Last night I was hanging out and watching a movie with a guy I’ve been into for a while, and I was very excited to hang out, catch up, and enjoy some laughs. Sex was most definitely the last thing on my mind, because I am working through body image issues and boundary setting. Therefore, I decided to take sex off the table for the time being. Fast forward to last night, while we were watching a movie together he repeatedly kept touching his genitals and making sexual comments about my outfit. I laughed it off and immediately changed the subject hoping that his sexual urge would die down, but he just continued to touch his genitals and sexualize me. After awhile, he grew frustrated and forcibly grabbed my hand forcing me to touch his genitals. I was in shock and I immediately disassociated. Every part of me wanted to say no and walk out, but he was responsible for transporting me home and there was no chance of me affording the long Uber ride home. So I gave in and proceeded to give him oral sex. I figured the experience would be over sooner rather than later. However, he continued to get more and more aggressive with me shoving himself done my throat, forcing me to gag, and tightly wrapping his hands around my throat while tears were noticeably streaming from my face. The more I was in pain the more he seemed to enjoy it. As twisted as this all was, I was hoping that at least after this I could derive some sexual pleasure, but he offered no pleasurable touches. After we were done, he told me that he’ll have to teach me the way he specifically likes it next time around. I was mortified. I was hurt. I was humiliated. I was silent the whole way home and he seemed clueless as to why. Today, I am so shaken, but I don’t really know how to communicate my experience to the people in my life. I know it wasn’t the brightest of actions to spend time at his house, and I know the people in my life will heavily criticize me for doing that. So, I post here in the hopes of receiving some calming words, as my anxiety is sky high today.
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