempt to gain an oxytocin release through non-sexual means. It will be a challenge but I will be better off for doing so.

[–]Optimal_Grapefruit_5 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You're most welcome! I look forward to you taking good care of yourself and feeling a whole lot better.

[–]cicerii 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

He made it clear to you that you’re a rebound when he shared about his ex

[–]bananasplitchocodip 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s okay :) this happened to me too. Take it as a lesson, and know it’s not for you moving forward. It doesn’t feel good to know/feel you’ve been used, but with time you will feel more accepting towards it and realize it’s taught you a valuable lesson about yourself. Head high :)

[–]Deneive 56 points57 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh my.. I am so..so so so sorry for you. YOU did nothing wrong. If you feel ashamed maybe it's because you realised you were used and that you let that happend.. I had a previous similar experience like that.

Honey, you didn't deserve this, you are worth the love and not this bullshit.. With alcohol it is easier to say that "he did nothing wrong" and "We agreed together". But the thing is: he did wrong, he should have waited you to be sober.

The best way to feel better is looking at you in a mirror and say louder that you are worthy and you deserve to know the real love, the "real sex" and the real relationship. If needed you can also talk to him, explaining that you are not OK with this, and you felt used.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for your comment! In the aftermath, I’ve felt like somehow it was my fault that I let myself get intoxicated and sleep with him; but him waiting until we were both sober would have been the most responsible thing for him to do.

[–]dancedancedance7 29 points30 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah casual sex sucks cause you get treated casually. Also, this guy totally did use you. My advice is block and delete. He KNEW he was still into his ex, but got with you, which is super irresponsible and inconsiderate of your feelings. Bet he knew it was also a bigger deal to you and didn't care. People can tell.

Don't drink around people who aren't close friends or family imo. Easiest way to get into dumb decisions. Also don't beat yourself up, we have all been there. The way you forgive yourself is to promise to never do this again to yourself and keep your promise.

[–]Lavender_flowFDS Specialist 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

going to leave this up because good advice was given, but please read the main sub @ OP. Casual sex is not a good thing for women, and please read the handbook. You leave yourself vulnerable in so many aspects, where one is your health, this guy could have STD's etc sand you wouldnt know. Men lie all the time. Dont do this to yourself. As you have experienced, most of the time women do not even get an orgasm out of the deal, so emotional risk, risk of diseases, being used etc, is just the start of the list. Again please read the handbook.

[–]Livia_Drusila 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Girl, celibacy cured my depression! It started because of COVID but then I realized it was actually doing wonders for me. I was a mess for years, crying all the time, not focusing on my studies, etc. and now I'm more ambitious, calm and emotionally balanced. Save the sex for your future life partner and focus on your goals, you'll thank yourself later! As for this dude, just let the time pass and you'll totally forget about him, I promise. There are more interesting things.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Wow, the past self you described is exactly what I am going through now. It is very difficult to remain focused on self-care and my academic obligations when my mind is wondering where he is and what he is doing. In the week since our sexual encounter, I’ve managed to avoid any more sexual intimacy with him BUT we have spent several long nights “hanging out” as friends. It is very confusing because he pours his feelings out to me and insists that I’m such a lovely presence in his life, however, he fails to express any interest in being more than just friends. I’m a very empathetic person, and I hate to see that he is in pain due to life circumstances, but he demands so much emotional validation and labor from me. Meanwhile, I’m falling deeper and deeper in an emotional attachment. Nevertheless, he is emotionally unavailable due to still being in love with his ex girlfriend of 10 years. I’ve dug myself in a deep hole. I wish that I could never speak to him again and just cut my loses, but since he lives in the apartment unit next door his presence is unavoidable in my life. It is going to be very difficult to break ties. I’m going to try my hardest to focus the attention back on myself. I so appreciate your comment.

[–]Livia_Drusila 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, he's definitely just looking for sex, and his ex is always going to serve him as an excuse not to commit to anyone. We women are usually all emotional and empathic, making up fantasies in our heads of what we wish they were, while they're just thinking about their dick. It really helps to de-romantize them in our heads and not see them as these tortured souls that we have to save... They literally just care about their weens, lmao. Celibacy and browsing FDS truly made me see the light and stop being in an emotional crisis all the time. Besides, sleeping with random dudes and "falling" for them (or what we imagine them to be), exposing ourselves to their mistreatment or ghosting, only lowers our self-esteem and makes us think that there's something wrong with us. I totally relate to that anxiety of "I wonder if he's ignoring me!" and the addiction to that feeling... Thank god it was years ago! It only made me miserable; a high value man will never string you along or make you insecure. It's better to just do things you love and try to be around high value people, even if you think that you don't deserve it at first. I'm on that road myself and the successful lawyer and writer that I want to be doesn't lose her time crying over porn-addled and emotionally retarded losers. I'm glad that my comment was helpful! :)

[–]fogplum 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Take this as your lesson, but please don't beat yourself up over it. We've all had lessons like this. These feelings are normal and standard - casual sex is not healthy or beneficial for women. At best it makes us feel like shit - at worst it's dangerous. Please avoid this guy, he just wants to use you.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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