32 year old loser looking for advice

marthdotsk · 2017-07-07T16:03:39+00:00

Commenting as I'm reading, so bare with me.

32 year old loser

First piece of advice: no matter how bad a situation is, NEVER put yourself down. I have a feeling this will end up being your core problem, for some reason.

I'm now 32 years old and never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl or hold hands. I do not have any friends, no family and lived in complete social isolation for more then 10 years. Basicly: A prisoner in isolation has more social interactions with the guards than I have while I am free.

Okay, well you've described quite a problematic aspect here. Which begs a question: by choice, or did you somehow felt forced into this situation?

Spend most of my life behind a computer screen. I tried online dating sites. Send thousands of messages. Nothing but frustration. Not going to try again until I got enough muscle.

Online dating will never be as effective as previous experience with traditional dating. It's like what supplements are to proper nutrition and strength training.

Plus, muscle will help for the initial contact, sure. But if your personality remains as it seems to be right now, you'll be back at square one, wondering why. And we don't need any more frustrated incels with a flawed perception of human interactions.

Trying to make improvements to myself. Going to the gym to get muscle. Loosing a bunch of weight. I don't like it that much. But I guess looking good will at least improve my chances by a few percent.

As stated above, that will help with a part of the initial contact. But if the mind doesn't follow, the facade will fall.

However when I look around me I see guys much uglier and dumber then myself having girls I can only dream about. Looking good is clearly not a requirement.

And you know, that specifically is what got me interested in this topic, and this is what turned my life around for the better.

Intelligence is also highly overrated.

There's a distinction to make here. Intelligence as in cold logic isn't particularily seducing, that is true. Emotional intelligence, aka being able to read people's emotions and efficiently reacting to them, is PARAMOUNT. This will be one of your best tools, and this has a lot to do with why those ugly guys get the "hunnays".

I have read the whole of reddit by now. Read the Game and whole bunch of other stuff. Read it all!

Reading is one thing. Understanding it is another. Internalizing it is an entirely different ballgame.

I'm having a lot of anxiety and a lack of social skills.

We're getting near the core of the issue.

I get stuck just at the "where to meet girls" part of the equation. I see girls everywhere. But that doesnt really help. I could go to a bar. But then people are all talking to eachother. How to hack into that?

That's your brain rationalizing why "that stuff doesn't work", when in fact, your anxiety is pulling your strings. There are people by themselves at bars. You won't make me believe the opposite because I've SEEN and TALKED TO people on their own.

Furthermore, if you read all of seddit/reddit, you'd know how to approach sets, wouldn't ya?

At the gym are lots of girls. I can't just walk over and start talking to them. What in the hell would I have to say.

Again, rationalization caused by your anxiety. Call me an armchair psychologist at this point if you feel like it, it won't bother me much. :P But I've seen that so often, the signs don't lie.

If i can get those words out of my mouth in the first place. Confident I will most definetly not be.

And BOOM! There's the core of the issue: confidence, inner game.

But wait a second, I thought you read all of seddit/reddit. Surely you knew about the ins and outs of inner game?

Any girl will notice that instantly as well. Same for guys for that matter. Even if I was gay i would have the same freaking problem.

Care to prove that? Or do you simply just FEAR that it would be this way? There's quite a distinction between facts and fear.

"Just do what you like and have fun. Girls come later."

I'll agree this is a half-truth. Women will definitely be attracted by men who got their shit figured out, and who can not only have fun, but lead them in their universe of fun. THAT'S what turns women on. However, girls don't "just come". There's effort to be put for sure. I think the message this TRIED to convey is to become outcome-independant. You fail at approaching? Not a biggie, simply pick apart what went wrong, DON'T HIT YOURSELF OVER THE HEAD FOR IT, identify how to correct that, and tear the house down next time. That's how successful people learn. They ALLOW themselves to make mistakes, and make the most out of those.

Just like Bob Ross said: there are no mistakes, just happy accidents.

I'm frustrated and thinking about girls every single day for the last 18 years. I cannot have fun or enjoy myself anymore. I just want girls. Everything else is either a waste of time or a way to get girls. I go to the gym in the hope to improve my chances. Not because I enjoy it.

Have you asked yourself why you want them? Do you believe women will bring happiness to your life? Trust me, if the rest of your life hasn't been sorted out, relationships with the other gender will overcomplicate matters in ways you'll have nightmares about. And that's not because "they're women"; that's because women want to be around men who are in control of their lives. And if you're not, sooner or later, that will resurface, she'll leave, and the end result will be a crushing blow to the ego.

And that just above is how you fabricate incels and red pillers.

If I go to the movies (alone ofcourse)

Why the need to specify that? Stop accepting yourself as a victim of ANY kind.

it is not because I enjoy watching the movie in a theater. I do it to expose myself to the envoirement and reduce my anxiety. Going to a coffee shop or sit on a terras I do not for enjoyment. It's boring as hell. It is just to expose to the envoirement and reduce anxiety.

If exposure therapy doesn't work as you'd hope, perhaps this anxiety of yours need to be medically treated, then? You wouldn't be the first one that would have to do that, on the contrary.

How would someone talk to someone else in a coffee shop or terras. Everyone is either talking, reading or behind a laptop.

I'll sound like a broken record, but that's rationalization.

Ignoring that; what would one say?

You didn't read reddit/seddit entirely if you ask that question.

Sure I can study a few lines. But those lines of text will run out very quickly.

Lines are a gimmick. Please read seddit stuff on the sidebar. And Models by Mark Manson.

And the girl needs to follow the script or else I'm sure I get lost.

This is why lines and scripts are a gimmick.

If I cannot even get past this huge barrier. How in the hell can I have sex or, damn, even hold hands. It seems all very alien and mystical to me.

By taking care of your underlying issues first and foremost. And by internalizing the appropriate knowledge. And finally, by applying it your own way. But for that, you'll need to be secure enough with yourself. And DON'T COMPLAIN THAT YOU ARE NOT. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Every time I see attractive girls (all the time) I get slightly irritated. I cannot enjoy seeing them anymore. My desire is way too great.

The only person you should get irritated at is yourself at that point. Those women are not to blame for your shortcomings.

Time is short. I'm 32 now and every year I get older my chances to get attractive young sexually active girls get less and less.

We don't have it as bad as you'd like to believe. Women definitely don't dislike mature men, I can tell you that. Look at Sean Connery. Even if you take away his status and leave him with his looks and demeanor, this guy would be laying them left and right, simply because of his charm, his confidence. Has nothing to do with muscles.

Building a social circle out of nothing will take years. And I have no idea where to start doing that.

No it doesn't take years. Not even! And you can start by first, figuring out WHAT you would enjoy doing as activities. THEN, by trying them out and creating bonds with people who share what you like.

I need a short term quick fix to keep myself motivated and not frustrated and angry.

No. You need to take care of your own issues first.

It freaking only takes one girl.

NO! She won't help you with your issues! That's a delusion so, sooooooooo many men fall for!

How to get one stupid girl to willingly sleep with me in the short term?

Now that's creepy as fuck!

Where do I go, what do I say? What do I do?

You take care of your issues!

I'm willing to go extreme. Whatever it takes.

That's downright scary!

But I cannot afford to work on myself for years and years without any rewards to keep me motivated. My willpower is just not strong enough.

Your reward for taking care of your issues? Not feeling like your happiness depends on a set of genitals different than yours!

I do have limits like anyone else. I'm suffering for about 18 years now and am near my limit of what I can take.

Then do something about the CORE ISSUE, not consequences of it.

Every single day is a struggle. Every step is a struggle. And I just cannot see the top of the mountain. It is too far away. And the cold of the mountain is freezing of my toes and fingers.

We all have struggles, all shittier than the other. But the key is to REFUSE being a victim of these struggles.

Yes, I am extremely desperate. Every hour of every day for 18 years long.

Desperation makes you look in all sorts of wrong directions. You have stuff to take care of before thinking about going for women.

I understand I came across as really harsh, but you don't need tips on women, you need a wake-up call on issues that will FOREVER prevent you from getting people in your life if you don't dispatch those issues for good.

p1243 · 2017-07-07T14:27:32+00:00

I didnt read the entire text - I stopped as soon as i diagnosed the obstacle you have to overcome. To keep it simple and honest, you are about a decade behind when it comes to wanting to meeting and interact with the opposite gender. The very first thing you can do to improve your game, is to go out there, and talk to girls, forget about books, etc (or make them secondary) - every single one of us has had to get through this phase. Social skills are much like math, you get better at it from practicing. Good luck!

Destyllat · 2017-07-07T14:36:44+00:00

I don't normally offer this kind of advice but I think in your case it fits.

I think you need to go to therapy for yourself and sexual therapy to get over what has been built up in your head. I think cognitive behavioral thinking style therapy will allow you to work on yourself and reframe your life into a better mental state. you say it will take years to build a social circle. well, you have the rest of your life, do you think you will ever not want a social circle?

as for the sexual therapy, after you have spent a year or so dealing with your own issues, finding a caring sexual adviser will give you the confidence you need to approach this area of life. it will provide a brief glimpse at what appropriate and consensual behavior feels like. more than anything else, a girl has to feel safe in order to sleep with you. you will also be able to enjoy this period without anxiety because you know the outcome is predetermined and you can make mistakes or feel awkward without consequence

essexaspie · 2017-07-07T22:12:28+00:00

Know that you are not alone. It can help knowing that there really are others in your situation. Me, for example! Not EXACTLY, but I tell you what, it's pretty fucking similar!!

I've spent decades doing nothing, just in solitary on my PC. Never had motivation to do anything. It always been like my brain isn't quite wired correctly. Never had a clue what to do.

I'm not a virgin, but i've had VERY limited success with girls. Never had a girlfriend. Never really wanted one though, if i'm honest. I've just always wanted to be someone who can get laid, but that's never been teh case. I don't think i'm 'boyfriend materical' due to my complete lack of success in life.

I actually had lots of friends although over the last few years, they've all gotten married and had kids, and i'm still eternally single. They all have success in all areas of life. I have none.

We are similar.

I personally started actively approaching girls about 15 months ago.

I make about 20 approaches per week. I had had sex with 3 girls in that time. That's a LOT of rejections lol.

I am physically not great looking which makes my job hard.

At this second in time I am also very aware of the 'ticking clock'

I am looking intoa few things:

1/ plastic surgery. With 2 operations and about 10k GBP, I know that I can be at least somewhat 'handsome' which will make getting laid a lot easier.

2/steroids - for the muscle (I already workout 4 times per week but you wodln't know) but MAINLY the boost in confidence that I read so much about from people who have taken it. The mind shift.

3/travelling - In order to put myself in a sitation of social exposure and also be arond drunk girls who are in 'party mode' where it should theroetically be easier to get laid than here in the Uk

4/ Some sort of college course? I've always done minimum wage jobs. I'm thick. but I also have never had a clue what to do with my life. I still don't. I suck at everything. I'd essentially be picking a course at complete random, lol. But I tihnk about doing some sort of college course simply to make myself feel like i'm doing SOMETHING with my lifee, whilst also, again, puttting myself i a sitatuion where I can meet young girls

that's all i've got for now;

Where do yuo live OP?

galactic_fury · 2017-07-07T14:36:28+00:00

Sorry, there is no easy solution to this problem. What do you expect us to say? There is no fucking magic pill man. Some men and women are social and others aren't. Those that are not, they have to spend time on themselves to reach that level.

I'm willing to go extreme. Whatever it takes. But I cannot afford to work on myself for years and years without any rewards to keep me motivated. My willpower is just not strong enough. I do have limits like anyone else. I'm suffering for about 18 years now and am near my limit of what I can take.

Clearly you have no idea what it means to be suffering.

Anyways, there are no shortcuts. If you really want to make improvements, you have to make improvements in all aspects of your life.

Chicagoj1563 · 2017-07-07T14:49:41+00:00

When I was 32 I hadn't had a girlfriend or a date since age 22. My social circle drifted and I too was alone like you describe. So I can relate to where you are coming from. I was a decent looking guy, not painfully shy, and intelligent. For me it turned into a lot of depression throughout my 20s. I think this is more common than most people realize and as millennials start to get older it may become even more common since spending so much time in front of a computer is becoming the norm.

Right now it seems your focus is on what isn't working. Basically all the negatives. This should be expected given the circumstances. What you need is hope and a belief that if you take certain action you will have a normal life when it comes to women. And focus on that. You sound like your really caught up in your head right now with limiting beliefs.

What will it take for you to take action? Where is a good starting point? Cold approaching to get a number, or perhaps just being friendly with people in line at coffee shops, grocery stores, ect...

Have you considered getting involved in activities? If you were to start meeting women, do you have a lifestyle that women would find appealing? If you found a girlfriend and she started cheating on you and treating you like shit, would you dump her or beg her to stay due to not wanting to be alone again? I mention these things because it's generally not just about meeting women. It's about sorting your life and meeting women is just a part of that.

ihaphleas · 2017-07-07T14:51:44+00:00

Well, you already said you're hitting the weights. Reduce the sugar and increase protein and fat. Try fasting for a couple of days and then maybe go for eating once a day.

For your mental health, first the exercise and diet, but also: go outside in the sunlight to walk/exercise, sleep with the blinds open if you can --- get up when the light wakes you up, go to sleep when it gets dark (plan for 8 hours and no screen-time for an hour before bed), try meditating (just sit and count your breaths to 10 ... or 5 ... or 1), practice a hobby (woodworking, guitar, learning a language (duolingo is good here) ... something cheap for you to do, even better if it promotes social interaction) for 30 mins every day --- and don't just go over the same stuff, push yourself to improve a little every day.

Afraid to talk to pretty women? Talk to men, talk to old women, talk to ugly women, talk to children --- these are all people too and their interests and desires will have some overlap. Where and how to talk to people? Most people like complements, most people are quite willing to share their knowledge of food/restaurants, concerts, beaches, or whatever their interests are ... if you actually want to listen. Many people are starved for someone to listen ... or maybe that's what you're saying ... you want a beautiful woman to listen to you.

timetrough · 2017-07-07T17:00:07+00:00

Spend most of my life behind a computer screen. I tried online dating sites. Send thousands of messages. Nothing but frustration.

Ha, I have plenty of muscle. Same response, buddy. Online dating just sucks. For every guy.

Just take the pressure off for a while. The goddamn pressure was what drove my depression for years, that I had to have some measure of success at every encounter.

What are your hobbies/interests? Running, working out, salsa dancing, brunch? There's a meet-up group for any interest you could possibly have. You will notice that there are women at many of these. Don't hit on them. Just make some new friends, get exposed to new people. If you just show up, share the interest as a common thing, you'll naturally start to gravitate towards certain people as friends, and you may even notice some women showing interest in you. Once you've got a woman showing interest in you, you have made it 90% of the way to starting something with someone. So much of the damned community is about trying to get women who are complete strangers to like you, to win them over. You feel like a shitty salesman when this doesn't work most of the time. Just get out, meet some people. Try to be ok with wherever it goes.

Snazzy_Serval · 2017-07-07T18:13:53+00:00

Dude I know exactly what you're dealing with. It absolutely sucks.

I get stuck just at the "where to meet girls" part of the equation. I see girls everywhere. But that doesn't really help. I could go to a bar. But then people are all talking to eachother. How to hack into that?

At the gym are lots of girls. I can't just walk over and start talking to them. What in the hell would I have to say. If i can get those words out of my mouth in the first place.

My number one suggestion for guys like you.

Start taking dance classes. Beginning Swing and Salsa.

You will be paired up with women and will rotate every couple of minutes.

This will force you to get over your fear of women, and you will get comfortable touching them. It's also a great way to practice having conversations with them. Here's a simple conversation you can have with every girl. "Is this your first time dancing? It's my first time but I'm excited to try something new."

Before I started dancing I was extremely uncomfortable with women and I wouldn't dream of touching them. Now it's second nature.

Just don't expect to date any of them you meet while dancing. That's far more complicated. For now you just need practice.

chaosandmayhem · 2017-07-07T15:17:16+00:00

I echo the suggestion for therapy. You seem to have a lot of issues that game would probably make worse. Stop reading material and beating yourself up about it.

By the way, don't worry about your age too much. I know several guys in their late 30s/early 40s who consistently manage to sleep with 7s/8s/9s. Men generally peak later than women.

Jack__Knife · 2017-07-07T19:52:37+00:00

Loving yourself 1st will fix anything.

essexaspie · 2017-07-07T21:49:16+00:00

Where do you live?

H8CourtshipALot217 · 2017-07-07T22:14:35+00:00

not uncommon at all for guys to end up as a 30+ year old virgin, more common than you think

savagesteve_13 · 2017-07-08T02:39:06+00:00

Some advice: One thing at a time! If you want to go to the gym to improve your body, work ONLY on that, don't get distracted with worries about learning pickup or social mores and how to pour a drink and what music to like and whatnot. Do one thing, do it well and then move on to the next. That stairstep of goals is self-rewarding and enables you to move on to the next thing with successes behind you that motivate.

Title	32 year old loser looking for advice
Author	aaronfriendly
Upvotes	9
Comments	71
Date	July 7, 2017 2:02 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/6ltu4k/32_year_old_loser_looking_for_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/32-year-old-loser-looking-for-advice.1430060 https://theredarchive.com/post/1430060

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