Withholding sex test- Failed?

bicepsblastingstud · 2015-08-27T12:24:55+00:00

First, her using sex as a bargaining chip is completely unacceptable and I would end the relationship over that alone.

Second, you bluffed and she called you on it. Did you really say "are you threatening to cheat on me?" immediately after you had just threatened to cheat on her?

Third, use actions, not words. You don't say "I'm going to sleep with somebody else!", you just give the impression that that's an option. What you should have done after she pulled the "I won't fuck you until you apologize" card is to raise your eyebrows, stop talking, and leave without contact for >6 hours (if you live together) or several days (if you don't live together).

Archwinger · 2015-08-27T17:50:56+00:00

If she's mad enough, she probably went out and fucked someone shortly after that conversation. And thinks it's okay because you were an ass.

Dread is subtle. SUBTLE. You don't overtly threaten to cheat. Especially when the person you're threatening can put on her black dress and a pair of heels, go to the nearest club, and have 20 fuck applicants by the end of the night, without spending a dime on drinks.

I don't know you, but based on the four lines of conversation you quoted and your post, you don't sound like the kind of guy who's so awesome your girlfriend would be afraid of screwing things up with you -- who just couldn't bear to lose you.

abdada · 2015-08-27T12:09:17+00:00

You failed.

She out-alpha'd you because she knows she has options.

WTF are you arguing with women for? Ever put lipstick on a pig?

Furrealyo · 2015-08-27T12:16:02+00:00

Damn dude, she punked you.

You wrongly focused on the sex act itself, when you should have focused on her using it as a weapon. Also, you can't TELL her you have other options if she doesn't put out, she has to KNOW that already.

This bitch needs some dread badly, but it may already be too late and she may not give a shit.

Questionablechoice · 2015-08-27T12:12:28+00:00

Lets start with why you lost here:

"Don't Threaten me. I will have sex tonight weather it's with you or not" - disagree amplify but not to austerity (comes off insecure)

"Are you threatening to Cheat on me?" - Comes off more insecure

Let her walk out with the last word while angry after looking insecure - Comes off very beta

If you not already being cheated on you will be within a couple days.

You went straight to the nuclear option with no way out or abundance mentality here and likely killed this relationship.

How to do better:

Don't go to the nuclear option as the first step unless you actually have someone on the side.
The situation prior to this resulted in this test. By failing the prior test you are in a corner here. You should look at that argument not this one.
You need to know where she is in her schedule of mating to make the right move here.
Given that "you were going to have sex tonight either way" I'm assuming she is not on the rag. This is a shit test best handled with radio silence and aloofness. Women want to get fucked as bad as men. When she wants it more you withhold it from her. Make her take repeated attempts to seduce you and ignore them.
The next day or 2 after this situation you make the first move so she is getting fucked on your terms not hers.

94redstealth · 2015-08-27T12:37:04+00:00

you gave her all the power when you acknowledged the action. Ignoring and changing topics would have kicked the hamster into overdrive.

Her: "no sex"

You: "Chinese sounds great for dinner"

Her: "did you hear me"

You: "I'm glad we dont have cats. cleaning litter boxes sucks. lets go get some lasagna"

*edit - formatting

dabears3390 · 2015-08-27T13:00:06+00:00

Holy shit lmao. You failed miserably but at least you went out in a hail of gunfire, I wish you were one of my friends so I could make fun of you personally. Your only hope is now that she called your bluff is to stand your ground and recall hers. Don't you dare say a word until she comes crawling back. Odds are you blew it pretty bad and it won't be salvagable, but this is the only move that gives you a chance. In the future listen to what the other people posted before doing some off the walls shit like that since they're all spot on. Remember, girls know they can go out any night and just get fucked, don't challenge them there, it would be like one trying to challenge me in an arm wrestling competition or math, unless you're a stud you have no chance.

SexistFlyingPig · 2015-08-27T16:22:10+00:00

To maintain frame, treat her as you would any other young child. I taught 7th grade for a while. There was a quote I was given: "Arguing with 7th graders is like wrestling in the mud with pigs. You get really dirty and the pigs LOVE it."

(1)Don't get into power struggles with your girl, but if you do, (2)you must win them. You've broken both rules here and fallen completely 100% into her frame.

First off, it's ALWAYS easier for her to get sex than it is for you to get sex. So don't make idle direct threats. What I mean by "idle" is that if you don't actually have another girl that you can call right now who's down to fuck, then don't pretend like you do.

Second, you can't negotiate desire. If she doesn't want you, she doesn't want you. If she's at a point where she's using sex as a power tool in the relationship to manipulate you, then it's time to leave. I don't know what your living situation is, but assuming that she's living at your place, the correct response to her saying "We're not having sex until you apologize" is to say, "I'll go pack your stuff and you can go find a new boyfriend." If she's going to use sex as her power in the relationship, then you immediately reduce her value in the relationship to just sex. "No sex? No relationship."

The long and short of it is that she already has a new ride on the cock carousel. Pack her shit up and put it in storage, or pack your shit up and find a new place to live. This relationship is over.

George_frasier · 2015-08-27T15:50:48+00:00

Anal then dump

TheOuterRing · 2015-08-27T16:45:10+00:00

The problem here was this -

This tactic was improperly used. You were trying to establish that not having sex with her is not the end of the world. You instead made it sound like you were just really into sex and would find a way to screw someone at the end of the night, regardless of her feelings toward it.

The proper tactic was instead: "First off - sex is never a bargaining tool in this relationship. Secondly - don't think for a second that I would bend to anything just because sex is off the table. You are now creating problems that shouldn't even exist, and I won't feed it."

Something like that, basically. Use your own words with it. In the end you just basically sounded like you don't care about her and just really really want to have sex. And if she's emotional, then she definitely took it that way. Her slight towards you, I would guess, was just her being incredulous that you'd find someone else so quickly and felt the need to make a sharp jab back. Only you would know if she'd act on it.

My advice - Admit that those were not the best words to use. As long as you say this while retaining frame, you're not being beta. That's showing integrity and owning your mistakes - because we all make them. It's how you handle it that people respect and respond to. But be very firm that you just won't allow sex to be a bargain tool, and you reacted to her words rather than responded.

But just retain frame. It's not so much your words, obviously don't go spouting stupid stuff, but just how you say it. The difference between an exasperated 'I don't care' and a shrug of the shoulders I don't care, is one of them definitely states you don't care. If you care about the relationship, then try to fix it but don't scarifice anything you believe in, ie having sex with your partner when you want to, and you'll be fine. Basically a shit test was thrown at you and you tried a move that completely new to you. Noob mistake, but you'll learn from it

theredspill · 2015-08-27T15:35:29+00:00

It's over dude you fucked up bad. Even if you get back together now you've put the idea of cheating in her head, she's the alpha on this relationship move o

F_Dingo · 2015-08-27T23:08:46+00:00

I will have sex tonight whether its with you or not.

End the relationship, you screwed this one up.

JeanValjean197o · 2015-08-27T13:54:51+00:00

Mirror and escalate.

She says I don't want to fuck you then you say, "I agree. I wouldn't want to fuck you when you act like this."

Then you tell her you've got things to do and leave or tell her to go. If she doesn't stop you before you leave and apologize to you and want to fuck you right there then you still leave.

She has to apologize for the argument and she has to apologize for withholding sex. If she doesn't do it for both then she's still in the wrong.

If you live together then come back late that night or if you don't then wait for her to call you.

If she doesn't call then move on.

_penseroso_ · 2015-08-27T15:06:16+00:00

Ya I would have gone with something like Lol, we both know you can't last without some of this. Cue raised eyebrows and laughter, tense situation over.

Also, did you actually fuck up? Nothing wrong with apologizing if you said/did something stupid. If you're arguing with a woman you've already lost. Always amused mastery in that situation.

noobforlife · 2015-08-27T16:24:53+00:00

Why did you make this chick your girlfriend? From the little you wrote she sounds like a super bitch. Did you not suspect she was like this before you committed to her?

Even if she did apologize to you about her misbehavior you should next her regardless. Start pursuing other women ASAP and forget about her. If she tries to contact you again ignore her and move on.

Learn from this and in the future do your best to screen for women with personalities like this. DO NOT COMMIT to anyone unless they truly earned it. This one using sex as a weapon against you doesn't sound like someone worth committing to.

notevenatthestart · 2015-08-27T17:37:05+00:00

It went wrong when you replied with "Don't threaten me". You shouldn't have to say that. As you probably realise looking back, only a weak person needs to say "Don't do this to me" where noone would consider doing it to a strong person. That made you sound insecure.

You could have laughed and said "Okay." and then yourself left, or turned to something else. This has a number of advantages:

You've made it clear you're above the pettiness of the argument. You just aren't interested. You have more important things to think about.
She'll be wondering what you're doing, because you haven't told her. She'll be worrying about you going out and finding another girl.
You haven't forced her to take a definite position. By saying "Are you threatening to cheat on me?", you're forcing her to pick a position-- when she wants to back down a couple of hours later, it'll be harder for her to do. Forcing a woman to stick to something she said in the heat of the moment doesn't help you get what you want and it doesn't help her have a happy life.
You've demonstrated that her top weapon- a threat of withholding sex- isn't going to force you to do anything. By laughing, you've made her threat laughable. By replying, you made it threatening.

She came out of that exchange better.

Here's the thing you've forgotten: Abundance mentality. You could replace her. You don't need to say that all the time, but you do need to reflect it in how you act. If you really had an abundance mentality and she threatened to withhold sex, what would you do?

It'd be as absurd as a shop refusing to sell you apples until you apologise. You'd laugh, walk out, and go to any one of a thousand identical shops. And get some apples.

It's a learning experience and you won't make the same mistake next time.

babyboi12 · 2015-08-27T18:17:08+00:00

If you said, "Are you threatening to cheat on me," in a way that implied that you take her threat as a joke, then you are OK. You passed. If not, and you said it like, "YOU'RE THREATENING TO CHEAT ON ME, with big Bambi eyes, then yes, you failed. One way you could've dealt with this situation is ignoring her threat altogether; this way, it is impossible for her to know with certainty whether you were bluffing - unless you ignore her and walk out of the room crying (lol). The best way to react after she called your bluff would've been to say, "OK,"And leave the house for a couple hours - regardless of whether you went to go fuck another chick.

maddox45 · 2015-08-27T18:35:12+00:00

Dont apologize, let her go, if she cheats, your better off

Anon-Dutch · 2015-08-27T23:42:29+00:00

You overreacted. You got upset instead of maintaining your frame. You threatened to cheat on her. You should have ignored her threat to withhold sex, who cares if you don't have sex for one night or a few nights, you should have laughed it off, that would have taken the power out of it. Never threaten a woman, it never works out. Actions, not words.

SSolus · 2015-08-28T00:30:09+00:00

Never be afraid to walk away dude. If she wants to go out and do w/e. say alright sure. but take your shit with you and dont come back

Title	Withholding sex test- Failed?
Author	fhaoithrowaway
Upvotes	23
Comments	54
Date	August 27, 2015 11:59 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3il78o/withholding_sex_test_failed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/withholding-sex-test-failed.153053 https://theredarchive.com/post/153053

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