Is 'remaining alpha' actually good for a long-term relationship??

powertheqwerty · 2018-09-06T16:15:43+00:00

I believe it is best to comfortably be yourself and to allow the other person to be themself too. This is why continuing to become a better version of yourself is important. I do not believe that saying "if I am not the best option for you then leave" is a healthy thing to say in a relationship. In fact I think it's a strange thing to say. The other person in your relationship is able to decide for themselves if they want to stay or leave.

You say that you know people in 'successful' long term relationships. Why did you put quotes around successful? People in long term relationships often are 100% commited, on both sides. Which is why they are successful.

Seduction is one lens through which to see the world, there are others. I don't think it's best to view the world through one lens constantly, which is perhaps what you are doing too much of? The best relationships don't require constant 'game'.

ISieferVII · 2018-09-06T16:58:34+00:00

1) "being alpha" is encouraged in pick-up because guys who don't have luck with women tend to go too far the other way. However, there is a balance to it. Women who don't feel safe in their relationship will act out or lose interest. Hell, same with guys. If a girl stops texting back, what's the advice this subreddit gives? Lower your interest. Start looking elsewhere, start spinning other plates, start lowering your emotional investment. But if you like her, you don't want her to do that! The trick is you want her heart rate to rise from excitement and mystery, not anxiety.

So yes, you do have to keep gaming in a relationship (keep taking her out on dates and stuff) but now you also need more empathy, compromise, mutual communication, and give-and-take, all of which may be frowned upon with a complete alpha mindset. I've made both mistakes, so the balance isn't always easy, but what rewarding things are?

To guys who get too "beta" in a relationship and are worried it'll end out of boredom, I'd stress the usual advice - keep seducing her, keep your friends who are girls, keep going out with the boys, keep a little push and pull, etc. These can help keep the confidence that attracted her in the first place alive. You sound like you have no problem with that, so for people who are worried it'll end out of insecurity, I'd stress the opposite - go to her family functions even though you don't want to every now and then, stay in a night when she thought you'd go out, use softer words, apologize, do little acts that show emotional investment. Focus on "couple skills" (as opposed to "you skills").

2) Now, saying all that, everyone is different. I don't know you guys. You sounded a bit harsh in your post but she could've just been insecure. Some people are. This sub is filled with the male version of those people, because insecure male dudes often can't get a relationship (unless they're really good-looking) because women can smell lack of confidence from a mile away. Insecure women can get in a relationship (because men are easy and enjoy regular sex) but they'll be jealous, act out, and sabotage it until they know their self-worth.

Assuming this subreddit hasn't changed much since I last visited it, lots of the advice for guys trying to get over those long dry spells was don't worry about it for now, focus on yourself, go out, learn social skills, have fun, don't expect anything, build yourself up until you're ready for a relationship, that kind of stuff. Same advice applies to both genders. She may not have been ready for a relationship. She may have to focus on herself until she is. If you suspect this is the case, don't let it bother you too much. I mean, I think it's good to learn things from every relationship, but if you take blame for things that aren't your fault, you'll come away with the wrong lessons.

WhiskeySeven · 2018-09-06T18:33:26+00:00

Jesus Christ. The state of you, the state of this place.

You're a psychopath.

WhereTruthLies · 2018-09-06T18:11:33+00:00

For you to continue gaming a girl like that for years sounds exhausting. I'd rather be myself and if she leaves me then so be it than to always maintain an alpha frame. Even with my fwbs I slowly become myself more and more as we hang out because being friends but faking who you are to impress her is too tiring. Fwbs and gf to me is the same thing just one is exclusive and more commitment. I would want to be friends with the girl I'm dating even if you took out the intimacy.

MissBehaved57 · 2018-09-07T03:24:02+00:00

Nah. The game only works to get a girls attention, not keep it.

I dated a guy for a year and a half- I am way out of his league. Every girl he had dated prior was significantly hotter than him. Charm, charisma, confident body language, and selective attention go a long way. He was a natural, and now has his own little thing going giving seminars and making YouTube videos on how to pick up women.

What he would never tell his clients though, is that I ended up leaving him, for him to offer "a one way open relationship" and "money" lol. It's all fake.

If you're a dude like that- manipulative, cold, calculated.. down to the core. That will work. But if you want something authentic and real.. be the amplified version of yourself

It really does work! But NOT long term.

The problem is, when we aren't shown as the "priority", it makes us feel less than and makes your status higher. We play into it blindly, but we don't really want you. We chase that to appease our own ego. Everything is built on a lie. It can only keep up so long.

Pickup artists are smart. They do more manipulation on insecure men, buying their programs, seminars, watching their videos.. than they do on women ;)

MsTinaFey · 2018-09-06T18:56:32+00:00

If you have to think this hard and force yourself to continually act a certain way in a relationship won't you get tired of that? To me a good long term relationship is just a good partnership where you each love and support the crap out of eachother.

comasquare · 2018-09-07T04:15:42+00:00

time to unsubscribe from this shithole of a subreddit.

ImJustSo · 2018-09-06T16:44:16+00:00

A big part of pick up is making a woman comfortable. If you can't do that, things will start to fail from the beginning, or they'll fail years down the road.

I've been with my wife for 15 years. I have dated other women with her for the last 7-8 years. Dealing with her and other women, this is what I've found is most crucial. Providing comfort to all women I'm involved with to assuage any concerns is a necessary aspect of my relationships, starting with the approach, and leading all the way to an established relationship.

Am I responsible for all their insecurities? Absolutely not, but I am responsible for behaviors I can avoid that cause unnecessary insecurity. Somethings are necessary for me and they'll cause insecurities no matter what I do, but if it's in my power to provide comfort, then I do it.

I would say I do maintain an alpha frame, but I'm rather indulgent to the women in my life who become more than just a fling. I find it necessary so that they know I treat certain women preferentially. So that creates a goal for them. Then they want to stay basking in my sunshine.

Zayn66 · 2018-09-06T17:13:52+00:00

Julien Blanc did a sick video on this ( will link when I find it ). He mentioned how playing games used n pickup with a girl in an LTR can be negative , your relationship should be your sanctuary.

The non - needy and alpha traits you've described , elaborated by David deitas book way of the superior man, apply in relationships but to keep games for pick up not LTR's. Focus on building that emotional rapport

Aroundwork · 2018-09-06T16:27:49+00:00

Dude I had a very similar situation. Especially as ppl get older I think you gotta make a determination quickly if you want to move forward with the relationship or realize that it's not gonna work out so you don't waste each other's time fooling around, which again the fooling around part is the fun part, but there's gotta be an end goal.

Like I don't like fucking that much to just be satisfied with only that, idk tho, it definitely beats the alternative that I see in all my friends "relationships" where they drop everything to be with this chick who sucks anyway

bongerbonkers · 2018-09-06T21:02:11+00:00

One thing the pickup community needs to understand about relationships is that it’s a two person effort. You can’t go in to a long term committed relationship and not sacrifice for the other. The pickup community can be pretty damn selfish and I don’t blame em, some of us got years of vagina we need to catch up on.

However, People need to realize that you need to give up certain things for your S/O, but that doesn’t mean be a bitchass and do whatever she wants. You can still be your own man, but you need to be willing to do things out of your way for her as well, you can’t remain in a relationship and not give a fuck about the other person. You don’t deserve them if you do that and you’re better off just finding casual flings.

hunterpua · 2018-09-06T18:59:27+00:00

Here's what you need to remember, girls can fuck up a relationship too.

Everything you say here sounds reasonable but it also kind of assumes that the responsibility to keep a relationship going is all on the man. Yes, definitely remain alpha, and yes, never sacrifice something for a girl but not because its what keeps the honeymoon phase and great sex going or because it'll make you look like a badass but because its what will keep you happy.

I've seen a lot of men who are in "successful" relationships because they have submitted to their partner and they look like they have lost a part of themselves. They look like Lions who have been plucked from the wild and reduced to house pets. In some instances, you even feel like the only thing that's missing is an actual leash on their neck. You can see that they're no longer fully happy. And honestly, if those guys were as selective as women for relationships, they would never let anything like that stand.

That's actually the main reason why submitting to the girl "works" because as a whole, women are a lot more selective and a lot quicker to leave a relationship than men are. The situation then becomes, "I'm not happy in this relationship and if this keeps going I'm going to leave it" for women vs "My relationship seems to be getting shakey, how can I make adjustments to fix it?" for men. In both scenarios only the man is getting blamed and only the man makes a real effort to keep it going. What ever happened to "Treat her like a human being"?

That statement does not only apply when you're treating her like shit, it also applies when you're treating her like some sort of deity who can do no wrong.

What happened in the relationship you talk about in this post is that she fucked up. She got crazy and developed a drinking problem. We need to change our definition of "Successful relationship" from "a relationship where two people stay together forever" to "a relationship where two people stay together as long as it raises the quality of their lives".

If we look at things using the second definition, you had a near perfect relationship with this girl because you said it was your best relationship and we know she got a whole lot of value out of it too, she loved the sex, got fitter and fitter, and improved her career and health and it ended right about the time when she did things to lower the quality of your lives. It happens, she just wasn't the girl you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. Girls understand that, its time we did too.

Just one bit of feedback though...you shouldn't say no to a girl's plans every single time just on principle. You don't become a beta male or lose your freedom as a man if you go along with her plans from time to time. Instead, look at a girl's plan and ask yourself if it will genuinely be something you enjoy and if it is then go along with it, if it isn't then don't. She will know you're not just going along with her plans because you've submitted to her because she can see that you're actually judging whether it'd be good for you or not before deciding.

Going along with your girlfriend's plan because its a fucking awesome plan is you fully exercising your freedom. Years back, it was my girl's plan to go to a viewing party to see Pacquiao vs Mayweather on a big screen. That was fucking awesome, I sure as hell didn't mind going along with that plan.

Dangopak · 2018-09-06T19:12:05+00:00

Sorry , being alpha or being real . A man who's comfortable In his own shoes is the real alpha. I love my wife, I don't give a fuck what she thinks, I sometimes love her too much sometimes I just don't have time for anything but work. But I'm real , I'm loyal because that's what a honorable man is. If she leaves you try working it out, but it doesn't really matter to me, cause I know who I am . As long I'm true to myself that's all matters. I ve followed them earlier, their content just works for short term relationships. The guy has no clue how marriages work. Some great books to start off with 1.Six pillars of self esteem 2. His needs ,Her needs.

Life_Uncivilized · 2018-09-07T16:33:24+00:00

I suck at reddit formating so I hope this makes sense.

never supplicate

Depends what you mean. Sometimes you'll be in the wrong, and you have to admit that. But that isn't supplicating. That's strength.

continue being your own man

Yes. Keep your own life, hobbies, and interests. Make time for them and don't let her dominate your time if you don't want do.

continue speaking to girls and keeping your social skills sharp

Yes. But don't flirt too much with other girls. It's a dumb idea and just encourages cheating. You're in a relationship for a reason, have the balls to honour that.

have a purpose outside the relationship

Yes.

continue being that awesome guy who could get other girls

You got one already. You're already that guy, no matter what happens to you.

I resisted having the 'what are we' talk until she brought it up and even then initially told her I wasn't ready for a gf.

If this is true that's fine. If it isn't true, then you're just being a dumb kid.

When we did become exclusive, I kept my own hobbies, would still hit the clubs with the lads a lot, would say to no to her plans to do my own thing etc.

As above, this is great.

I often used to say: "If, for whatever reason, I'm not the best possible option for you, leave me." She'd say it back.

You don't need to say this. The fact you do is kinda try hard. Just know in your mind that you're okay leaving if you not feeling the relationship.

However, I was also a great boyfriend in that we'd go on loads of unique dates, support through troubles in her personal/professional life

This is the good stuff. It's called intimacy. Stop focusing on this alpha shit. It's your neediness talking.

toscano1100 · 2018-09-06T22:48:00+00:00

If the definition of "alpha" is confident then the short answer is yes, you need to maintain your confidence and not let women bitch you around. That applies to both sides of the story, men or women regardless. Maintaining self worth and self respect is probably the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and for your relationship.

datingtransformation · 2018-09-07T02:00:06+00:00

Hey, these are powerful questions to ask. I would say that you don't want to go too far down the rabbit-hole of being "alpha." It's a nice correction from the passive, people-pleaser mode that a LOT of guys are when they first get into this.

I needed a little alpha I my game when I took my first bootcamp 9 years ago.

But being an "alpha" doesn't even really exist. It's PUA marketing: "Be alpha and bang more girls!"

I totally get it. It sells. Hell, it worked on me for years and years as I worked with tons of coaches.

But really, you want to be your authentic self, which is the YOU she sees when you neutralize fear and self-doubt.

The last thing you want is to become some kind of frame-controlling robot who's constantly shoved into his head, asking, "Am I maintaining my alpha frame?"

I don't think it will drive girls crazy. It will drive YOU crazy.

There's not one "magic bullet" in the success with women and dating, but the closest thing to it? Being ultra, awesomely authentic.

The website DatingAdvice.com interviewed me on the topic of being authentic, vs. being some kind of alpha caricature. Feel free to check it out:

https://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/connell-barrett-teaches-men-confidence-and-authenticity

Lambdal7 · 2018-09-07T14:55:06+00:00

RSDMax's gf game works for the first 6 months of a relationship. Afterwarss you need to tone it down and focus on other things (truly telling her you love her, thinking about future, financial planning, kids, house planning). Still keep gaming her a little, but much less frequenrly.

parfiant · 2018-09-07T22:04:08+00:00

For all those who think gaming women is exhausting. It becomes who are you after a while

suffering_synt4x · 2018-09-06T19:42:24+00:00

Depends kn your definition of an alpha(which you stated above). Using these techniques and definitions is all good and what not, none of them are really actually correct. You need to find out what an alpha really is, and it really to me doesn't mean what you've posted. There are of course, different definitions, but I would say most younger guys' definition of an alpha is way off.

Luffydude · 2018-09-06T18:22:58+00:00

Just sounds like the girl was super insecure from the beginning, Max talks a lot about avoiding girls with low sex drive and low self esteem

Once you get a girl that has high confidence herself then she won't break down like that

It's a learning experience, now you are better equipped to finding out a better girl so the next relationship will be better

WIA20XX · 2018-09-06T18:05:48+00:00

Those dudes as focused on keeping the chick occupied by making her always work for their attention. But it is a trap in that they want/need the chick to stick around.

Most guys just be beta to please their girlfriends.

PUAs are alpha instead, but it is to ultimately please their girlfriends.

Either way, you're still dancing to her tune.

What do you really want? That's the question.

I think guys initially answer that question with 100% selfishness. But I think a lot of guys would like to be nice to their girlfriends/wives without the chick taking their kindness for weakness.

2018-09-06T19:06:20+00:00

Dude, in the end being ''alpha'' means no more than being assertive and confident with a dash of selfish. Can any of these things ever be bad ? If that bothers your girl, I'd start evaluating her behaviour, not yours

Is 'remaining alpha' actually good for a long-term relationship??

I had this NAILED down in my last relationship.

The results were AMAZING.

However, after 18 months or so, the bubble burst in a big way.

The big question...

Comments

Title	Is 'remaining alpha' actually good for a long-term relationship??
Author	TheJoeyJoeJoe
Upvotes	29
Comments	37
Date	September 6, 2018 3:47 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/9djw14/is_remaining_alpha_actually_good_for_a_longterm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/is-remaining-alpha-actually-good-for-a-long-term.1452888 https://theredarchive.com/post/1452888