First post- discovered MRP more than a year after wife had affair. Would like feedback

2ndal · 2019-01-31T22:38:28+00:00

think about your situation

wife has an affair
an affair is not a boundary for you, you are okay with it
even after affair your wife doesn't fuck you (she does not respect you nor is she attracted to you, and she knows you won't leave when she explores other dicks)
now you have a wife who fucked around with some other dude and is not meeting your needs but is still getting value from you ($)

what exactly are you getting out of this situation? and don't give me some BS about the kids, about the relationship being not too bad!

CaliEd256 · 2019-01-31T21:49:39+00:00

I spent 2018 learning how to meet her emotional needs.

Did the marriage counselor tell you to do this? Faggot blue pill motherfuckers, all of them.

Anyhow wife’s words and actions(the ones I can see) now suggest she’s in this marriage.

I'm confident you're about to get the shit kicked out of you by the guys on here, but I will say this. Only YOU can decide if you to stay in the marriage or not. There's a saying from Rollo Tomassi,

Be Your Own Mental Point of Origin

So absolutely ask for advice, take the good with the bad, learn from it, but no one else can make this decision for you. And to be honest? It sounds like you already have.

cholomite · 2019-01-31T22:04:29+00:00

Stop giving a fuck about your wife and her emotional needs. She isn't on your team, she doesn't have your best interests at heart and she never will. You are the only one in your marraige who truly cares about you. She is only with you as long as it benefits her. That emotional needs bullshit is just her rationalizing why she wanted that guys dick and not her husband's. Don't believe her words, only her actions.

I'm not going to call you a pussy for taking her back, but I guarantee she has thought that at least once. Women respect men who don't take any bullshit and put themselves first. You didn't do that when you took her back, and she sure as shit noticed and respects you less now because of it. She would have found you more attractive if you had told her to fuck off.

Now you can certainly build yourself into a strong desirable man who she respects and wants to be with, but you're starting from negative numbers instead of just zero. Step one is to get the fuck over her. By taking her back, you've demonstrated that you don't have options and don't respect yourself enough to choose a woman who doesn't cheat on you. You don't have to divorce her, but from now on she should be like, number 7 or 8 on your top ten list of priorities. You should be number 1, even if it pisses her off. Stop thinking about her, or her feelings, and start thinking about how you can make yourself into the best version of you that you can possibly achieve. Good luck homie.

DonLandsman · 2019-01-31T23:08:54+00:00

I am just wondering if there are examples out there where a man can go through this with the wife, recognize his failings, improve, and then still have a good marriage with the same woman.

Most of the time it doesn't work. I personally believe a wife affair is almost always fatal to a marriage. It's easier to come back from husband fucking around than it is a wife fucking around. This is because husbands and wives cheat for different reasons. When a husband cheats, most of the time he's not looking to offload the marriage. When a wife cheats, she's usually looking to replace the husband.

Anyhow, she ended up fucking around with some guy who started out as a shoulder to cry on as I was not as ‘emotionally available’ as she needed.

Bullshit. She cheated because she wanted to have sex with another man. It is not your fault she cheated. It IS your fault for not being the man you should have been. It IS your fault for not being the man in your marriage. But it is NOT your fault that she cheated. She made that decision, not you.

Something you need to realize is that a woman will not respect a man whose boundaries can be trampled on. When you took her back, here's what you said to her, in effect:

You promised to fuck only me when we got married. You broke that promise and worked to hide it. Even though I know you broke that promise and you admitted it, I am OK with it. I will not impose any consequences for it. In fact, I will take the blame for it by "learning how to meet your emotional needs". So you go right ahead and break that promise again, because there won't be any consequences for it.

As for the rest of it, what u/cholomite said. Right now, you need to stop worrying about her, and her "emotional needs". She didn't give a shit about your "needs" when she was fucking some other guys. Your wife does not respect you. She is staying with you for your bucks, for financial support. And all you've done is teach her how to cover her tracks more effectively, how to lie better, and conduct her affairs without using email.

RandomlyChosenTitle · 2019-01-31T22:56:51+00:00

How many women other than your wife could you call to hang out this weekend? If you can't immediately come up with at least two that would enthusiastically agree, then you're not in a place yet to determine whether staying with your wife is the right call or not.

What dread level are you on? What value does your wife add for you specifically? Check out the Cut the Shit post stickied to the top of this sub and go through the whole exercise. It'll help you take the wife goggles off and do a real self evaluation.

Also, this video addresses your situation specifically: https://youtu.be/ALMvW4_A99U

screechhater · 2019-02-01T03:29:00+00:00

What fucking planet do you guys come from that your frame is so shitty, your wife cheats ?

I cannot fathom my wife cheating on me, and me accepting it at all.

I could give ten fucks if she did, because she knew from the moment she met me, it’s a hard boundary. She knows for a fact it would be “next”. That is abundance. Do you understand ?

Do you not have a set of rules to which you prescribe ? Do you understand the very idea of self respect ?

Wholly fuck. Lift, read. OYS.

You can come out on top. But for god’s sakes, do not fred into the cunty manipulation of her getting you to work on her “emotional needs.” It’s just more manipulation

You have to accept it to keep her is manipulation. Can you not see this ??

You are not wrong to be hurt, but you are wrong to focus in on her needs. Yours must come first. The sidebar prescribed books in that order, open your eyes to this.

God speed. Iron temple. Rule #7. Sidebar.

wkndatbernardus · 2019-01-31T21:53:39+00:00

I tried forgiving and reconciling with my ex after she humped Brazilian Chad but, the marriage finally crashed and burned when she kept seeing him secretly and then finally got prego by him 8 months after discovery. So, I find it hard to believe that your wife isn't in some form of contact (oral) with her FB. That being said, I think it takes a lot of humility and mental toughness to do what you're doing (if it's actually what you want) so, big ups to you.

MrChad_Thundercock · 2019-01-31T22:14:45+00:00

“She has went to great lengths to convince me to let it go”

Of course she has faggot... pay no attention to the asshole behind the curtain.. nothing to see there.. she doesn’t want to lose her meal ticket (your $) or be outted as a cheating whore to her family and friends.

Stop being a pussy.

Cut the crap with all of this “emotional needs” bullshit. It’s called Feelz... and you ain’t providing it. All you providing is being an available emotional tampon... and she’s laughing behind your back while fantasizing about Chad.

She doesn’t care about you. She only likes your provider traits and your resources ($).

She’s giving you some duty starfish sex to keep you pacified.

CrazyLegs78 · 2019-02-01T14:20:34+00:00

I busted my wife in an apartment complex while she was supposed to be at work exactly one year ago. I have no solid proof she cheated, and she swears up and down she didn't. That's when I swallowed the pill. I spent 9 months after that dealing with an angry hamster, but I did as advised and STFU and lifted. My hamster was out of control and worrying about the situation consumed too much of my time. Then I got the most solid advice about this situation on this forum. Everyday, you must live your best life. Be happy, and be proud of what you have accomplished and are actively working toward. She may naturally fall in and contribute positively to your life, or she may not. At some point, you will know that you are a man of value. Then, when you have control of yourself and know exactly what you want and expect out of life, you decide whether she contributes enough and values you. If she does not, you will be in a strong enough physical and emotional state to simply leave. All of this has happened to me without any conversation on the subject. My wife of 14 years, the mother of my two children, knows that I will walk away if I feel like she is no longer useful in my life. I now find myself married to the same woman, but a totally different person of much more value.

Reset every day, and evaluate yourself. Does she mirror your value? If so, keep her around. No need to worry about the past - neither of you can change it. She was willing to end it all, and you must be as well.

ManguZa · 2019-01-31T22:53:14+00:00

Okay you did a lot of work on yourself. If you continue there's still one big question :

Did she work on herself? Is she really invest in your couple? Most women ask a lot from their man and don't make shit herself. And it's impossible to have a good marriage if she don't work her ass for it.

bob13bob · 2019-01-31T22:57:47+00:00

so you're mistake was getting a promotion at work to support your family... so you couldn't be available to your wife?

does your wife work? sex 2x a week? maybe a cheaper to keep her a situation with your kids... but never accept the blame for that situation. did she convince you how sorry she was? or it was your problem to let it go..

FereallyRed · 2019-02-01T01:33:11+00:00

Fuck. No.

Just Fuck NO.

What the hell did I just read?

Got to be a troll. Nobody is this much of a simpering castrated "man".

Brand new account, no responses to comments...I think there's a bridge involved.

simbarlion · 2019-02-01T05:55:38+00:00

If you would not prefer to be on your own after that, it's a pretty sure sign of oneitis, desperation, neediness and low self respect

splittinherkitten · 2019-02-01T14:32:16+00:00

This is sort of the experience I had in early 2018. I recommitted to my lifting, kept my temper under control, was best father and husband and employee and friend and boss that I could be. It took most of 2018 for stuff to get better. Now, things seems cool and everything. Could be better, but I am fairly certain cheating is thing of the past. The thing is, now that I got what I was working for I am looking back on it and can’t really let go of the anger. I think sometimes I should have just walked then. Here I am though, it’s good today but trust is not there. I don’t want to always be looking over my shoulder.

splittinherkitten · 2019-02-01T14:39:28+00:00

Thank you.

The straight talk is helpful.

Need to stop being such a codependent bitch and let her see through my actions that my stock is on the rise and my ship will sail with or without her.

splittinherkitten · 2019-02-01T04:02:47+00:00

Good deal. Take care of me, got it.

Working out is going well, getting close to 3x bodyweight DL at 175 lbs. maintaining the physical not my problem. My problem has been being a needy bitch after the affair and seeking validation. I can see how I was an ass and let marriage go to shit. Too much to explain. Yeah she’s a bitch for cheating while I been working my ass off. But I can’t change her only me. I been reconnecting with old friends, going out with work friends, and I’ve generated some interest from a few other women. Been holding off on pulling the trigger because wife been talking good game and took some actions to get me feeling like it’s a different ballgame. My fitness is mostly in order not so worried about my lifting that’s been a constant.

I didn’t take her back right away, this is a circumstance that evolved out of nearly a year and a half of conflict.

Plus, I’m gonna be quite fucked in the wallet if I don’t just get through the next couple years.

I mostly got through the rough shit from 2017 and 2018 before even discovering MRP. I just don’t trust that I really got what I was after. Also wondering if it’s even what I should be after. Definitely fear the financial ramifications of separation. But otherwise I feel I can take whatever comes.

I’m rambling. Point is. I did lots of self improvement shit throughout 2018. Wife constantly declaring love for me and trying to buy forgiveness with flowery words, some financial rewards/compensation. Like, here’s a nice gift, just want you to see I spent all my $ to make you happy please forget that I fucked that dude while my mom was dying I was just real upset. Nowadays she’s a real sweetheart but I just have trouble getting comfortable and letting my guard down. I’m an idiot. I already know. Answer is, fucking leave it’s a trap.

splittinherkitten · 2019-02-01T04:14:18+00:00

Ok ok. Pretty much got what I already knew. I held onto hope too long. Was being a dumbass pussy. I know what I need to do. There’s significant financial advantage to waiting another year or two. But, I understand what you’re all saying and thank you. I guess the kick in the ass was a good help.

splittinherkitten · 2019-02-01T14:36:32+00:00

Lol this question. What is my dignity worth, in dollars? If someone could please tell me exactly what I’d be in for financially if I walked away, I guess I could give an answer. Right now, I think the amount is more than I’m willing to pay. Circumstances will be changing over the next couple years so that I could separate myself from the situation without so much collateral damage. If I need to. Like I said, I don’t currently have a flaming cheating emergency. We went through the fighting/crying conflict in 2017 and part of 2018. Pretty quickly I turned my attention towards just being best I can be and that’s what caused things to turn around.

But- as so many others have said. The disrespect. Lying. Cheating. How to ever feel comfortable with that? Idk if I can.

splittinherkitten · 2019-02-01T18:34:14+00:00

An excellent perspective. I have considered this, too. I definitely know I could find another wife. In my years of marriage I’ve met women that I could have dated if I’d been so inclined, I expect that will continue if I get divorced. One thing that’s held me back was the realization that this is so common. I thought, ok so if this happens in most marriages then possibly she learned that cheating isn’t for her and we’ll be all good. Another thing held me back was, oh fuck I will be paying so much money to her. Right now I’m just going to keep working my plan, get stronger mentally and physically, and detach myself emotionally from the situation.

RedPillCoach · 2019-02-03T19:16:24+00:00

I was not as ‘emotionally available’ as she needed.

Oh, I am sure she was sexually available for you when you needed. Stop this DEER and Hamster crap. You are justifying and defending what your wife did and blaming yourself. Knock it off.

Spent more than a year trying to ‘work it out’. Relationship is actually good and peaceful today. Sex not as often as I want, but better than some I’ve seen.

Oh FFS! She dropped a branch swing and now she has slightly increased the sex and you are hooked like a helpless babe. Let me guess that "discovering MRP" does not mean actually reading or doing anything. AMIRIGHT?

She has went to great lengths to convince me to let it go.

Right, and what is she "letting go" to insure that there is no repeat of this....thing....that...'just happened.' What concrete assurances do you have from this cheating liar you call a wife?

I spent 2018 learning how to meet her emotional needs. She’s happy.

Great! After she submits to you, provides open media, and tracking access to he cheating whereabouts, and meets all of YOUR emotional needs maybe you are able to start meeting HER emotional needs. You did that first, right? (/s)

if there are examples out there where a man can go through this with the wife, recognize his failings, improve, and then still have a good marriage

Check out the Family Alpha. Most MRP guys will tell you it is not worth it to reward a cheater. Those who have been successful tend to be hard core Alpha types who crush the cheating liar into dust.

If you think rewarding a cheating liar by improving yourself will make her less of a cheater and a liar then you are sadly mistaken.

Sometimes you can use the existential crisis of cheating and lying to crush the old relationship and build a new on on your terms but it does not sound like you have done that. She will do it again. Why wouldn't she? You have taught her that cheating and lying gets her what she wants and she doesn't have to do a damn thing.

splittinherkitten · 2019-02-03T20:25:31+00:00

Yeah I appreciate you calling me on the bullshit. It is hard to hear and I feel compelled to defend myself but I know the comments is the whole point of doing this. Feedback. Thank you.

I did have some conditions for remaining in the marriage, such as no more stay at home mom. She’s honored that and has a good job right now. Not as good as mine but she’s working. The access to everything online and whatnot, we did that for a bit but honestly it was exhausting checking into everything, not worth it. Plus the thought occurred to me she could simply make an email I don’t know about. I still verify many things she says without her knowing that I’m doing it.

She inherited some money. Without my asking her to, she spent it on things that strengthened our position. Reducing debts(in my name), paying bills, bought furniture, some home renovations. It was enough she could have used it to set herself up elsewhere and divorce me, but instead she basically spent it on me.

I’ve improved my physicality a lot by cleaning up diet, and wife has spent some of her money on clothes and watches and shoes to improve my wardrobe. I’ve always been lifting but I’d just sort of gotten that soft middle, which is now gone.

Really the worst of my problems were in 2017 and first half of 2018. It’s like, I don’t know if I even have a right to complain anymore. Nothing here is real bad except that I am reluctant to let go of past and trust that it is really the past.

DJ_DangerNoodle · 2019-02-01T04:22:34+00:00

This subreddit talks a lot about self-reliance and not needing external validation, yet promotes a worldview where your self-worth is measured almost exclusively by attractiveness to women. I personally don’t get it

friendandadvisor · 2019-02-09T03:59:19+00:00

even stuff I’d rather not have heard.

She particularly enjoyed telling you that, seeing your soul being crushed. Sure, you saw her tears, but, inside, she was laughing and contemptuous.

red-sfpplus · 2019-02-01T01:08:28+00:00

Read my affairs post.

Fuck maybe it should be sticky. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Title	First post- discovered MRP more than a year after wife had affair. Would like feedback
Author	splittinherkitten
Upvotes	25
Comments	71
Date	January 31, 2019 8:38 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/altxih/first_post_discovered_mrp_more_than_a_year_after/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/first-post-discovered-mrp-more-than-a-year-after.210786 https://theredarchive.com/post/210786

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