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Feeling humiliated and objectified *trigger warning*

September 22, 2021

Last night I was hanging out and watching a movie with a guy I’ve been into for a while, and I was very excited to hang out, catch up, and enjoy some laughs. Sex was most definitely the last thing on my mind, because I am working through body image issues and boundary setting. Therefore, I decided to take sex off the table for the time being. Fast forward to last night, while we were watching a movie together he repeatedly kept touching his genitals and making sexual comments about my outfit. I laughed it off and immediately changed the subject hoping that his sexual urge would die down, but he just continued to touch his genitals and sexualize me. After awhile, he grew frustrated and forcibly grabbed my hand forcing me to touch his genitals. I was in shock and I immediately disassociated. Every part of me wanted to say no and walk out, but he was responsible for transporting me home and there was no chance of me affording the long Uber ride home. So I gave in and proceeded to give him oral sex. I figured the experience would be over sooner rather than later. However, he continued to get more and more aggressive with me shoving himself done my throat, forcing me to gag, and tightly wrapping his hands around my throat while tears were noticeably streaming from my face. The more I was in pain the more he seemed to enjoy it. As twisted as this all was, I was hoping that at least after this I could derive some sexual pleasure, but he offered no pleasurable touches. After we were done, he told me that he’ll have to teach me the way he specifically likes it next time around. I was mortified. I was hurt. I was humiliated. I was silent the whole way home and he seemed clueless as to why. Today, I am so shaken, but I don’t really know how to communicate my experience to the people in my life. I know it wasn’t the brightest of actions to spend time at his house, and I know the people in my life will heavily criticize me for doing that. So, I post here in the hopes of receiving some calming words, as my anxiety is sky high today.

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Post Information
Title Feeling humiliated and objectified *trigger warning*
Author SignificantCap8064
Upvotes 110
Comments 33
Date September 22, 2021 8:45 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/feeling-humiliated-and-objectified-trigger-warning.1074903
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/ptg4cb/feeling_humiliated_and_objectified_trigger_warning/

[–]dancedancedance7 159 points160 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Uhh this is assault. Block, delete, and never talk to him again.

Also if you do not want to have sex, don't ever feel pressured to engage in it! Guys who push through your visible discomfort are softcore rapists. Yes they're not clueless or confused, everyone can tell when another human being is severely uncomfortable, they are raping you.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 59 points60 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

Yes, have already blocked and deleted. Thank you for this validation!

[–]Cessacolypse 40 points41 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Please file a police report.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 23 points24 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I have no evidence :(. Plus I’m almost convinced he make my life hell, as he’s my neighbor.

[–]Cessacolypse 26 points27 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I forgot to add that if he starts harassing you, then he’s adding fuel to his funeral pyre. How many houses down away from you is he? How many feet, if you could estimate?

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Well, next door, but recently his been staying at his family home several times a week. That’s where I met him yesterday. He lives in the apartment unit next door usually .!

[–]Cessacolypse 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Ugh, fuck. Do you have a ring camera doorbell? And indoor security cameras? A chain lock on your doors/dowel rods in your sliding doors and windows? I have all of these as well as bars that go under the doorknobs to keep the door from even opening. I’m a rape and abuse survivor, so I have extra security on my home to feel safe. It may be helpful for you to do the same not only because he lives next door, but also for your peace of mind.

[–]_cnz_ 20 points21 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You don’t need evidence to press charges, all you need is your story to start an investigation. At minimum, the police will arrest him and you would be granted a restraining order.

Also go to the hospital and get a rape kit ASAP. They can still collect evidence orally and assess for physical damage to your throat, possibly even check under your fingernails for DNA. Go with a trusted friend or you can call RAINN and they can send a trained victims advocate to meet you at the hospital

[–]Competitive_Bar8657 21 points22 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Please please get therapy and learn to say no. No is a great word, you deserve your needs to be catered to abs your words valued! It’s a great boundary setter, you have to learn to actually say it out loud when you don’t want something!

Meanwhile, report this rapist, word it EXACTLY that’s he RAPED, FORCED you against your will, don’t use ambiguous language like “ugh I guess he kinda moved me and I went down on him” this is rape. It’s not the time to mince words please report!!!

[–]FDS-GFY 55 points56 points  (13 children) | Copy Link

This is rape.sorry I hit send too soon. I feel Awful for you.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 20 points21 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

Oh , gosh, really? I hate to admit that, as I didn’t explicitly say no. I definitely felt violated, and I haven’t been at ease ever since.

[–]FDS-GFY 43 points44 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I don’t see a difference between violating and rape. But I support you no matter what. It doesn’t matter what we call it. This guy is scum.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 25 points26 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You’re right. It doesn’t matter what we call it. The intent is still the same. Ugh he’s so disgusting 🤮.

[–]FDS-GFY 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Dear heart. I am so sorry. You do not deserve this.

[–]Cessacolypse 51 points52 points  (8 children) | Copy Link

This is rape. Regardless of you not saying no, you felt as though you couldn’t. You said no to sex earlier in the evening. You ignored his initial advances. He grabbed your hands and put them on his genitals. He choked you with his penis regardless of you being uncomfortable. He was your only way home, and you were afraid to say no because of it. You were afraid because he was aggressive. Call the police. File a report. Get a restraining order. This is rape.

He didn’t ‘have no clue’ as to why you were quiet. He knows exactly what he did. And he deserves to be served with a restraining order for it and have his name and reputation fucked because he is a rapist.

Please report him. If anyone gives you backlash for it, remember that we are here for you, and we will support you, and you can tell the people who are giving you shit for reporting it to go fuck the selves and jump off a cliff. Because they are not worth being in your life. They are not worthy of you.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 17 points18 points  (7 children) | Copy Link

Thank you for this! It’s hard to acknowledge reality. I’ve never felt like this before, and I never imagined being a victim.

[–]Cessacolypse 23 points24 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

You’re dissociating, it’s normal for you to be confused about what you’re feeling right now. And my love, it does not matter whether you have ‘proof’ or not—your experience is proof enough. Police will be assholes and may ask you victim blaming questions, but that’s because it is a male-dominated career full of power abusers, narcs, and misogynists. Remain adamant during filing the report that you made it clear you were only coming by to chill, not be violated, and he forced you by grabbed your hands and pushed your head down—and he did so even more when you tried to get up from the discomfort and the pain. You could have passed out. He could have killed you. You don’t need proof, all you need is your experience.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 17 points18 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I’m very scared to do this.

[–]Cessacolypse 17 points18 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

If we lived near each other, I would go with you. Do you have any one that you trust enough to Leo you with this?

Edit: realized what I said sounded creepy so I just wanna clarify that I DONT know where you live, and am assuming we don’t live near each other.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Yes, but I feel far to ashamed to tell any of my closest friends, because I’m truth, they warned me. They said is “energy was not good” and that he gave them “creepy vibes.” So I feel like this is an “I told you so moment.” I feel so embarrassed because I actually fought with my best friend to defend his character. It sucks to be a young woman in desperate need of make validation.

[–]Cessacolypse 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You just fell into pick me traps, hun. And honestly if your friends fucking utter any semblance of an ‘I told you so’ then they are NOT your fucking friends. I would gladly give you my number and Face Time with you while you do it, if that’s the case.

You should not feel shame—you did nothing wrong. The feelings of shame are what our patriarchal society has imbued within our souls and shoved down our throats, and we’ve been conditioned to accept that shame and multiply it when bad things are done to us so that these scrotes can continue to get by unbothered.

I urge you to reach out to the/a friend that you feel is the least judge mental out of all your group and let them know that you need help doing this.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 12 points13 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I’m nervous to even leave my apartment, as I know he hangs out at the bar next door around this time. I don’t want to risk leaving my apartment right now and have him manipulate me with “kindness.” I think I just need to settle my emotions and clear my mind and do it tomorrow.

[–]Cessacolypse 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You can call the police and have them send over a squad to your home and start the report there. Tell them you were —… fuck I wish I knew how to like ‘spoiler alert’ text so it isn’t so bluntly put…— orally raped and you want to file a report and get a restraining order. Make sure* they give you the report numbers.

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 33 points34 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Is this your neighbor you’ve posted about previously?

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 32 points33 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Yes, I hadn’t spoken to him for a bit, as I was just trying to focus on myself and my priorities, but he called me up yesterday to apologize and invited me over on “platonic” pretenses. I know I shouldn’t have gone over. Despite all the discomfort he has made me feel, I guess a small part of me had affection for the kind parts of him I’ve experienced. It was definitely an action against my better judgement. I should have just continued no contact sigh.

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 74 points75 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

What happened to you is sexual assault, and I’m so sorry. Nothing of what happened is your fault, you didn’t make him assault him by existing in his space, he did it. You can take responsibility for your choices without taking blame, the pain he caused you lies squarely with him. Please never speak to him again.

[–]sacrallife 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Him inviting you over under "platonic oretenses" shows intent. That bolsters your claim of assault. As soon as you get there, he switches up. Turn his ass in. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You are so right. Thank you for this support!

[–]fierce_and_mightyFDS Specialist 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m sending you so so much love gorgeous. I am extremely sorry he behaved that way. He is beyond vile. He belongs in the pits of hell for all eternity. Do not blame yourself for his behaviour EVER, okay? You don’t deserve to feel embarrassed or ashamed and as another commenter said, people who say “I told you so” are not your friends sadly (but also gladly because thats a shit friend if you ask me). You have people who care about & love you so much and others who would do anything to help you be happy. Allow them to be there for you before you decide to push it down so far it causes yourself more pain in the long run. Please take care of yourself by filing a report asap 💞

[–]Livia_Drusila 5 points6 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

I remember telling you to block and delete this douche a while ago, now I feel like maybe I should have been more emphatic? :( I still didn't expect him to turn out to be a rapist... I'm so sorry this happened. I'm here if you need anything.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

You were absolutely right! I should have stopped talking to him after our first encounter, but I feel for the intense love bombing that followed our encounter and that drew me back in. He is clearly not only a very sad and low value man, but he is also extremely manipulative and dangerous. He hates women and I was a victim of that hatred.

[–]Livia_Drusila 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He's a total piece of trash! Even worse because he knew you had a crush on "him" (actually a fantasy). Something similar happened to me, it was so nasty.

[–]SignificantCap8064[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m so sorry you had to go through a similar situation. It is just awful. I feel like I’m totally spiraling. If you feel comfortable sharing, I’d love to chat about how you made piece with that situation.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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