Anyone else feel shame for not being traditionally “feminine” due to your assertiveness, courage and leader qualities?

palanuik · 2020-03-21T23:44:15+00:00

Leave the feminine/masculine qualities behind. You are a woman with personality and character, anyone who's hung up on assigning your qualities into gendered categories is operating on basic.

Soulsalts · 2020-03-21T23:06:47+00:00

I kind of hate that these qualities are coded as masculine. Most males don't have them. I wish these were just considered high value human qualities that everyone should aspire to. Why do we have to code the basic virtues as "belonging" to one gender or the other?

There's a lot of this "masculine energy" and "feminine energy" talk going around these days, and I just can't relate.

The most courageous people I've ever known have been women.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-03-21T23:00:22+00:00

Way back when, I took a class in developmental psychology. This was years ago, but they had a list of "feminine" and "masculine" personality traits. From what I recall, the "masculine" personality traits had a lot of positive connotations (e.g. strong, assertive, etc.) compared to "feminine" traits (e.g. passive). Your therapist may have literally been going by that type of book, especially if they are older. This is a very limited lens, so choose your materials on what actually is feminine/masculine wisely. You can always ask your therapist what they meant.

If you look at the FDS Handbook post about HVM qualities, notice how many FDS ladies are those qualities and are striving to enhance/maintain said qualities. High value is high value.

Some here do talk about "masculine" and "feminine" energies in interactions. The one "masculine" action I would discourage would be chasing a man. Men want to be the providers and pursuers, in dating. So be yourself but keep your masculine energy from chasing and keep your feminine energy from over-nurturing and "mommying" a man.

But in your personal life? Do your queen shit, do great work, and bring in that $$$ for yourself. Nurture your friends and family members. Be everything wonderful about yourself.

I don't go for feminine men either. You're allowed to have preferences and date who you like! Also, Disney Princesses like Cinderella are not helpful archetypes of how a woman should be in FDS: passive, allowing men to have all the power, not taking control of her own life. People on FDS make their own lives happen, and a man is not a necessity for happiness. You can take or leave a man. The one you take actively pursues you and acts like he KNOWS how awesome you are.

idiosyncrassy · 2020-03-22T01:10:53+00:00

It's only cultural misogyny that defines women as lacking those qualities in order to deprive them of authority.

It's the same as rich people calling poor people lazy and greedy and entitled for wanting the same material items, pay, and opportunities "handed to them" that are literally handed to rich people.

DrMcFoxyMD · 2020-03-22T02:42:56+00:00

I’m mostly just described as a “difficult woman.” I have an extremely direct method of communication and it freaks most people out but men definitely handle it better. Most women ask me to be more gentle in my delivery because of “how I may be perceived.”

I don’t feel shame for bearing what are typically considered masculine qualities. I feel pride that I am strong and capable.

Outrageous-Knowledge · 2020-03-21T23:06:18+00:00

You shouldn’t feel shame for who are. Assertiveness is a positive trait to have, but males always take positive and strong traits for themselves and assign them “masculine”. In my opinion no one should strive to be a disney princess, that’s fiction.

level_up_always · 2020-03-22T00:10:49+00:00

well one thing i would say is that sometimes we tend to push things away that are more feminine for certain reasons - maybe we were shamed about them as a child or have some kind of script of how things 'should' be or even rebel against traditionally feminine things because we feel bad about it based on society not taking feminine women seriously. if you haven't already maybe take stock and question what feminine things you really enjoy and may even ones you thought you didn't but actually do they were just repressed. i only say this because you're saying you're struggling to accept yourself - once you truly know who you are and what you like self acceptance becomes easier. also i find if you have more masculine energy really channeling that in a way that uses it to its full potential, then you save your feminine energy for men. i find when i'm doing that kind of stuff i just want to melt into a strong mans arms and feel taken care of because it's already 'spent' if that makes sense. maybe you don't have a proper outlet for it? or are shaming yourself for it as you say so you can't realize it's full potential?

ChiLady82 · 2020-03-22T01:59:38+00:00

I am more natural/simple when it comes to beauty, don’t like wearing much makeup,

I'm in my late 20's and don't even own a mascara nor am I very good at applying it or any other kind of make up for that matter. I'm happy this way and that's all that matters. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being unconventional. In fact, there are many conventions we would all be better off without.

givemegems · 2020-03-22T10:31:46+00:00

Do i feel bad for being assertive and having leader qualities? No, why should i? I'm proud of it, actually. And defining courage as masculine, arent you also defining coward as feminine? Why would you accept such a mindset?

ironymaiden87 · 2020-03-22T11:01:41+00:00

I would stop putting your qualities into boxes like that and just focus on being yourself. It sounds like you have some great qualities and I don't think you need to change, except to work on the self-doubt you are holding. You can't be your best self - and therefore attract the best people for you - if you are constantly doubting and putting yourself down. Focus on your best qualities and bring them out. Labeling them as feminine and masculine is problematic.

I know I'm not the most "feminine" woman, I'm certainly not a girly girl, but I don't think I'm at all masculine either. I definitely don't feel any shame over it; but then, I did leave all my shame in my 20s.

nerezzamore · 2020-03-22T12:15:00+00:00

I was in that same boat for many years. Add to that the "undesirability" of dark skin in teenage years, and I overcompensated for not appearing feminine and desirable (which were very strongly connected in my mind unfortunately) massively. So I was acting even more assertive, being dominant, playing soccer, having male friends, being proud of "fitting in" with the males because I so loved to eat meat (yuck, I know) and many more things.

Then when I turned 15/16 I went the opposite way with wearing dresses all the time, lots of high heels, experimenting with makeup, and becoming quiet/more passive in public spaces in general. But guess what? I still didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Basically, because I went both ways just to protect myself from bad sides of the outside world. At some point I learned that most people will ALWAYS have something to try and tear you down with, no matter how "perfect" you act, or how much you fit into a specific mold of "the ideal human image". So I might as well be myself and at least get to experience the world on my own terms, in full self-confidence.

After I was finally able to make that decision, I discovered the beauty of it; that is that if you do attract a man that can handle your strong and complex character, and even contribute to your already so filled life, who likes you for yourself and not some image you put up to appear more "desirable", then you have found a real gem that you can count on. You will waste much less time with men who are afraid and incapable of living a full, respectful life than women who appear more "feminine" by being more passive, more "friendly" to men who annoy them, more dependent on a man's "protection" and opinion of her and her looks. Of course many many women enjoy makeup and all the lovely girly things for it's own sake, I don't want to give the impression that I am talking about these women.

I still get comments about my deep voice, my assertiveness, my sometimes dominating the whole room and also my not wearing make up. But guess what, I love it, because I know that's part of me and being content with yourself and being recognized for it feels good. And you will probably notice the more confident you become in yourself, the less you will get these comments in a negative light, because those who would dare are more often than not intimidated as they can see that they can not shame you into being less of yourself to please them.

PS. I understand your point about feminine men, I'm not really attracted to them either. If you still wanna go down that road of feminine vs. masculine I would recommend maybe trying out some more feminine clothing choices. Honestly I find dresses to be the most practical and comfortable garment you can wear, there's a cut for every occasion (except for working with heavy machinery I guess), and you instantly spread femininity everywhere. Maybe try out some tips from Anna Bey, being elegant and/or feminine does not have to contradict comfort/being on a budget/being assertive.

I strongly believe that as long as you are truly confident in yourself as a woman, who you are and who you want to become, you will radiate the most feminine energy there is (no matter how assertive and fearless you are), because you ARE a woman and will not let any scrote or pickme take that away from you.

Lizard301 · 2020-03-23T01:35:48+00:00

I am autistic, so I've always been blunt and speak concisely. There are plenty of men who appreciate not having to Wade through the fluff of "woman talk." I don't wear makeup except on extreme special circumstances.

My husband looks toward me for my excitement and interaction when he wants to tell me about his day.

Nothing about you is un-feminine. You are 100% woman, through and through. The right man will appreciate all of you.

journey1992 · 2020-03-22T13:44:32+00:00

Pocahontas is the only one we would all want to be friends with anyway

Title	Anyone else feel shame for not being traditionally “feminine” due to your assertiveness, courage and leader qualities?
Author	journey1992
Upvotes	54
Comments	24
Date	March 21, 2020 10:37 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fmoj83/anyone_else_feel_shame_for_not_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/anyone-else-feel-shame-for-not-being-traditionally.679782 https://theredarchive.com/post/679782

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